In an alternative reality we had some classic products planned, which are detailed below. None of these are for sale as they don't exist, but should you wish to give us lots of money and sign an insurance form we'll see what we can do.

Speleopants

Speleopants from Speleolabs are still at the centre of our vision for caving into the next millennium and beyond. Persuading hardened cavers to banish their ripped cotton undergarments and try something new is a bit of a task, but we at Speleolabs believe the improved performance gained from these new precision pants may just do it. As with all innovative products emerging from the labs, 'features' is the key to their success:

Double aperture allowing easy insertion of lower limbs K2 double sided fleece means comfy when wet Drain and dry in minutes Special elasticated upper section ensures speleopants remain in place whatever the circumstances Precision contoured rear panels hold guard against unsightly buttock wobble Pertex front and rear inner for added wind resistance and a new front fly for easy retrieval of tackle.

Turn any caving trip into a kaleidoscope of light and colour, and improve your mental wellbeing through caving!

How it works: This helmet allows the user to participate within the growth of galactic improvisatoriality by gifting our neuronetic symmetry towards the threshold of spectral velocity. The prismatic effulgence reflecting on the diffraction surface is radiant energy which contains information about the intelligence within headlamp light. Since the neuronetic messages of cerebrospace travel very near the speed of light within axons, any investment by our attentive glances into the informative effulgence within the continuum of spectral singularities amplifies neuronetic signal strength via the bias of ocular feedback networks that recirculate the quantum fluxuality of photon demodulation which tunes in the dynamic referentiality of our communication with the pure intelligence emanating from the heart of Primordial Causality. Gazing upon the brilliant chromonesence of the helmet will create a resplendent relationship between your inner light and the infinite source of astronetic inertiality.This dynamic symmetry of coruscating ignescence within the veridical potential of spectral providentiality. The resplendent symmetry of both sides brings forth a percipient participation within the void of awareness that focuses the neuronetic vortex onto the symbology of the singularity, which reserves the right to harmonize all advasariality inside the continuum of consentaneosity.

Some assembly required.

Speleolabs Baguette Holder

Many cavers we know depart for the underworld with merely a Mars bar for sustenance. We at Speleolabs know that this is missing out on a whole new world of underground picknicking. In investigating the culinary options that may suit the caving experience we knew that portability and protection was the key to a good meal. This is why Speleolabs are proud to present our baguette holder. This device will allow you to enjoy a spot of French cuisine at the most remote undergound locations, and will protect any common or garden baguette from the rigours of everyday caving. The holder also doubles as a large swiss roll receptacle and is also able to accommodate four bottles of gin in safety. This product has been tested by the US Army in combat and is made of a rugged yet durable plastic, and is equipped with finest seals to prevent aquatic ingress during the more 'sporting' of cave adventures.

The Speleolabs Helmet Double 'hAir Bag'

Feel worried about damaging your carefully moulded coiffure in a head/ceiling collision whilst caving? We all know that it's usual to bang one's head gently whilst bobbling through cave passageway, but have you ever wondered what would happen if you really smacked your head hard against a rock? Us neither, but to be on the safe side we are currently working on a our frontal lobe/hairstyle safety system. Suits both those cavers who are worried about severe head trauma injury and those who are simply more concerned about the way they look. Simply insert this safety system into any helmet and feel reassured that in an accident it will inflate in milliseconds to protect your mental facilities and/or fashion sensibility. The picture to the right shows a Speleolabs R & D staffer delighted that the twin hAir bag has inflated during early experiments involving the repeated dropping of a loft door onto his head.

Crotch Reinforcement

The crotch area for a caver is a very important area of the anatomy for a multitude of reasons, some of them rude. It is also often a pressure point when underground or at the more popular parties. Years of painful research and customer feedback have allowed our team of groinal engineereers to build up a computer model of the forces at work, and they have now perfected a solution to the problems of crotch stretching and rubbing. So why not pop along to your Spelolabs main dealer and have a special insert sown into your oversuit, jeans, dinner suit or swimming trunks? This will allow you to rub up against whatever you want without fear of accidental splitting. Each insert comes fully guaranteed against mechanical failure and can be made in a range of styles to suit your mood, budget or sexual preferences.

Alternative Ascent Technology

Let our team of expert carpet riggers visit the pothole of your choice the day before and rig our new vertical adheshion surface. This system works using a velcro base together with a special set of hairy kneepads and wetsocks. Using this system not only can you crawl of the flat, you can then crawl right back up the pitch without all those bothersome ropes and pulleys. Please note that we have only had success with dry caves. To get over the 'wet' problem we did try a special type of rubber velcro but after the sad loss of a dozen rabbits and a small pony we had to give up on this one. We are of course currently working on a solution to this back at the labs.

Andy's latest idea is now to try and climb out of Diccan Pot using just his lips. He has been spending the long winter evenings doing his puckering exercises and making an instructional video. We'll let you know.

Whilst we're here you may like to know that we are locked in a battle of vertical technological supremacy with these people. And they have diagrams and equations and everything. We have a daft idea from the pub. It's the British way. Please pledge your support.