Speleolabs have always aimed to offer that little something out of the ordinary. As well as a fine collection of leisurewear we are hoping to offer the following services:

Underwear Decommissioning.

As we all know, caving underwear can be evil. Strangely, experienced cavers remain fiercely loyal to one set of caving underwear over the years, and wear it like a badge of honour. Only less smart. However, such loyalty can come at a price, in terms of various allergy-based groin afflictions, walking strangely, and comments from other cavers affected by the air quality around you. Our decommissioning service aims to allow owners to keep a set of beloved underwear to this point of no return before giving it up to us safe in the knowledge it will be safely rendered harmless and returned to the owner as a memento of past caving glories. The picture shows a Speleolabs operative demonstrating an item of caving underwear that has been treated using our closely guarded treatment techniques.

Minibus Reversal

In a bit of a tight spot? Yes, there are always times when you can find yourself wedged in a roadside hedge, sometimes involving a minibus. In times of such need our highly untrained stunt drivers will endevour to reverse any standard minibus into a nearby wall of your choosing. Using years of experience they can aim to have any minbus back on the open road within days, although they cannot guarantee in how many bits it will be in. This offer also combines with the Speleolabs hedgerow removal service; order both together for a discount.

Experimental Swearing.

Need a special swear word for a moment when all other words fail you? The work we have undertaken on the new speleo-dictionary has led to the formation of our Experimental Swearing Unit. The Unit has evolved following a realisation that normal swear words can never fully convey the full spectrum of human experience derived from caving related activity. Several new swear words have recently been undergoing beta testing in the sealed confines of the Speleolabs linguistics facility. Currently under test:

'Flapping': Generic swear term denoting extreme displeasure e.g. 'Help! -a particularly sensitive part of my anatomy appears to be threaded through this flapping descender.'

'Karking': Term which adds emphasis to the description of any adverse situation. e.g. "Karking Hell, the minibus appears to have been overturned by a large number of terribly well organised sheep.

Exotic Pet Walking.

We all know that a busy speleo-lifestyle means that it's not always possible to give your unusual pet the exercise he or she needs. Why not let our trained staff take them out for a bit of a frisk? The picture to the right shows one our crack walkers holding the lead of one our regular customer's giraffe whilst he munches on some nearby tall foliage. The giraffe is sadly out of shot but the picture does demonstrate the level of concentration required to look after a pedigree giraffe whilst clinging on with your buttocks to our specially designed Safari Scooter. Only seconds after this photograph was taken our plucky employee was being dragged across this Ikea car park at speeds in excess of 15 miles an hour.

Speleo-pipework

NEW FROM SPELEOLABS! We note that the gentle art of pipe smoking is a disappearing art amongst the younger generation. We at the labs think this is a shame. We have therefore come up with a ten part pipe smoking course, which we hope will once again make the pipe regain its rightful place in the vanguard of cool. Sign up and within three months you too could be savouring the delicate flavours of the Promethean tube. A free flat cap is provided on entry to the course. Book now to prolong disappointment.