The Huckster


 


One of the things that most startled me in recent months is the screeching two-wheels-off-the-ground turn committed by Our Beloved Media towards John McCain. Mike Huckabee wins the Iowa caucuses--and suddenly half the pundit-talk is about the guy who came in fourth, whom they'd smilingly ignored up until the word came vibrating in on their Blackberrys.
It's way too late and way too obvious to execute an Immelmann like that, and even casual observers are going to notice it. All that Giuliani/Romney bluster is going to be hard to be consigned to the Never-Was, and MCain is no master of the skies to fly in out of the sun to the dismay of his rivals. Still less can it be given to him.

And all because of Mike Huckabee, my, my.

One might play dumb and ask what the fuss is about: after all--isn't our previous president a born-again Christian from the south, not too knowledgeable about stuff, but friendly as all get-out, and a regular guy you'd lie to have a beer with?
Actually, no. And that's purty darn interesting.

George W. Bush is the wastrel Yale legacy of a wealthy aristocratic New England line, educated at Andover Yale and Harvard. He's a Christian who doesn't go to church. His 'common touch' is that of the petulant trustafarian who's all smiles as long as everything goes his way and the light of adoration is trained upon him.

But Mike Huckabee really is a born again Christian, from the South, and not terribly bright. It must be really disconcerting to see a cover story suddenly leap out of the playbook and into real life, and start gaining popularity just the way his cartoon predecessor did. Pretty scary, come to think of it.

Huckabee points out just how massive the GWB fiction was. The Republican Party chose W to run:his desire to run came out of nowhere; he rapidly became (amazingly!) the top fund-raiser. He was as convincing as one of the aliens from V. Why, of course he's a born-again Christian, and not an opportunist willing to say anything as long as it doesn't involve any of that actual church-going or service! Listen to all these powerful televangelists! They'll tell you! And no, no, no, he's a Texan and a good ol' boy who went to public school and loves working on his ranch, and not somebody who set up a fake movie set of a Wild West existence! No no no! And all his malapropisms and fumblings just make him all that endearing! Really! And the ay his lower jaw unhinges to eat the hamsters--lies! We come in peace!

But the way they meticulously engineered that empty suit, from the Dan Quayle prototype to the massively managed press coverage--all that makes the 2008 election all the more interesting.

The religious right would dearly love to be on board with the Republican Party--which, I think, is why they reacted with dismay and anger at the crop of candidates offered them. Where was the synthetic candidate tailor made for them? Where was the perfect candidate custom tailored to be just who they wanted him to be? And when they didn't get one from the leadership, good ol' Mike, who was a real guy who faintly resembled that old holygram, rose up and stood, blinking and wiping the confetti off his face.

Of course, that's a very good question: where were the guys in the really nice suits when it came to the 2008 election. You know, the guys who paid a visit to GWB and laid it out for him? The guys who went to his dad and said your running mate will be Dan Quayle? The guys who paid a visit to Newt Gingrich and said you're going to resign the Speakership for reasons of health, if you know what we mean? Who paid an election night visit to Georgie and said you're firing Rumsfeld, and we're going to sit here and wait while you do it? Yeah, those guys. What are they thinking?

One distinct possibility is that they're sitting out 2008. They know it's going to be a disaster, and there's no sense trotting out Dan Quayle 3.0 and running the full court press this time. They're paying visits to Hastert and Lott, saying you don't want yo be around for this election, and prepping a whole bunch of pasty young Republicans without ties to Bush/Cheney to run in 2012 . Fronted by a young handsome guy with an aw-shucks manner and born-again halo round his head, decrying the sins of the Democrat [sic] Administration and promising to bring honor and integrity back to the White House.

Then why not let the Huckster run, if 2008 is to be a forfeit? Why did they spit-take over Huckabee while letting an embarrassment like Giuliani be the face of the Republican party?

THe best reason (in this scenario that I'm not absolutely sure is the case) is that They were ready willing and able to let Giuliani flame out in the election if they had to lose it--the loss could be blamed squarely on him, and the career of this problematic Republican would be fortunately over. And pretty much the same thing could be said for Romney or McCain.

But Mike Huckabee--ah, that's another story. Sure, he's stupid. Sure, he's running a clumsy campaign. Sure he has Wayne Dumond in his closet and a family that make the Bush Twins look like the Brontë Sisters. But they know full well that none of that matters.

Mike Huckabee is the only one of these sorry clowns that could come away from a 2008 defeat stronger. He's the only one who will be stronger in 2012 than he was in 2008. And Huckabee will queer the franchise, the magic formula. How can they run another Muppet in overalls withe the Huckster endearingly tripping over his clodhoppers next to him?

But deeper than that, Mike Huckabee is not a placebo administered with a pat on the head to the poor crackers--he's the actual codeine. He's not Dobson's Choice, or any sort of exemplar put forth by the born-again College of Cardinals: at present, he's still 'anybody--even Huckabee!' But the religious right has been getting more and more restless with their country-club allies--especially with the six years where the evil libruls were no longer an excuse. They re-elected Georgie in 2004 as the Republicans beat the drum on gay marriage--and what did they get after the victory? Privatizing Social Security! Why, Bill Clinton was more responsive to them when it came to defense of marriage! Like the sullen gunman who actually shot the bank guard, they started bouncing on the balls of their feet, wondering when they were going to get their cut. Then the 2006 election, and suddenly the slick bastards were moaning about the obstruction of the Dems again.
It was only their common hatred for the liberals that kept them from bolting--but that could all change if they had their own candidate...

And on top of everything else, Mike Huckabee is the kind of guy you'd invite to your picnic. He'd remember to bring the bat and ball. Unlike Pat Robertson, who manages to seem both greasy and crazy, and who would make your guests uncomfortable with his perpetual smile and squint. . And unlike President Quayle 2.0, who would laugh real loud but never listen to anything anybody said. The Huckster actually has a conflict between outer dogma and inner charity, outer xenophobia and inner friendliness. His contradiction, in short, are the contradictions of the religious right--and not just the hard core base. Huckabee is clumsy enough to let those contradictions flap loose in front of God and everybody, and he comes off as out of his league.

But that's 2008. That can change.

Ron Paul is not a danger to the Republicans--not if, as I think, this is an election they are wiling to lose. Once again, they could blame the loss on him. Thus the tactics of the Republican leaders are ignore and exclude.

But Huckabee is being treated differently. There's far more desperation, and far more of a feverish effort to make people believe he never even existed. A Huckabee run in 2012 could peel off the religious right--but even if it's not Huckabee, he''s teaching a dangerous lesson about a religious right candidate. So it's McCain, McCain, McCain, McCain.

It's a strange and desperate move. And all I can say with certainty is that we should make a whole bunch of popcorn.

And wish Mike Huckabee well.

Posted: Monday - January 07, 2008 at 01:20 PM        

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