Sun - December 30, 2007

The Doodle Dialogues


Why does PETA hate us?
What does PETA have against wire fox terriers, purebred dogs, companion animals, people and ... oh, you get our drift.
We take a horrified look at the world PETA wants for us, a place we'll call PETAWORLD.


Illustration by Gimlet
Nigel: OK, we lied.
Gimlet: We did?
Nigel: Yes. We're misleading everyone. We aren't exploring the positives of PETA. PETA-positive? Not us.
Gimlet: We're misleading people? You mean like PETA misleads people, so that they contribute money to "the cause"? You mean we're not coming clean with our agenda, just as PETA likes to do?
Nigel: Yes.
Gimlet: Gotcha.
Nigel: Let's look at one aspect of the PETA mission: no purebred dogs, for instance .
Gimlet: Ouch. That one hurts. We're purebreds. Several of us here at Mr. Doodles Dog are wire fox terriers. That means PETA craves our destruction.
Nigel: Yes. Yes, it does.
Gimlet: Why does PETA hate little dogs? What have we done? It makes no sense.
Nigel: I've no idea. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm a purebred dog. And, although PETA's website casts aspersions on our health and temperament, purebred dogs are smart enough to know what PETA's really up to.
Gimlet: Wire fox terriers are bred to be independent thinkers. PETA is threatened by that?
Nigel: Apparently. Use your nose for vermin and follow the PETA guidelines for "companion animals."

From PETA:
Mixed-breed dogs are typically healthier and more even-tempered than purebred dogs, but if you’re determined, you can usually find purebred dogs at shelters.

Gimlet: Ah, yes, I see what you mean.
Nigel: Let's take a quick jaunt into a place we'll call "PETAWORLD." Suspend logic. Suspend human and canine emotion. But remember to take out your checkbook.
Here we go!
PETAWORLD has ... No purebred dog breeders of any kind. No purebred dogs. Shelter dogs are spayed and neutered. After a while, there are no more shelter dogs. There are no more companion dogs. There are just wild dogs, and it's ... Darwin Time.
Gimlet: Survival of the fittest.
Nigel: Correct. The surviving dogs run free and fend for themselves. The stronger and more aggressive dogs survive.
Gimlet: That's insane.
Nigel: That's your independent thought speaking. Purebreds also muse.
Gimlet: Muse it or lose it, Nigel. What are you musing?
Nigel: I'm imagining a world without purebred dogs, without companion animals, and the people who take care of them.
Gimlet: What's a world without companion animals and the people who love them like?
Nigel: There are rats everywhere.
Gimlet: Rats! My favorite!
Nigel: There are rats everywhere because no terriers have been bred to hunt them. No cats are free to hunt them, either. Sorry, Joe.
Gimlet: Go on.
Nigel: Franklin Roosevelt didn't have Fala to help him during World War II. Winston Churchill didn't have his poodle, Rufus.
Gimlet: I see where you're going. PETA wanted us to lose World War II.
Nigel: That's right.
Gimlet: Hmmm. And so PETAWORLD sounds like a very dangerous, grim place.
Nigel: It does. There are no Thin Man movies, by the way. Not in PETAWORLD.
Gimlet: Because Asta is one of the reasons that movie series became so popular.
Nigel: Bingo.
Gimlet: Oh, you can't use the term "Bingo" in PETAWORLD. That is derived from the song about the farmer and his dog. "Bingo was his name-o."
Nigel: Now you're catching on. In PETAWORLD, there is no farmer with a dog, and so his name can't be Bingo. In fact, there is probably no farmer, because the rats have grown to monstrous size and devour everything and everyone in their path.
Gimlet: Rats again! Let me at them!
Nigel: No. PETA believes rats have more rights than purebred dogs or companion animals, remember.
Gimlet: PETAWORLD might sound Buddhist if it weren't for their hatred of devoted purebred dogs and companion animals.
Nigel: It is a world unlike any other. It's a crazy world.
Gimlet: Like Krazy Kat ? No. No, I guess not. There are no cats in PETAWORLD.
Nigel: No cats. No tame dogs. No people with dogs. No one has pets of any kind.
Gimlet: There is no "All Creatures Great and Small." No James Thurber and "The Dog Who Bit People." There is no Eddie on "Frazier." No Asta. No Rin Tin Tin.
Nigel: No Lassie.
Gimlet: Oh!
Nigel: Timmy fell into the well ...
Gimlet: And he never came out.
Nigel: I also read a bit about Ingrid Newkirk, one of the founders and current leader of PETA.
Gimlet: And?
Nigel: We shouldn't worry too much about how people fare in PETAWORLD. You see, Ingrid Newkirk doesn't think there should be any people in the future, either.
Gimlet: Do tell. Nothing surprises me about this PETAWORLD now.
Nigel: Ingrid Newkirk would have no people in the world.

I’m not only uninterested in having children. I am opposed to having children. Having a purebred human baby is like having a purebred dog; it is nothing but vanity, human vanity. New Yorker magazine, April 23, 2003.

Gimlet: Purebreds again. She certainly has purebred on the brain. We wire fox terriers, however, have our independent thought. Should we think that PETAWORLD is anything but a grim, dour place, devoid of both companion animals and people?
Nigel: Perish the thought.
Gimlet: Sardonic.
Nigel: Perish PETAWORLD.
Gimlet: Following the logic of Ingrid Newkirk's PETAWORLD is torturous.
Nigel: It is. It's a bit like Dante's Inferno, isn't it? All those twists and turns, but you eventually wind up, or should I say down, in the place where Cerberus , the three-headed dog of the underworld, lives.
Gimlet: Is Cereberus a purebred?
Nigel: No. And that's the beauty of it. Cereberus is a three-headed dog, the product of natural selection. No breeders in PETAWORLD, remember?
Gimlet: The road to Hell is paved with contributions to PETA, then.
Nigel: My good breeding prevents me from agreeing with you.

Happy New Year, and a Wonderful 2008 from all the wire fox terriers, purebred dogs, companion animals and large black cats at Mr. Doodles Dog.

Posted at 09:46 PM      

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