Thu - November 8, 2007

I am what I am.


Sam gives a lesson in post-modern dog lists.


Illustration by Gimlet (long story)

Look at me.
I don't miss much.
Some say I'm cute, in a lanky Jimmy Stewart way (I have Henry Fonda's politics).
Do I realize I'm lucky? Of course. I don't miss much.
I subscribe to several terrier dog message lists. My field of interest is the wire fox terrier, of course. It's a passion of mine.
I get cranky. I become aggrieved. I can get, oh ...nippy ... when I read what some people write.
People ... Why do people write on dog lists? Shouldn't they be for dogs? Can't people write their peopley posts on people lists?
The best dog list would be about wire fox terriers and its membership would be wire fox terriers. The wires would write.
We would banter back and forth about what to feed our people: low fat treats? BARF (bones and raw foods)? where to find the best extruded people food.
Then we could write about our cute names for our peoples, and our stuffed people toy collections, and the books about how to properly train people.
Ha!
Was Sigmund Freud a wire fox terrier at heart? What about a Pavlov's People? How do I get my people to sit on command? Most people have the whining and begging talents in their genes.
How do we have people with better breeding? Imagine saying this to a people "Your tail should have been docked a long time ago."
Dog message lists.
Ha! Ha!
So few of them are for dogs.
Oh, maybe they've gone to them ... I don't know. Most of them are silly. Nutty.
Even spooky.
Ghostly Dogs! (but none ghastly, because I think people scare easily) Dogs Who Wear Clothing! (let me tell you something ... no self-respecting dog wants to wear a dress or a bowtie). Dogs Who See Dead People! (We dogs resent this claim. We are fairly well grounded as a species. Keep your peopley delusions to your people selves).
You can read all this blather on the dog lists if you want.
But ask yourself: Who writes this stuff?
The answer is always " People."
Oh, well.
I don't miss much. I don't miss a trick. And I wouldn't miss some of those "people" posts on those "dog" lists. But until I discover a new way to get guaranteed laughs, I'll continue to read them.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
--Sammy




Posted at 10:42 PM      

Sat - September 15, 2007

Doodle Confidential


There are a million Sam stories in the Naked City.
Here's the story of one Sam, as we celebrate the second anniversary of his release from a shelter.


Sam. Sammy. Samuel Clemens. Sammy Alabammy. Bam. Bamie. Bammy Sam. Sam the Terrier Man. Samuel Day Lewis. Samuel Beckett. AKA one playful and happy young wire fox terrier.

September 15, 2005.
On a tip from Lyn Townsend of Schnauzer and Fox Terrier Rescue of Florida, "Sammy" is released from the Humane Society of Tampa Bay in Hillsborough, Florida to the custody of Mr. Doodle's Dog.
Sammy is an approximately one-and-a-half-year-old male and has been at the shelter five weeks. No one knows why Sammy was surrendered by his family of three months. This was Sam's most recent attempt at a home. Nothing is known of his previous home(s) or his origins. His papers say most of his time has been spent in a crate, he had a toy mouse and he lived with a cat.
Sam had been rapidly deteriorating at the shelter, regressing into a wire wild man.

He arrives at the main offices of Mr. Doodles Dog and dashes madly through its rooms, bursting through the dog door and running like a dervish around the back yard. He pees copiously and frequently inside the Doodle offices. Nothing escapes his notice, however, especially The Doodles toy collection.



Sam is immediately assessed by Mr. Doodle's team of professional wire fox terriers, experts in their field.
Their diagnosis: Sam needs a course in canine training and most importantly, a good terrier home and family.


October 2005.
Sam enters 10 weeks of rigorous group basic training with canine behavioral consultant Cynthia McCollum .


December 10, 2005.
Sam graduates from basic training and becomes a highly trained and skilled canine.


The Year 2006.
Sam is listed on the canine version of Match.com: Petfinder. Yet the year goes by and Sam finds no takers.
He continues to go through terrier training and indoctrination at the paws of The Doodles. Their analysis of Sam as 2006 draws to a close: despite his provenance, or perhaps because of it, he's a highly intelligent and happy young wire.
The Doodles decide to educate Sam, teaching him reading, writing and Doodling. Sam cannot get enough of James Thurber and displays a bent for humor. He also devours the screwball movies of Cary Grant. Sam's athletic abilities and zany qualities indicate he could become good at physical comedy.
The Doodles continue to work with him.


2007.
Sam has mastered the art of dogdom. No longer the novice pup, he celebrates his third birthday at the end of April. By June, Sammy, the wayward, homeless wire from the Humane Society, who has cheated death at least twice, has accepted the invitation to become a Doodle.
Sam has a home and a family.
Sam becomes our new humor columnist and consumer reporter specializing in toys. We predict at least three Dogbody Awards in his future.
There are countless Sams out there, and they each have a story to tell.
If they live to tell it.

Posted at 02:52 PM      

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