Movie Review: In the Name of the King


Ninjas! They had... ninjas!

So, the production credits are running before the main titles. Three to five second splash screens. I turned to my friends and said, "This movie is going to suck."

Sometimes, I hate being right all the damned time.

An all-star cast. No, really.. lots of really good people in this $60 million blockbuster bomb. Of course, that's why it was $60 million. None of these people would have taken the job for scale.

Jason Statham plays Farmer, because that's what he is, a farmer. Ron Perlman plays his father figure, but not his father, because that honor belongs to Burt Reynolds. Yes, you heard me right, Burt Reynolds! As the King! Who isn't called King, but Your Majesty, because that's what you call Kings. And John Rhys-Davies, famous for "Indiana Jones," "Sliders," and "Lord of the Rings," plays the King's magician. Yep. He's not even a dwarf magician... full sized JRD!

Then there's the bad guy, played by Ray (who the hell is Ray)Liotta. Yes! Ray Liotta, made famous in my scale of movie awesomeness by his performance in the dog of a film, "No Escape." Yes! In fact, this film reminded me of "No Escape" because, when I saw that in the theatres, I turned to my friend Brad, who suggested it, and told him, prior to the end of the opening credits, that the movie was going to suck.

The words "Oh my dear god" come to mind. I mean, how bad can two hours be? Well, let's see. An army of ogres who are called krugs who are so ugly, they never take off their helmets. Which means you don't have to waste money on the makeup. Kind of like the Daleks, only nowhere near as cool. And chicks who live in the forest and control the vines that come out of nowhere, including over a completely bare battlefield. Did I mention Burt Reynolds was King? Yeah. Kept expecting him to turn to his General and ask, "Have you killed that damned sheriff chasing after me?" Oh, right after Jason walked intot he barn to get his BMW, but that never happened, either. Then, in the first really big battle scene with the good guy army against the bad guy army, it turns out that the good guys have a secret weapon... ninjas! Yes! Ninjas! No pirates, though. Probably because the FSM in His Noodly Wisdom forbade His favorites from participating in this travesty. And, as the ninjas fought, so did the tree-hugging forest chicks who control the vines that fall from the sky like the ropes for Tommy Chong in "The Corsican Brothers." But they really didn't do a whole lot. Not even when they could have. In the final battle between Ray Liotta and Jason Statham, Ray uses his all-powerful magic to trap Statham in a tornado of books! Books! Yes, in addition to "Lord of the Rings," it became a bad day at Hogwarts! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the paper cuts!

And then came the ending! No, literally. The movie just ended right there. Maybe it's some artsy thing I don't understand, but I've seen this done a couple of times recently, including Sci Fi's "Tin Man," which was awesome until the last 20 minutes... and the ending. Which just... happened.

So, the bottom line? I give this 1 Krug out of 5. It's worth a DVD rental if you have 5 friends split it with you... or buy you a steak dinner prior. Because they will not like you after they watch this.

Posted: Sun - January 13, 2008 at 01:26 AM          

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