Sun - July 8, 2007

Movie Review: Transformers


More entertaining... and shorter... than King Kong.

Yep. More entertaining and shorter than the giant gorilla. And, suffered form the same lack of scale. Sometimes, the robots were appropriately scaled. Other times, they were just far too big.

But, I enjoyed it. Two and a half hours went by, and the holes in the plot weren't spectacularly horrible. I mean, OK, boy meets girl. Boy buys car. Boy gives girl a ride home. Car takes over, winds up at Lovers' Point. Car pretends to be broken. Girl gets out to walk home. Car starts up again. Car turns into robot to protect boy. It's an old story... probably left over from some Romanian legend about bloodsucking half-demons.

Newton's laws of physics don;t apply to computer animated objects. And that is a good thing. Conservation of mass and energy? Who needs it? Way too much metal on the robots than the mass and density of the vehicles they pretend to be can have.

And, except for Bumble Bee, none of the good guys look like good guys.

But, it's worth the ticket price. I'll give it 7 gallons of Premium in a 10 gallon tank.

Posted at 10:46 PM     Read More  

Movie Review: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer


Oh my dear god...

Don't even bother renting this one. I actually saw this film, paid money to do so, one night during vacation on the island.

Spoilers!

Galactus is a big cloud of dust. Doom was not killed at the end of the first movie, just frozen.

Geez. No. I can't say anything good about it.

On th eBig Kahuna scale, this one ranks a lousy no breakers. Don't even rent it. Go watch it at somebody else's house when they are stupid enough to rent it.

Posted at 10:40 PM     Read More  


Sat - May 26, 2007

Movie Review: Spider-Man 3


Three times the villains! Three times the romance! Three times the mediocrity!

So, the night Pirates 3 came out, I went to see Spider-Man 3, because I knew there would be no crowds. I was right. Four other people shared the theatre with me.

So, what can I say? Kirsten Dunst has grown up... and gives us less of a performance than she did last time. I can imagine the director telling her, "This movie is all about Mary Jane Watson, and this Peter Parker guy just doesn't get it. Cry over it."

Parker's submission to the alien symbiote reminds me of little Anakin Skywalker's submission to the dark said of the... wait... I've said this before... well, it's true. Of course, the storytellers only have 140 minutes to tell a Marvel story arc that covered more than two years.

What else don't I like? They killed off Harry Osbourne, who is supposed to become the Hobgoblin. Instead, Osbourne becomes a hero in the end, and then dies. Venom gets sonically removed from Eddie Brock, and then blown up. The Sandman is forgiven and blows away in a cloud of... sand. And, in the end, we don;t know if Peter and MJ are getting married or not.

Venom might not be dead. Sandman might come back. Bleh. It will be out on DVD.

The bottom line? Rent it, if you just have to see it. Sure, that might be December, but, I promise, you'll get more out of it being at home than you will on the big screen.

3 Spidey tokens out of 10.

Posted at 06:52 PM     Read More  


Mon - February 26, 2007

Movie Review: Ghost Rider


Nicholas Cage and Special Effects

My friend, Joey, said that there was an inverse relationship between a movie's plot and the movie's special effects. I've held a similar relationship between Nicholas Cage and plot.

I really liked National Treasure. You can probably find a review of that somewhere on this site. If not, I need to write one. And there were some special effects in National Treasure. And Nicholas Cage was in National Treasure.

Then came Ghost Rider. Well, it wasn't really a "Then came..." situation. But, you get the idea.

I used to like the comic book. I didn't subscribe to it or anything, nor did I buy every single issue when I saw it, but I was drawn, occasionally, to the angst of young stunt man, Johnny Blaze, in his fight against demons and the Great Evil. And that is the catch. The young stunt man. Not the forty-something Nicholas Cage Evil Knievel wannabe. And the five seconds it took for Blaze to "control the fire within" was amazingly reminiscent of little Anakin Skywalker's pathetic turn to the dark side.

But the special effects! Brilliant skull effects! Amazing! The Hell Cycle is awesome! But I got tired of watching him sling that damned chain twice over his shoulder.

Should you see it? Nah. Should you rent it? Only if you share the cost of the rental with at least three other people. I give it two flaming skulls out of seven, just to be weird.

Posted at 08:24 PM     Read More  


Sun - January 28, 2007

Poetry Post: Leonard Cohen


Beneath My Hands

I don't typically post others' works here, but I've been asked to keep this one safe, and it is so beautiful, so like something I would have said if I could write like that, I might as well share it, too.

-----

Beneath My Hands
Leonard Cohen

Beneath my hands
your small breasts
are the upturned bellies
of breathing fallen sparrows.

Wherever you move
I hear the sounds of closing wings
of falling wings.

I am speechless
because you have fallen beside me
because your eyelashes
are the spines of tiny fragile animals.

I dread the time
when your mouth
begins to call me hunter.

When you call me close
to tell me
your body is not beautiful
I want to summon
the eyes and hidden mouths
of stone and light and water
to testify against you.

I want them
to surrender before you
the trembling rhyme of your face
from their deep caskets.

When you call me close
to tell me
your body is not beautiful
I want my body and my hands
to be pools
for your looking and laughing.

Posted at 08:46 PM     Read More  


Sat - July 1, 2006

Movie Review: Superman Returns


Amazing effects!

Production personnel went to a lot of trouble to insure that Brandon Routh moved and posed like Christopher Reeves. Camera angles and music were phenomenally similar to those used in that first Christopher Reeves movie, and I couldn't help but wonder if he would have come to one of the showings here on the island if he were still alive. He had a home here in Edgartown.

Something else I noticed, completely off topic, is that, had the theatre not renovated their interior several years ago, I would have been sitting in the same seat (third row, center) I was in when I first saw Star Wars in the summer of 1977. Same theatre, same seating location.

So, back to Superman Returns. The story opens with Superman having left Earth to find the crumbled, ruined remains of his home planet, Krypton. And he is gone for five years. A lot has changed since he left. Terrorism, violence, natural disasters, all on the rise, and no savior for the Earth. There is a brief retelling of the origin of our Man of Steel, and it is done very well. I commend the writers and director on their use of the origin story to get Superman, the grown Superman, back to Earth.

Something else that has happened over the past five years... Lex Luthor, serving a double life sentence, has somehow gotten out on parole due to his grieving and dying and very rich widow. Yes, widow. An old crone named Gertrude, for whom Luthor's large private yacht is named. And she leaves everything to Luthor at the last minute. A fun quote... Luthor walks out of her bedroom where she has just died. He looks to all the relatives (all wanting a slice of the money pie). There is a young girl there. He pulls off his wig, tosses it to the girl, and says, "You can keep that. The rest is mine."

Off to the Arctic Circle and the Fortress of Solitude, which still looks nothing like it does in the comic books. It is still all Kryptonian crystal. And Luthor steals all of the crystals for his own purposes. He wants to be Prometheus, giving the world the fire of Kryptonian technology. His girlfriend says, "Yeah, Lex, but you're not a god." Lex replies, "Gods are selfish beings who fly around in little red capes and don't share their power with mankind. "

Lois Lane. She's not married, not yet, but has a child, and has been engaged to the Editor's nephew for five years, since before the child's birth. She has won a Pulitzer Prize for her feature article entitled, Why the World Doesn't Need Superman.

Then Clark Kent shows back up at the Daily PLanet after a five-year leave of absence, during which he saw a lot of llamas.

And, I think that is enough of the plot to give you an idea of what is going to happen.

Technically, the film is beautiful. the effects are definitely top shelf. No more blue screening. The digital version of a man flying through the air, of hovering suspended in space, are breathtaking. The miniatures are amazing! The composite shots are the cleanest I've ever seen, and I have seen some really good composite shots. On a side note, Industrial Light and Magic had nothing to do with the special effects, but seven other companies did. Spanning at least two continents (much of the content of the film was shot in Australia), many small production companies got in on the Big Blue action. The movie is worth the price just for the effects!

But the story is well written and the acting is better than average for a super hero action film. Superman versus X Men 3? Hands down, Superman Returns is by far the better! Better writing, better story, better effects, better acting, better cast. Frank Langella as Perry White, the editor in chief of the Daily Planet! That made my day!

The final word? Five sightings of Great Caesar's Ghost and a few chunks of Kryptonite thrown in for good measure! See it on the screen if you can. See it I-Max if you can. I would love to see it I-Max.

Posted at 03:00 PM     Read More  


Tue - June 27, 2006

Movie Review: An Inconvenient Truth


Al Gore's mass media approach to a slideshow presentation done on a Mac.

The issue is global warming. The production values are pretty good. I like the low-key approach to Mr. Gore's political career. The emphasis is on the issues, not his career or future agenda. I can respect that.

Humans are the cause of global warming. OK. Given. And there is evidence to support that conjecture. Since man hit the scene, from the beginning of Eden in Mesopotamia, man has caused the global warming gases to increase. I agree! We destroy the plants that can convert our carbon dioxide back into oxygen. We pollute our air freely, and have done so since the discovery of fire, though I attribute most of that to the era since the industrial revolution of the 19th century. Given. And he even touches on my explanation for it all: since 1950, the population of the earth has tripled, from two billion people to six billion. Wait. that is a lot of zeroes... let me show you. From:

2,000,000,000 people to
6,000,000,000 people.

OK... Again. Let's pretend you play the lottery and won six hundred million dollars. You could then turn around and give every person on the planet a grand total of ten cents! Each! If you only won sixty million dollars, you could only give each person one cent. One lousy penny! He couldn't even buy a piece of gum!

This planet was designed to comfortably hold half a billion, tops. After that, things happen. Plague, famine, weather cycles go haywire. Wait.. that sounds like what's happening to us right now! well, you know what? The planet fights back. And I think it's going to fight back until we are back down to our half a billion. If global warming doesn't do it, then diseases will, or famine. All my life, I've heard of children starving in Africa and India and China because these continents and countries are too overpopulated to support that kind of body mass. They survive through the efforts of other countries. We can do that now, send food to the hungry. But are we supposed to? We overthrow the balance. And I'm not saying we should stop. But there is more to global warming than just humans cleaning up their waste and environment. We have to stop breathing! And the planet will make us.

What happens when we become too populous? We go to war over this or that piece of land. Thousands die and the winning country expands a little to accommodate the survivors. We go to war, us, humans. And, in doing so, we spread even more disease and pollution. It is inevitable. It's how the French fought the Indigenous Americans when they first came to the New World, selling them infected blankets so that they would catch diseases, die or become to ill to fight, then send in soldiers to kill the survivors. It is our history!

How do we change this? I'm not sure we can. I think the earth will fight back until our numbers are back where they belong. Can we change our thinking and fix some problems? Sure! We can change our thinking, radically, to include a global society and a global marketplace. A single race of people, humans, instead of nationalities and the color of our skin. But that is exactly what it's going to take, a change in attitude so drastic that some peoples, some ways of living, will not survive, thus bringing the numbers down. The planet wins! Twice!

It's not as simple as "green energy." It's not as simple as a hybrid or alternative fuel vehicle. It's a matter of reconstructing our world society. And that is not simple at all.

Final word: See it. If you enjoyed F9/11, this will catch your eye, without the blood and violence of a movie about a concurrent war. If You didn't like F9/11 because of the shots of the war, you might like this; there are lots of pretty charts and some humorous points to be made with them. "It's off the chart!" If you didn't like F9/11 because you are a staunch Republican Party Reptile and feel that the Republican Congress and Presidency can do no wrong, don't see this film. You will not like the fact that it is honest. At all.

Posted at 12:32 AM     Read More  


Tue - March 28, 2006

Movie Review: V for Vendetta


I never read the graphic novel.

Wow!

This show was amazing! I liked that the almost not super human hero never removed his mask. Unlike The Phantom of the Opera where the unmasking is a huge deal and requires that the make up become more and more intricate and unique,V keeps his mask on for the entire movie, using only his voice and body language to convey the emotions he cannot do facially.

My favorite quote is as relevant in contemporary America as it was in the fictional England of the movie: "The people should never be afraid of the government; the government should be afraid of the people." Another one, V's introduction, is astonishingly good: "This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is the vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you, and you may call me V." I only wish I could have heard it better

Effects were brilliant. the fight sequences were astonishing in their brevity. The violence was horrific when it was visible due to the monstrosity of it.

It is said that Alan Moore, the creative genius behind the graphic novel, walked off the set and had his name removed form the credits, even though the IMDb has him listed as creating the characters. This makes the third (?) Alan Moore movie that Alan has walked out on: From Hell, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and V for Vendetta. No wonder the Watchmen movie keeps appearing and disappearing. I wish I had the money to produce The Watchmen... I would turn all creative decisions over to Alan. His stories deserve that much and more!

Hands down... see this film! In the theatre if possible, on a big screen with a really good sound system otherwise... or, on a computer with headphones. But see it!

Five stilettos out of five, and an extra one just because V keeps a six pack of them around his belt.

Posted at 06:25 PM     Read More  


Fri - February 24, 2006

Series Review: Battlestar Galactica (2006)


Wow!

I've not written about Battlestar Galactica in a while because, well, quite frankly, it seemed to be in a rut. And, maybe it was... and maybe that was intentional to make this episode seem much better than it really was. The problem there is that I'm not easily fooled by such ploys. And this episode was awesome! I might even have to download it from the iTunes store tomorrow. It is that amazing!

Spoilers:

Good to know that 6 is as effected by Baltar as he is by her. And he is going to be so much better at his manipulations of her than she ever could be of him! Because he is Baltar!

Cool resolution to Sharon's demise... resurrected with the memories and desires. And a burning passion.

And Lucy Lawless... again! It just doesn't get any better than that!

Viva la Battlestar!

Posted at 11:09 PM     Read More  


Mon - January 2, 2006

Movie Review: The Producers


Not bad for a musical on film.

Despite the fact that this is a musical, and I really don;t like musicals, I enjoyed this movie thoroughly. It was good to see Matthew Broderick back on screen, though he really doesn't have a singing voice. As the whimpering Leo Bloom, he was perfect.

The production values on the stage pieces was like all other stage productions on film- largely overdone and never focused where I wanted to see, but that's OK. This musical is by Mel Brooks- it's supposed to be over the top and farcical.

And how much more farcical can you get than the production of a Broadway musical designed to flop?

First, the play- Springtime for Hitler
Second, the director- Keep it gay
Third, the actors- The worst possible
Fourth, the money- From rich old ladies
Fifth... I forget what fifth was.. probably a fifth of liquor.

Final word? Not sure how it stands up to the original movie (1968, Gene Wilder). I love Gene Wilder. I might have to rent the original and see. Worth a babysitter? No. Definitely worth a DVD rental with a good stereo system. I give it four chorus girls out of five. I'll keep one girl for myself.

Posted at 09:12 PM     Read More  


Tue - December 27, 2005

Movie Review: Minority Report


Not terribly bad.

A cop set up by his boss because he found out about the origins of his boss' pet project.

That was a spoiler.

Not a bad movie. Lots of special effects. Not real sure about the eye doctor sequence- if the doc really held that much of a grudge, why not just tranq him and kill him? And what about the whole 12 hour thing?

Shut up, Howard- it's just a movie.

The bottom line: 4 out of 5 eyeballs.

Posted at 11:34 PM     Read More  

Movie Review: I, Robot


Starship Troopers:Heinlein::I, Robot: Asimov

A few years ago, someone produced a film called Starship Troopers, ostensibly based on the novel by Robert Heinlein. Like many other films based on books, Starship Troopers had little to do with the book. I discovered yesterday that someone made a sequel to that movie. The four words, "Oh, my dear god," come to mind, probably followed by an exclamation point. Before vomiting in the aisle at Blockbuster, I spun to find I, Robot, starring Will Smith. I saw the I, Robot bike episodes of American Chopper and wanted to see the movie because of the bike Paulie built for Will Smith and the debut of the film.

OK, it's not bad. It has nothing to do with the book, but it's not bad. Ignore the familiar names, ignore the familiar look of the robots; just watch the movie and it's not bad.

But not bad is by no means awesome. The robot effects are incredible! Perhaps because they did not have to look perfectly human, the CGI works for them. Maybe it's because there were so many of them. Maybe it was the voice. For whatever reason, the robots were good. Will Smith, as the angsty, racist (against robots) cop? Not quite as believable. And, US Robotics as the bad guy? Talk about appropriate product placement! But all very much over the top, all of it very... obvious.

The bottom line? It's entertaining, it's got a good beat, I can dance to it, I give it a 7 out of 10. Just don't ask me to believe that Asimov had anything to do with it (which is actually stated in the credits, and I quote: "Suggested by the story by Isaac Asimov").

Posted at 12:17 PM     Read More  

Movie Review: Hero


Hero, shmero, cable fu hoopla

Perhaps, if viewed as a modern folk tale, told in the old style of flashing swords and amazing feats of superhuman powers, Hero makes sense. Perhaps, as I am amazingly Caucasian, I just can't get it at a fundamental level. It entertained me, but by no means was it the huge, meaningful story I was told to expect.

Rubber swords, spears made from 1" PVC (so it would waggle appropriately), post-production arrows, blood that isn't blood, and the same stories told four different times for the sake of four different fight sequences, and lots of hidden wires.

The moral of the story? Sometimes, the bad guy has to win in order to become the good guy. Sometimes, a dictator is a good thing, because a single man can unite a warring country. But, does it have to take 99 minutes of my life? Is it beautifully photographed? Yes, as much of it that is real is wonderful, but I can't admire a beautiful CGI setting, because, in theory, I can do that. And, if I can do it, it's not art.

The bottom line? One karate chop out of five. Rent it if you like cable fu folk tales, but not if you have any lick of sense without them.

Posted at 12:06 PM     Read More  


Thu - December 22, 2005

Movie Review: King Kong


Peter Jackson plus big gorilla = Lord of the Borings

And three hours of it.

Wow. I can't describe how uninteresting this was. It used to be that I could say, "Well, it was shorter than Waterworld." I'm not sure I can say that about King Kong. Oooo, no I can't. Even the Director's Cut of Waterworld is shorter than this monstrosity. So, from now on, it's "Well, at least it was shorter than King Kong."

Wow. Almost as many virtual characters as Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. And all of them about as believable. A fabulous job done on the gorilla, but the same issues evolve throughout the film, mostly one of scale. Sometimes, Kong is 25' tall, sometimes 50' tall, sometimes just plain gigantic!

The acting on the part of the real actors seems flat. Jack Black's character is incredibly focused on his objective, but that's all he's focused on, unbelievably so. The best performance is given by Naomi Watts, picking up the part originally played by Faye Wray (who was cast because she could scream well).

I would love to say that the settings and location shots are extraordinary, that the movie is as big as its simian star. It isn't.

The final word? One paw print out of five. Not even a DVD rental. Skip it entirely.

Posted at 11:55 PM     Read More  


Sat - December 10, 2005

Movie Review: Aeon Flux


Another MTV movie... not a fiasco.

Yes. After the Napoleon Dynamite debacle I was wary of another MTC movie venture, but I was a big fan of Liquid Television way back when, back when MTV played videos, though I guess I should also say that Liquid Television was the beginning of the end- technically, LTV was not music videos. Ah, well.

So, Aeon Flux. Charlize in tight spandex. And leather. And nothing. OK... already better than Tomb Raider. Sci Fi world where a disease killed off 99% of the population. This is new to the Aeon Flux story. In the LTV series, we never knew why the assassin (she never had a name) was trying to kill her target, just that she always tried, and she always died.

The old series started every episode with her waking up. I always assumed it was designed to show yet another attempt to get it right, either a clone or android or some other device that looked like that same person.

Here, we get the signature fly-in-the-eyelashes opening sequence. Awesome effect.

So, in brief, the final word is this: I went in with low expectations (as opposed to the no expectations of XXX)- I was surprised, but not by much. The story, what there is of it, suffers from the disorienting cuts and the lack of a continuous setting- you can never tell where the action is taking place, because there are no references. The only real constant is the giant zeppelin circling the city, and, as I said, it is circling.

3 fluxes out of 5 with an extra capacitor for MTV finally making a movie almost anyone can sit through once.

Posted at 08:23 PM     Read More  
Movie Review: The Chronicles of Narnia- The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Everyone must see this!
Movie Review: Legend of Zorro
Website
Performance Review: MGYB
Movie Review: The Brothers Grimm
Product Review: Optomo Ep719
Movie Review: Sin City
Movie Review: Wedding Crashers
Series Review: Remington Steele, Season One on DVD
Series Review: Dr. Who (2005)
Movie Review: Sky High
Movie Review: War of the Worlds (2005)
Movie Review: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Movie Review: Fantastic Four

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