It is a little hard to know exactly what season we are in here at present. The clocks went back over the weekend so the dark nights are setting in but the temperatures haven't dropped down to an autumnal level yet. We haven't got out the winter coats, scarves and hats and the heating has only been on to test its integrity. It works but we don't need it yet. The day we had it on the house was like a sauna and we had to throw open the windows to cool the place down. I have had to have a hottie some nights but then we all know how badly I feel the cold. Nobody I talk to can believe it is nearly November. The forecasters are saying that there will be a very cold spell in January but with the 20 degree high last week that kind of cold is hard to imagine.
The downside of this is we haven't had the brillant autumnal display we have come to expect. I think the trees are confused and don't really know whether to begin to drop their leaves yet or not. The squirrels on the other hand are busy getting ready for winter. They are having a field day harvesting the conkers that have started to appear on trees. They run and hide in the sparse leaves on the ground when they see you coming but you can watch them out the window for hours in the gardens and streets around our house.
To go with the slightly off weather I have been feeling slightly off. Well, probably more than slightly really. It is hard to describe without sounding trite or cliched. In fact I wasn't going to mention it here because I find it so hard to talk about in a way that makes coherent sense. However, two sites that I visit regularly have discussed similar issues recently and I figured if they could do it so could I.
It has been a long time since I had a serious long lasting bout but my depression is back. I have a kind of analogy I use to think about it. Well actually I have several but the others are more common place, the big black cloud or the monster that isn't part of me. In my analogy my brain is like a big wardrobe that is full of clothes but I can only get to clothes in one part and the other is completely shut off. The clothes in the side I can get to have been washed badly and have had the colour leached out of them. It's not that the clothes in the shut off side are in any better condition really it's just that they are different and unreachable. Not being able to get to them makes me sad and angry and hurt. Somedays I can see the clothes and others I can't. Somedays it seems worth the effort to try and reach those clothes and somedays it doesn't. Kind of weird I know but if you equate feelings with clothes you can get a sort of sense of how I feel.
One of the worst things I find with depression is that I know that I have it pretty good and yet I still feel this way. I feel guilty that I react like this and that I feel this way when so many people have lives that are far worse than mine. I have had some time off work and am going to see a specialist this week. I know from experience that it can get better but it is always such a struggle to get to that point. This isn't a cry for sympathy just a chance to try and express some of what I am feeling. I am lucky in that I am looking forward to our trip home, I am also stressed about it as I hope we live up to expectations. The flight will be a nightmare but gettign to see family and friends is always a joy.
On a brighter note, Nick and I entertained for the first time in ages this past weekend. One of my colleagues came over for Sunday lunch. We made Butternut and Sweet Potato Soup, Turkey Breast stuffed with Brie (mine was stuffed with plum) and wrapped in Pancetta with baby potatoes and salad followed by creme brulee. It was of course all delicious and we managed to do it all with a minimum of mess due to the fact two of the three courses could be prepared the day before!
I can't think of anything else of note that happened this month but Nick may have a better memory than me and will no doubt add his two cents worth. It is seven weeks today until we arrive in New Zealand and we will hopefully see you all then.
Posted by Hayley