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More about the SNL Episode: Transcripts!
Thanks to Kathy for the clips, Sally for the
transcripts and Dallie for the summaries! The actual transcripts are in the Read
more sections.
Monologue:
Summary: It was mostly about how they wanted him to play a drunkin' Irishman but he preferred to stay away from stereotypical skits. They played off other minorities from the cast and plants in the audience who were ethnic. At the end he said, after the show to meet him at Murphy's pub for a pint of Guinness and then did a line from a cereal commercial "they're magically delicious" who is a little leprechaun in the commercial and an Irish jig!
Irish Home sketch:
Summary: an Irishman who has his home renovated like they do on home shows on HGTV.
Waking Up San Diego:
Summary: Liam playing a talk show host. Lots of dancing!
The parrot sketch:
Summary: A guy on his first date back in the girl's apt. who owns a very strange huge bird played by a real person in a suit.
At the Police Station:
Summary: Liam plays an old hippie pot head trying to borrow a drug sniffing dog from the police dept. because he forgot where he put the pot.
Monologue:
Summary: It was mostly about how they wanted him to play a drunkin' Irishman but he preferred to stay away from stereotypical skits. They played off other minorities from the cast and plants in the audience who were ethnic. At the end he said, after the show to meet him at Murphy's pub for a pint of Guinness and then did a line from a cereal commercial "they're magically delicious" who is a little leprechaun in the commercial and an Irish jig!
Irish Home sketch:
Summary: an Irishman who has his home renovated like they do on home shows on HGTV.
Waking Up San Diego:
Summary: Liam playing a talk show host. Lots of dancing!
The parrot sketch:
Summary: A guy on his first date back in the girl's apt. who owns a very strange huge bird played by a real person in a suit.
At the Police Station:
Summary: Liam plays an old hippie pot head trying to borrow a drug sniffing dog from the police dept. because he forgot where he put the pot.
Transcript of
monologue:
Ladies and Gentlemen, LI … AM NEE ... SON! (lots of applause)
Liam: Thank you so very much. I tell you, it's great to be hosting SNL everyone has been so fantastic. You know, when I showed up here at the beginning of the week, people had all these ideas where I played all sorts of things, most of them Irish and drunk; but even though some of them are really funny, I was just a little uncomfortable with the stereotype of the drunken Irish man. So I asked them if it was okay if we didn't go in that direction and they were fantastic about it and extremely gracious, and I know some of it was all in good fun, but you can be hurtful even when you don't mean to be.
Finesse: Hey, you were right to say what you said, Liam! That's why tonight you're not going to see me playing any pimps or any gangster rappers.
Liam: Good for you, Finesse!
Finesse: And that's also why this is the only time you'll see me in the show tonight.
Horatio: Hey, Liam, there's something I have to say …
Liam: That's great, Horatio! Your'e here to talk about stereotypes of overweight people, yeah?
Horatio: Well, I was going to talk about not doing Hispanic stereotypes … forget about it!
Maya: Liam, Ladies and Gentlemen, I liked to have my say. I am tired of the stereotypical jokes about people who are of mixed race. We are not addicted to pornography and all of us do not smell like marshmellows.
Liam: I guess, I guess I owe a big apology to Tiger Woods.
Forte: Liam, uh, stereotypes have hurt us all! You know, I for one am sick and tired of upper middle class suburban white Christian males being portrayed only as business men, doctors, and astronauts. We are so much more than that; many of us are also lawyers and bankers.
Liam: Well, Thank you, thank you.
Don: There's something I'd like to say, uh, Liam!
Liam: Yes, Don.
Don: I'm tired of people assuming impressionists are freaks, okay ... that we can't express ourselves in our own voices. I mean we're regular people, Liam, like your plumber, your dentist (makes an impression of Porky pig, squeaky as he says ), Porky Pig, or people like Don Knotts as Barney Fife (makes impression of Don Knotts. A high whiney voice) "Oh, Andy, I didn't mean to shoot it up me". And what if Donald Trump was in Romeo and Juliet?
Liam: What would that be like?
Don: Thank you.
Don: Juliet, nice rack, but you are fired.
Liam: Thank you, Donald. You know, I bet there are a lot of people that are here tonight that feel the same way, uh? Hey, what about you, sir? As a Native American, aren't you tired of people assuming that you're an alcoholic and that you own a casino?
Native American: Yes!
Liam: And you, Sir, don't you hate it when people jump to the conclusion that you rub noses to kiss?
Eskimo: Yeah.
Liam: Sir, and how about you? Doesn't it offend you that people think you like show tunes simply because you are gay? (the guy is a Hasidic Jewish)
Liam: uh, none of that is going to happen here tonight. Oh, ah, and when the shows over, uh, join me at Murphy's Pub for a pint of Guinness and a shot of whisky. (changes to leprechaun voice) It will be magically delicious! We have a great show, Modest Mouse is here! Stick around, we'll be right back!
Transcript of Irish Home sketch:
(Voiceover) You're watching RTE2, Ireland’s other television network. It's 5:30 p.m. Next up, Irish top home makeover show, You Call This A House Do Ya, with your host, Bailoin Finn MacQuinn.
Bailion Cheers. I'm Bailion Finn MacQuinn. And welcome to You Call This A House Do You. For those of you too thick to remember how it works, we take an average Irish home and basically try and make it a little less crap. We're at the home of Larkin MacIdle, let’s see if he's in.
Larkin What's all this then?
Bailion Hi, it's Bailion Finn MacQuinn, we're here to make over your home.
Larkin You want a medal for that, do you? Do you want me to do a jig for you?
Bailion You could say 'THANKS'.
Larkin I could, but I'm not gonna.
Bailion Fair enough! Care to show us around?
Larkin Ah, all right, keep your shirt on.
Molly Oh! Oh, sweet mercy, they've come for ya! He's innocent, I tell ya! He was here all last night.
Larkin Ah, take it easy, Molly. These guys are here to fix up the house.
Molly Well we can't afford it.
Bailion Oh, don't worry, it's free.
Molly So was his vasectomy, you see how well that worked out!
Larkin You shut your mouth.
Molly I'll shut my mouth when I'm good and ready.
Bailion ALL RIGHT!!! Al right, so why don't you give us the grand tour, Larkin?
Larkin Living room, foyer, home office, bedroom, bedroom, breakfast nook, uh, solarium, uh, gym, kitchen, bedroom.
Bailion Well, you have a lovely home here, it will be tough to improve it, but we are professionals, so, why don't you head down to the pub and by the time you get back ... (door shutting) He's already gone. I see. Uh, all right, lets go boys. Pull up your socks, lets get to work!
Bailion Well, we finally finished, what do you think?
Molly Och! it's beautiful. I can't believe it's my house.
Bailion Okay, the good news is, we just received word that Larkin is on his way home, as he was thrown out of his local for tossing the jukebox at the policeman, so he should be back any minute.
Larkin (entering while singing tura lura luraaaa ) So, will you get out of me house, ya thieving royalist bastards? You shan't take this flat for the British crown.
Bailion Ah, Larkin, Larkin, it's me, Bailion Finn Macquinn, we're here, re-doing your house.
Larkin That's a friend then, come here to me.....
Bailion Okay, okay, there we go. Well let’s show everybody about.
(Larkin says something)
Bailion What we did, we started by emptying out the ashtrays. That gives the space a feel that people haven't been in here smoking all day.
Larkin Its … it's glorious. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Bailion All right., then we took this chair and moved it from here to over here. It's what the Chinamen call Feng-Shui; plus now it's covered up the urine stain that was down there.
Larkin It's both esthetically pleasing and practical. Oh, you're my brother, now come here.
Bailion All right, oh, more hugs, all right, fantastic. All right, you'll gonna like this part next. We organised your potatoes with this handy potato organizer from Ikea.
Larkin I've been meaning to do that.
Bailion All right! And finally to give the room a bit more of a dimension to it, we moved this mirror to a more light reflecting location.
Larkin Ah, you did what?
Bailion We moved the mirror from over there to over here.
Larkin You might like to know that my mother hung the mirror there before she died.
Molly I told him not to do it.
Bailion Well, look, I'm sorry.
Larkin Don't apologise to me, apologise to her because you will meet her in heaven when I'm done with ya.
Bailion Look, we'll move it back.
Larkin It's too late! I'm gonna kill the lot of ya, and I'm starting with the big guy.
Big guy Ah … bring it on, you bastard!
Bailion Well, this is .... join us next week for So You Call This A House Do Ya. Cover your face, man, cover your face.
Transcript of Waking Up San Diego:
(voice-over) You're watching wake up San Diego with Joyce Ann Golden and Trevor Griggs
Joyce Ann My Goodness … excellent, excellent. Gosh, can we talk about that theme music? I love it. Is that new?
Trevor It sounded new. I felt like I was at one of my favorite Jazz clubs. Toby, is that a new theme?
Toby Ah, it is new. We're trying to shake things up around here.
Joyce Ann Gosh, that is really great. Who was it, Toby? Wynton Marsalis? One of the Wynton Marsalis brothers?
Trevor Was that Wynton, Toby?
Toby No, I believe it's called City Groove.
Joyce Ann Well, it sure sounded great … I mean really, really great, didn't it, Trevor?
Trevor Yes, it did. Well, Good morning, everybody!
Joyce Ann It is a good morning. We have a terrific show for you today.
Trevor I'm Trevor Griggs …
Joyce Ann … and I'm Joyce Ann Golden and this is Wake up San Diego.
(More music playing that they are dancing to ... )
Joyce Ann I can't stop, I can't stop ... I got the fever, I can't stop, I got the fever. Toby, Toby, whoever is on sound today is really really making me want to move my junk. I just love it!
Trevor This stuff is fresh, is that the Spinners, Toby?
Joyce Ann Or an instrumental of one of the Spinners’ songs?
Toby Uh, I don't know, but let's keep the show rolling.
Trevor Wow! Well, all right! What a show we have today, right, Joyce Ann?
Joyce Ann It sure is, Trevor. You know I've been through a lot over the past year with the identity theft and the kidnapping, but that is nothing compared to what our first guest has been through.
Trevor That's right, Joyce Ann. This man’s story is shocking. Please welcome Darnell Martinez.
(Yet more music, more dancing)
Trevor Welcome to the show!
Joyce Ann Welcome! My goodness ... that sorta had a Latin vibe, didn't you think, Trevor? Tell me was that a latin Groove?
Trevor Yes, was that Celia Cruz, Toby?
Joyce Ann It could have been Miami Sound Machine. Was it the Machine, Toby?
Toby Apparently it's form a Starbuck mix called Caliente Fever, but hey, let's focus on our guest.
Joyce Ann Well, aye-aye, Captain!
Trevor So, Darnell, tell us … do you think that was Celia Cruz?
Darnell Well, I'm really not sure, man! I haven't been listening much these days because of my situation.
Joyce Ann Darnell, why don't you tell our audience what you've been through.
Darnell All right! Well, uh, my house burnt down ( OHHHHH from the audience) … yeah, and the insurance won't pay for it (more OHHHHs) because my wife sat (set?) her curling iron down on some paper towels.
Joyce Ann You can't do that!
Trevor Let's take a look at the devastation. That's just terrible.
(Sad Music was playing)
Joyce Ann Toby! Toby! What is that music underneath?
Trevor That is smooth, Toby! Crank it up, I'm going in, I'm going in.
Joyce Ann Go in! Go into your inner you!
Trevor Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
Joyce Ann Who was that? Spyro Jyro, Toby?
Trevor Or a young band that has a kind of Spyro Jyro vibe?
Toby Do you really want me to find out? Is it that important to you?
Joyce Ann Oh, Toby Federicks, everyone! Give him a hand. (Loud applause)
Trevor Our producer! We love you, Toby!
Joyce Ann So, Darnell, your wife died in the fire, right?
Darnell No, she's fine. You just refused to fly her out here.
Joyce Ann Did we,Toby?
Joyce Ann All right, you know what, Darnell? We have something for you.
Darnell Oh no! Don't tell me, it's … I knew when you asked me on the show something good was going to happen … I might cry.
Joyce Ann Well, don't you cry because I might ugly cry. Come on!
Trevor Come over here, Darnell. You see this box. In it are the keys to your happiness.
Darnell Oh, my god! Did you give me a house?
Trevor No, something better.
(Gasps and cheers from the audience )
The wake up San Diego CD sampler with all the great music used on the show today.
Joyce Ann (Says something)
Trevor We'll be right back after this.
Transcript Parrot sketch
Ronnie Ah!
Phoebe That was such a great dinner. Thank you!
Ronnie Why it's been such a long time since I've had Indian food.
Phoebe Oh, that was Mexican food.
Ronnie Oh, I'm sorry. I'm ... I'm a little nervous. I was trying to impress you.
Phoebe You impressed me the first time I saw you.
Ronnie Oh, thank you! What a … what a nice apartment! How long have you lived here?
Phoebe Oh, ah, 30 years. Can you believe it?
(nervous giggle) Well, um, sit down, let me get you some wine. Um, Blush, or Rosé?
Ronnie Ah, Rosé sounds lovely.
Phoebe Uh, do you want some cheese and crackers?
Ronnie Sure.
Phoebe Okay! Oh, you know what? I'm just gonna bring out crackers because the cheese is a little moldy. (nervous giggle)
Ronnie That’s no problem. Let me help you.
Phoebe There you go! Well ... um, I gotta say, oh here (more nervous giggles) I'm really glad you asked me out. I mean I sold you so many scratch-off tickets, I feel like I know you.
Ronnie Every one you sell me is a winner as long as it comes with that smile.
Phoebe Oh, oh, Ronnie (giggles) … um, you know what? Before we start necking ... um ... I have to introduce you to my baby.
Ronnie What? You have a child?
Phoebe Well, um ... not exactly, but ah, I am a mummy.
Ronnie Wow!
Phoebe This is Jasper.
Ronnie Look at you.
Phoebe Yeah, he is an African parrot, Jasper. Jasper, this is Ronnie. Say 'hello', say 'hello'!
Ronnie Hello, little fellow, aren't you a pretty bird!
Phoebe Oh, he's being a little shy, but he can sing, right, Jasper? Happy birthday to you (said repeatedly)
Jasper Happy Birthday to you! (repeating twice)
Ronnie That’s ... um ... that’s great! Back in the cage then, uh?
Phoebe Oh, let's leave him out! He just loves crackers, right, Jasper? Here, let me go get you some crackers. Here, you want a cracker?
Ronnie You know, Phoebe, I haven't been out with a women since my wife died. Well, sometimes I still cry about her. I bet she's probably looking down now saying, "Get over it, you silly fool!"
Phoebe That is so sad. I mean, how do you cope with something like that?
Ronnie Well, I just, I try to focus …
(Jasper interrupts with Happy Birthday to you)
Ronnie I try to ... focus on her life, not her death. She was a wonderful women and … uh, Phoebe, could you … uh … could you, could you get your bird of my head, please?
Phoebe Oh, Jasper, Jasper, come on, Jasper! He likes you. Come here, Jasper doodle, come here! You wanna, you … do you wanna give him a cracker?
Ronnie Uh … no, no, no …
Phoebe Yeah, here you go! So … um … so, go on, you were telling me about … (Jasper interrupts with a loud squawk) you were telling me about your dead wife.
Ronnie Oh, that's … that’s in the past. This is … this is today and I'm here with you. I have a good feeling about this relationship.
Phoebe Well, you are, you're a wonderful man, Ronnie.
Ronnie Thank you! I just never thought at this point in my life I'd find someone like you. May I … may I kiss ya? Oh, your bloody bird bit me!! (Jasper starts squawking loudly)
Phoebe Jasper!!! He thinks … he thinks I'm being attacked, but I know how to calm him down. I can calm him down. (sings Strangers In The Night repeatedly)
(Jasper starts singing)
Ronnie Okay, okay, okay! That's it, Phoebe! I've got to be honest with you! I don't like birds! This isn't for me!
Phoebe Oh, Oh, Ronnie … Ronnie, don't go! I mean, this might be our last chance to find real love in our lives.
Ronnie Oh, what am I doing? I finally found a woman who makes me feel alive and appreciates me for who I am and I try to ruin it. (Jaspers singing and squawking louder) Phoebe, this bird is special to you, then I will learn to love it because you are special to me.
Phoebe Oh, Ronnie … oh, Jasper …
(Parrot ends the scene singing Strangers In The Night)
Transcript of the Police Station Skit:
woman What are we doing in a police station?
man Relax, everything’s gonna be cool. We have to find the pot that I lost.
woman You didn't lose it, you hid it.
man Exactly, I hid it so no one else would find it, but I forgot where I hid it.
woman So, why are we here? Are you gonna file a missing pot report?
man I'm not stupid. They would arrest me, if I did that. I'm gonna borrow one of their drug sniffing dogs so I can find my weed. Observe! Good afternoon, Officer! How are you today?
Cop1 I'm fine! How may I help you?
man I'm part of a community outreach program. And this week we're volunteering to walk your drug sniffing dogs, especially the ones that sniff pot.
Cop1 We're not interested.
man I thought you might be a little hesitant, but our special this week not only includes walking the dogs, we're also gonna wash them. So, if you could bring out one of your dogs I can get started.
Cop1 Our dogs are very well taken care of, and besides, I've never heard of your organization.
woman Hey, hey, hey, can I talk to you real quick?
man Chill out, go wait back there. Okay, I'm gonna level with ya; I'm not part of a community outreach program.
Cop1 I had a hunch.
man Okay, here's the truth: my kid is turning five years old today, and I promised him I would bring a drug sniffing dog to his party.
Cop1 I guess I could have an officer drop by the party for a few minutes.
man Ah, that’s not gonna work!
Cop1 Why not?
man No offence, but my kid hates cops, you know, the whole Rodney King thing.
Cop1 I thought you said he was five.
man I know, but he watches a lot of A&E, you must have seen Bill Curtis talking about it. you know kids, so just give me the dog. I'll have him back to ya in no time.
Cop1 Maybe we can work something out. Why don't you give me your name and address.
man Yeah, nice try!
woman Hey, we're late, we should get moving.
man One second, baby! Okay, Officer, here's the real deal. I'm gonna lay it out in front of you as is. I fear my son is on drugs.
Cop1 Your five year old son?
man Makes your heart weep, don't it? I wanna help him, but at his age, I don't wanna get him in trouble with the law, especially with the way he feels about you pigs already.
Cop1 Well, I can send an officer over there. And we won't fill out a report on your son, we'll just dispose of the drugs.
man Okay, that's not gonna work, either. This time I'm gonna shoot straight with ya.
woman Hey, hey, we should really just get out of here and just go buy some more p-o-t.
Cop1 I'm a grown man, and I know what that spells.
man She's just kidding, Officer! Now where were we?
Cop1 Sir, I'm not giving you a drug sniffing dog.
man Okay, here it is, Scout’s honour! You've heard of Homeland Security, right?
Cop1 No!
man You've never heard of Homeland Security?
Cop1 I've heard of it. I mean ‘no’ to your story.
man Check it out, guy! My grandma has Glaucoma.
Cop1 No!
man I misplaced my hemp belt.
Cop1 Mmmmm … NO!
woman We can't find our Willie Nelson albums
man Yeah.
Cop1 No!
man Oh, come on, man, just be cool, let me borrow a dog.
Cop1 No, sorry, I can't be cool.
Cop1 Dude, your bumming me out. I wanna talk to the black cop out there.
Cop1 Officer Quinn, this gentlemen would like to talk to you about borrowing one of our dogs.
man Ah, drug sniffing dogs.
Cop1 One of our drug sniffing dogs.
Cop2 Why do you want the dog?
man It's funny you should ask. Do you mind butting out of this?
Cop1 Not at all.
man (whispering)
Cop2 Uh, uh … oh, you hid It ... oh, okay ... now you can't find it ... oh right ... Oh, ‘cause I'm black, I'm supposed to be cool ... right ... right ... right ... so you need the dog. You know, I think I got it!
man So, we're cool?
Cop2 Hell no, we're not cool, and you're lucky I don't arrest you.
man For real?
Cop2 No, not for real. Meet me in the back in five minutes. Now get out of here.
Cop2 Man, that guy was crazy! (yawn) I'm tired. I think I'm gonna take an early lunch. You know, maybe I'll take Rusty for a walk with me. Come on, Rusty!
Cop1 I'll see you later. Ah, Crystal, someone has posted your bail. So, if you'll just come over here and sign this for me.
Cop2 Yeah, all hail Willie. Sing it.
man Willie’s the best.
Cop2 Yeah, he sure is. Hey, can you tell your kid to take off that Spiderman mask? It’s freaking me out.
woman We don't know that kid!
Ladies and Gentlemen, LI … AM NEE ... SON! (lots of applause)
Liam: Thank you so very much. I tell you, it's great to be hosting SNL everyone has been so fantastic. You know, when I showed up here at the beginning of the week, people had all these ideas where I played all sorts of things, most of them Irish and drunk; but even though some of them are really funny, I was just a little uncomfortable with the stereotype of the drunken Irish man. So I asked them if it was okay if we didn't go in that direction and they were fantastic about it and extremely gracious, and I know some of it was all in good fun, but you can be hurtful even when you don't mean to be.
Finesse: Hey, you were right to say what you said, Liam! That's why tonight you're not going to see me playing any pimps or any gangster rappers.
Liam: Good for you, Finesse!
Finesse: And that's also why this is the only time you'll see me in the show tonight.
Horatio: Hey, Liam, there's something I have to say …
Liam: That's great, Horatio! Your'e here to talk about stereotypes of overweight people, yeah?
Horatio: Well, I was going to talk about not doing Hispanic stereotypes … forget about it!
Maya: Liam, Ladies and Gentlemen, I liked to have my say. I am tired of the stereotypical jokes about people who are of mixed race. We are not addicted to pornography and all of us do not smell like marshmellows.
Liam: I guess, I guess I owe a big apology to Tiger Woods.
Forte: Liam, uh, stereotypes have hurt us all! You know, I for one am sick and tired of upper middle class suburban white Christian males being portrayed only as business men, doctors, and astronauts. We are so much more than that; many of us are also lawyers and bankers.
Liam: Well, Thank you, thank you.
Don: There's something I'd like to say, uh, Liam!
Liam: Yes, Don.
Don: I'm tired of people assuming impressionists are freaks, okay ... that we can't express ourselves in our own voices. I mean we're regular people, Liam, like your plumber, your dentist (makes an impression of Porky pig, squeaky as he says ), Porky Pig, or people like Don Knotts as Barney Fife (makes impression of Don Knotts. A high whiney voice) "Oh, Andy, I didn't mean to shoot it up me". And what if Donald Trump was in Romeo and Juliet?
Liam: What would that be like?
Don: Thank you.
Don: Juliet, nice rack, but you are fired.
Liam: Thank you, Donald. You know, I bet there are a lot of people that are here tonight that feel the same way, uh? Hey, what about you, sir? As a Native American, aren't you tired of people assuming that you're an alcoholic and that you own a casino?
Native American: Yes!
Liam: And you, Sir, don't you hate it when people jump to the conclusion that you rub noses to kiss?
Eskimo: Yeah.
Liam: Sir, and how about you? Doesn't it offend you that people think you like show tunes simply because you are gay? (the guy is a Hasidic Jewish)
Liam: uh, none of that is going to happen here tonight. Oh, ah, and when the shows over, uh, join me at Murphy's Pub for a pint of Guinness and a shot of whisky. (changes to leprechaun voice) It will be magically delicious! We have a great show, Modest Mouse is here! Stick around, we'll be right back!
Transcript of Irish Home sketch:
(Voiceover) You're watching RTE2, Ireland’s other television network. It's 5:30 p.m. Next up, Irish top home makeover show, You Call This A House Do Ya, with your host, Bailoin Finn MacQuinn.
Bailion Cheers. I'm Bailion Finn MacQuinn. And welcome to You Call This A House Do You. For those of you too thick to remember how it works, we take an average Irish home and basically try and make it a little less crap. We're at the home of Larkin MacIdle, let’s see if he's in.
Larkin What's all this then?
Bailion Hi, it's Bailion Finn MacQuinn, we're here to make over your home.
Larkin You want a medal for that, do you? Do you want me to do a jig for you?
Bailion You could say 'THANKS'.
Larkin I could, but I'm not gonna.
Bailion Fair enough! Care to show us around?
Larkin Ah, all right, keep your shirt on.
Molly Oh! Oh, sweet mercy, they've come for ya! He's innocent, I tell ya! He was here all last night.
Larkin Ah, take it easy, Molly. These guys are here to fix up the house.
Molly Well we can't afford it.
Bailion Oh, don't worry, it's free.
Molly So was his vasectomy, you see how well that worked out!
Larkin You shut your mouth.
Molly I'll shut my mouth when I'm good and ready.
Bailion ALL RIGHT!!! Al right, so why don't you give us the grand tour, Larkin?
Larkin Living room, foyer, home office, bedroom, bedroom, breakfast nook, uh, solarium, uh, gym, kitchen, bedroom.
Bailion Well, you have a lovely home here, it will be tough to improve it, but we are professionals, so, why don't you head down to the pub and by the time you get back ... (door shutting) He's already gone. I see. Uh, all right, lets go boys. Pull up your socks, lets get to work!
Bailion Well, we finally finished, what do you think?
Molly Och! it's beautiful. I can't believe it's my house.
Bailion Okay, the good news is, we just received word that Larkin is on his way home, as he was thrown out of his local for tossing the jukebox at the policeman, so he should be back any minute.
Larkin (entering while singing tura lura luraaaa ) So, will you get out of me house, ya thieving royalist bastards? You shan't take this flat for the British crown.
Bailion Ah, Larkin, Larkin, it's me, Bailion Finn Macquinn, we're here, re-doing your house.
Larkin That's a friend then, come here to me.....
Bailion Okay, okay, there we go. Well let’s show everybody about.
(Larkin says something)
Bailion What we did, we started by emptying out the ashtrays. That gives the space a feel that people haven't been in here smoking all day.
Larkin Its … it's glorious. It's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Bailion All right., then we took this chair and moved it from here to over here. It's what the Chinamen call Feng-Shui; plus now it's covered up the urine stain that was down there.
Larkin It's both esthetically pleasing and practical. Oh, you're my brother, now come here.
Bailion All right, oh, more hugs, all right, fantastic. All right, you'll gonna like this part next. We organised your potatoes with this handy potato organizer from Ikea.
Larkin I've been meaning to do that.
Bailion All right! And finally to give the room a bit more of a dimension to it, we moved this mirror to a more light reflecting location.
Larkin Ah, you did what?
Bailion We moved the mirror from over there to over here.
Larkin You might like to know that my mother hung the mirror there before she died.
Molly I told him not to do it.
Bailion Well, look, I'm sorry.
Larkin Don't apologise to me, apologise to her because you will meet her in heaven when I'm done with ya.
Bailion Look, we'll move it back.
Larkin It's too late! I'm gonna kill the lot of ya, and I'm starting with the big guy.
Big guy Ah … bring it on, you bastard!
Bailion Well, this is .... join us next week for So You Call This A House Do Ya. Cover your face, man, cover your face.
Transcript of Waking Up San Diego:
(voice-over) You're watching wake up San Diego with Joyce Ann Golden and Trevor Griggs
Joyce Ann My Goodness … excellent, excellent. Gosh, can we talk about that theme music? I love it. Is that new?
Trevor It sounded new. I felt like I was at one of my favorite Jazz clubs. Toby, is that a new theme?
Toby Ah, it is new. We're trying to shake things up around here.
Joyce Ann Gosh, that is really great. Who was it, Toby? Wynton Marsalis? One of the Wynton Marsalis brothers?
Trevor Was that Wynton, Toby?
Toby No, I believe it's called City Groove.
Joyce Ann Well, it sure sounded great … I mean really, really great, didn't it, Trevor?
Trevor Yes, it did. Well, Good morning, everybody!
Joyce Ann It is a good morning. We have a terrific show for you today.
Trevor I'm Trevor Griggs …
Joyce Ann … and I'm Joyce Ann Golden and this is Wake up San Diego.
(More music playing that they are dancing to ... )
Joyce Ann I can't stop, I can't stop ... I got the fever, I can't stop, I got the fever. Toby, Toby, whoever is on sound today is really really making me want to move my junk. I just love it!
Trevor This stuff is fresh, is that the Spinners, Toby?
Joyce Ann Or an instrumental of one of the Spinners’ songs?
Toby Uh, I don't know, but let's keep the show rolling.
Trevor Wow! Well, all right! What a show we have today, right, Joyce Ann?
Joyce Ann It sure is, Trevor. You know I've been through a lot over the past year with the identity theft and the kidnapping, but that is nothing compared to what our first guest has been through.
Trevor That's right, Joyce Ann. This man’s story is shocking. Please welcome Darnell Martinez.
(Yet more music, more dancing)
Trevor Welcome to the show!
Joyce Ann Welcome! My goodness ... that sorta had a Latin vibe, didn't you think, Trevor? Tell me was that a latin Groove?
Trevor Yes, was that Celia Cruz, Toby?
Joyce Ann It could have been Miami Sound Machine. Was it the Machine, Toby?
Toby Apparently it's form a Starbuck mix called Caliente Fever, but hey, let's focus on our guest.
Joyce Ann Well, aye-aye, Captain!
Trevor So, Darnell, tell us … do you think that was Celia Cruz?
Darnell Well, I'm really not sure, man! I haven't been listening much these days because of my situation.
Joyce Ann Darnell, why don't you tell our audience what you've been through.
Darnell All right! Well, uh, my house burnt down ( OHHHHH from the audience) … yeah, and the insurance won't pay for it (more OHHHHs) because my wife sat (set?) her curling iron down on some paper towels.
Joyce Ann You can't do that!
Trevor Let's take a look at the devastation. That's just terrible.
(Sad Music was playing)
Joyce Ann Toby! Toby! What is that music underneath?
Trevor That is smooth, Toby! Crank it up, I'm going in, I'm going in.
Joyce Ann Go in! Go into your inner you!
Trevor Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.
Joyce Ann Who was that? Spyro Jyro, Toby?
Trevor Or a young band that has a kind of Spyro Jyro vibe?
Toby Do you really want me to find out? Is it that important to you?
Joyce Ann Oh, Toby Federicks, everyone! Give him a hand. (Loud applause)
Trevor Our producer! We love you, Toby!
Joyce Ann So, Darnell, your wife died in the fire, right?
Darnell No, she's fine. You just refused to fly her out here.
Joyce Ann Did we,Toby?
Joyce Ann All right, you know what, Darnell? We have something for you.
Darnell Oh no! Don't tell me, it's … I knew when you asked me on the show something good was going to happen … I might cry.
Joyce Ann Well, don't you cry because I might ugly cry. Come on!
Trevor Come over here, Darnell. You see this box. In it are the keys to your happiness.
Darnell Oh, my god! Did you give me a house?
Trevor No, something better.
(Gasps and cheers from the audience )
The wake up San Diego CD sampler with all the great music used on the show today.
Joyce Ann (Says something)
Trevor We'll be right back after this.
Transcript Parrot sketch
Ronnie Ah!
Phoebe That was such a great dinner. Thank you!
Ronnie Why it's been such a long time since I've had Indian food.
Phoebe Oh, that was Mexican food.
Ronnie Oh, I'm sorry. I'm ... I'm a little nervous. I was trying to impress you.
Phoebe You impressed me the first time I saw you.
Ronnie Oh, thank you! What a … what a nice apartment! How long have you lived here?
Phoebe Oh, ah, 30 years. Can you believe it?
(nervous giggle) Well, um, sit down, let me get you some wine. Um, Blush, or Rosé?
Ronnie Ah, Rosé sounds lovely.
Phoebe Uh, do you want some cheese and crackers?
Ronnie Sure.
Phoebe Okay! Oh, you know what? I'm just gonna bring out crackers because the cheese is a little moldy. (nervous giggle)
Ronnie That’s no problem. Let me help you.
Phoebe There you go! Well ... um, I gotta say, oh here (more nervous giggles) I'm really glad you asked me out. I mean I sold you so many scratch-off tickets, I feel like I know you.
Ronnie Every one you sell me is a winner as long as it comes with that smile.
Phoebe Oh, oh, Ronnie (giggles) … um, you know what? Before we start necking ... um ... I have to introduce you to my baby.
Ronnie What? You have a child?
Phoebe Well, um ... not exactly, but ah, I am a mummy.
Ronnie Wow!
Phoebe This is Jasper.
Ronnie Look at you.
Phoebe Yeah, he is an African parrot, Jasper. Jasper, this is Ronnie. Say 'hello', say 'hello'!
Ronnie Hello, little fellow, aren't you a pretty bird!
Phoebe Oh, he's being a little shy, but he can sing, right, Jasper? Happy birthday to you (said repeatedly)
Jasper Happy Birthday to you! (repeating twice)
Ronnie That’s ... um ... that’s great! Back in the cage then, uh?
Phoebe Oh, let's leave him out! He just loves crackers, right, Jasper? Here, let me go get you some crackers. Here, you want a cracker?
Ronnie You know, Phoebe, I haven't been out with a women since my wife died. Well, sometimes I still cry about her. I bet she's probably looking down now saying, "Get over it, you silly fool!"
Phoebe That is so sad. I mean, how do you cope with something like that?
Ronnie Well, I just, I try to focus …
(Jasper interrupts with Happy Birthday to you)
Ronnie I try to ... focus on her life, not her death. She was a wonderful women and … uh, Phoebe, could you … uh … could you, could you get your bird of my head, please?
Phoebe Oh, Jasper, Jasper, come on, Jasper! He likes you. Come here, Jasper doodle, come here! You wanna, you … do you wanna give him a cracker?
Ronnie Uh … no, no, no …
Phoebe Yeah, here you go! So … um … so, go on, you were telling me about … (Jasper interrupts with a loud squawk) you were telling me about your dead wife.
Ronnie Oh, that's … that’s in the past. This is … this is today and I'm here with you. I have a good feeling about this relationship.
Phoebe Well, you are, you're a wonderful man, Ronnie.
Ronnie Thank you! I just never thought at this point in my life I'd find someone like you. May I … may I kiss ya? Oh, your bloody bird bit me!! (Jasper starts squawking loudly)
Phoebe Jasper!!! He thinks … he thinks I'm being attacked, but I know how to calm him down. I can calm him down. (sings Strangers In The Night repeatedly)
(Jasper starts singing)
Ronnie Okay, okay, okay! That's it, Phoebe! I've got to be honest with you! I don't like birds! This isn't for me!
Phoebe Oh, Oh, Ronnie … Ronnie, don't go! I mean, this might be our last chance to find real love in our lives.
Ronnie Oh, what am I doing? I finally found a woman who makes me feel alive and appreciates me for who I am and I try to ruin it. (Jaspers singing and squawking louder) Phoebe, this bird is special to you, then I will learn to love it because you are special to me.
Phoebe Oh, Ronnie … oh, Jasper …
(Parrot ends the scene singing Strangers In The Night)
Transcript of the Police Station Skit:
woman What are we doing in a police station?
man Relax, everything’s gonna be cool. We have to find the pot that I lost.
woman You didn't lose it, you hid it.
man Exactly, I hid it so no one else would find it, but I forgot where I hid it.
woman So, why are we here? Are you gonna file a missing pot report?
man I'm not stupid. They would arrest me, if I did that. I'm gonna borrow one of their drug sniffing dogs so I can find my weed. Observe! Good afternoon, Officer! How are you today?
Cop1 I'm fine! How may I help you?
man I'm part of a community outreach program. And this week we're volunteering to walk your drug sniffing dogs, especially the ones that sniff pot.
Cop1 We're not interested.
man I thought you might be a little hesitant, but our special this week not only includes walking the dogs, we're also gonna wash them. So, if you could bring out one of your dogs I can get started.
Cop1 Our dogs are very well taken care of, and besides, I've never heard of your organization.
woman Hey, hey, hey, can I talk to you real quick?
man Chill out, go wait back there. Okay, I'm gonna level with ya; I'm not part of a community outreach program.
Cop1 I had a hunch.
man Okay, here's the truth: my kid is turning five years old today, and I promised him I would bring a drug sniffing dog to his party.
Cop1 I guess I could have an officer drop by the party for a few minutes.
man Ah, that’s not gonna work!
Cop1 Why not?
man No offence, but my kid hates cops, you know, the whole Rodney King thing.
Cop1 I thought you said he was five.
man I know, but he watches a lot of A&E, you must have seen Bill Curtis talking about it. you know kids, so just give me the dog. I'll have him back to ya in no time.
Cop1 Maybe we can work something out. Why don't you give me your name and address.
man Yeah, nice try!
woman Hey, we're late, we should get moving.
man One second, baby! Okay, Officer, here's the real deal. I'm gonna lay it out in front of you as is. I fear my son is on drugs.
Cop1 Your five year old son?
man Makes your heart weep, don't it? I wanna help him, but at his age, I don't wanna get him in trouble with the law, especially with the way he feels about you pigs already.
Cop1 Well, I can send an officer over there. And we won't fill out a report on your son, we'll just dispose of the drugs.
man Okay, that's not gonna work, either. This time I'm gonna shoot straight with ya.
woman Hey, hey, we should really just get out of here and just go buy some more p-o-t.
Cop1 I'm a grown man, and I know what that spells.
man She's just kidding, Officer! Now where were we?
Cop1 Sir, I'm not giving you a drug sniffing dog.
man Okay, here it is, Scout’s honour! You've heard of Homeland Security, right?
Cop1 No!
man You've never heard of Homeland Security?
Cop1 I've heard of it. I mean ‘no’ to your story.
man Check it out, guy! My grandma has Glaucoma.
Cop1 No!
man I misplaced my hemp belt.
Cop1 Mmmmm … NO!
woman We can't find our Willie Nelson albums
man Yeah.
Cop1 No!
man Oh, come on, man, just be cool, let me borrow a dog.
Cop1 No, sorry, I can't be cool.
Cop1 Dude, your bumming me out. I wanna talk to the black cop out there.
Cop1 Officer Quinn, this gentlemen would like to talk to you about borrowing one of our dogs.
man Ah, drug sniffing dogs.
Cop1 One of our drug sniffing dogs.
Cop2 Why do you want the dog?
man It's funny you should ask. Do you mind butting out of this?
Cop1 Not at all.
man (whispering)
Cop2 Uh, uh … oh, you hid It ... oh, okay ... now you can't find it ... oh right ... Oh, ‘cause I'm black, I'm supposed to be cool ... right ... right ... right ... so you need the dog. You know, I think I got it!
man So, we're cool?
Cop2 Hell no, we're not cool, and you're lucky I don't arrest you.
man For real?
Cop2 No, not for real. Meet me in the back in five minutes. Now get out of here.
Cop2 Man, that guy was crazy! (yawn) I'm tired. I think I'm gonna take an early lunch. You know, maybe I'll take Rusty for a walk with me. Come on, Rusty!
Cop1 I'll see you later. Ah, Crystal, someone has posted your bail. So, if you'll just come over here and sign this for me.
Cop2 Yeah, all hail Willie. Sing it.
man Willie’s the best.
Cop2 Yeah, he sure is. Hey, can you tell your kid to take off that Spiderman mask? It’s freaking me out.
woman We don't know that kid!
Posted: Mo - November 15, 2004 at 11:25 vorm.