Monsters and Angels

Monsters and Angels October 1 - October 31 2004 at Chicano Perk Cafe y Cultura.

129 25th Street San Deigo CA 92102. For more information, please call 619-702-5414

aqui y alli (diptic)

Artist Statement

Monsters and angels is a current body of work that focuses on the disease of depression. This issue has had a direct impact on me in relation to my wife taking her life earlier this year. She had been battling severe depression for 25 years. Despite all her years of psychotherapy and the many different combinations of medications she took, her condition never stabilized. In her suicide note she states, "I have this monster inside of me that I don't expect anyone to understand because I have never understood it. There's a point where one's dignity needs to be sacrificed to stop the endless cycle of abuse." The tragedy lies in who she was as a person. She was the most down to earth, caring, selfless, empathetic person. This was the real Janet. In contrast there lived a monster inside her that wrecked her life. 

These paintings are a part of my healing process. A way to come to terms with my loss, our family's loss, her friend's loss. There is a void that she has left. I'm in a constant dilemma of mixed feeling over her departure. Part of me understands her reasons for ending her suffering and the selfish part of me wants to be able to talk to her again. The night she passed away, her spirit awoke me and physically reached out to me to say goodbye. Several months after she passed away her spirit visited me in the dream/awaken state. Since then my nightmares of me chasing her, trying to save her have ended. That encounter brought me some peace. 

Each day is part of the healing process as I try to emulate the angelic qualities Janet had showed me the path to. Through this experience I have become a better listener, more empathic, aware of those in pain around me. In this world there is a lot of injustice and suffering and often it is too much for one person to handle. If there is anything to be learned from all of this is the need to show more love and compassion to all our brothers and sisters.

Bob Rob (Medina)

September 2004

                     monstruos y angeles                                                                             thank you for being here and undertanding

Where are your manners? You can't go through the pictures in her casket or all the things I put in there. They are hers, so keep your fucking hands off them, especially the one photo of her, Chuck and her dad. Everyone kept on asking if I had copies of that picture. I lied and I said yes. Janet, it was one of your favorite pictures and I thought you should be the only one to have it. I thought it was appropriate since the 3 of you had taken your own lives. Maybe that will put an end to this tragedy that haunts your family. I'm soo sorry about the formal event. Though I'm sure that you were happy that your family and friends came to pay their last respects. Hopefully you aren't tired of the Cat Stevens and Jethro Tull tapes I put in there. I picked up Panther's ashes and I scattered them all over you like you wanted. The quarter was from the mailman, you're right he was a cool guy and I'm glad that you talked to him every day. I tried to make sure that you had your Hello Kitty toys and favorite pillow in there as well. There were many pictures of your family and friends and messages they wrote you that went in there as well. I didn't want you to be alone.

You would have liked your wake, it was at our favorite restaurant, Tequilas. The skinny older brother/owner was disbelief when I told him the news. I ordered your favorite meal…quesadilla sin queso plus a frozen margarita…I know that doesn't make sense, but you are Janet and a vegan so it always made sense …I took a picture of your meal to put in your casket. And a spot was saved at the table for you and that dummy Janna Ardizone sat in your spot until I told her to move. She apologized. Many Mimosa people were there. Dave, Ellen, Janna, Ms. Kennedy, Ms. Murry, Ms. Wood, Deborah, Cheryl and maybe some more, Tracy and Sara, Matt and Becky, Cade and his stripper (no doubt you and I would have talked shit about her all night), Chad and Erin, Joanna, Tom and Joanne with the Bob and Janet Klein, your mailman, Tracy and Mitch, and of course Chris who flew out...I couldn't have survived without him and the same goes for Chad, Joanna, and Erin. I love you guys and I can't never say thank you enough. A few others showed up and I can't recall their names right now. I invited more, maybe they thought Tequilas was too tacky, but I knew you would have wanted it that way.

The next day at your funeral everyone was there…all your family, mother's friends, Jerry and Yazmine, Kip and Walter, James and Sue, Danny, Tim, Danielle, my sister (dad said he was sorry that he and mom couldn't attended-knowing their health, you understand and wouldn't have asked them to fly out), Nancy Delony from smith-barney was there too…I thought that was weird, don't you?   Plus soo many others were there, it was a packed house. Your mom gave me a Jimmy Buffet album after they buried you…I'm sure you think that is funny. That was a Hal Hartly moment if there ever was one. I passed out the Kleenex that said punk rock all over it…it was a nice touch…Chris said “that is soo Janet”…he even bought me a pair of shoes to match his for the occasion. I know your smiling now.

A few weeks ago I burned all our letters and cards we had given each other over the 12 plus years… It was hard to go through the letters…I cried all day. And our rings will go into the ocean when I'm ready and I'm sure I will cry then too. (remember our wedding day, you had a nasty cold, your college called you and said that you didn't have enough credits to graduate-then called back later to say it was a mistake, and the minister had our names written on his fingers). I will plant something where I buried the letter's ashes and surf a big wave in your honor when I toss the rings into the water.

Janet, thank you for sharing your life with me, I will never forget you, I love you, but I need to move forward. I know you understand this, you understood this when I left to San Diego and left you behind. It was the toughest decision I ever had to make and my family and our friends will never understand this but maybe one day they will find it in their hearts to forgive me.

bob  

              the key to understanding this song is to know how it is being played                                                      halfway there    

Let the conversation be overheard.

Dig that wax out of your ears.

I disdain from asking for reassurance,

It laid out right in front of you.

you had the option to take it of leave it

to embrace or reject

to simplify or complicate

or to simply ignore which was probably the better option at the end of the day.

But you had to ask.

And now my words are your burden.

Were your horizons broaden or blurred

or burned?

You couldn't let the evidence speak for itself.

You had to find me in the crowd

and probe.

Asking this and that and what were the circumstances.

"Are you sad?"

"Do you miss her?"

"Were you good to her?"

"How are you dealing?"

Any answer I will give you won't change the outcome

and it won't satisfy your thirst for the truth.

The truth is neither here or there.

Only the one fact remains

and I feel all of it at one time or another.

The only peace to be found is to move forward

and to stop asking questions that have no answers

to stop trying to figure out if there is more to the story.

There isn't.

Just the one fact and that body should be

left to rest.

                      untitled                                                                                              con paciencia se gana el cielo

  bitter sweet departure                                                                                               a heartfelt song

"wow...not too many people allow themselves to expose their vulnerable

state and I respect and admire you for having shared yourself"...and

while the band was playing, i really wanted to physically throw myself

into my painting "here and there" (aquí y allí) because i was neither

and you and you and you just keep coming up to me and saying "I'm sorry

for your loss, when you get a moment would you please find me, i want to

talk to you about your artwork and...." then you and you and you said

"your show, your statement just makes me want to cry, especially that

one over there" and you and you and you said "cool stuff dude, are the

chips and veggies free?" and you and you and you asked if you can take

my picture and want to know if i will do an interview for an article for

the paper you write for...and you and you and you said the nice things,

the comforting things, you are my friends and i love you and thank you

for your support and i'm sorry that i can't talk to you right now

because i am numb...and then there is you. you didn't say a single word

about the show but you did ask if i wanted to go to tijuana for some

tacos at 10pm. i smiled because you say the right things.

it is all a part of a plan i don't understand