Powerful new computers are among the hottest selling big-ticket
Christmas items. And consumers can get all sorts of expert advice to
help them choose the machine that will bring them cyberjoy.
Most major newspapers have computer reporters offering shopping tips.
So do many computer magazines. And some of the big computer stores
even have a few salespeople who can talk non-techie English.
But will you be getting the best possible advice on what to buy to
suit your needs?
I don't think so. All these experts try to be helpful, but most fail
because (1) they know too much (2) they love computers and (3) they
skip past some key questions.
Which is where I come in. I'm not an expert, but I've owned computers
and have messed around with them enough to muddle my way through my
chores and problems.
And I know enough to ask the single most important question of a
potential computer buyer.
That question is: Are you sure you really need one of these things?
Yeah? You think so? OK, what for?
Now, if you run a small business and say you need it to make
invoices, send threatening letters to deadbeats, and do bookkeeping,
then you don't need my advice. You are one of those level-headed
people who knows that it is a useful business machine and will not
bring you happiness, enlightenment and the world's collective
knowledge.
But maybe you are thinking of buying one because you have seen
advertising that shows deliriously happy moms and dads and kids
crowded around the glowing screen.
Ask yourself: What is that giddy family doing?
Surfing the World Wide Web? I have been there. It is a bore.
For one thing, you are not "surfing." That's what professional nerds
call it to persuade you that there is something really exciting about
tapping a keyboard and making useless pictures and foolish babble
appear on a screen.
They also like to talk about "firing up" their computer. What, is it
a jet plane? Do you fire up your toaster, your radio, your microwave?
No, you turn them on. And that is what you do with a computer.
If you want to surf, get a board and find a beach.
Maybe you believe that you need a computer so your children can get
smarter faster and compete in the great cyberjungle.
No, if you want your kids to get smarter, encourage them to read
books. Books cost less and they will not crash, conk out and freeze
on the screen. They can also be read in the kitchen, the living room,
the bathroom, the bedroom, sitting up or lying down. Amazingly
versatile product, the book.
If you want your kids to know how to use a computer, have them learn
at school. Most reasonably bright kids can learn all they need in a
few hours. Then send them outside to throw snowballs at each other.
Or possibly you are intrigued by the TV commercial that shows a guy
getting excited when a voice in his computer says: "Welcome, you've
got mail."
Sure, if you join one of those on-line computer services, you can
receive e-mail.
But remember, to receive e-mail, somebody has to send it to you. Do
you believe that there are thousands of strangers out there, saying:
"Oh, boy, Joe Glotz has just signed up for this service, so let's all
send Joe some witty and fascinating mail."
It is conceivable that you could turn on your computer every day for
100 years, and not once would it say: "Welcome, you've got mail."
Won't you feel foolish.
Of course, if you have a friend or a relative who has a computer and
subscribes to one of those services, you could send your friend or
relative e-mail. And the friend or relative could send you e-mail.
On the other hand, you can also pick up the telephone and talk to the
friend or relative. Since you already have a phone, you don't have
to
buy a $2,000 gizmo.
I still haven't discouraged you? You say you need a computer to
become a writer? Actually, you don't. Twain wrote great books with
a
scratchy ink pen. Hemingway banged on an old typewriter.
Or you want financial programs that will pursue every penny you spend
and give you instant reports on your wealth or poverty? That's a lot
of bother, considering that the government will eventually take it
all, even if it has to rob your grave. But if number crunching is
your idea of happiness, why not?
So I will offer my final piece of advice for those who must have a
computer to call their own.
Unless you are already an experienced user, save yourself a lot of
hair-pulling grief and buy a Mac. It does everything easier and
better than all those other clunky things that have made con man Bill
Gates rich. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a sadist, a masochist,
or both.
It might not change your life, but you won't be banging your head
against a wall either.
Well, just a little bit.