Tuna and Pasta Bake, Oh My!
It occurs to me that this is the ideal location in
which to share with the world my love of carbohydrates, in particular this fine,
fine and noble dish, winner of the 1997 "All Berkshire Culinary Disaster
Contest", following on from the strong 1996 victor, "Delia's Toasted Sandwiches"
entered by Tomasz McWhitney, of the Guinness Book of Wrong.
Mike's Tuna and Pasta
Bake
with apologies to Tom "Delia's Toasties"
Witney
Ingredients
1
dishful pasta (roughly)
Tuna, 1 small
can
Frozen vegetable
remnants
Condensed
Soup
Method
Lightly
overcook the pasta in water you meant to salt, but forgot. Drain, and put aside
to become a gelatinous mass. While the pasta is congealing, defrost the frozen
vegetables in the microwave at full power for approximately twice the time given
on the pack, until they are steaming and inseparable from the
bowl.
Open the soup (mushroom, but since
you’ve already opened the chicken, that will do). Make up with water and
milk (non-lumpy for preference) and heat until it boils
over.
Place the pasta and vegetables in
a large pan. Rotate the lumps together and spill generously on the floor or
worktop, whichever is the cleaner. Using a slippery fork, aim the mixture at an
ovenproof baking dish which is slightly too small. Place the remainder in a
non-ovenproof bowl and offer up prayers. Forget to preheat the oven to 200
degrees ten to fifteen minutes ago.
Pour
the soup over the glop and sob at the meaninglessness of the urban experience.
Lightly grate cheese and knuckles over the whole and transfer to the oven, which
should be just hot enough to inflict a nasty burn. Check every five minutes,
until Part Two comes on, at exactly which point the bake will assume a rich
black crust. Remove from the oven, taking care to burn the other hand, and place
on a surface likely to singe (melamine will suffice, but formica is
serviceable).
Serve with a forced grin
and garlic bread (for recipes, see pp.
94-146).
Note -- you may also wish to
cook the second bowl, although I prefer to forget this too, in order to be
greeted by it later just as the oven has cooled.
Posted: Sat
- September 27, 2003 at 12:56