Proof positive that I will milk this Fark-Photoshop incident until the end of time




What? You thought I'd squeezed every bit of material out of that Fark Photoshop thread of me on the Segway? Please! I hadn't been paid yet! Here's the slightly longer "Director's Cut" of a slightly navel-gazing front-of-the-book piece I wrote for Friday's A&E. Careful readers will note that I recycle a remark from an earlier post. Also, the animated GIF above was created by the Farker "GearJammer."

UPDATE: Oh, dear. Now this article itself has become the subject of an all-new Fark thread. It's not pretty.
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When I’m researching one of those “CulturePulp” comic strips, I usually shoot a lot of photo reference. It gives me extra little details to work into the cartoons, even if it hasn’t yet inspired me to draw anyone with noses or feet.

This is how I came to possess a photograph of myself riding a Segway Human Transporter -- that over-hyped, self-balancing scooter that may be the most technically advanced dignity-robbing device in the history of transit. In the photo, I’m balanced improbably on two wheels -- one eyebrow arched for maximal Shatner effect -- thinking this is going to be really funny to e-mail to my friends later.

I look, in short, like a complete tool.

But worse humiliations were yet to come: A couple of days later, the picture was the subject of a Fark Photoshop thread.

For the uninitiated, Fark.com is a sort of humorous AP wire -- a continually updated stream of funny, reader-submitted news headlines. Several times a day, Fark hosts “Photoshop contests,” in which users are invited to digitally manipulate a photo for maximum comic effect. Readers then vote for their favorite distortions.

I threw the Segway pic into this den of wolves without giving it much thought -- I just figured it would be even funnier to e-mail my friends a link to a page where I was abused by the meanest Photoshop jockeys on the planet. But now my editor has asked me to chronicle the emotional journey that ensues when over 15,000 people watch over 100 “Farkers” do horrible things to you online. And so:
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The Five Stages of FARK Photoshop Grief

1. Narcissistic elation -- Pandora’s Box has been opened! Dozens of frustrated graphic designers will consider my visage for as many as 10, 15 minutes apiece!

2. Stark terror -- Then again, they will also pick apart every single physical flaw. In one manipulation, I was declared “a dork on a scooter.” I was beaten by a mob. I was animated to drive off a cliff. My progress was halted by basketball-playing dwarves. Trailer hitches were inserted in my … back pocket.

3. Awe -- The sheer skill and wit employed by some ’shop jockeys is surprising. Light sources, film grain and camera focus were all matched in many manipulations. I was placed on a sepia-toned Victorian Segway made of wood. I was inserted into a page of the legendary comic book “Watchmen.” A traffic boot was placed on the Segway wheel with such precision that it looks like an untouched photo.

4. Disassociation -- You stop seeing yourself in the picture and appreciate yourself as a design element -- and can laugh (or at least cringe) at the … back-pocket insertions and digital immolations.

5. Self-promotion -- The link is e-mailed to anyone and everyone. Your wife tells you, “Damn, you’re brave.” You respond: " Brave? It's the only time I'm ever going to see a picture of myself with The Rock!"

Derided by photo jockeys (The Oregonian, Dec. 17, 2004)
Photoshop Farker test-driving a Segway. Difficulty: Somehow robbing him of even more dignity (Fark.com, Dec. 5)
Columnist explains what it's like being subject of a Fark Photoshop contest (Fark.com, Dec. 17)


Posted: Thu - December 16, 2004 at 12:38 AM        

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