Meisaj, The Life

Allow me to tell you a condensed moving love story....

Boy meets Girl online, then in person. Boy and Girl date....with happy times and problems for years. Boy and Girl both have problems. 2 Years Pass. Boy and Girl break up. Not for the first time. Not for the last time. But they Break Up. Boy dates another girl. Girl dates multiple other boys. Boy and Girl date each other. With happy times and problems. Boy and Girl break up. Boy dates other girl, Girl dates other boys. Boy and Girl date again. With some happy times, and more problems. But Boy and Girl decide to move together. Joyous occasion of moving forward. Boy passes on Girl's family confrontation. Boy can't get off work on changed dates to go apartment hunting with Girl. Boy ruins Girls birthday (by wishing happy birthday to ex-girl). Boy begs forgiveness. Boy tries notes, and food. Boy begs for forgiveness some more. Says he doesn't want to move without Girl. Girl says no way. Girl says she can't wait for him to move away without her. Girl asks boy over, and then tells him again how she can't wait to forget him. Boy checks out apartments, but comes running back to Girl again. Please, move with me Boy says, Or please, tell me we have a chance and I'll stay Boy says. Girl says there is no chance. Girl says go away. Boy and Girl have a day of happiness, followed by Girl deciding it was a mistake and she can't wait for him to be in another state than her. Boy signs lease in a city 200 miles away. Far enough that he can visit friends, but also to try and leave Girl alone. Girl decides she still loves Boy, doesn't want him to move away. Boy already has rental truck, family and friends coming to help, a deadline to leave his apartment in two days, and a signed lease. Boy is sad. Boy is crushed. Girl wants Boy, Boy wants Girl. 200 miles apart. Girl blames all on Boy. Its all his fault. Why should Girl make accommodations and move for him when its all his fault. Boy is stuck in lease for 12 months. Boy has moved away, but not on. Boy doesn't want to move on. Boy and Girl, can't see a solution. Girl doesn't think this can survive a long distance relationship. Boy doesn't want to give up, but doesn't want to be told its all his fault either. Conundrum!!!!!

See, a condensed "Moving" love story. Get it......Boy moved. Yeah, I know.

Last day in Buffalo. Reg and I are packing up. We pick up the U-haul at 2 and will load it then. I'm a little nervous. I can admit that. A little scared that I know no one out there. Heck, I won't even have electricity until Monday (because they didn't tell me my unit number and it was on the paper work and it took them 2 days to call me back, The electric company won't get there till Monday).

And I wish things were better with Jenna. I really do. I'm going to miss her more than anyone else. I want to try, to try and keep it going. But she doesn't want that. Not with me moving away. Which I understand....but don't agree with or like. I love her. But I need some sort of change. And moving, moving is a change. I just wish it wouldn't be the end of us. We had such a nice good day together on Tuesday. It was fun, it was wonderful, it was everything I wanted.

Bedroom- Only the small stuff remains. Some things on my dresser. The bed.

Living Room - The last part in need of real cleaning. The closet is cleaned out. The rest needs to be organized and packed.

The kitchen - The spices need to be packed up. As well any remaining food. Pots need to be packed as well.

The Attic - Some things to be thrown out remain up there. As well as some clothes drying.

The Bathroom - Needs a once over. Relatively clean. LIttle to pack.

Not bad. Really just a days work. I have a giant pile I need taken to the Salvation Army.

Its been a really really dreary day. Raining all day. It was all I could do to get up off the couch. I thought about the day before. And the night before. Marc's wedding was fun. Except for every time I turned next to me and saw the empty "guest" chair. And everyone asking me if we were just arguing or broken up.

And it all made me think of the morning before. I went there early in morning when she called me. I showed up before 7 am and crawled in bed with her. And we did talked. And I knew I was moving without her. Its a certainty. But I said I didn't want this move to mean I'd never see her again. And It was a peaceful sleep. And she repeated that it didn't change anything, that wasn't moving. That we were, are, and will be over. And no words could change it. And I repeated, I just don't want this to be the last time I see her. And that I still loved her. And then I think she said the most hurtful thing I think she's ever said to me. "I can't wait for you to leave so I can forget you." And so I left. Pissed. And hurt.

Marc's wedding was fun. They looked happy. I've never been to an Islamic wedding before. Interesting dances. Interesting people and customs. And in order to dance to the music you just clap a lot. Which was fun. Mike and Lisa, Sean and Missy, and Brian and Ralynne where all there. As well obviously Marc and Anita. And Marc's brother Dave (who briefly lived in my attic). And his wife Fallon. And I danced. And drank some (not much). And had a good time, and left smiling. And I got back after midnight, and passed out. Alone. And missing someone very much.

AJ: wanna grab a coffee?
Jenna: no
Jenna: this is very simple
Jenna: you dont live here any more
Jenna: i do
Jenna: i dont want to see you

I get it. And I'm trying to understand. But I'm not going to accept it. Not before I move. And probably not after I move. I just, can't give up yet. But I can't put my life on hold. As much as I want to....as much as I'd want to stay here and hope we get back together. I have to be out of my apartment on Friday. And I don't want to stay in Buffalo. And maybe I'll move and we'll still work things out (which I hope)....and maybe....they won't....and that'll suck...a lot.

I was feeling bummed today. All day. My mom gave a good pep talk. Something about being a Charpentier. And Charpentier's never fully plan anything. Because things can go wrong at last minute. And how we seem to pull everything together and come through at the last minute. When we have to. And it made me feel better. And as stupid as it seems that my brother won't take a weekend off to help me move (when I offered to pay him), my sister Angie came through and coming up from Boston-ish to help me move. I tried to say no...that it was way too far for her come just to help me move....but she's picking up my mother and coming. Which is extremely nice. And I'm grateful for. Bonus...Reggie's coming up Thursday night to help me load crap on Friday. Eat it PJ.

I came home with various applications. The nicest place I looked at was $560 a month that includes heat. I didn't make any down payment because I wanted to talk to Jenna. See if there was any inkling of us left. She basically told me no. That unless I could go back in time and undo what I've done (sending a happy birthday text to my ex whom she hates) then there's nothing. Nothing to us....nothing left. And I'm down. Pretty freaking down.

So I'm drinking heavily tonight and listening to depressing music.

Addition: Matt gave me some news that didn't make my situation seem as bad. Its crappy. But Matt's in a worse place.

Still here. Going to look at apartments this morning. And maybe play a course of frisbee before driving home. I slept 8 hours last night and am still tired. Probably wasn't the best sleep. I think I'm talking myself out of living in Cleveland. Not a great thing to do, but I'm bummed. Probably has more to do with my mood than Cleveland itself.

I went out and walked to a few places last night, but didn't stay out. Just didn't feel like it. So yeah....look at some apartments. Maybe drive around a little bit first. Then look at apartments. Then go home to Angelo.

I'm in Cleveland. I've looked at some nice apartments. I'm still trying to get a "feel" for the city. And the whole time....I'm thinking of Jenna. All the apartments I've looked at, I see her in them with me. And I talked to her today. And I don't know what to do. I want to/need to move. I want her to move with me. She's right too.....I hold onto friendships and connections with people way too long. Beyond when they try to connect with me. So I went through IM's, my phone, and address book and deleted all those people I don't talk to anymore. Or that I've talked to only because I initiated it.

Stupid thing I'm in Cleveland to look at the city, look at apartments and get ready to move. And all I want to do is go back to Buffalo and talk face to face with Jenna. Try to make things work one more time. I'm a moron when I screw up. I need to be beat over the head to recognize things. And then beat once more for good measure. If I'm completely unnerved and can't pick a place by tomorrow evening....maybe I'll stay at Dan's for a few weeks till I decide.

So I'm off to discover more Cleveland. And try and cheer up. And I've got a song by Nirvana in my head (originally sung by The Vaselines). Its called Molly's Lips.

She said
She'd take me anywhere
She'd take me anywhere
As long as she stays with me

She said
She'd take me anywhere
She'd take me anywhere
As long as I stayed clean

Kiss kiss
Molly's lips
Kiss kiss
Molly's lips
Kiss kiss
Molly's lips
Kiss kiss

Makes me think of Jenna some more. I"m going to try and find the Tremont area of Cleveland now. Maybe drown myself in a few pints.

I do miss Jenna a lot. But the more she calls up, and the more she bitches at me for being an asshole, the less worse I end up feeling.

I have flaws. I do. I dated two women from work two separate times after breaking up with Jenna. One, Sarah, I broke up with Jenna after a friend had said "Why are you with Jenna, when she tells you she will never marry you? When she says you don't have a future." It was eye opening at that time. Yes I had met Sarah before that. But I didn't break up with Jenna for Sarah. I hold true to that. And then Sam. Jenna broke up with me....and I didn't want too. We had a hard week, a very hard week. She worked a lot...we didn't communicate well. I went to watch football with a friend when she said i should, but I shouldn't of. I told Jenna we'd work through it, and she called back and said no. And a week later I did go on a date with Sam. However Jenna did go out on dates while we were broken up too. Just with multiple people, not just one person each time. And yes, I talked to a girl online while Jenna and I were dating at the same time Jenna was flirting with her roommate and ditching me to go out at night with him.

But I don't need my past failing rubbed in my face, not a million times over. I don't berate her on hers. I don't call her up to bitch about things she's done her past.

So yeah, just when the future looks brightest it fucks up. Just when its all going to work out, it doesn't, because of my ineptitude. I never said I didn't feel bad about it. I do. I feel awful. And it does bug me. And I am sorry. But if you've already decided to cast me away, if you're already moving on and you've broken all my dvd's and thrown out anything of mine you got your hands.....don't call to tell me how much of an asshole I am again. You're not calling to try and resolve anything. You're calling to bitch at me. Maybe I've broken your heart, you've broken mine too. When you call I think maybe we can talk, but you don't want to talk. And when I hang up on you after you've done nothing but bitch, I don't feel bad about that. Not in the least. And I never said I wanted to move without you. I don't. You have the most beautiful face and smile I've ever seen...I hold true to that too.

I'm listening to The Good LIfe while packing. Not a smart move. All it does is make me want to call Jenna. And its before noon. Too much to do today to start drinking now.

I've gone through my clothes. Well shirts, not counting button down. I have 18 t-shirts I'm keeping. 12 white undershirts (I have to wear undershirts, doesn't feel right otherwise). 6 Long sleeve shirts. 9 Polo shirts. Hmm....didn't know I had so many shirts. Oldest shirt....one from Freshman year of college. That's a decade old. But its just a t-shirt. Doesn't worn too much now.

Now onto pants.
5 pairs of work pants. 2 pairs of workout pants. 4 pairs of corduroys. 6 pairs of jeans. 3 pairs of shorts. 2 pairs of running shorts (just in case). 1 pair of pajama pants. 1 swimsuit.

8 sweaters (7 nice work ones....one comfy hooded sweatshirt). 24 pairs of boxers, 24 pairs of socks (coincidence). 20 button down shirts. 2 complete suits. There...that's all the clothes I have. A lot more than I originally thought. And that's with a bunch going to the Salvation Army.

Time to make some calls. Shower. Go to the Salvation Army. Go get some boxes. And back to packing.

It's been an ok weekend. I hung out with Pat all weekend, Dan most of it too. Played Flip Cup in the rain. Commiserated with Dan. DIscussed with Pat. Decided on Cleveland, Ohio instead of Asheville. Its closer to Buffalo, makes for an easier quicker move, especially alone now. Its also a city close to but larger than Buffalo, with similarly placed rent, even close to the water.

I'm going there on Tuesday and Wednesday. I called and set up some appointments to see apartments for Tuesday already. I've got a list of others I need to call tomorrow. I have to get a place to stay still.

I've updated my resume. Completely cleaned out the attic (It just needs the foosball table removed and some garbage taken out). Now I'm going to give Angelo a comb, and put on a movie and try to catch up on sleep I've missed this weekend. Sounds productive.

I started packing up the kitchen. 6 forks, 6 spoons, 6 butter knives. A couple sharper knives. Some soup spoons. 4 regular coffee mugs (my Denny's mug), 3 bigger double size mugs. 4 small normal cups. 4 larger cups. 6 pint glasses. That's a lot of cups. But for some reason....most of them have great memories attached to them and I had trouble getting rid of them.

Six large plates, six small plates (nice ones). Six bowls (regular sized), some round deep bowls. Couple spatulas and other cooking utensils.

Left behind. 10 coffee mugs. 5 pint glasses. 4 smaller glasses. 4 large size glasses. 4 plastic cups. 3 "Reg" sized bowls. 6 normal bowls. 10 large plates. 8 normal sized plates. 3 plastic travel coffee mugs.

I don't know where I got so much kitchen ware. It'll be a giant trip to the salvation army.

I really, really wanted the move with Jenna. I did. But like always it falls through. Life sucks sometimes. You make good decisions, you make bad. I sent a happy birthday message to someone I hadn't seen or talked to in a while. Because something made me think of their birthday. Unfortunately it was someone (Sam) that Jenna had told me not to talk to. And on her (Jenna's) birthday, at 7:30 am....after a great night.....Jenna went in my phone and saw the message. And it was the deal breaker. Maybe I shouldn't of written Sam.....Jenna asked me if it was worth it. And it wasn't. But I didn't write it with the intent to hurt, I wrote because I thought it'd be a nice thing. I'm not interested in close friendship with Sam, or interested in her, or seeing her out, or even really chatting with her. But I thought a happy birthday message would be nice.

So Jenna broke up with me. And she called me immature. And broke my dvd's I had at her apartment. And I'm sure burned or threw out anything she had in her apartment that reminded her of me. So I'm back to moving alone. Pat was already coming up this weekend. So he's here keeping me company. Work just finished. I'm going to go look at apartments next week on tuesday, wednesday and thursday. And hopefully move not long after that.