| Peanuts | Poop |
| Serving Size | 1 cup | 1 handful |
| Calories | 838.0 | Spit out too quickly - we'll never know |
| Protein (gm) | 37.7 | Helps stick to roof of your mouth |
| Carbohydrate (gm) | 29.7 | Provides energy for screaming in disgust |
| Fiber (gm) | 3.9 | Acts as effective laxative due to entwined fur |
| Fat (gm) | 70.1 | Induces aromatic breath for a memorable date |
| Vitamin E (IU) | 9.4 | Stains teeth, gives "just-capped" appearence |
