Fri - March 12, 2004
we must destroy the MCP cone
Oh yeah. Great idea. Why don't we just cede the
whole thing to our future machine lords and masters now. Have you people never
seen the
matrix?
Posted at 12:26 AM
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Welcome to the new apartment
Lost: $6.75 YTD:
$59.75 Venue: My
Place Attending: Erik, Courtney, Andy, Jason,
Matt, Adam and Myself
I won a hand without even looking at my cards!
Having done this, I no longer care whether I win or lose on the night. I am
going to do a thought experiment and play one hand that way every week. I might
even Guts without looking. Damn that was fun!
Posted at 12:12 AM
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Thu - March 11, 2004
The Triplettes of Belleville
3:00 pm @ Canada
Square Attending: Me
I just wrote a really harsh review of this movie.
Honestly, I have no idea where this review came from, possibly my hypo-thalamus,
the lizard part of my brain that deals with hunger, breathing and orgasms. In
reality I was kind of mildly amused by Triplettes, and although I don't think it
works overall there are some nice sequences and a few visual gags pay off
beautifully. The movie's a testament to how effective animation can be when it
starts with a bedrock of flat out great character design, and a very individual
point of view. That said, here's my first
review:
Unfortunately this
played out like a really really long version of one of those sub-par National
Film Board animated shorts we used to get before the features back in the
eighties. Not a good one, mind you. Not "The Hockey Sweater." Not even "The Log
Driver's Waltz." Certainly not even to be mentioned with the truly great, like
"The Cat Came Back" and "The Big Snit." More like "Get a
Job".
Here's something else it
reminded me of: The Tune, Bill Plympton's 80 minute long feature which proved
why he should only do the visual haiku he got famous for. Pure visual gags and
an almost religious insistence of whimsy instead of story left me feeling just
like I do every time one of these "visual extravaganzas" comes out; bored stiff.
Do us a favor, all you so called geniuses out there. Stop fucking with story,
like it's just a fad. It ain't a fad. We're hard fucking wired to like it, so
stop giving us shit we don't like instead of it. Want to make a movie that's
purely about character and detail, with no plot at all? Great, just make sure
that under no circumstances does it ever exceed 10 minutes in length. For god
sakes don't make a feature, it'll have people crawling out of their
skin.
Okay. All better.
Posted at 11:56 PM
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our ten week long national nightmare is over
I took a look at the upcoming movie release schedule
today. After what seems like an impossibly long period of time (10 weeks, you
must be shitting me.
You
haven't seen a movie in ten weeks?) there are finally motion pictures of
potential merit being released. It's been ten weeks of Butterfly Effects, Ashley
Judd in peril vehicles and some piece of crap about a carpenter getting
murdered. Finally I have some fun to look forward to. Starting with a catch up
for Triplettes of Belleville today, I'm
seeing:Secret Window (Johnny Depp!
Johnny Turturro! Little Stevie King! Davey Koepp! Not to mention Lenny Cariou
and Vingy Rhames!)Spartan (new Mamet =
Matthew's attendance)Next
week:Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Mind (A year without Kaufman is like a year without sunsh... forget it, too
promotional)Jersey Girl (Finally. The
last movie Kevin Smith will ever direct. After this he'll be so busy writing
comic book adaptations he won't have time to undirect another
script)After
That:The Ladykillers (The Coens meet
Hanks. An Ealing remake. Irma P. Hall. Oh,
yeah)Kill Bill Vol. 2
(Duh)Hellboy (Double Duh. Have you
seen
Ron Perlman
in all his glory?)Dogville (I need
to do this a second time to figure out why it knocked me on my ass so hard the
first time)How cool is it that within
a month we get new Tarantino, Kevin Smith, Lars Von Trier, Coen Brothers,
Guillermo Del Toro, Mamet and Kaufman? It's like the full on geek nexus out
there. Take that, Jesus!
Posted at 08:49 AM
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Ooh, ooh... pick me!
At school last Friday with Max (I was there to help
transport a show and tell so large Max was unable to lift it by himself) I was
treated to the sight of fifteen kids ages 3-5 polishing their individual
presentation skills. I was a little disappointed, since these kids have been
doing show and tells now since September. Not one kid opened with a
joke.
On the plus side, I got to see a
4 year old boy hold up a Captain Underpants book, and when he was asked about
his favorite part of the book he sat down to find it and proceeded to just read
the book to himself, laughing quietly while the other kids waited for him to
stand back up again and share his favorite part. I honestly think he would have
read the whole book, oblivious, if the teacher hadn't asked him to give someone
else a turn.
Also, Max asks every kid
the same question, regardless of what is being shown whilst we are told. The
question on his mind, every time, is "Does that Transform?"
Posted at 12:05 AM
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Wed - March 3, 2004
Into the fire
Lost: $9.75 YTD:
$66.50 Venue: Andy's (and
Sandy's) Attending: Jason, Andy, Matt, Myself
and Adam
A breakthrough occurred this week, as I figured out
a way to annoy the other players without insulting them directly! I just spent
the better part of the game using all the lingo I'm learning watching poker on
TV. It's delightful!
I played the
Robbie Williams song for Matt in the car on the way home and we both agree it
could be great, although it's a litttle ballsy and could make him look like a
boob if I'm not careful. For the record, although I don't think it needs
mentioning, I'm not finishing the doc without his utter approval in every way,
since the whole idea is to help promote him and make him famous. In any case, he
likee so far!
Posted at 08:58 AM
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Mon - March 1, 2004
Look out! Einar has a guhuutengaaben!
According to this,
exposure to videogames makes us fat, violent, and Swedish. I have a lot of
friends who game regularly and not one has started to enjoy herring, although
the fat and violent parts fit well enough.
Posted at 08:22 PM
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Tradition.... Tradition!
Things I learned tonight whilst enjoying some
Oscar:
1) Sure things really do pan
out. There wasn't a single real surprise pick in the bunch with almost every
odds on fave picking up the hardware. The only time upsets did occur they were
in favor of LOTR, so really had I picked the sweep I could have done quite
well.
2) I'm exceptionally bad at
handicapping this thing because I hate picking the obvious choices. Jason's good
at it, because he has no panache. He is virtually panacheless. He is panache
deprived. I am immensely jealous that he has won 2 years in a row. I am a bad
loser.
3) Sandra Bullock has apparently
had some sort of plastic surgery.
4)
Joan Rivers now resembles the wax statue of herself at Mme.
Tussaud's.
5) No movies wanted to
promote themselves during the big show, except Starsky and
Hutch.
6) Stuart Townsend is this
year's Chad Lowe, which is not something everyone can say. He can also brag to
Viggo that he's got more acting oscars in his house. Screw you for being
Aragorn, you git.
7) I really ought to
see Triplettes of Belleville, and buy the
soundtrack.
8) This was the best crop
of original song nominees possibly
ever.
9) Eugene Levy and Catherine
O'Hara basically feshmollioned
that audience. I've only heard cheers like
that once before, for Robin Williams and Blame
Canada!
10) The decision to mish all
the songs together like that was inspired, except for putting A Mighty Wind on
before Triplettes, and then having the wife of the director of wind introduce
both, making it seem like she actively disliked one of the nominees she
introduced.
11) Marc Shaiman is now a
balding black man. No one knows how it
happened.
12) After 4 years away Billy
Crystal was really quite funny. I have to give props, I thought he did a
genuinely good job. Even the "opening number" shtick was cute again. It's like
having a relative visit and remind you that you missed
them.
13) Frank Pierson should come to
rehearsal before offending Gregory Peck's
widow.
14) Everyone looks funny dressed
as gollum. My costume is already in
progress.
15) Australia, New Zealand,
South Africa and Canada were all award winners tonight: Maybe there's hope yet
for the commonwealth.
16) No one's as
humorless as Peter Weir, unless it's Chris Guest. Or Russell
Crowe.
Things I wished I had
seen:
Sean Penn punch
someone.
Tim Robbins chuck his oscar
and burn down the stage screaming "sic semper
tyrannis!"
Susan Sarandon; see
above.
Keisha Castle-Hughes make out
with Adrian Brody.
Sean Penn make out
with Adrian Brody.
Adrian Brody make
out with Johnny Depp.
Sean Penn make
out with Johnny Depp,
An angry Marlon
Brando come storming in after the fat joke, screaming "Sic Semper
Tyrannis!"
Jason asked for quiet
during Peter Jackson's best director acceptance speech. Like that won't be on
the DVD.
rock, paper,
dynamite.
Posted at 01:50 AM
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Sun - February 29, 2004
Rock, Paper, Scissors
Max is ever the lateral thinker, having figured out
a foolproof rock, paper scissors strategy. When he wants to win for sure, he
simply chooses...DYNAMITE. He made up a hand symbol for it and
everything.
I can just picture him
learning about dynamite in school and immediately thinking to himself "heyyy..
that would be perfect for rock paper scissors. I am totally using
that!"
Next time he wants to play, just
watch out, is all.
Posted at 10:47 AM
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Thu - February 26, 2004
TV might have taught me something.... then again
Won: $9.25 YTD:
$76.25 Venue: My
Place Attending: Myself, Jason, Jay,
Erik
Yeah, we managed to scrape another game together and
limp towards what stands for fun in my world. Matt was off working on some film
(thanks a lot for following your dream, asshole) Evan was out of town or
something (like I believe that), Adam never got back to us, Andy was doing
something scientific I'm sure (cured cancer yet? no? well then eat shit, mo-fo)
and on and on and on. Life is about making choices, people. I told my son I
couldn't play with him! Set priorities that are important and... wait, forget I
said anything.
In any case, the streak
remains unbroken although not for lack of me screwing up. A late inning rally in
3 handed hold'em was the only thing that kept me alive. I figured I had a pretty
good handle on strategy in these things so I went to ultimatebet.com and
downloaded the software to play for fun. Got cleaned out of $1000 in under 2
hours at a 10-20 table. Damn I have a lot to learn.
Posted at 11:56 PM
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Thu - February 19, 2004
thank for coming...
This is Max's homemade thank you
note.
Posted at 11:20 PM
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This glass ceiling is so delicious
While we were waiting for the car to be ready, we
went over to Timmy's. I love the coffee, mind you. And I treated myself to a
sweetheart donut, so there you go. And I noticed something. Tim Horton's no
longer sells Gingerbread Men. They sell Gingerbread
Persons.
Think about that. We have lots
of cases where gender neutral language more than makes sense to me. Women can,
and do perform all sorts of jobs of work that they were previously barred from
doing, and no one's more in favor then myself. Fire Fighters, Garbage Workers,
Police Officers, etc. And there are definitely other types of language that
should also be changed since it is just plain offensive to summarily preclude
women by using that language. But
Gingerbread
Men?!? Who is being kept down by this? These
aren't exclusive club memberships, these are cookies, for god's sake. Get a
grip, for fuck's sake. What's next, will you be turning Wendy into a
hermaphrodite to better represent both sexes?
Posted at 09:51 PM
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a cast iron stomach would apparently help
Won: $12 YTD:
$67 Venue:
Jason's Attending: Myself, Jay, Jason,
Chandra
After poisoning everyone who could have potentially
attended poker this week we still managed to have a game in a limited fashion. I
still came away a winner, although a limited one since Leah showed up and sat
beside me for about 45 minutes near the end of the night. My stellar skills are
completely compromised by having my wife look on. I fall apart. You can imagine
what I was like on a date.
Then we had
to drive to Etobicoke to drop our car off for service in the morning, me in the
Volvo and Leah driving her dad's van. Six months in I am starting to question
the value of the used car experience. So far the light has burned out under the
gearshift (the one that lights up which gear is selected in the dark) the brake
rotor had to be replaced and the latch that closes the wagon door stopped
working in the cold. Then I came back to the parked car in the evening and the
left hand turn signal lights were
on.
Not flashing. On. I'm not in the
car, mind you. The key's not in the ignition. In theory the turn signal doesn't
work when the car is off. So I get in, turn the engine on. The turn signal
indicator is on, solid like the lights. I try signalling. Light stays on,
nothing else happens. I try the flashers. Light stays on, nothing else happens.
I'm starting to panic, cause now I have to drive with no signals, and we're
going on a 1,000 mile trip in the car this weekend. And this is going to drain
my battery, if nothing else. So I get on the road, call Leah, get her to look up
the nearest Volvo dealer. I call. They
recognize
the problem. This is never a good sign, when something fails often enough that
they know right away what it is. I need a new Hazard Switch, the piece of
electronics that controls the hazards and coincidentally the turn signals (same
lights, after all). Do they have one in stock, I'll swing
by?
No. They won't have one until
tomorrow. So it's common enough that you know exactly what's wrong, but not
common enough for you to stock the parts. Great. I'll just drive in 10 below
weather with my hand out the window so I can use signals 75% of other drivers
won't understand. (I thought arm straight up means
stop?)
I managed to get to Jason's in
one piece, and then had the brilliant idea to remove the fuse for the circuit
with the signals on it, just to avoid running the battery down. Went inside,
played poker, came back out and proceeded to the dealership. I was just about to
leave, and then I thought about it and put the fuse back in, reconnecting the
circuit. I don't know what made me do that, except I thought they could deal
more easily with a dead battery than a missing fuse. Finding the fuse missing
might make them think that that was the problem, and they'd never check the
hazard switch, etc. So I popped the fuse back in. Guess what? The problem went
away. The turn signals and hazard lights, everything worked like there had been
nothing wrong.
I hate
cars.
I called in the morning and asked
them to run a diagnostic on the switch to make sure it wouldn't happen again.
The service manager let me know that they can't run a diagnostic on the switch.
Volvo makes some of the most sophisticated safety and performance technology in
the world, but apparently can't diagnose malfunction in a device which makes
things
blink.
Posted at 09:44 PM
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Mon - February 16, 2004
That dog won't hunt
A (mostly) good time was had by all, and amazingly
we slept 12 people plus Max and everyone got their own rooms. Saturday was
amazing, bright and clear and starkly beautiful as we loaded up on pancakes,
frolicked with abandon, captured a flag, Sandy built the greatest snow fort
ever, we played euchre, yahtzee, trivial pursuit and charades. The potluck
dinner was incredible. Not only individually good, but everything actually went
with everything else, withstanding even the making of sweet potato pies by two
different participants. Just enormously
good.
Sunday was slightly more
melancholy. Bad news from home, influenza, minus twenty weather. A pall seemed
to have been ever so slightly cast. No tubing was done that black day. Leftovers
were eaten, and we all packed up to go home. After the fantastic Saturday we had
I guess it was inevitable.
And to the
recipient of the truly bad news I just want to say one thing. Your heart's too
big. You feel everything more deeply than I think I could feel anything. It's a
small part of what makes you one of the loveliest and most gracious people I
have ever been lucky enough to meet. I won't say condolences to you, in favor of
a jewish custom I think is more appropriate here: Strength. I wish you the
greatest of strength.
Posted at 07:47 AM
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the return of the quaaah
mwa-ha-ha-ha
frosting based chronology
yes... i can hear that as well as you can hear me
iceberg! right ahead!
Icefield panorama
hell yeah I like to paint
Canadian winters demand new spearmint flavored gas from petro can
Dance me to the end of love
Considuh dat a divohce
How much to let me put a barbecue in the hot tub?
Every hotsy totsy nazi stand and cheer...
I knew it
Chill Out
Acting! brilliant!
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Published On: Mar 12, 2004 12:27 AM
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