Fri - March 12, 2004

we must destroy the MCP cone



Oh yeah. Great idea. Why don't we just cede the whole thing to our future machine lords and masters now. Have you people never seen the matrix?


Posted at 12:26 AM     Read More  

Welcome to the new apartment


Lost: $6.75
YTD: $59.75
Venue: My Place
Attending: Erik, Courtney, Andy, Jason, Matt, Adam and Myself

I won a hand without even looking at my cards! Having done this, I no longer care whether I win or lose on the night. I am going to do a thought experiment and play one hand that way every week. I might even Guts without looking. Damn that was fun!

Posted at 12:12 AM     Read More  

Thu - March 11, 2004

The Triplettes of Belleville


3:00 pm @ Canada Square
Attending: Me

I just wrote a really harsh review of this movie. Honestly, I have no idea where this review came from, possibly my hypo-thalamus, the lizard part of my brain that deals with hunger, breathing and orgasms. In reality I was kind of mildly amused by Triplettes, and although I don't think it works overall there are some nice sequences and a few visual gags pay off beautifully. The movie's a testament to how effective animation can be when it starts with a bedrock of flat out great character design, and a very individual point of view. That said, here's my first review:

Unfortunately this played out like a really really long version of one of those sub-par National Film Board animated shorts we used to get before the features back in the eighties. Not a good one, mind you. Not "The Hockey Sweater." Not even "The Log Driver's Waltz." Certainly not even to be mentioned with the truly great, like "The Cat Came Back" and "The Big Snit." More like "Get a Job".

Here's something else it reminded me of: The Tune, Bill Plympton's 80 minute long feature which proved why he should only do the visual haiku he got famous for. Pure visual gags and an almost religious insistence of whimsy instead of story left me feeling just like I do every time one of these "visual extravaganzas" comes out; bored stiff. Do us a favor, all you so called geniuses out there. Stop fucking with story, like it's just a fad. It ain't a fad. We're hard fucking wired to like it, so stop giving us shit we don't like instead of it. Want to make a movie that's purely about character and detail, with no plot at all? Great, just make sure that under no circumstances does it ever exceed 10 minutes in length. For god sakes don't make a feature, it'll have people crawling out of their skin.

Okay. All better.

Posted at 11:56 PM     Read More  

our ten week long national nightmare is over



I took a look at the upcoming movie release schedule today. After what seems like an impossibly long period of time (10 weeks, you must be shitting me. You haven't seen a movie in ten weeks?) there are finally motion pictures of potential merit being released. It's been ten weeks of Butterfly Effects, Ashley Judd in peril vehicles and some piece of crap about a carpenter getting murdered. Finally I have some fun to look forward to. Starting with a catch up for Triplettes of Belleville today, I'm seeing:

Secret Window (Johnny Depp! Johnny Turturro! Little Stevie King! Davey Koepp! Not to mention Lenny Cariou and Vingy Rhames!)

Spartan (new Mamet = Matthew's attendance)

Next week:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (A year without Kaufman is like a year without sunsh... forget it, too promotional)

Jersey Girl (Finally. The last movie Kevin Smith will ever direct. After this he'll be so busy writing comic book adaptations he won't have time to undirect another script)

After That:

The Ladykillers (The Coens meet Hanks. An Ealing remake. Irma P. Hall. Oh, yeah)
Kill Bill Vol. 2 (Duh)
Hellboy (Double Duh. Have you seen Ron Perlman in all his glory?)
Dogville (I need to do this a second time to figure out why it knocked me on my ass so hard the first time)

How cool is it that within a month we get new Tarantino, Kevin Smith, Lars Von Trier, Coen Brothers, Guillermo Del Toro, Mamet and Kaufman? It's like the full on geek nexus out there. Take that, Jesus!

Posted at 08:49 AM     Read More  

Ooh, ooh... pick me!



At school last Friday with Max (I was there to help transport a show and tell so large Max was unable to lift it by himself) I was treated to the sight of fifteen kids ages 3-5 polishing their individual presentation skills. I was a little disappointed, since these kids have been doing show and tells now since September. Not one kid opened with a joke.

On the plus side, I got to see a 4 year old boy hold up a Captain Underpants book, and when he was asked about his favorite part of the book he sat down to find it and proceeded to just read the book to himself, laughing quietly while the other kids waited for him to stand back up again and share his favorite part. I honestly think he would have read the whole book, oblivious, if the teacher hadn't asked him to give someone else a turn.

Also, Max asks every kid the same question, regardless of what is being shown whilst we are told. The question on his mind, every time, is "Does that Transform?"

Posted at 12:05 AM     Read More  

Wed - March 3, 2004

Into the fire


Lost: $9.75
YTD: $66.50
Venue: Andy's (and Sandy's)
Attending: Jason, Andy, Matt, Myself and Adam

A breakthrough occurred this week, as I figured out a way to annoy the other players without insulting them directly! I just spent the better part of the game using all the lingo I'm learning watching poker on TV. It's delightful!

I played the Robbie Williams song for Matt in the car on the way home and we both agree it could be great, although it's a litttle ballsy and could make him look like a boob if I'm not careful. For the record, although I don't think it needs mentioning, I'm not finishing the doc without his utter approval in every way, since the whole idea is to help promote him and make him famous. In any case, he likee so far!

Posted at 08:58 AM     Read More  

Mon - March 1, 2004

Look out! Einar has a guhuutengaaben!



According to this, exposure to videogames makes us fat, violent, and Swedish. I have a lot of friends who game regularly and not one has started to enjoy herring, although the fat and violent parts fit well enough.

Posted at 08:22 PM     Read More  

Tradition.... Tradition!



Things I learned tonight whilst enjoying some Oscar:

1) Sure things really do pan out. There wasn't a single real surprise pick in the bunch with almost every odds on fave picking up the hardware. The only time upsets did occur they were in favor of LOTR, so really had I picked the sweep I could have done quite well.

2) I'm exceptionally bad at handicapping this thing because I hate picking the obvious choices. Jason's good at it, because he has no panache. He is virtually panacheless. He is panache deprived. I am immensely jealous that he has won 2 years in a row. I am a bad loser.

3) Sandra Bullock has apparently had some sort of plastic surgery.

4) Joan Rivers now resembles the wax statue of herself at Mme. Tussaud's.

5) No movies wanted to promote themselves during the big show, except Starsky and Hutch.

6) Stuart Townsend is this year's Chad Lowe, which is not something everyone can say. He can also brag to Viggo that he's got more acting oscars in his house. Screw you for being Aragorn, you git.

7) I really ought to see Triplettes of Belleville, and buy the soundtrack.

8) This was the best crop of original song nominees possibly ever.

9) Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara basically feshmollioned that audience. I've only heard cheers like that once before, for Robin Williams and Blame Canada!

10) The decision to mish all the songs together like that was inspired, except for putting A Mighty Wind on before Triplettes, and then having the wife of the director of wind introduce both, making it seem like she actively disliked one of the nominees she introduced.

11) Marc Shaiman is now a balding black man. No one knows how it happened.

12) After 4 years away Billy Crystal was really quite funny. I have to give props, I thought he did a genuinely good job. Even the "opening number" shtick was cute again. It's like having a relative visit and remind you that you missed them.

13) Frank Pierson should come to rehearsal before offending Gregory Peck's widow.

14) Everyone looks funny dressed as gollum. My costume is already in progress.

15) Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and Canada were all award winners tonight: Maybe there's hope yet for the commonwealth.

16) No one's as humorless as Peter Weir, unless it's Chris Guest. Or Russell Crowe.


Things I wished I had seen:

Sean Penn punch someone.

Tim Robbins chuck his oscar and burn down the stage screaming "sic semper tyrannis!"

Susan Sarandon; see above.

Keisha Castle-Hughes make out with Adrian Brody.

Sean Penn make out with Adrian Brody.

Adrian Brody make out with Johnny Depp.

Sean Penn make out with Johnny Depp,

An angry Marlon Brando come storming in after the fat joke, screaming "Sic Semper Tyrannis!"


Jason asked for quiet during Peter Jackson's best director acceptance speech. Like that won't be on the DVD.

rock, paper, dynamite.

Posted at 01:50 AM     Read More  

Sun - February 29, 2004

Rock, Paper, Scissors



Max is ever the lateral thinker, having figured out a foolproof rock, paper scissors strategy. When he wants to win for sure, he simply chooses...DYNAMITE. He made up a hand symbol for it and everything.

I can just picture him learning about dynamite in school and immediately thinking to himself "heyyy.. that would be perfect for rock paper scissors. I am totally using that!"

Next time he wants to play, just watch out, is all.

Posted at 10:47 AM     Read More  

Thu - February 26, 2004

TV might have taught me something.... then again


Won: $9.25
YTD: $76.25
Venue: My Place
Attending: Myself, Jason, Jay, Erik

Yeah, we managed to scrape another game together and limp towards what stands for fun in my world. Matt was off working on some film (thanks a lot for following your dream, asshole) Evan was out of town or something (like I believe that), Adam never got back to us, Andy was doing something scientific I'm sure (cured cancer yet? no? well then eat shit, mo-fo) and on and on and on. Life is about making choices, people. I told my son I couldn't play with him! Set priorities that are important and... wait, forget I said anything.

In any case, the streak remains unbroken although not for lack of me screwing up. A late inning rally in 3 handed hold'em was the only thing that kept me alive. I figured I had a pretty good handle on strategy in these things so I went to ultimatebet.com and downloaded the software to play for fun. Got cleaned out of $1000 in under 2 hours at a 10-20 table. Damn I have a lot to learn.

Posted at 11:56 PM     Read More  

Quebec City took a real dump



There was just more snow than I have ever, ever seen in a long time. I really thought we had a lot of snow up at the cottage last weekend, but seriously this was nothing compared to basically everywhere in Quebec. It snowed non-stop for more than 48 hours. Nobody seemed to notice that this might be a problem. We asked a cabby if this was an unusual amount. He described it as "moyenne" (medium) for Q.C.

The wedding was very beautiful, although cold.




The Ice Hotel itself has its charm. Definitely a place I'm just glad to say I have been to more than one I was happy visiting the whole time. Check it off my list, anyways.




The neatest thing in the Ice Hotel is the movie theatre, with a projector made of ice, projecting movies onto the ice wall opposite. I decided it would have been the perfect place to watch Rocky Horror, if only because all that jumping around would be the only thing that kept the blood moving.




Q.C. was also lovely, and the best part was working up a giant appetite with a 3-4 hour walk every day. It really made you appreciate the enormous and cheap mounds of delicious food served everywhere. I cannot live in Quebec. Between the sugar pie, the patisserie and the abundance of cheap bistro greatness I would be dead inside of six months. This way I can stay in toronto and die in like 2-3 years.


Posted at 11:47 PM     Read More  

Thu - February 19, 2004

thank for coming...



This is Max's homemade thank you note.


Posted at 11:20 PM     Read More  

This glass ceiling is so delicious



While we were waiting for the car to be ready, we went over to Timmy's. I love the coffee, mind you. And I treated myself to a sweetheart donut, so there you go. And I noticed something. Tim Horton's no longer sells Gingerbread Men. They sell Gingerbread Persons.

Think about that. We have lots of cases where gender neutral language more than makes sense to me. Women can, and do perform all sorts of jobs of work that they were previously barred from doing, and no one's more in favor then myself. Fire Fighters, Garbage Workers, Police Officers, etc. And there are definitely other types of language that should also be changed since it is just plain offensive to summarily preclude women by using that language. But Gingerbread Men?!? Who is being kept down by this? These aren't exclusive club memberships, these are cookies, for god's sake. Get a grip, for fuck's sake. What's next, will you be turning Wendy into a hermaphrodite to better represent both sexes?

Posted at 09:51 PM     Read More  

a cast iron stomach would apparently help


Won: $12
YTD: $67
Venue: Jason's
Attending: Myself, Jay, Jason, Chandra

After poisoning everyone who could have potentially attended poker this week we still managed to have a game in a limited fashion. I still came away a winner, although a limited one since Leah showed up and sat beside me for about 45 minutes near the end of the night. My stellar skills are completely compromised by having my wife look on. I fall apart. You can imagine what I was like on a date.

Then we had to drive to Etobicoke to drop our car off for service in the morning, me in the Volvo and Leah driving her dad's van. Six months in I am starting to question the value of the used car experience. So far the light has burned out under the gearshift (the one that lights up which gear is selected in the dark) the brake rotor had to be replaced and the latch that closes the wagon door stopped working in the cold. Then I came back to the parked car in the evening and the left hand turn signal lights were on.

Not flashing. On. I'm not in the car, mind you. The key's not in the ignition. In theory the turn signal doesn't work when the car is off. So I get in, turn the engine on. The turn signal indicator is on, solid like the lights. I try signalling. Light stays on, nothing else happens. I try the flashers. Light stays on, nothing else happens. I'm starting to panic, cause now I have to drive with no signals, and we're going on a 1,000 mile trip in the car this weekend. And this is going to drain my battery, if nothing else. So I get on the road, call Leah, get her to look up the nearest Volvo dealer. I call. They recognize the problem. This is never a good sign, when something fails often enough that they know right away what it is. I need a new Hazard Switch, the piece of electronics that controls the hazards and coincidentally the turn signals (same lights, after all). Do they have one in stock, I'll swing by?

No. They won't have one until tomorrow. So it's common enough that you know exactly what's wrong, but not common enough for you to stock the parts. Great. I'll just drive in 10 below weather with my hand out the window so I can use signals 75% of other drivers won't understand. (I thought arm straight up means stop?)

I managed to get to Jason's in one piece, and then had the brilliant idea to remove the fuse for the circuit with the signals on it, just to avoid running the battery down. Went inside, played poker, came back out and proceeded to the dealership. I was just about to leave, and then I thought about it and put the fuse back in, reconnecting the circuit. I don't know what made me do that, except I thought they could deal more easily with a dead battery than a missing fuse. Finding the fuse missing might make them think that that was the problem, and they'd never check the hazard switch, etc. So I popped the fuse back in. Guess what? The problem went away. The turn signals and hazard lights, everything worked like there had been nothing wrong.

I hate cars.

I called in the morning and asked them to run a diagnostic on the switch to make sure it wouldn't happen again. The service manager let me know that they can't run a diagnostic on the switch. Volvo makes some of the most sophisticated safety and performance technology in the world, but apparently can't diagnose malfunction in a device which makes things blink.

Posted at 09:44 PM     Read More  

Mon - February 16, 2004

That dog won't hunt



A (mostly) good time was had by all, and amazingly we slept 12 people plus Max and everyone got their own rooms. Saturday was amazing, bright and clear and starkly beautiful as we loaded up on pancakes, frolicked with abandon, captured a flag, Sandy built the greatest snow fort ever, we played euchre, yahtzee, trivial pursuit and charades. The potluck dinner was incredible. Not only individually good, but everything actually went with everything else, withstanding even the making of sweet potato pies by two different participants. Just enormously good.

Sunday was slightly more melancholy. Bad news from home, influenza, minus twenty weather. A pall seemed to have been ever so slightly cast. No tubing was done that black day. Leftovers were eaten, and we all packed up to go home. After the fantastic Saturday we had I guess it was inevitable.

And to the recipient of the truly bad news I just want to say one thing. Your heart's too big. You feel everything more deeply than I think I could feel anything. It's a small part of what makes you one of the loveliest and most gracious people I have ever been lucky enough to meet. I won't say condolences to you, in favor of a jewish custom I think is more appropriate here: Strength. I wish you the greatest of strength.

Posted at 07:47 AM     Read More  
the return of the quaaah
mwa-ha-ha-ha
frosting based chronology
yes... i can hear that as well as you can hear me
iceberg! right ahead!
Icefield panorama
hell yeah I like to paint
Canadian winters demand new spearmint flavored gas from petro can
Dance me to the end of love
Considuh dat a divohce
How much to let me put a barbecue in the hot tub?
Every hotsy totsy nazi stand and cheer...
I knew it
Chill Out
Acting! brilliant!


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