http://homepage.mac.com/lymond/ew © Michael E. Cohen Fri, 19 Nov 2004 11:48:49 -0800 Fri, 19 Nov 2004 11:48:56 -0800 iBlog 1.4.0 The cover presents Angelina Jolie, Colin Farrell, and Val Kilmer staring at the camera, respectively haughty, bemused, and smirking. "The Real Story Behind Oliver Stone's Alexander" is supposedly featured within this issue: I'll see if that's true, but, given that this is EW, I suspect that the statement is somewhat overblown. ]]> Fri, 19 Nov 2004 11:15:00 -0800 The theme is the Holiday Movie Preview, and the cover features Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman. They are very beautiful to look at, and yet there's something about the way they're looking back at me that makes me slightly uncomfortable. It's not as if they can tell what I'm thinking.... ]]> Fri, 12 Nov 2004 12:00:00 -0800 Elton John, in black T-shirt and bright red coat, smiling and snapping his fingers, stands against a white background on the cover. "Elton John Speaks Out I'm Not Cranky!" says the accompanying text. Perhaps menopausal, I respond. ]]> Thu, 04 Nov 2004 17:00:00 -0800 The cover announces that "Everybody Loves Ray", yet Jamie Foxx, who appears on the cover sitting in front of a microphone and keyboard, is not named Ray, and though Foxx does portray Ray Charles in his new film, he's not dressed like Charles in the cover picture either. So maybe the cover caption writer didn't see the cover picture.... It's not that good a picture, anyway. ]]> Fri, 29 Oct 2004 11:15:00 -0700 Mel's on the cover and he looks angry, like he's just about to take a swing at me. How does he know I don't like him? Because I don't. Meanwhile a smiling, happy, dead Christoper Reeve stares down from the corner of the cover. I wonder if Mel wants to deck him, too. ]]> Fri, 22 Oct 2004 09:50:00 -0700 The stars (Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman, Teri Hatcher, and Eva Longoria) of Desperate Housewives grace the cover. Ordinarily, I suppose I'd find them seductive, but I have a cold so all I can think is, gee, I'd really like it if one of them would make me some chicken soup. ]]> Fri, 15 Oct 2004 10:45:00 -0700 The cover features Sarah Michelle Gellar, dressed and lit in blue, crawling in sexually-aroused terror away from the camera. Yes, she's posing. The alternative is too disturbing to consider. ]]> Fri, 08 Oct 2004 12:00:00 -0700 The cast of C.S.I conveys sullen irritability on this week's cover. Clearly someone involved in the cover shoot forgot to say, "Smile." ]]> Fri, 01 Oct 2004 11:00:10 -0700 This week's cover picture is a publicity shot from 1977 of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, and Harrison Ford in their Star Wars regalia. While Hamill as Luke Skywalker aims a blaster to the left and Ford as Han Solo aims one to the right, Fisher as Princess Leia excitedly grips the abdomen hair of Mayhew's howling Chewbacca. There are laws against that kind of behavior in some states. ]]> Thu, 23 Sep 2004 05:50:00 -0700 Against a dark background, Gwyneth Paltrow gazes out from the cover wearing her very best La Gioconda smile. The cover asks "Gwyneth: Mom Or Movie Star?" because according to the secret EW Editorial Law of Arbitrarily Limited Choices, she can be only one. ]]> Thu, 16 Sep 2004 21:50:00 -0700 The rather off-putting orange-hued cover features Drea de Matteo squeezing Matt LeBlanc's cheeks as though his head were a piece of fruit. It's the Fall TV Preview issue, heralding a harvest bounty of stuff I won't watch. ]]> Thu, 09 Sep 2004 16:40:00 -0700 On the cover (which I have to unfold in order to appreciate the whole rich panorama), Donald Trump walks aggressively down a red carpet from his private helicopter; lined up on either side are the new contestants for The Apprentice's second season. The cover quotes Trump: "It's More Brutal. It's More Vicious. It's Just Better." So that's how a capitalist talks. ]]> Thu, 02 Sep 2004 16:30:00 -0700 Johnny Depp, dressed as James Barrie in old school tie and waistcoat and wearing a facial expression that makes him resemble Joey Tribiani, stands before a lurid painted backdrop of some sort of faeryland meadow. The even more luridly colored typeface on the cover, which promises "All The Buzz On 135 New Films! FALL MOVIE PREVIEW", almost induces nystagmus. ]]> Thu, 26 Aug 2004 17:00:00 -0700 A photomosaic consisting of 1927 tiny portraits combine to make up the face of Julia Roberts on this week's cover. One of her teeth seems to be a man with a beard, which I fear could lead to a dental hygiene dilemma. ]]> Fri, 13 Aug 2004 12:00:00 -0700 Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx leap like cheerleaders on the cover. Tom's ugly T-shirt rides up so we can all admire his fuzzy navel. I need a drink.... ]]> Thu, 05 Aug 2004 23:00:00 -0700