The cover shows the former Mouseketeer as a Madonna/whore wannabe, wearing a tight strapless white dress and with hands held in prayer, and bills her as "Pop's Sexiest Bad Girl". Not so coincidentally, the back of this issue features a Camel ad depicting a 1950's-style singer in a tight strapless yellow dress and long yellow gloves, who looks like she could be Britney's mother. Either one might give you cancer. On the TOC's first page our newest M/W is in black-leather full-skank mode; on the second TOC page she's also in black-leather skank mode but is either a touch more modest or is just trying to keep warm. At this point, our just invented Britney skank-o-meter shows "Whore" leading "Madonna" by a score of 2-1.

A letter from Tim Callaway pisses on Stephen King and all celebrities for complaining about their loss of privacy, Tim's underlying assumption being that these folk wanted fame, so suck it up. Hey, Tim, looks like you just found a moment of fame: can I follow you around and take pictures of you for the rest of your life?

On page 19 there's a full-page cartoon written by Harvey Pekar and drawn by R. Crumb. Very meta. I like it.

The six-page story on Britney Spears reveals nothing about her that could make me care that there's a six-page story on her.

The piece on Katey Sagal delves into her feelings on the death of 8 Simple Rules... co-star John Ritter, but omits the question I most want answered: how devastated was she when she heard that Futurama was cancelled? (Leela, we hardly knew ye...)

Tim Carvell attends eleven Wayne Newton shows in Las Vegas and reveals all. He wants to hate the shallowness and manipulation of Newton's act, but finds that he can't; the greasy Vegas glamor Newton casts over him has him enscorcled. Quick, someone toss Carvell the Light of Earendil! (By the way, about thirty-five years ago I had a 45 RPM single of some Wayne Newton song and discovered if I played it at 33 1/3 RPM he sounded just like Elvis.)

The Listen 2 This supplement starts with EW getting Death Cab for Cutie sloshed on $100 of booze and simultaneously interviewing them. (I smell Pulitzer!) Michael Stipe waxes laconic about R.E.M.'s past, present and future. Triumph the Comic Insult Dog is profiled as though that wad of latex were a real person, but I pooped on the story and lit a cigar instead. Nelly Furtado is also profiled, and the author (Neil Drumming [yeah, like that's a real name]) seems obsessed by the fact that she can not only sing but give birth (hey, Neil, women have been giving birth for years, now...I'll bet even your mother did). A short piece on Screamo left me indifferent, and Moby's list of twelve CDs that I should have shows me that Moby and I would have nothing to talk about if we met for coffee.

In Rebecca Ascher-Walsh's interview with Ron Howard, he reflects on his previous directorial efforts. Hmm...Howard's film right after How the Grinch Stole Christmas was A Beautiful Mind: yeah, I can see how that could happen.

Only one thing on this week's Must List is on my Must List.

In the week's Movie reviews, Lisa likes Master and Commander, Owen likes 21 Grams, and Scott hates Looney Tunes: Back in Action. We also learn that Owen has never seen Stagecoach: when he dies, the Duke is gonna have to have a word with him.

Moving on to DVDs & Video, Scott Brown likes the extended DVD of The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, but, inexplicably, calls it a "foggy war story". Scott, a little Windex on your plasma screen display will clear that right up.

Ken Tucker kicks off the Television section with kudos for Frasier, which he feels has found its mojo again, and Dalton Ross praises the latest Survivor. Personally, I find I'm watching much less television these days.

David Browne's Music review of The Beatles' re-mix-mastered Let it Be...Naked calls the audio tinkering "semisuccessful". My spelling checker would have been happier if he'd called it "semi-successful". Missing hyphens aside, he finds it more semi-successful than Britney's new album, though. Gosh, what a surprise.

The biggest news in the Books section is in a little box at the bottom of the first page, where we learn that Thomas Pynchon will guest star on the January 25, 2004, episode of The Simpsons. Please, sirs, I'd like to hear some more about that.

As usual, I skip the Stage section, because I just can't be bothered to go all the way to New York to see if the reviewers are on crack or not....

And, finally, Heidi Klum answers some Stupid Questions. I have a stupid question for Heidi, too, but I guess I can figure out the answer.