evil (and other broodings)
(email to a
friend)
Haven't heard from you in a while, so thought I'd send another loooong email to make the task of replying even more intimidating. ;) (Sorta like my brother's resistance to washing dishes when we lived together — because it was always an all-or-none deal for him. The worse it got, the more we needed dishes washed, and the less he was willing to do it — since he could never make "just a dent")
Well..... OK. Truth is, I had some bad dreams over the weekend. And I feel like I've sorta been avoiding any real reckoning with them (do you think watching 24 episodes of Sex and the City in two days might be part of that??). Tried starting to write about it all in my journal, but that didn't work too well either.
And the real thing is, these dreams brought me face-to-face with evil in a way I rarely have to. I mean — literally, I woke up from the first one praying, "Come Lord Jesus" — and I never pray that (mostly because I've had this longstanding, silly fear of dying a virgin). I don't know how to describe it, really, but there was just this very real, palpable sense of evil — in a very serious way. I remember praying about the world at large in a way that I don't very often....
Haven't heard from you in a while, so thought I'd send another loooong email to make the task of replying even more intimidating. ;) (Sorta like my brother's resistance to washing dishes when we lived together — because it was always an all-or-none deal for him. The worse it got, the more we needed dishes washed, and the less he was willing to do it — since he could never make "just a dent")
Well..... OK. Truth is, I had some bad dreams over the weekend. And I feel like I've sorta been avoiding any real reckoning with them (do you think watching 24 episodes of Sex and the City in two days might be part of that??). Tried starting to write about it all in my journal, but that didn't work too well either.
And the real thing is, these dreams brought me face-to-face with evil in a way I rarely have to. I mean — literally, I woke up from the first one praying, "Come Lord Jesus" — and I never pray that (mostly because I've had this longstanding, silly fear of dying a virgin). I don't know how to describe it, really, but there was just this very real, palpable sense of evil — in a very serious way. I remember praying about the world at large in a way that I don't very often....
I just don't know how to put words around
it. It was like a veil had been pulled back temporarily or something, and I had
this brief, frightening inside into the world — a passing glimpse of
forces really at work beneath it all. And it was really scary (although I didn't
exactly feel afraid the way one would expect to...). I mean, literally, I woke
up a little before 6 a.m. from the first dream
(wayyyyy
early, compared to my "regular" sleep schedule these days), and had to go out
and check the internet to make sure all was still well with the world —
that India and Pakistan hadn't gone to war (yet) or anything. And then I went
back to bed despite my misgivings and tried to sleep again. Again another
dream.
I went to church later that morning, and talked a little to one woman about it, but I feel like there's something more I should do. I know this dream was about spiritual things — absolutely. And I had a dream like that at Berkeley, too — only more vivid and more terrifying. With that dream, it hung over me for a day or so initially, but I never really did anything about it. And I've always felt like that was a mistake.... like I needed to process it more. So here's another dream — two, actually ...... and the pattern seems in danger of repeating. But it's such a vague, intangible thing in some ways — you know?
Part of what may have caused it this time is that I had the dreams Sunday morning, and that night I took to the airport a friend who's in Israel for a 10-day trip. So I'm sure part of my anxieties about her were playing out... But there was also this general feeling about the nature of the world that was much more brooding and grim than usual — in fact, it took me back to the days of mid-September, when I started to seriously wonder what events the future had in store for me, and how long my life would really be. It was a picture of the world such as one gets in The Lord of the Rings, you know?
Well, I suppose a lot of this rambling has thus far made no more sense to you than it does to me. I guess the reason I chose to trouble you with all of this is my sense that evil is a big hang-up for you and God right now. Not that you're totally alienated from him or anything, but that that aspect of life is really hard for you to swallow. Anyway, I feel like it's been a little more easy for me to deal with that (which has probably come through in previous emails) because evil has been less real and less threatening to me than to you. But these dreams have brought to me a greater empathy, I think.
And the thing is, although I don't often meet people such that I immediately feel like they are under the power of an evil spiritual being, I think there is a level of evil that happens in the world, which cannot be explained merely in terms of the wickedness in men's souls. I think there are larger forces at work that seek to manipulate and exploit that in a calculating fashion.
Saturday night, my friend Dennis and I were talking about this, sort of, and he confided his view that Hitler was not absolutely evil, and that there is thus less distance between him and ourselves than we would like to think (this probably contributed to my dreams as well, actually....). But although I didn't say it, I was thinking: selfishness is the thing we share with him. My pastor sort of touched on this Sunday, too, because he was talking about the law (i.e., God's — such as the 10 commandments and it's exacting reformulation by Jesus in Matthew).
The thing is, all of us would like to go on living our lives selfishly — according to what we think is right, and what suits us best. Most of the time, we like to think that this can be possible without really hurting other people very much; that such a system really doesn't have very-negative consequences attached to it. But that is such a delusion. Once it becomes possible for men's selfishness to reign unabated; once that is the accepted standard for living (even if the PR puts a better spin on things — such as self-determination), there is no completely civil society. It's not possible. In fact, that society will be in many ways uncivil; it will be a society increasingly characterized by evil.
Ironically, this is what brings me back to God, and the conviction that he is actually good. Selfishness is the principle underlying every act of evil — and a good many things that pass as far less offensive than evil. There is always in violence done to some other person — physical or not — the idea that that person's life/happiness/well-being is less important than that of the perpetrator. And such an attitude characterizes even the way we drive our cars in traffic, a lot of the time.
Any solution that tries to contain evil while still allowing for the perpetuation of some selfishness will never completely eradicate the situation — the seed of evil is still being allowed to flourish and reproduce itself. So..... the only solution is a system that seeks to completely reverse this by aspiring to do away with selfishness altogether. And I don't see any source for such a thing — which would have to be fundamentally self-giving at its core — other than God himself. That's the message at the heart of the Bible: that reconciliation with God brings about a gradual transformation of the person, whereby he or she becomes slowly more and more other-oriented and less selfish. Indeed, my pastor and I were talking about this and sex, right? And that's why people need other people — that's why Adam could not be alone. What he needed was to be in a relationship characterized by mutual, self-giving love — and he could neither experience that on his own nor in a relationship with other animals; he had to be in relationship with other human beings.
The more I think about the world, and how terrifying it can be sometimes, the more I am convinced my friend was right about relationships: seeking to be in relationships where one can learn and grow in showing this kind of love is the only real solution. Only the expression of that love can truly change people's lives, because that kind of love in its truest, purest form is what God is; when people are able to actually show this to others, God is working through them; that other person actually encounters God. And he is the only one who can truly change men's hearts and slowly begin reversing the process of selfishness in their lives.
The other side of the coin is, that's a kind of love I am soo hungry to experience for myself. To give — but also to experience. Because that kind of love is totally safe; it's not based on what you do or any merits that you bring to the table, so you can't screw it up. Of course, that's also the very hard thing, because we as people really, really buy into this whole merit-based thing: it's why the early-bird vinedressers were so pissed off in the parable Jesus told about the equal-pay vineyard owner. (We want to be loved this way, but selfishly, we don't want other people to be able to enjoy the same kind of love.) And so ...... as much as I often find myself disappointed with the supposed "Christians" in the world, they are the only people who have been able to show me this kind of love. Not all of them do, but I am so grateful to God for those relationships where people are committed to communicating well, and are not too proud to apologize and admit when they've been wrong. Those kind of relationships are tremendously difficult sometimes — because you find yourself far more naked much of the time than is comfortable — but they're also tremendously rewarding.
Now at this point, I feel like I have to address the question of other religions in some way. I'm not going to go so far as to say, no Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist has a relationship with God (because those are all ultimately labels men have made up to describe themselves — and "Christian" is just as much a label as the others) ..... but I do not find that these systems generally describe or encourage truly self-giving love. Part of the problem is that I am not convinced a lot of these traditions emphasize "piety" that is rooted in a state of the heart — they seem to emphasis good works period. But unless these are rooted in a particular attitude or desire of the heart (i.e., a desire to forgive someone, even if I'm still working on it), I think the works are completely false. Furthermore, the motivation for good is often very selfish — very focused on improving one's own relationship with God. But because the Bible teaches that our relationship with God is not determined by or dependent on what we do, true acts of generosity and kindness to others cannot really be motivated by a desire for self-gain; they have to be other-oriented. By contrast, all acts of piety in Buddhism (as far as I can tell from the classes I've taken and other exposure to it) ultimately come back to one's own spiritual destiny, and the path of pursuing nirvana. Thus they are still, at root, selfish.
Unfortunately, a lot of Christianity in practice has fallen into the same trap as well. I see a lot of people whose hearts are so disconnected from what they do that it's all about empty, selfish piety. There is a lot in the tradition and churches today that grieve me..... I can understand why Jesus would say that many will someday cry, "Lord, Lord!" and he will say to them, "Be gone from me; I never knew you" (or something like that).
Self-giving love feels very naked. It feels like leaving your backside open; like spending all of yourself giving to others without worrying what comes back — to the point where no one is concerned with providing for you. But I don't think that's how it truly is. God is concerned with providing for us, and I believe he truly will and does. Secondly, giving indiscriminately to people is not always an act of true love toward them. Sometimes it only abets existing bad habits. Note that Jesus was sometimes very reluctant to help or heal people in the ways they wanted because it would not have truly helped them, or they were not willing to offer the help he provided.
So..... I feel like I need to take this sense of evil I have had seriously, even though much of the punch has gone out of it. And being aware — even fleetingly — of such a thing is very scary. But as I was preparing to take my friend to the airport and say goodbye to her, I came back to these words:
"Let not your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way where I am going."
Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do no know where You are going, how do we know the way?"
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me."
I went to church later that morning, and talked a little to one woman about it, but I feel like there's something more I should do. I know this dream was about spiritual things — absolutely. And I had a dream like that at Berkeley, too — only more vivid and more terrifying. With that dream, it hung over me for a day or so initially, but I never really did anything about it. And I've always felt like that was a mistake.... like I needed to process it more. So here's another dream — two, actually ...... and the pattern seems in danger of repeating. But it's such a vague, intangible thing in some ways — you know?
Part of what may have caused it this time is that I had the dreams Sunday morning, and that night I took to the airport a friend who's in Israel for a 10-day trip. So I'm sure part of my anxieties about her were playing out... But there was also this general feeling about the nature of the world that was much more brooding and grim than usual — in fact, it took me back to the days of mid-September, when I started to seriously wonder what events the future had in store for me, and how long my life would really be. It was a picture of the world such as one gets in The Lord of the Rings, you know?
Well, I suppose a lot of this rambling has thus far made no more sense to you than it does to me. I guess the reason I chose to trouble you with all of this is my sense that evil is a big hang-up for you and God right now. Not that you're totally alienated from him or anything, but that that aspect of life is really hard for you to swallow. Anyway, I feel like it's been a little more easy for me to deal with that (which has probably come through in previous emails) because evil has been less real and less threatening to me than to you. But these dreams have brought to me a greater empathy, I think.
And the thing is, although I don't often meet people such that I immediately feel like they are under the power of an evil spiritual being, I think there is a level of evil that happens in the world, which cannot be explained merely in terms of the wickedness in men's souls. I think there are larger forces at work that seek to manipulate and exploit that in a calculating fashion.
Saturday night, my friend Dennis and I were talking about this, sort of, and he confided his view that Hitler was not absolutely evil, and that there is thus less distance between him and ourselves than we would like to think (this probably contributed to my dreams as well, actually....). But although I didn't say it, I was thinking: selfishness is the thing we share with him. My pastor sort of touched on this Sunday, too, because he was talking about the law (i.e., God's — such as the 10 commandments and it's exacting reformulation by Jesus in Matthew).
The thing is, all of us would like to go on living our lives selfishly — according to what we think is right, and what suits us best. Most of the time, we like to think that this can be possible without really hurting other people very much; that such a system really doesn't have very-negative consequences attached to it. But that is such a delusion. Once it becomes possible for men's selfishness to reign unabated; once that is the accepted standard for living (even if the PR puts a better spin on things — such as self-determination), there is no completely civil society. It's not possible. In fact, that society will be in many ways uncivil; it will be a society increasingly characterized by evil.
Ironically, this is what brings me back to God, and the conviction that he is actually good. Selfishness is the principle underlying every act of evil — and a good many things that pass as far less offensive than evil. There is always in violence done to some other person — physical or not — the idea that that person's life/happiness/well-being is less important than that of the perpetrator. And such an attitude characterizes even the way we drive our cars in traffic, a lot of the time.
Any solution that tries to contain evil while still allowing for the perpetuation of some selfishness will never completely eradicate the situation — the seed of evil is still being allowed to flourish and reproduce itself. So..... the only solution is a system that seeks to completely reverse this by aspiring to do away with selfishness altogether. And I don't see any source for such a thing — which would have to be fundamentally self-giving at its core — other than God himself. That's the message at the heart of the Bible: that reconciliation with God brings about a gradual transformation of the person, whereby he or she becomes slowly more and more other-oriented and less selfish. Indeed, my pastor and I were talking about this and sex, right? And that's why people need other people — that's why Adam could not be alone. What he needed was to be in a relationship characterized by mutual, self-giving love — and he could neither experience that on his own nor in a relationship with other animals; he had to be in relationship with other human beings.
The more I think about the world, and how terrifying it can be sometimes, the more I am convinced my friend was right about relationships: seeking to be in relationships where one can learn and grow in showing this kind of love is the only real solution. Only the expression of that love can truly change people's lives, because that kind of love in its truest, purest form is what God is; when people are able to actually show this to others, God is working through them; that other person actually encounters God. And he is the only one who can truly change men's hearts and slowly begin reversing the process of selfishness in their lives.
The other side of the coin is, that's a kind of love I am soo hungry to experience for myself. To give — but also to experience. Because that kind of love is totally safe; it's not based on what you do or any merits that you bring to the table, so you can't screw it up. Of course, that's also the very hard thing, because we as people really, really buy into this whole merit-based thing: it's why the early-bird vinedressers were so pissed off in the parable Jesus told about the equal-pay vineyard owner. (We want to be loved this way, but selfishly, we don't want other people to be able to enjoy the same kind of love.) And so ...... as much as I often find myself disappointed with the supposed "Christians" in the world, they are the only people who have been able to show me this kind of love. Not all of them do, but I am so grateful to God for those relationships where people are committed to communicating well, and are not too proud to apologize and admit when they've been wrong. Those kind of relationships are tremendously difficult sometimes — because you find yourself far more naked much of the time than is comfortable — but they're also tremendously rewarding.
Now at this point, I feel like I have to address the question of other religions in some way. I'm not going to go so far as to say, no Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist has a relationship with God (because those are all ultimately labels men have made up to describe themselves — and "Christian" is just as much a label as the others) ..... but I do not find that these systems generally describe or encourage truly self-giving love. Part of the problem is that I am not convinced a lot of these traditions emphasize "piety" that is rooted in a state of the heart — they seem to emphasis good works period. But unless these are rooted in a particular attitude or desire of the heart (i.e., a desire to forgive someone, even if I'm still working on it), I think the works are completely false. Furthermore, the motivation for good is often very selfish — very focused on improving one's own relationship with God. But because the Bible teaches that our relationship with God is not determined by or dependent on what we do, true acts of generosity and kindness to others cannot really be motivated by a desire for self-gain; they have to be other-oriented. By contrast, all acts of piety in Buddhism (as far as I can tell from the classes I've taken and other exposure to it) ultimately come back to one's own spiritual destiny, and the path of pursuing nirvana. Thus they are still, at root, selfish.
Unfortunately, a lot of Christianity in practice has fallen into the same trap as well. I see a lot of people whose hearts are so disconnected from what they do that it's all about empty, selfish piety. There is a lot in the tradition and churches today that grieve me..... I can understand why Jesus would say that many will someday cry, "Lord, Lord!" and he will say to them, "Be gone from me; I never knew you" (or something like that).
Self-giving love feels very naked. It feels like leaving your backside open; like spending all of yourself giving to others without worrying what comes back — to the point where no one is concerned with providing for you. But I don't think that's how it truly is. God is concerned with providing for us, and I believe he truly will and does. Secondly, giving indiscriminately to people is not always an act of true love toward them. Sometimes it only abets existing bad habits. Note that Jesus was sometimes very reluctant to help or heal people in the ways they wanted because it would not have truly helped them, or they were not willing to offer the help he provided.
So..... I feel like I need to take this sense of evil I have had seriously, even though much of the punch has gone out of it. And being aware — even fleetingly — of such a thing is very scary. But as I was preparing to take my friend to the airport and say goodbye to her, I came back to these words:
"Let not your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way where I am going."
Thomas said to Him, "Lord, we do no know where You are going, how do we know the way?"
Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me."
John 14: 1-6
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us. If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar, for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.
I John 4:18-21
Well, brotha ;) this has been a long ramble -- as warned. Dunno where it finds you, but thanks for letting me get summa this stuff off my heart... I hope this finds you well, however.
peace,
christi
posted @ 02:03 PM on Tue - May 28, 2002 remark! Email | as quoted:
before I said ... but more recently:
Current Quote, uh ...
“Sometimes trying to start writing is like feeling all over a wall for the secret place that, when touched right, will open the door.”
— journal entry, Sept. 12, 2002
— journal entry, Sept. 12, 2002
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Christi A. Foist is a writer, swing-dancer and knitter who also maintains the Ouroboros. Visit the Navel often for travel-writing, pictures and other observations on life as seen through (l)-4/(r)-2.25 vision.
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