a pilgrim in NY, pt. 3


Pt. 3 of a 3-part series. (Read Pts. 1 and 2 here)

Sorry for not yet providing a report on “today’s” convention experience. All I can say is wow. Since I got home after 2:30 a.m., a detailed report will have to come later. Major personal news of the day is that Friday I have an interview for an internet consultant position with a marketing/communication firm I applied to. Very excited to see how that goes and what it leads to.

THANK YOU to those of you who’ve sent such kind emails in response to pts. 1 and 2. Tomorrow I’m fairly occupied with convention-related stuff, but if I don’t end up getting guest credentials for tomorrow night, maybe I can report on what I saw (and personally respond to your emails).

Meanwhile ... the conclusion of my 3-part saga.

As I look to the months ahead, I don’t know what to expect about these desires in my heart. But two recent conversations give me hope God may be bringing me into another season like my days of pub evangelism at Rula Bula. Last Sunday I went to a liberal friend’s end-of-summer party where I chatted up a mid-30s writer who described himself as a “very liberal,” if previously non-voting Democrat (he plans to this year). More than an hour into the conversation, he asked about the books that influence me. For some reason I said, “Well, actually I’ve read the Bible through at least three times completely, and that narrative has probably influenced my life more than any other.” I’m still quite honestly shocked at my candor in this; along with boldly declaring my political commitments among enemies came … boldness about God (!!). The guy was raised Southern Baptist, so knew something of Jesus and the teachings of the Bible. But while he thought Jesus’ teachings (such as “love your enemy”) have really “taken us to another level,” the resurrection was dismissed as an unnecessarily mythic detail in the narrative. What did I think of this?

I have to admit I hadn’t given such a question much thought before. Proofs for the resurrection seem more the purview of such modernist apologetics as I don’t really concern myself with. But I tried an answer anyway. “Well,” I said, “when you think about what ‘loving your enemies’ really entails, it proves pretty radical. In fact, I don’t think any of us are ultimately able to do it. If you look only at what Jesus said, the unreachably high standard becomes pretty depressing. You realize you can never attain it. But if Jesus was really man and God, which his resurrection would prove, that means he has the power to overcome death, and therefore the power to help us actually approach that standard which we could not reach on our own.” (Such was the gist of my answer.)

The guy wasn’t satisfied, so he pressed further. But what about my *life*, he wanted to know. What was more important to me — the teachings or the resurrection? I paused. For most of my life the resurrection has been more of an abstract detail in a story I accept than a life-changing reality — and I admitted as much to him. However, there was a moment last summer when the reality of the resurrection broke through in a powerful way. I started to talk about the WTC memorial-site design proposal two friends and I worked on.

One thing we really wrestled with was the geometry of the site. For a while it made no sense and everything seemed arbitrary. Arbitrary, that is, until we “figured out” a key axis obviously used by the original architects to organize the space. From then on our task became much easier. The next problem we faced, however, was where to put the remains, for which we had to allow 250 sq. ft. At first we were tempted to designate a 50x50’ plot — perhaps in one of the corners. But as we mulled this over, I began to argue that actually the remains were the most important part of the memorial; we had to tackle that “problem” head on. We started thinking about burying the remains in a long line, rather than a square. Such a gravestone fit nicely with the axis we had “discovered.” We began calling it the “line of death.” But this created a problem, because a gravestone that long — if continuous — would impede circulation through the site. Should the line of death be continuous and unbroken? we wondered.

And then the concept suddenly took on cosmic, historical ramification. “No. The line of death is not continuous.” My voice broke as the realization hit me and brainstorming suddenly became a tearful act of worship. “The line of death was broken … because some gave their lives so that others could live.” And so, I explained to my friend, in that planning session last summer the resurrection suddenly broke through as a reality far more vivid, poignant and relevant than I had ever experienced.

“Ultimately,” I concluded, “life is about hope. You don’t get up in the morning because of a set of good principles. You get up because of hope. Death is the one reality of which we are *all* certain. But the resurrection offers the hope that even that can be someday overcome. And so the resurrection, ultimately, informs all those good statements. Without it, all of that means nothing.”

Of course, since then I’ve had a series of unextraordinary chats, and another date with a man who wouldn’t understand the passion in the foregoing paragraphs. But in recent weeks I feel God stirring in my life, drawing me onward to a deeper walk with Him and the courage to let Him use more of my life as He delights. It’s still hard to voluntarily choose celibacy (this seems the inevitable consequence of choosing not to date outside the church). Forced to choose between the attention readily given by all the men who hate God and … none from the men who claim to love Him, I regularly quail, choosing self. But if I don’t trust God when it’s hardest, how exactly am I trusting Him at all? Besides, God has also given brief glimpses of a character in others that suggests perhaps the hard-core servants are not as rare — or as lame and boring — as I would’ve thought. What He wants me to see, I suspect, is that it’s not even about such men, but Him, and what He created me to do on this earth to bring Him glory.

Expect many more fits and starts along the way, but that’s where this pilgrim presently falters as she tries to hold her stand.

posted @ 03:23 AM on Tue - August 31, 2004 remark! Email |  as quoted:
before I said ...  but more recently: 

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