nyj59: out of limbo


Sometimes answers come sooner than you want them to. Even if they're what your gut's been secretly whispering for days: "This isn't really the job for you." But still the hope held out. It seemed things could work so well, on the one last remaining San Francisco job. At least as far as move expenses were concerned.

But all that, it seems, is just another silly red herring I'd grasped. What God wants me to grasp for now, I guess, is something much more tenuous: a calling to be more actively involved in spreading His kingdom on earth. Which leaves me to slog through an awful bitter winter, trying to receive gratefully — as I've been praying — a provision that's still very full of mystery.

I don't seem to like New York much any more. And that lazy, let's-just-sleep-in-5-more-minutes-shall-we? part of me that earned the nickname "Last-minute Lucy" in high school ... would very much like resolution quickly achieved, especially since such timing is often full of drama and excitement. (Those being two things I secretly crave in regular doses.)

God, however, seems to be on this crazy "character" kick. My inner martyr fancies this must be a taste of what Jacob felt after waking up to Leah. "Oh, you thought your wait was finally up?!! Psych!"

'It never rains when you want it to ...'
I guess I'm not so much out of limbo, on second thought. Just onto the bigger limbo: do I leave New York in the spring? Has God released me to leave here at all? I should have known I couldn't get out of those questions so easily — or that God would be known most deeply through quick answers, sudden change. He is, after all, the great Excitement, the Ultimate for which my soul longs, if only it would realize that. It's just that drinking that in deeply takes a lifetime of retraining my desires and asking God to scrub the dirt from eyes. Such mud, you see, makes me often think that this or that heap of dirty snow will make me happy. Only when my eyes are clear will I truly recognize the Beauty that remains when spring finally melts the snow away for good.

I've known a while now that I keep avoiding the biggest questions. The ones that would most require me to keep on seeking Him tearfully — with the questions I barely know how to even ask, but that need to be answered. I've known, too — though I didn't like admitting it — that God's given me the strength to make it through this: to handle more uncertainty, more months of temp assignments and no insurance, more days of bitter winter.

So I'm here till sometime in May at least. The drama unfolds more gradually than I'd hoped. Even Norah (on my stereo) has got it figured out: "You humble me, Lord." Patience is, after all, a virtue — as well, the one I've probably lacked the most. And as Paul says in Roman 5, patience (sometimes translated "perseverance") leads to "proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

posted @ 04:47 PM on Thu - January 27, 2005 remark! Email |  as quoted:
before I said ...  but more recently: 

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