the Berkeley back story, pt. 2


Continued from the email I sent a friend. Original summer-of-Berkeley write-up in three parts: 1, 2, 3.

As the summer slowly unraveled, things became increasingly confused and difficult. To this day, it’s still an extraordinary puzzle I’ve never quite figured out. There’s even a lot of the summer I just don’t remember — what happened, how I spent my time, what we talked about ... I think I was in a real hibernation mode, emotionally, so overwhelmed and confused that most of my normal, self-analytical processes just shut down completely.

At this point you’re probably confused, right? :) What in the scant details above could possibly explain this utter confusion?

Well, there were several factors.

1. Unreasonable expectations.
2. Girl-to-guy ratio

[I originally listed more, but never got around to fleshing them out.]

Expectations
We had gone to Berkeley thinking we were going to do “research.” For those of us late in our college careers (one of my friends from ASU was a soon-to-be senior religious-studies major like me), the prospect of research seemed exciting. The general idea of the project, as it had been told us, and we had inevitably told all the friends, family and supporters who wanted some kind of answer about what we’d be doing, was this. Go to Berkeley, pick a social subculture, get to know the people of this group, and at the end of the summer write a paper describing their worldview and the best way one might tell them about Jesus. Mostly this amounted to very crude anthropology with a smidge of salesmanship thrown in — although most of us strongly questioned, throughout the summer, just what one’s motives for telling a stranger about Jesus should be, and how such a conversation could/should be carried out.

The problem with this very-vague and extremely ambitious goal was, we had 8 weeks in Berkeley, at least two of which were devoted to finding jobs and writing the final paper (leaving 6 weeks). I dare say, even a full-time anthropologist, well trained in such work, would be doing well to have at least identified significant social groups and sub-cultures by the end of 6 weeks, let alone have befriended them enough to write a paper describing their worldview! But we didn’t realize this. Our project staff leader (aka Crusade guy, not a student) was a visionary with no formal training in research, and little appreciation for practical difficulties. This project had also never been attempted with non-Berkeley students, so we were a kind of research project ourselves.

So we had ignorance, grandiose expectations whose unfeasability we were too naive to recognize, and the challenge of competing goals. We were all supposed to get jobs of about 30 hours a weeks, ideally positioned so as to support our “field work.” However, most people came to the project with pre-conceived notions about the subgroups they would find (which were of course, therefore, inaccurate), and ended up getting the first jobs they found. In almost all cases, these did nothing to further contact with our “sub-group.”

Then, we were pretty intensely scheduled (although I understand that, compared to other Crusade projects, this one was pretty unstructured). Monday night, I think it was, we were supposed to have some kind of group training session or Bible study. Tuesday night (but I’m a little sketchy on the details) we met in smaller same-sex group Bible studies (usually about 4 people). Wednesday night was our “date with God” night, designated for individual contemplation, Bible study, etc. — however we felt so lead. Thursday night we had another meeting which I think was also group-oriented, but different than the Monday thing; I think maybe this was more philosophical and less explicitly Bible-oriented. Friday night we had a group social even that was supposed to be outreach-oriented to the community (like a coffee house or something). Saturday morning we did a structured outreach, which often involved going out in pairs and road-testing a particular “evangelism” tool. Unfortunately for consistency, this changed almost every week. Sunday morning it was assumed we went to church, leaving Sunday afternoon and evening completely unplanned and open to spend however we want.


As you can see, our time was incredibly structured. For a group of people already inclined to question many things — especially authority — this did not go over well, I think. At least it was difficult for me. I don’t remember actually asking, “Why am I doing this?” But it was extremely frustrating, given my independent personality, to be so boxed in. Deep inside, I think it was really putting pressure on my already-brittle Christianity, since that and my drying-up relationship with God were supposedly the reason I had put myself in this situation and was submitting to all this!

I didn’t even have much choice in those with whom I socialized — seeing the same 17 people (plus 4 staff, the first part of the summer) day in and day out, with little opportunity to naturally and spontaneously make friends. I got a job in accounting-related work that was a bit north (in Richmond/Richland??) and afforded me no contact with age peers. That was OK, but the accountant I worked with there was extremely bitter and frustrated about one of her superiors. Somehow I became the person to whom she spewed a lot of this bitterness and resentment, which was difficult. So work was a weird, draining experience, and did nothing to further my research (supposedly I was focusing on the swing-dancing scene) or alleviate my loneliness.

Much later I realized how much I shopped that summer. I think the leisurely walk from the BART station up toward campus and my house was the only time of unconstrained solitude I really got. So I spent it wandering in and out of shops, buying almost a pair of shoes a week, and finding ways to numb myself to the confusion within.

Other things happened that summer. I turned 21 in the middle of July, and ran a quarter-marathon as part of a relay team — with almost no training. This turned out OK and I had fun — especially when later that night a group of older students quietly took me out for a couple drinks. Later however, a very opinionated younger student completely laid into me for — I don’t know, at least 20 minutes — about how disgraceful this was for me, what a poor witness, how shameful, etc., etc. I think that was very difficult emotionally. I don’t handle such verbal confrontations very well, and rarely do a good job of defending myself. I don’t usually break down or anything, but the anger and ability to recognize injustice or faulty logic usually comes much later. But I never had a chance to go back to her and say, “You know, I think this was unfair, and I object to some things you said.” So I just took it.

I also had the worst, most-vivid nightmare of my life that summer ... but I won’t go into it here (feel free to ask later ;)).

Guy-to-girl ratio
There were 12 women on the project, and 6 men, 3 of whom were in relationships. I think two of the remaining single guys were freshman and pretty immature. The implication of this was that almost no one was left for us girls to talk to when we needed a break from each other, and the calming influence of a male perspective to help us chill out for overstepped territory or other issues with women.

One of the staff women also had some serious emotional and maybe even mental issues that really made it difficult to look up to her as a leader. The other staff woman was really cool, but I got little chance to hang with her or chat over the summer. My Bible study was “taught” by another student, who happened to be my age. That was also difficult, because it prevented me from having a significantly more-mature perspective on the things I was struggling with. There was nothing wrong with the girl leading it, but she didn’t really have much more insight to offer than we had to begin with.

posted @ 10:45 PM on Mon - August 16, 2004 remark! Email |  as quoted:
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