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Ten Simple Rules for Dating
Blackfive's
Daughter
RULE
ONE:
If you pull
into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package because
you’re sure as hell not picking anything up. And when you do make it to
the door, you had better not be on your cell phone. Respect me and my family and
you'll live through the
night.
RULE
TWO:
You do not
touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter’s body, I will remove them...with my Randall Knife...that I keep
rusty and dull for just such an
occasion.
RULE
THREE:
I am aware
that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so
loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take
this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I
want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes
too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will
take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.
RULE
FOUR:
When you are
talking with your friends and acting cool, don't malign my daughter's
reputation. I'll know if you do. And, when you're b.s.-ing around with them and
you think that you might have seen me behind that tree, you probably
did.
RULE
FIVE:
In order for
us to get to know each other, you might think that we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is
“early”.
RULE SIX:
I have
no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.
This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry...a
lot.
RULE
SEVEN:
As you
stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour has gone by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for a movie
you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there why don’t’ you do something useful, like change the oil in my
car?
RULE
EIGHT:
The
following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where
there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool
Places where there
are no parent’s, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there
is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness.
Places where the
ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank
tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose
down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature
chainsaws are ok.
Old folk homes are
better.
RULE
NINE:
Do not lie
to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been but on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowoing, merciless god of your
universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to
tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun,
a shovel, and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with
me.
RULE TEN:
Be afraid. Be very
afraid. I have a hearing loss and it takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for an Iraqi Republican Guard (Soviet) T-72
tank. When my stress level gets too high, the voices in my head frequently tell
me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you
pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then turn and run back to your car. There is no
need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face that you see in the window is
mine...
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