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Here are some conversations that airline
passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual
exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the
world.
Tower: "Delta 351, you
have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45
Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000
feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the
noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"
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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last
aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Another aircraft: "He said he was f...ing
bored. He didn't say he was f...ing
stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
Fokker in
sight."
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to
locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was
number one for
takeoff."
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower
Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you
are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a
right at the lights and return to the
airport."
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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit rough." Air Traffic
Control told the fighter jock that he
was
number two, behind a B-52 that had one
engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter
pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine
approach."
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Taxiing
down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the
gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger
asked the flight attendant,
"What, exactly,
was the problem?"
"The pilot was
bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant.
"It took us a while to find a new
pilot."
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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance
time?"
Ground (in English): "If you
want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I
am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"
Unknown voice from another
plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody
war."
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern
702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on
the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635,
cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"
Continental 635: "Continental
635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already
notified our caterers."
(ed:
which may explain why Eastern Airlines is a mote on the dust heap of
history)
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around,
and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8
crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all
by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not
about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another
one."
(ed:
Heh.)
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird
206:
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt,
Speedbird 206 clear of active
runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi
to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know
where you are going?"
Speedbird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant
impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes,
twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I didn't
land."
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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I now
it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the
embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and
don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive
(ed: step by
step) taxi instructions in about half an hour
and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes,
ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the
irate ground controller in her
current state
of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke
the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?
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