Fundamentals, Walden and dead fish
These last few months I've been thinking about
society - rather, societies -- and specifically, American society (though I
haven't excluded other countries or, for that matter, American regional
communities.) The crux of my debate has been whether or not to reject it (or
them) completely. Or, to somehow strike a compromise.. somehow. (Quick
digression: I have admittedly been enamoured of the idea of living in a rural
community, precisely because it places a much greater emphasis on the
contribution of the individual; that it makes the individual an essential piece
of the framework of a place; that it somehow frees people to become and discover
their true selves (though I understand the limitations, ie in rural communities,
there is often great slowness to accept change, both on a larger social scale
and on a collective-judgement-of-individual level (even this has caveats,
depending on the community) And also, it depends on how you want to define the
individual, something I've been grappling with too -- in this context, and,
sadly, most all contexts, it seems to be the notion that one's life is for the
most part historically judged in the context of other people's opinions) Though,
getting back to the urban-rural bit, it's humourous to me, this dichotomy -- it
further reinforces the subjectivity of truth, and the need for individual
existentialism, in a Buddhist sort of way -- that the city, like the country,
can set the individual free. (Which means what about the suburbs -- that they
are the vast wasteland of sheep stuck in
limbo?)
Anyway, I believe this afternoon
that I reached the conclusion to opt-in -- albeit with reservations. And I'm
trying to figure out how to build in an escape clause
(Kate, it's called "I quit"
-ed.) so that I know that I will never be stuck.
There is nothing more I hate than having to rationalize my stuckness. I've done
it way too often (thank you HKIS Discp. Com for the trap door) Anyway. The
reason for all this deliberation has largely been motivated by a desire to, as
honest and as true as I can be to myself, make a major decision in the course of
my life. (I still have some concern -- hence all these reservations -- aww hell,
how much personal choice on a fundamental level is there really. There isn't a
goddamn lick. GET OVER IT ALREADY) But it's been a thought experiment that I've
conducted pretty seriously (ie. we are ignoring the fact that I've spent the
past few months attempting to become a homeowner in a very specific place, ie
Brooklyn, and to a large extent herein is where the questions that dare not ask
for names regarding individual choice come to bear) And I feel, despite my
flip-floppiness, that this decision to opt-in will ultimately prove to be
beneficial -- for the time being, at least. (I've made the choice to not cut out
the back-and-forth.. ok, well I cut out some of it.. to provide a sense of the
combat that occurs in my brain pretty much all day, around every idea. Tips of
icebergs, flashes of fins.)
{"Fill up
your obit column space, chillun," God bemusedly
thunders.}
Turning to the vast bleak
expanse of irony and vacuity that awaits me..
(oh shush, I thought you'd gotten over
your cynicism -ed.) No, seriously. It's the
1800's-westward expansion era, I'm 50 miles west of St. Louis, and I'm alone in
a wagon full of supplies, and facing a sunset. I made the decision to leave that
gateway, and apparently there is a new life full of riches ahead of me. But I'm
so bewildered by the concept of the empty horizon and, just looking at the
numbers, I have how many miles to go? that I'm struggling with even the reins,
though I knew how to use them before.
Right, so, point. Now I face an
even bigger question: Where do I fit in this society?
..
and
the tougher question to answer.. Shall I let the culture define my place? (I'm
obviously a bit loath of this idea.) Or is that too dead fish of
me?
Oh god, these questions, who am
I
RATIONALIZATIONS
ok,
i have to stop for now.
goodnight.
(redux) Ho, oxen!
Giiyaah.
(general aside note: always hit
read more. a lot of cut material ends up down there, though perhaps not tonight.
i always have to put something in that box, though, in order to
publish.)
Lord, I've been circling my wagons round this same
principle truth for a decade now. Shit don't change.
And you know, this blog used to be about
ideas and policy discussions and whatnot... Not a damn journal. Yikes,
Katherine, copy and paste.
Only dead fish go with the
flow.
Posted: Saturday - June 02, 2007 at 01:41 AM
|
