Stomach sneak attack!
Apparently, my stomach decided to punish me
for eating almonds last night (they can be difficult to digest). Unfortunately,
it hasn't let up yet, and it's twelve hours later. I've lost track how many
times I've had to camp out in the restroom, and I think I'm getting dehydrated.
I finally relented a half hour ago and took an Imodium...I didn't want to
because I think there's gluten in them, but I was
desperate.
The fibromyalgia of
course felt obligated to join the party, so I feel truly awful....weak, sore and
exhausted. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to work tonight....I just came
back last week after my surgery, and no one's going to believe I'm sick this
close to Christmas.
I'm going
to try to eat some applesauce (yuck) and see if that
helps.
Pain level:
8
Fatigue level:
9
Rave
of the day: All kinds of Christmas goodies, straight from Ducky's Daily Grin.
Enjoy!
A
Dog's Rules For
Christmas
1.
Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be
more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog
leans.
2. They may come
home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts
are yours.
3. Be tolerant
if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of
pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake
antlers.
4. They may
bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover
it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an
important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to
know:
- Don't pee
on the tree
-
Don't drink water in the container that holds the
tree
- Mind your
tail when you are near the
tree
- If there
are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your
name on them, don't rip them
open
- Don't chew
on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the
tree.
5.
Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this
season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion
on your part:
-
Not all strangers appreciate kisses and
leans
- Don't eat
off the buffet
table
- Beg for
goodies subtly
-
Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your
sofa
- Don't
drink out of glasses that are left within your
reach.
6. Likewise,
your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be
important:
-
Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a
is particularly
important)
-
Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the
house
- Tolerate
children
- Turn
on your charm big
time.
7. A big man
with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the
middle of the night. DON'T BITE
HIM!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A
Puppy's Twelve Days of
Christmas
by
Elise Lewis 1997
On the first day
of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper
from the Christmas
tree.
On the second
day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking
bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the third day
of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the fourth
day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken
window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the fifth day
of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up
stockings
Four
broken window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the sixth day
of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of
soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up
stockings
Four
broken window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the seventh
day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of
wrapping paper
Six yards of
soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up
stockings
Four
broken window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the eighth
day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny
reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of
wrapping paper
Six yards of
soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up
stockings
Four
broken window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the ninth day
of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in
nine pieces
Eight tiny
reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of
wrapping paper
Six yards of
soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up
stockings
Four
broken window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the tenth day
of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas
cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in
nine pieces
Eight tiny
reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of
wrapping paper
Six yards of
soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up
stockings
Four
broken window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the eleventh
day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped
presents
Ten
Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in
nine pieces
Eight tiny
reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of
wrapping paper
Six yards of
soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up
stockings
Four
broken window candles
Three punctured
ornaments
Two
leaking bubble lights
And the Santa
topper from the Christmas
tree.
On the twelfth
day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy
kisses
And I
forgot about the other eleven
days.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Southern
Wise Men
In
a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and
talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise
men were wearing firemen's
helmets.
Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of
town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the
helmets.
She exploded
into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her
Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed
her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right
here, 'The three wise man came from
afar.'"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
-----
MEMO -----
To:
Southern USA Residents
From: Santa
RE: Replacement
Santa
I regret to
inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the
Southern United States on Christmas
Eve.
Due to
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by
North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of
Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan.
As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep
that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family in from the South pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such
as:
1. There is no
danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on
his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith &
Wesson."
2. Instead of
milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave a RC Cola and pork
rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips
a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can
handy.
3. Bubba Claus'
sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made
the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head
now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You
won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus
arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and LaBonte.
On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and
Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!"
has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
reply, "I her'd
dat!"
6. As required
by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety
triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off!" The last I heard it also had
other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with
lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) peeing on the Tooth
Fairy.
7. The usual
Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful
Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you will see
"Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of State Patrol cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus
doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids
turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally,
lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph the Red-nosed
Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town". This year, songs
about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South.
These song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot the jukebox"; Cledus
T. Judd's, "All I want for Christmas is my Woman and a Six-pack", and Hank
Williams Jr's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove
It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa
Claus
(Member of
North American Fairies and Elves Local
209)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The
game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and about to answer
the final question - worth 500
points!
"To be today's
champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's
reindeer."
The contestant,
a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn
such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and,
...Olive!"
The studio
audience started to applaud (like the little sign above their heads said to do,)
but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,
"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain...
'Olive?!?'"
"You know," the
man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red
Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even
say it glowed. *Olive,* the other
reindeer..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Top
Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your
Kid
10.
Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on,
Chester!"
9.
Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of
smokes.
8.
Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and
handling.
7.
By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam
peanuts.
6.
Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his
bed.
5.
Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork
list.
4.
Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie
Lee.
3.
First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt
on you."
2.
Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from
Craptown."
1.
Four words: "Off my lap,
Tubby!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TWELVE
DAYS OF
KITTENS
On
the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for
me...
A batch of
my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet
sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked
her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell
into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three
sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline
ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print
Cookies.
On
the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied
me....
On a trip
to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal?
I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the
veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other
Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed
the 3' curly *tail* in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a
pair of
tweezers.
On
the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for
me...
13
ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the
decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the
bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know she was
actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus
tax.
On the
fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for
me...
A statue in
my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity
figurines:
$55.99
On
the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for
me...
The kid
across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely
wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw
to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's
blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although
the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this
way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you?
Think: Major
Windfall!
On
the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for
me...
The
presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some
early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's
stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent
aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of
Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of
bows Sara can't
unravel.
On
the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for
me...
The
earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since
Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does
make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus
tax.
On the
eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped
me...
Replace my
E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty
hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so.
And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way.
Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I came in. After
paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been
willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season,
except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing
home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings:
$12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79
cents.
On
the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for
me...
My
Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for
call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what
happened to the listings of B through
H.
On the
tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from
me.....
The
remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she
hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas
specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful Life." Rental of
"It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good owners, great cats":
$24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens
with
kleptomania.
On
the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for
me.....
The
drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I
knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your first turkey,
Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas
Dinner.
On
the 12th day of
Christmas........
Sara
rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
Posted: Tue - December
23, 2003 at 02:59 PM