Saturday - January 21, 2006Another one of life's little ironiesWhy is it that whenever there's a power cut, the
first thing you want to do is go and make a cup of tea?
:-)
Friday - December 16, 2005Mark Lawson: man or egg?Is it just me or do you just want to take a giant
teaspoon and crack it over Mark Lawson's shiny white bonce and dip your
soldiers in?*
In case you have have no idea who I'm talking
about, check out the following
picture:
 Yes, it's the unbearably irritating 'intellectual' who takes himself far too seriously and hosts Newsnight Review on Kirsty Wark's night off. Oh, and I think he writes a column for the Guardian from time to time. * ...and I don't even like eggs. Saturday - August 06, 2005Furniture with wheelsWhat is it with Ikea furniture and wheels? It
seems that you can't buy anything in that shop doesn't come with its own set of
castors. It rather reminds me of my childhood when I used to build things out of
Lego and, inevitably, ended up putting wheels on everything just because it was
possible, even when there was no earthly reason why it should require the
ability trundle around the floor on four little black tyres. (For example: a
tree with wheels. Well, why not?)
Come to think of it, Lego comes from Denmark
doesn't it? Maybe it's a Scandinavian thing… Or perhaps Ikea designers,
who also used to build things out of Lego when they were children, thought
“Wouldn't it be a great idea to put wheels on everything so that it can
trundle around the living room on four little back tyres?”. Well, why
not?
(Actually, I must confess, I rather like the idea of furniture on wheels, but my girlfriend hates it. Ah well, c'est la vie…) Tuesday - August 02, 2005Living in the house of the futureAnyone who knows me will attest that I am a fan
of good design, in whatever form it takes. I've recently moved into a new flat
and it's the first time I've had the opportunity to live in a completely modern
building. Apart from having all the mod-cons as standard (built-in
fridge/freezer, dishwasher, washer/drier, power-shower, to name but a few), the
house has some pretty nifty design features that I thought were worth commenting
on, and so I did. This first thing I noticed was how warm it is.
Despite having the heating off and the windows open most of the time, the flat
seems to maintain a more or less constant temperature of 20-21ºC.
Considering that it's more like 16º or 17º outside, this is pretty
good, and seems to be due to a clever layout, which ensures that any heat lost
from the hot water boiler and kitchen areas (which are more or less central in
the building) goes towards warming the rest of the house. Indeed, the corridors
connecting the flats keep extremely warm (sometimes uncomfortably so), and as
they lack any form of ventilation other than the ubiquitous fire doors, also
help to retain lost heat. Combined with the fact that we live on the first floor and are surrounded by other apartments, this should help to keep heating bills down during the winter, which is just as well because our central heating system is electric, rather than gas. The radiators are of the relatively efficient flat panel variety and are individually thermostatically controlled, driven by a central timer unit. I find it odd that there is no gas supply, given that it's such a new building, but this is probably an attempt to keep the cost of construction down, rather than out of concern for energy efficiency or running costs. There is, however, a water meter (standard on all new builds), which I'm told works out cheaper than paying fixed water rates, although with my long showers in the morning and Heike's baths, that remains to be seen (of course, these are shared wherever possible!). The water boiler itself is very large and efficient, taking just over an hour to heat from cold, and retaining its warmth throughout the day, which is nearly as good as having hot water on demand. Some of the more novel features of the house are the kitchen garbage disposal unit (nice touch), a complicated system of fans that circulates fresh air throughout the building (great once you figure out what all the switches do), and the piece de resistance, the keyless entry gates and TV phone link. Instead of keys, we have magnetic key fobs that, when held up to the security keypad will automatically unlock the front door or security gates. It's very cool, especially when you drive in the main entrance and unlock the gates, which then open automatically (of course!). Even better, in addition to the standard entry phone there is a video link which—get this—shows up on on of the TV channels so that you can see who's calling! (Oh, did I mention there's integrated TV and satellite feeds to each apartment?) Indeed, the house is well served for electronic gadgetry of all kind. The fridge-freezer has an electronically controlled thermostat, the washing machine tells you exactly how long it will be before your clothes are ready (and dried, if you don't mind the energy bills), and there is a copious quantity of mains and telephone sockets positioned at strategic points throughout the flat. This is a godsend if, like me, you have a plethora of computers and audio equipment to connect. I've also set up my own wireless broadband network (I'm hoping the signal might stretch to the communal garden area—a work still in progress—but that may be a little ambitious…), stereo, TV, of course, and am working on a 5.1 surround sound system that has been cobbled together from various bits of audio equipment that I've accumulated over the years. The TV functions as a centre speaker, my stereo amplifier and speakers are the front stereo pair and my BlueSky monitoring system provide the rear and sub-bass. I'll let you know how it all sounds when it's finished, but initial signs are encouraging! Although the house has a few concessions to energy efficiency, primarily low energy lightbulbs in the bathroom, hall and bedroom areas, the relatively small windows (one in each of the main rooms) mean that lights have to be kept on even during the day. Combined with the aforementioned gadgetry, and electric cooking and heating, it is alarming just how much power is required. This, and the fact that there is little or no storage space, even in the kitchen area where most of the built-in units conceal some kind of hi-tech appliance (all made by Bosch incidentally—those Germans have really got it sussed) are the only real downsides that I can find. However, in these days of Ikea free-standing furniture, storage isn't so much of a problem, and in any case, there's always the airing cupboard. All in all, I'm very impressed with the house. Aside from a few minor grumbles, it's a slick and well executed design with some great technological conveniences. At the same time, this is clearly a conventional house that has a few energy saving features, rather than one that was designed for energy efficiency from the ground up. Larger windows, a gas cooker, sensible heating system (underfloor?), and low energy lighting throughout would substantially cut down the energy requirements, but all these cost money, which is the name of the game in property development. Still, it's one of the nicest places that I've ever lived, and I consider myself very lucky, especially given that I no longer have a regular source of income. It's tough being a student in York, you know… Tuesday - July 19, 2005Mind over matter?I'm not generally given to speculation about
psychic powers and parapsychology, but the following two articles really caught
my imagination. Both involve electronic devices that can allegedly
‘sense’ things to which they have no apparent connection. The first
involves a device that is apparently influenced by the thoughts of a human
subject who is asked to concentrate on influencing the outcome of an event that
is determined purely by chance. The
second concerns a mysterious ‘black box’ that supposedly
reacts to major world events, such as the recent Asian tsunami, or the attacks
on the World Trade Centre, even before
they happen. Although both of these are most
likely hoaxes, or perhaps some kind of neo-urban myth, if there is even the
slightest bit of truth in either, then scientists have a hell of a lot of
explaining to do…
The idea that an electronic device could be
influenced by global media events, such as the funeral of Princess Diana or the
aftermath of September 11th, is perhaps not so far-fetched given that modern
communications technology generates large quantities of electromagnetic fields
that could conceivably influence electronic equipment such as the black box
random number generator described in the Edinburgh experiment. However, the fact
that this device supposedly reacts to these events before they occur is
completely inexplicable within a conventional scientific framework, except
perhaps in some weird quantum sense in which possible past and future universes
somehow interfere with or affect one another, but this probably belongs more to
the realm of science-fiction than rational scientific
debate.
On the other hand, perhaps we should positively expect things like this to occur in a universe where everything is connected and signals can travel faster than the speed of light in apparent defiance of the conventional laws of physics, such as Einstein's theory of relativity. At least, that's what the quantum scientists would have us believe. Whatever the truth of the matter—and, being a philosopher, I could probably talk about the meaning of that phrase means for several hundred pages—it it often hard to separate reality from fiction, especially when one has a strong desire to want to believe in these kind of mysterious phenomena. The fact that scientists have tried so hard to quantify and explain every aspect of our world sometimes drives one to look for the bizarre and inexplicable, partly out of a general sense of awe and wonderment about the sheer impossibility of it all, and partly from a perverse desire to find at least one thing that you can point to and say “See! You can't explain that!”. Personally, I think the desire to account for and control every aspect of our universe has to be balanced with a healthy respect for the limits and inadequacy of human knowledge, and indeed any kind of knowledge, which by definition must always be incomplete (I believe that a chap called Gödel had some important things to say about that). Sometimes science and logic only get you so far, and we forget that there are senses and faculties other than intelligence with which we can investigate the world that are equally, and occasionally more reliable, if not so easy to share with one's fellow man (or woman). In order to counter this intellectual bias, I'd recommend anyone who has more than a passing interest in the strangeness of the world to pick up a book on basic quantum mechanics (John Gribbin's Schrödinger's Cat is a particularly good one), which will confirm that the universe is indeed a far stranger place than one might (and possibly than one can) imagine. Perhaps in the final analysis, in the words of respected zoologist, Richard Dawkins, the universe really is just “too queer” for us to understand. Monday - May 23, 2005Something odd I noticed the other day…I was brushing my teeth with my snazzy electric
toothbrush the other day and, looking in the mirror, noticed something
odd that, quite frankly, disturbed me—and no, before you ask, it wasn't my
own reflection. Now I don't usually look in the mirror while brushing my teeth,
which is why it has taken me so long to notice this, but for some unexplained
reason, my tongue seems to have developed a mind of its own. Whenever I move the
toothbrush around my mouth with my hand, my tongue quite automatically and with
no intervention or help from me, will make exactly same movements,
even before my hand has actually
moved! Now, what's that all that about? Does
anybody else's tongue do this, or is it just mine?!
It's as if some stray mental impulses that were
destined for the hand accidentally get routed to the tongue by mistake, which
consequently ends up flopping about inside my mouth like a thing possessed. Even
stranger, if I don't move my hand, but only think about doing so, this is enough
to set the tongue off again, which acts out the imaginary movements that I had
thought about making my hand carry out, but didn't actually do. It's a very odd
feeling, I can tell you!
And it's not that I don't have any conscious control over this movement. If I concentrate, I can stop my tongue from moving altogether while I brush. However, relax the concentration and there it goes again, dancing around like a sea anemone on amphetamines. What the hell is going on?!? I think I read once that the region of the brain that controls the tongue is very close to the region that controls the hand, which is why small children stick their tongue out of the corner of their mouths when they are learning to write or draw. But to learn that I still have so little control over a part of my own body—some might say another part of my own body—does come as something of a shock. More recently I read that some people who undergo brain surgery to sever the two sides of their brain in order to prevent epileptic seizures can develop separate personalities in each side of their body. One hand can be doing one thing—getting dressed, for example—and the other hand decides to do the exact opposite, taking the clothes back off again! This isn't just a case of one hand not knowing what the other hand is doing. It knows full well, doesn't like it, and has decided try its damnedest to stop it, all without any conscious control from the dominant half of that person's brain! This is quite scary, and makes you wonder what the non-dominant half must be thinking. Perhaps there's another personality trapped in there, trying to make its presence felt? Now, I'm not saying that my tongue has developed a personality of its own. However, it does strike me as a little odd that it should move about in this fashion more or less of its own accord. Perhaps others could check to see what their tongues are up to while they are brushing their teeth and get back to me. It would be reassuring to know that I'm not a freak. On the other hand, if I am a freak, I think I'd rather not know, and so perhaps it's best to forget the whole thing, and stop looking in the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth. It's just too damn weird! Thursday - April 21, 2005Strange phenomenaPerhaps I'm getting paranoid, but I've been
noticing a lot of odd coincidences lately. Quite often—nearly every day,
in fact—something turns up on TV, in conversation or comes to mind that I
haven't thought about for a long time, if ever. Then, some time later that day,
the same thing turns up again completely unexpectedly and in a manner that
appears completely unconnected with the first occassion. Although I'm generally
sceptical about reading too much into random coincidences, it's been happening
so often that—to paraphrase Sex
And The City—I couldn't help but
wonder... Do coincidences have some kind of deeper significance, or do they
happen all the time without us noticing?
It reminds me of the lyrics in the Kate Bush
song, Strange
Phenomena:
You pick up a paper. you read a name. You go out. it turns up again and again. You bump into a friend you haven't seen for a long time, Then into another you only thought about last night... And it's not as if the things I'm noticing are particularly tenuous or open to interpretation. I had a dream a few weeks ago that included something that seemed particularly puzzling or out of place (I can't remember quite what) and I was thinking about it while making breakfast. When I switched on the TV, there it was on the news. And not just buried somewhere in the news, it was the very first thing that I saw! Coincidence? Then there's the time that I went to the doctors and she was surprised to notice that I had exactly the same birthday as another patient she had seen earlier in the day. Not terribly unusual, you might think, except that the doctor had exactly the same birthday! Now that increases the odds substantially… The trouble is, I'm generally very bad at remembering exactly what these coincidences were, or when they happened, even though I notice them on a regular basis, and so in an attempt to pin down exactly what's going on, I'm going to try writing them down to see if there is any pattern. Is there really is some odd synchronicity at play in the universe, or am I'm just getting superstitious in my old age? In the meantime, I will leave you with some more words of wisdom from that spiritual songstress and all round slightly mad person, Kate Bush: We raise our hats to the strange phenomena. Soul-birds of a feather flock together. We raise our hats to the hand a-moulding us, Sure enough, he has the answer, He has the answer, He has the answer, be-duh-be-duh-be-duh-be-duh... Om mani padme, Om mani padme, Om mani padme hum. Monday - April 04, 2005Danger! Mildly hazardous situation ahead...On my recent visit to Lancaster, I was most
amused to see the following sign, displayed next to a small fountain and a pond
with some fish in
it:
 It amused me because, well let's face it, it's
not really all that dangerous, is it? I mean, if a small pond is sufficient to
warrant a big blue warning sign then heaven knows what sorts of other mildly
hazardous situations we should be worried about. Very small cliffs perhaps? A
gentle incline several miles ahead? I actually read something scarily similar to
“This product may contain traces of nuts” on a packet of peanuts
recently. Is there no end to this
madness?!
By a strange coincidence, I was talking to someone only yesterday whose friend had to be taken to hospital for stitches after attempting to dive head-first into the duck pond at Lancaster University. Guess what? The water wasn't very deep. However, I seriously doubt whether a 'Danger: shallow water' sign in the appropriate location would have made a great deal of difference as he was clearly very drunk at the time and thus unlikely to have paid much notice. On the subject of pointless and amusing signs, here's another gem, which Heike and I spotted while walking around the beautiful hamlet of Bradford-upon-Avon, clearly a very exciting place indeed...  Saturday - April 02, 2005To beard or not to beard: the verdictWell, I've been fuzzy-faced for over three months
now and I have finally decided that I AM GOING TO SHAVE IT OFF! Not just yet
though... I plan to wait until 27th April (my birthday) when I will be one year
older (34 this year) but will look about five years younger than I did on the
previous day by virtue of not having a beard any more! Good trick,
huh?
My plan of growing a beard in a vain attempt to
try and look my age so that my fellow students wouldn't assume that I'd just
left school (!) kind of worked. Well, a few people thought that I might be a
just little bit older than they otherwise might, but to be honest it didn't
really make a lot of difference. One girl said that she mentally subtracted
about five years from the age I looked because she figured that I was only
growing the beard to be rebellious now that I had started university (and well,
maybe there is a certain grain of truth to that observation). However, the final
straw was when somebody again asked me the dreaded question of: "Did you take a
year out after leaving school?" again and I had to explain that well, actually,
I had taken about 15 years out and was a 'mature student', at which point they
looked at me rather oddly and said, "Oh yeah, I thought that you looked a bit
older than the others." I conclude that most 18 and 19 year olds are just crap
at judging how old people are, as I don't kid myself that I really look that
young (as is amply illustrated by the following
picture).
 So, the bottom line is that beard or no beard, I'm just going to have to get used to being mistaken for a younger man, although I refuse to accept that this is in any way a good thing! (I may take that back on the 27 April when I'm even an less younger man than I am now, but for now at least, the principle stands.) All other things being equal, I have decided to go back to being clean shaven – well less hairy anyway – which is kind of a pity because I was growing quite 'attached' to my beard (metaphorically speaking, you understand). It's kind of nice being a bit fuzzy round the edges, and I do find that people (particularly women) tend to react more positively to a bearded person, as if they see you as being more friendly and less threatening or something. I don't know, perhaps I imagined that, or who knows, perhaps I behave differently when I have a beard? One person who will be quite happy when I start shaving again is Heike as she was never very keen on the whole idea in the first place, although to give her credit she's been very patient, and seems to find the results quite fascinating. Hmmmm, maybe there is something to this women and beards thing after all (as opposed to women with beards, which is an entirely different matter). Not shaving it off until the end of the month will also give friends, family and work colleagues who I am seeing over the Easter holidays a good chance for a giggle, as I am sure they are dying to poke fun at my beardedness. (Hint: comparisons to Willie, the Scottish groundskeeper in The Simpsons will not be well received!) Wednesday - February 02, 2005It's official: Going to University makes you stupidHeike and I have been discussing the possibility
that going to University, far from making you more intelligent (as is commonly
assumed), actually makes you more stupid. This seems to be confirmed by the vast
number of mind numbingly dim and generally obtuse acts performed by the
academically gifted, and the hopeless lack of dress sense (not to mention common
sense) of most serious intellectuals (present audience obviously
excepted!).
Thinking about this logically (as I am wont to
do), if intelligence quotient (IQ) remains constant throughout one's lifetime (a
proven scientific fact), education (E) over a period of time (t) leads to
increased levels of knowledge (K), and intelligence is inversely proportional to
stupidity (S) then we can derive the following
equations:
K = Emt^2 IQ = K ÷ S where m is the speed of thought (generally thought to be a constant determined by the density of the individual). From this we can see that increasing the level of education or time for which one studies actually increases stupidity in order to keep IQ constant. In other words, any additional knowledge gained over time causes a corresponding increase in levels of stupidity in order to preserve the inner mental balance (h). This may go some way towards explaining why those who have been subjected to large amounts of academic conditioning (at University level, for example) find themselves unable to remember simple facts like their own phone numbers, to check their change after buying sandwiches with a £20 note, and consistently and repeatedly attempt to push doors that are clearly marked 'Pull', in apparent defiance of common sense (names concealed to protect the guilty). This also demonstrates that contrary to popular belief, those that know almost nothing are in fact the least stupid, whilst complete ignorance, although it may be bliss, is infinitely stupid. This confirms that Socrates was indeed the wisest man in Athens, why George Bush is the current President of the United States, and that the Universe was in fact sneezed out of the nose of an extremely large goat (a fact more generally attributed to the late Douglas N Adams). Sunday - December 12, 2004Old age and beardsI had wondered before coming to university how
difficult it would be to mix with 18 and 19 year olds who had just left school.
As it turns out, they seem to have less of a problem with the age gap than I do,
as I'm still fairly conscious of being the oldest guy in the class by a margin
of at least 10 years. However, I've started to realise that at least part of the
reason for this is that almost everybody assumes that I'm a lot younger than I
actually am, and as a result of this I have decided to grow a
beard.
OK, those two pieces of information may not seem
particularly related, but I'm starting to get irritated with people asking me if
I've "taken a year out" before coming to university. A year out?! More like 15
years out! It seems that most people (and by people, I mean young people) place
me somewhere in my early to mid-twenties. Quite flattering, you may think, given
that I'm actually 33, but no, it's bloody annoying! I don't want to be mistaken
for a 21 year old! Yes, it was fun at the time but I'm quite proud of my age,
thank you very much, and don't like the negation of the bulk of my life
experience that this admittedly innocent misjudgement
implies!
More seriously, it can sometimes be difficult to relate to someone who has just left school and is living away from home for the first time. Although I can still remember what that feels like (can't we all?), I have very different interests now that I'm a little more 'mature' (ha!) and it actually doesn't help to be mistaken for somebody who's in the same age bracket. In fact, it actually seems to create a barrier as I've found that I get along better with people who know that I'm slightly older, maybe because we can both appreciate where the other is coming from and adjust our expectations accordingly. Otherwise I feel like I'm trying to fit into an identity that I grew out of years ago, and have no particular desire to return to. I like being old, dammit! My solution? I will grow a beard and hope that makes me look like an old fogey so that nobody will mistake me for a twenty-one year old again! Besides, all philosophers should have beards (particularly the female ones). I will keep you updated with my progress and if the experiment is a success then who knows, maybe I'll even put up a photo. Ha bloody ha! Friday - December 10, 2004The joy of breadmakingA few weeks ago, my housemates and I decided to
invest in a shiny new breadmaker. It only cost forty quid between the three of
us (and that was the luxury model -- the box-like appearance of the
ten-pound-cheaper version offended Matteo's Italian design sensibilities) so we
all decided to chip in and buy one between us. Since then we've managed to make
all kinds of white and brown breads, sunflower bread, parmesan and onion bread,
raisin bread... the list is endless!
I can't begin to tell you what a wonderful
invention this machine is. If you don't own one already, rush out and buy one
immediately! OK, perhaps it's not the most economical way of purchasing bread as
you end up shelling out almost as much for the flour, yeast and other
ingredients as you would to buy ready made loaves, and 40 quid can buy a lot of
them, but there is great satisfaction to be had from loading up the machine with
ingredients, pressing the button and then three hours later tucking into a loaf
of warm, freshly baked bread that you've 'made' yourself. Not to mention the
delicious smell that wafts through the house while it's baking first thing in
the morning (yes, it's got a timer so you can set it to start mixing ready for
the morning toast!).
Apart from the obvious practical advantages, you just have admire the sheer engineering genius that's gone into the design of this thing. A simple metal tin with a funny wedge-shaped mixing blade inside a box that heats up is enough to turn a pile of innocent looking ingredients into a magnificent crusty loaf. It starts by mixing the ingredients slowly to form a dough. Then the dough is 'kneaded' to incorporate lots of air just by virtue of the tiny mixing blade turning round at just the right speed to rotate the dough ball around the tin so that it picks up any remnants of flour still sticking to the sides whilst folding it gently to achieve the right consistency. Then the dough is left to rest while being slightly warmed for the required length of time to allow the yeast to act before some more kneading and the final baking. It even beeps to tell you when to add extra ingredients like nuts, raisins or olives if you want, and then at the end keeps the bread warm for an extra half hour just in case you're not quite ready to eat it! I really could go on and on about this marvellous invention (in fact, I already have). Believe it or not, Matteo is even more taken with it than I am and has on occasion been seen stroking the breadmaker saying 'come on, baby'. I think he's in love! Anyway, enough waffle. I'm off to make another loaf of delicious sun-dried tomato bread. The last one disappeared in a day as it was just so damn tasty! Monday - November 10, 2003The curse of televisionThe strange experience of not watching television
and then suddenly doing so.
Well, we're down to the last few boxes. I had no
idea I had managed to accumulate so much junk, but fortunately we've managed to
find a place for most things now. (I even have a proper desk instead of the blue
plastic box you see in the picture. What luxury!) I also managed to finish that
story I was talking about, which you can find on the writing page along with
some other stuff I wrote a few years ago. I'm working on another one at the
moment, so any comments or feedback would be most
welcome.
 I had a very bizarre experience of not watching any TV for over a month, firstly because our furniture hadn't arrived, and then the remote control wouldn't work and so I couldn't tune the damn thing in! When I finally did get it working it really struck me how utterly crap nearly everything on TV really is. Even my old favourites seemed either very dull or moralizing American 'family values' based drivel and I found it hard to sit in one place staring at a box in the corner of the room, it seemed so unnatural, and don't even get me started on the advertising... Is it really any wonder that the world is going to pot when most of us get a daily dose of culture from this kind of dumbed-down sexed-up claptrap? It's alright though, I'm much better now. ;-) |
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Published On: Sep 07, 2007 08:01 AM 
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