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Mon - February 27, 2006
Trapped
I found this while looking through an old journal. I don't remember when I
wrote it, I didn't date it and I don't know what was going on in my life at the
time. It isn't exactly great prose, but it made me wonder about a few
things.
Trapped within a house I have
built
I wander from room to
room
Finding a different me hiding in
each.
In one room I dance with the joy of
freedom
In another freedom brings my
tears.
Here I laugh, there I
study...
I am free but can not leave my
room.
Soon the dancer dances into a
wall
The student runs out of
books;
Laughter falls flat with no ears to
hear.
For a while I feel free but
soon
I feel the chains. Though I am
free
To wander through this prison I have
made.
Not exactly an original idea, but
apparently a universal one. Sting has written several songs in reference to the
making of a prison, the idea of being caged, being trapped. There is a bit of
this theme running through the entire album 'Soul
Cages'.
But the other theme here is the
idea of being more than one person. Here is something I apparently wrote around
the same time:
Watching myself explore
is fascinating.
I see a little girl peeking
into a room.
She giggles and tentatively
opens drawers and doors and trunks.
I watch
as she tries on different clothes;
She
becomes a different person with each hat.
She
walks and runs and slouches and
prances
Looking, I think, for
me.
Is this me
searching?
Is this me going to forbidden
places?
Is this me who I see in the
mirror
Or is this just a little
girl?
Wed - January 12, 2005
TinyBlog Survey
Found on Elke's site, the tinyblog
survey originated here.
What name do you prefer to be
called? Kathy, of course. Although small
children call my Ms. Kathy, or Kaffy, I do prefer just the standard. I've
gotten kind of use to it after 36
years.Have you ever
hallucinated something you knew wasn’t there but looked
real? Hallucination has never been a problem.
Unless I'm simply unaware of
it.What is your favorite kind
of tea? Sweet, iced tea. The kind you can
only get in the south. You Northerners don't know what your
missin'!What languages do you
know swear words in? Two...English and Sign
Language. No, I won't teach
you.Do you believe in a
benevolent creator? Well, of course! What
other kind of creator would there
be?If so, do you have a
relationship with it/him/her? I try.
Sometimes I think I'm too neglectful to say that I do,
however.Do you believe in
homeopathy? From Dictionary.com: " A system
for treating disease based on the administration of minute doses of a drug that
in massive amounts produces symptoms in healthy individuals similar to those of
the disease itself." Not what I expected to find. However, I do believe that
this works for some
problems.What famous person do
you really wish you could be friends with?
What makes you act the most
evil? Children misbehaving in public while
their parents ignore them.How
much does your mom know about your life?
Either nothing or more than I do; I'm not sure
which.What music did you once
love but can’t even listen to now?
<s>Prince.</s> edtied: not true anymore. I can't honestly say there
is anything.What’s the
dirtiest book you’ve ever read? 'Red
Roan Pony,' after my brother shot the box it was in full of holes with a BB gun.
The book, too, was full of holes. Most of the other books I've read have been
fairly clean.Are you a top,
bottom, or versatile? Wow. That's pretty
personal!What is your most
prominent dysfunction? I'm
obsessive/compulsive when it comes to books being upright and faced on a
bookshelf. Especially in a library or book
store.What is your favorite
font? Currently, for reading, it is
helvetica. But one of my very favorite fonts for everything else is a font
called 'Gory.'
It was designed to look like Edward Gorey's
handwriting.What is your
favorite kind of salad dressing? Newman's Own Basalmic
VinegaretteEver had
a major illness or injury? Well, if
endometriosis count's,
yeah.Ever come close to
death? Once. But he evaded me by slipping
into the men's room.Would you
kill a man if it was you or him? I don't know.
I would certainly try to save my own life. But the idea that I would be able to
kill him before he killed me is
dubious.Would you kill a man
just for lookin’ at you funny? No. But
he better not make fun of my dog.
Are you still friends with
your exes? Friends? No. Enemies? No.
Acquaintances? Not
really.What do you bring to a
potluck? My husband, who usually brings three
bean casserole.Say one nice
thing about the author of this survey. I
don't know her, but she writes an interesting
survey.Okay, two
things. She must be pretty interesting,
too.Say one nice thing about
yourself, too.
I am
definitely interesting. At least to myself.
Sat - January 8, 2005
More About Me
Bored today. Thought I'd copy several blogs I've
seen lately and do the threes.
Three names you go
by: Kathy, Kathryn,
KatThree screen-names you
have: kdavies, ksdavies,
dualityThree things you like
about yourself: my optimism, my sense of
humor, my choice of a (2nd)
husband.Three things you
dislike about yourself: occasional depression,
night owl-ness, sun
allergyThree parts of my
heritage: Dutch, enough other stuff to confuse
the issue, SouthernThree
things that scare you: my husband dying before
me, my house burning down, finding out that only cyclists get into
heaven.Three of your everyday
essentials: Mountain Dew (even if it IS
caffeine free and diet), meds (estrogen & paxil...thank you, God!),
knittingThree things you are
wearing right now: jean, slippers, night
shirtThree of your favorite
bands/artists (at the moment): Waterdeep, Edwin McCain, Rachael
YamagataThree of
your favorite songs at present: I
Want You (Rachael Yamagata), Wish
in This World (Edwin McCain), anything by Waterdeep.Three
things you want to do in the next 12 months:
tile my dining room floor, go mountain biking (just in case it will get me into
heaven), visit my brother-in-law & his family
again.Three things you want in
a relationship (love is a given): honesty,
kindness, spontaneityThree
physical things about the opposite sex (or same) that appeal to
you: beautiful eyes, strong hands, nice
smileThree things you just
can't do: play guitar, get a good picture of
my own house, keep my house
clean.Three of your favorite
hobbies: knitting, knitting and knitting. Oh,
and reading (about knitting.) And shopping (for knitting
stuff).Three things you want
to do really badly right now: drink fully
caffeinated, fully sugared Mountain Dew, move to Salt Lake and live next door
to my brother-in-law & his family to be their babysitter, convince my boss
that he doesn't need the office's Canon
Rebel and should give it to me.
Permanently.Three careers you
are considering: owning a bike shop, owning a
coffee shop, retirementThree
places you want to go on vacation: Italy (to
see Ron!), France (to see Lance!), Ireland (to see, well,
Ireland.)Three things you want
to do before you die: Visit at least one of
the places I just mentioned, hang glide, pay off all my debts
(ha!).
Sun - April 18, 2004
100 Things About Me
I must fulfill my meme
mission.
1. I am a
Christian.2. That doesn't mean what
most people think it means.3. I am
36 years old.4. I am woman. I don't
roar. Often.5. I married a wonderful man (who was
working on his Astro-Physics doctorate) on the first day of Spring in 1994.
That year, the Spring Equinox was on March 21. Some years it's on March 20.
Those years we celebrate twice.6. I
am very happily married and live in
Georgia.7. My Daddy always told me
I'm weird. I think he meant special. He was pretty special,
too.8. I use to be musical - I
played piano and flute. Now I mostly play my iPod. I'm getting really good at
it, too.9. I know a little sign
language.10. I repair Windows
computers for a living.11. I do most
of my own work on a Mac. They rarely need repair.12.
I design websites in
my spare time. (ha! like I leave myself much of
that!)13. I assist my husband in
running Gordon
Christian Fellowship.14. I
once belonged to a Methodist church, the Catholic faith, a Church of Christ, and
currently have membership at a Christian Church (it's a non-denominational
denomination,) and read from a Bible translated by a Messianic Jew. None of
these are good representations of my beliefs, although they each give you a
hint.15. Yes. I do know what it is
that I believe.16. No. I won't go
into all of it here, but some of it will be randomly
dispersed.17. I probably should have
been a vet - I 'fall in love' with 98% of the animals I
meet.18. I do not consider insects,
'bugs' and arachnids to be
animals.19. I am the 5th of 5
children...the baby, spoiled
rotten.20. I have dated 5 Eagle
Scouts.21. I married 2 Eagle
Scouts.22. Four out of 5 Eagle
Scouts make great leaders.23. I have
played keyboards in 2 different music groups. They each let me sing
once.24. I like my voice
anyway.25. I drink at least 3
'unleaded' Mountain Dews per day (caffeine free - I like the
taste!)26. I chew at least 2 pieces
of Juicy Fruit per day. It's caffeine free, too. (Did you know they use bananas
and pineapple, among other things, as
flavoring?)27. I have had a
hysterectomy.28. Adoption is a
possibility, although God has us busy with other things right
now.29. I got my eyes from my Daddy.
They are my favorite thing about my face. But I want laser
surgery.30. Bones I've broken are:
nose, tail and toe (fractures,
all.)31. I prefer mountain biking to
road biking. It makes me feel strong and gives me a lot of confidence. And endo-ing on
dirt doesn't hurt as bad as I expected it
to.32. I prefer dogs to cats. I
prefer most animals to cats. See #18 for 'animal'
qualifiers.33. I loved the original
X-Files. I own many of the
episodes. Not enough of them,
though.34. 'The Matrix', in my
opinion, is one of the finest movies ever made. If you didn't get it, it's about
faith.35.
'The Matrix Reloaded' did not meet my expectations. But it's ok, too.
'Revolution' was fabulous.36. I was
a punk rocker before punk was really
punk.37. I left punk rock behind
before punk really got going.38. I
still like pre-punk and a score of alt bands. But you've never heard of most of
them. (Undercover,
anyone?)39. I'm having more trouble
coming up with 100 things than I expected
to.40. I don't want to resort to
cheating...this statement, being given a number, is
cheating.41. I was a collector for a
financial company. Sometimes I was even nice about
it.42. Some of my religious beliefs
are very Catholic. Some are very
Protestant.43. I like a lot of
non-Christian music, but I mostly listen to Christian rock
stuff.44. Even nonreligious issues,
for me, are religious issues.45. I
am happiest in a job when I'm solving a problem. I'm also at my most annoyed in
a job when I'm solving a problem.46.
I'm naturally blonde, but am currently a red
head.47. I am a
paradox.48. I like to think I'm
amusing and prefer to be allowed to live in my delusional
state.49. I think I'm intelligent.
OK...I know I'm intelligent. Not brilliant, but that would require more
psychosis than I want to have.50. I
love to laugh. But crying annoys me. I can't breathe when I
cry.51. I hate to
cook.52. I don't mind doing the
dishes. But I wish I had a bigger
dishwasher.53. I prefer not to do
the laundry.53. I try to live with
integrity.54. I know a little
Greek.55. I know less
Hebrew.56. I read a lot of fiction.
But not 'love stories'. Currently I'm pretty 'into' Dean
Koontz.57. I eat a lot of
Cheetos.58. Sometimes I watch Dr.
Phil. I like his attitude.59. I once
wanted to be a teacher. But they made laws against sending kids to the salt
mines, so I decided to change my career
plan.60. I've never really had a
career plan.62. Because of the Bible
translation I read, I tend to call Jesus 'Yeshua.' It removes some of the
'triteness' from the whole 'God is Love' movement for
me.61. I believe in God the Father,
Maker of Heaven and Earth.62. I
believe that Yeshua the Messiah is the one unique son of God; conceived by the
Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary, crucified under Pontius Pilate, was dead
and buried. On the third day He rose again and ascended into Heaven where He
sits at the right hand of God the
Father.63. I believe that Yeshua was
crucified once for all people and is the bridge that allows us to pray to and
ask forgiveness of God ourselves instead of going through a priest. I also
believe that communion does not require a priest. (Some Catholic *I*
made.)64. I believe in the Holy
Spirit, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins and life everlasting
with our Triune God.65. As Rich
Mullins wrote, I believe what I believe is what makes me what I
am.66. Yes, I left out the 'one holy
church' or 'one catholic church' statement...I believe we should be, but as long
as we are not able to take communion on this earth at one table, we are not
achieving Yeshua's desire.67. I have
lived in 6 states...Alabama, Florida, Utah, Kansas, Georgia, and
Insanity.68. Georgia is currently my
favorite, although Insanity can be
fun.69. My husband and I have 3
birds. Elvis (we didn't name him) is a Lovebird, Moxie and Sammy are
cockatiels.70. I have taken a few
workshops in computer repair and networking but never a formal
class.71. I have taken no classes in
web design.72. I took accounting. I
even passed it. But don't let me near your
books.73. I feel that Life is the
best education you can get.74. I
also feel that reading is an important component of staying alive while getting
that education.75. I am a fan of the
group Waterdeep. I am also
a fan of Lynyrd Skynyrd.
Go figure.76. My breakfast usually
consists of a toasted and buttered Lender's bagel and a Caffeine-Free Mountain
Dew. I think that's what God must have,
too.77. I rode a motorcycle when I
was a teenager. I want another
one.78. I'm in the process of
quietly campaigning for a motorcycle. I plan to assist in the motorcades at the
bike races Chad enters. I promise not to ride it too much more often than that.
Except maybe to work. And maybe to the store. And maybe around town. But that's
all. I promise.79. I am a seat belt
and helmet advocate. In the car, use your seat belt. On any kind of bike, wear
(and buckle) an ANSI approved helmet at all times. I mean, seriously...do you
know how difficult it is to relearn the alphabet? Especially when you're dead?
Do you really want to find out?80.
I've been considering getting a tattoo. But don't worry...I'm afraid of needles,
so it'll never happen. Probably.81.
I wear many rings. On my left hand, I wear a wedding/ engagement set on the
traditional wedding finger. On my pointer, I wear a plain gold band. (I
committed my life to Yeshua first.) On my right hand, I wear an emerald pinky
ring (my birthstone) and a crucifix on my
pointer.82. Yes, there is almost
always a reason for everything I
do.83. I shaved my head in June of
2002.84. Yes...completely
bald.85. The first vinyl
album I ever bought was Billy Joel's '52
Street'. I think my 2nd and 3rd albums were also Billy
Joel.86. I don't remember
what my first CD was, but my first 8-track tape was an Elvis Christmas one. I
don't remember if I ever actually bought any 8-track tapes, though. Mostly we
just recorded vinyl onto 8-track. We did the same thing with
cassettes.87. There is no point in
doing that with CD's, for me, anyway. I just buy the CD, rip it onto my
PowerBook and sync it to my iPod. Or download it from iTunes. I think iTunes
could be a problem for us
financially.88. Hubby and I really
enjoyed 'Mad About
You.' We own the first season on DVD and try to watch a couple of
episodes on Friday nights during 'date night.' Paul and Jamie kind of remind us
of 'us,' except we're not THAT
neurotic.89. 'Date night' for hubby
and I isn't as frequent as we hoped it would be. Friday nights aren't always
good 'sit down and watch a few episodes' nights. Sometimes they are 'let's both
take a nap, wake up and eat dinner, then go back to sleep' nights. Or 'let's
walk over to Jeff's and barge in on him for a few hours' night. Or,
occasionally, 'I'm out of sudafed and we need to go to Wal-Mart' night, which
involves driving to another town and, since we're there, shopping for a
while.90. I named my first dog after
a place in the Bible...Canaan, the Land of Promise. I figured my Canaan
was a dog of promise. And she was pretty
great.91. I named my second dog
after a Nobel Prize winning physicist...Cooper (Leon), who won for his work in
superconductivity. My Cooper's
AKC registered name is 'Super Coopertivity.' Yeah, I thought it was
cute.91 1/2. My hubby named his
first dog Sampson due
to his very long black fur. He named his second dog after a Nobel Prize winning
physicist...Maxwell (James Clerk), who won for his work in magnetism. Our Maxwell's
AKC registered name is 'Maggie's Magnetic Maxwell.' Maggie, of course, was our
Maxwell's (and our Cooper's) mom.92.
I once dyed my hair to match Cooper's fur. He's a gorgeous golden retriever. I
was a gorgeous red-head.93. I have 2
nieces and 3 nephews. I'm closer in age to 2 of my nephews than I am to their
mom.94. My favorite color is red.
But it has to be the right shade of red, not too orange. In fact, burgundy is
better.95. I don't like
orange.96. I like orangeS, just not
the color orange. Actually, I prefer tangelos, so I guess even orangeS aren't my
favorite.97. I thought Apple went over-board with the whole
'fruity colors' iMac thing. They should have made them all see through with
snap-on color plates. That would have solved the whole problem of the
over-stocked Lime at the stores. No one ever checks with me on these
things.98. I waited for YEARS to
finally have the opportunity to own a metal-looking laptop. You can imagine my
excitement when Apple introduced the Titanium PowerBook, or TiBook. I'm writing
this on one now.99. Too bad titanium
causes problems with wireless reception. Ah, well. I don't have a wireless card,
anyway. And, anyway, now I want one that looks like brushed bronze. Fat chance.
(I wonder if I can find paint that will stand up to the
heat?)100. I don't like being 'put
in a box' or 'labeled,' so remember, this is only 100 things about me. There's
plenty yet to learn!
Sat - April 17, 2004
Love
One thing I have spent hours, days, years
trying to get a handle on is love. Not love in the sense that I love broccoli,
but love...Love...
The word is used for many things. It is most
often used to describe lust; physical, emotional, or material lust, as in I love
BMWs or I love that cute guy in my Algebra class. But I figured that out a long
time ago. Not before it caused me grief, but who
does?
What I've studied, pondered,
examined and tried to teach others about is a different kind of love. Most
often I'm talking about Agape love, selfless, painful, rip-your-heart-out and
let-them-learn-from-their-mistakes love. But what I think I have a handle on is
the kind of love that makes two people a couple and right-for-each-other. The
kind of love that causes people to pair off and think they can make a
relationship work and want to create little people who are a combination of all
that they are.
I know that,
generally speaking, people are drawn to someone who is similar to their
opposite-sex parent. We all want to work out whatever issues we had with that
person and heal the relationship from whatever hurts, big or little, there were
with our parent.
I know that an
abused person will seek our an abuser every time. In fact, they will provoke
the abuser and do what they can to push the relationship to the edge. An addict
will seek out someone who will enable them. A woman who watched her mama push
her daddy around will find a man she can dominate. It works in the good
relationships, too. All to see if we can find the person who will help us
heal.
What I haven't necessarily
figured out is the age old question, "How do you know." Like, how do you know
it's truly love? How do you know this is the person you can spend the rest of
your life with? I know enough to tell you that it isn't the abuser, the
enabler, the submissive. I know enough to tell you to work those things out for
yourself and know what it is you need healing from. I know enough to tell you
not to settle for 'good enough' and to tell you that you DO deserve a person who
will fulfill a list of qualities that people will tell you is too ideal. Those
people exist and if you settle, you'll regret
it.
I know a lot of great things to
tell you about looking for that person. But when you've found them, all I can
tell you is the same thing everyone else will tell you. How do you know? You
just do.
But Chad said something
this weekend that I thought was great. He told someone who asked that question
this: When you find yourself naturally adding them into your future; when you
look 5, 10, 15 years ahead and see that person
there.
So I got to thinking about it
again, about what made me 'know' that Chad was the right person. I mean, I was
married before and didn't get it right, so what made me think, how did I know,
that Chad and I were going to be able to keep a relationship alive for the rest
of our lives?
This is what I came up
with. I remember a day when I was talking to a friend about our mutual friend,
Chad. I don't remember what we were talking about specifically, but I remember
telling her, "I would love to be able to move him wherever I move just so I can
see what happens in his life...just to witness what God does in him and who he
becomes. He's going to be such a great guy...I'd hate to miss a minute." I
wasn't 'in love' with him. I wasn't thinking I wanted to marry him. In fact, I
was in another relationship that I had no intention of leaving at that time. I
just knew that I wanted to be around him, to keep him in my
life.
Eventually, we started dating,
etc, etc. I remember realizing that, as well as being a great guy and a force
for God, he'd make a great husband, too. I already wanted to be a part of his
life always. Now I knew exactly what
part!
So; how do you know? You just
do.
Wed - March 3, 2004
Just as I suspected...
I was right. It WAS a conspiracy! A
conspiracy to cheat me out of some of my wisdom!
Or at least some of my teeth. Day one wasn't
too bad. I slept some, but I actually didn't feel too bad and didn't hurt
much.
Day two, however, has been no
fun. It hurts to move my jaw, to swallow, to turn my neck...and I'm just
downright blah feeling. Not too much swelling, yet, though. And most of the
bleeding has stopped. Now if I can just avoid those dry sockets!
Mon - March 1, 2004
I Know Too Much...
Apparently, I know too much.
There is a conspiracy to knock me out and rip
out my wisdom teeth. My sources say this will happen tomorrow (Tuesday, March
2) and I don't know if there is anything I can do to stop it.
My husband says he's taking me out
of town this evening for a 'romantic getaway,' but I can't find anything in the
town we're going to that is romantic. I think he might be in on
it.
I wonder if playing dumb will
help?
Thu - January 15, 2004
Just a placeholder
I'll get this all together soon!
Thanks for checking!
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