One thing I have spent hours, days, years
trying to get a handle on is love. Not love in the sense that I love broccoli,
but love...Love...
The word is used for many things. It is most
often used to describe lust; physical, emotional, or material lust, as in I love
BMWs or I love that cute guy in my Algebra class. But I figured that out a long
time ago. Not before it caused me grief, but who
does?
What I've studied, pondered, examined and tried to teach others about is a different kind of love. Most often I'm talking about Agape love, selfless, painful, rip-your-heart-out and let-them-learn-from-their-mistakes love. But what I think I have a handle on is the kind of love that makes two people a couple and right-for-each-other. The kind of love that causes people to pair off and think they can make a relationship work and want to create little people who are a combination of all that they are.
I know that, generally speaking, people are drawn to someone who is similar to their opposite-sex parent. We all want to work out whatever issues we had with that person and heal the relationship from whatever hurts, big or little, there were with our parent.
I know that an abused person will seek our an abuser every time. In fact, they will provoke the abuser and do what they can to push the relationship to the edge. An addict will seek out someone who will enable them. A woman who watched her mama push her daddy around will find a man she can dominate. It works in the good relationships, too. All to see if we can find the person who will help us heal.
What I haven't necessarily figured out is the age old question, "How do you know." Like, how do you know it's truly love? How do you know this is the person you can spend the rest of your life with? I know enough to tell you that it isn't the abuser, the enabler, the submissive. I know enough to tell you to work those things out for yourself and know what it is you need healing from. I know enough to tell you not to settle for 'good enough' and to tell you that you DO deserve a person who will fulfill a list of qualities that people will tell you is too ideal. Those people exist and if you settle, you'll regret it.
I know a lot of great things to tell you about looking for that person. But when you've found them, all I can tell you is the same thing everyone else will tell you. How do you know? You just do.
But Chad said something this weekend that I thought was great. He told someone who asked that question this: When you find yourself naturally adding them into your future; when you look 5, 10, 15 years ahead and see that person there.
So I got to thinking about it again, about what made me 'know' that Chad was the right person. I mean, I was married before and didn't get it right, so what made me think, how did I know, that Chad and I were going to be able to keep a relationship alive for the rest of our lives?
This is what I came up with. I remember a day when I was talking to a friend about our mutual friend, Chad. I don't remember what we were talking about specifically, but I remember telling her, "I would love to be able to move him wherever I move just so I can see what happens in his life...just to witness what God does in him and who he becomes. He's going to be such a great guy...I'd hate to miss a minute." I wasn't 'in love' with him. I wasn't thinking I wanted to marry him. In fact, I was in another relationship that I had no intention of leaving at that time. I just knew that I wanted to be around him, to keep him in my life.
Eventually, we started dating, etc, etc. I remember realizing that, as well as being a great guy and a force for God, he'd make a great husband, too. I already wanted to be a part of his life always. Now I knew exactly what part!
So; how do you know? You just do.
What I've studied, pondered, examined and tried to teach others about is a different kind of love. Most often I'm talking about Agape love, selfless, painful, rip-your-heart-out and let-them-learn-from-their-mistakes love. But what I think I have a handle on is the kind of love that makes two people a couple and right-for-each-other. The kind of love that causes people to pair off and think they can make a relationship work and want to create little people who are a combination of all that they are.
I know that, generally speaking, people are drawn to someone who is similar to their opposite-sex parent. We all want to work out whatever issues we had with that person and heal the relationship from whatever hurts, big or little, there were with our parent.
I know that an abused person will seek our an abuser every time. In fact, they will provoke the abuser and do what they can to push the relationship to the edge. An addict will seek out someone who will enable them. A woman who watched her mama push her daddy around will find a man she can dominate. It works in the good relationships, too. All to see if we can find the person who will help us heal.
What I haven't necessarily figured out is the age old question, "How do you know." Like, how do you know it's truly love? How do you know this is the person you can spend the rest of your life with? I know enough to tell you that it isn't the abuser, the enabler, the submissive. I know enough to tell you to work those things out for yourself and know what it is you need healing from. I know enough to tell you not to settle for 'good enough' and to tell you that you DO deserve a person who will fulfill a list of qualities that people will tell you is too ideal. Those people exist and if you settle, you'll regret it.
I know a lot of great things to tell you about looking for that person. But when you've found them, all I can tell you is the same thing everyone else will tell you. How do you know? You just do.
But Chad said something this weekend that I thought was great. He told someone who asked that question this: When you find yourself naturally adding them into your future; when you look 5, 10, 15 years ahead and see that person there.
So I got to thinking about it again, about what made me 'know' that Chad was the right person. I mean, I was married before and didn't get it right, so what made me think, how did I know, that Chad and I were going to be able to keep a relationship alive for the rest of our lives?
This is what I came up with. I remember a day when I was talking to a friend about our mutual friend, Chad. I don't remember what we were talking about specifically, but I remember telling her, "I would love to be able to move him wherever I move just so I can see what happens in his life...just to witness what God does in him and who he becomes. He's going to be such a great guy...I'd hate to miss a minute." I wasn't 'in love' with him. I wasn't thinking I wanted to marry him. In fact, I was in another relationship that I had no intention of leaving at that time. I just knew that I wanted to be around him, to keep him in my life.
Eventually, we started dating, etc, etc. I remember realizing that, as well as being a great guy and a force for God, he'd make a great husband, too. I already wanted to be a part of his life always. Now I knew exactly what part!
So; how do you know? You just do.
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