Hobbes


In the beginning... March - May, 2003
When Hobbes was diagnosed his creatinine was 6.5 (above 2.0 is high) and his BUN was 83 (above 35 is high). Also alarming was his calcium at 12.5 (above 10.5 is high). His phosphorous was elevated too at 6.8 (should be around 4 or so).

Initially, his vet wanted him to stay at the clinic and do IV fluids, but knowing Hobbes and his personality, I knew he couldn't stay. I knew he'd get depressed and be worse off. The vet agreed with me regarding the personality issue and taught me how to do fluids. He sent us home with orders to do 200 cc's twice a day (for 400 cc's a day) for a week. After a week we did see an improvement in his blood work and the vet was encouraged (he thought it might be the end at first).

Our vet wanted us to continue fluids at 200-300 cc's a day and that seemed really high to me. I felt more comfortable at 100-150 cc's so I lowered him down to that and it seemed to be enough. His creatinine and BUN continued to drop and his appetite continued to increase and he regained the weight he lost.

After dignosis it took about 2-3 months for Hobbes to become stable and feeling good. At first, it took a lot of coaxing and some cyproheptadine (an appetite stimulant) to get him to eat. I remember trying to coax him to eat and crying a lot when he wouldn't as I was so worried about him. Though his first vet did help him, I felt like we needed a vet who specialized in CRF, one who could take blood pressure, and one who would treat all of his conditions (he has liver issues and an irregular heartbeat), so we switched to an internist. It's really been great. She started Hobbes on Norvasc (for his blood pressure) in April and Lactulose in May. Both of these things seemed to helped him a great deal. He started perking up and walking around the house more when we started these medicines.

We had to experiment a great deal to find the right dose of Potassium Gluconate (Hobbes hated Tumil K and when we finally put him on the human kind he started taking it better). When he doesn't get his potassium he can't walk very well. He gets very weak and can't straighten his back legs. The first time this happened I thought it was the end, but after a day on potassium he looked normal again.

In April, 2003 we learned that in addition to being CRF Hobbes had a mass on one of his kidneys. Given his high calcium level, his vet thought it was cancer. I was very upset about the mass that was discovered, but I didn't think it was cancer. I just felt that since Hobbes was doing better and seemed to be enjoying life, that I wanted to wait and see how he was doing before subjecting him to a needle biopsy. His vet didn't think the mass would cause any pain. If we knew it was cancer we could do chemotherapy, but not surgery as we couldn't take out his kidney since he needs every last nephron he has! If we did chemo, I didn't think Hobbes would be very happy with life. He likes to stay home and the vet was saying he'd have to come in to their office about once a week for treatment and or blood work. He would HATE that!

One good thing that came out of seeing "the mass" and the CRF diagnosis is that I finally got around to "kitty-proofing" the little deck off of our bedroom. The image below shows Hobbes enjoying laying on this deck. He loves it. For years I had been meaning to kitty-proof, but his diagnosis it lit a fire under me and I got it done. CRF and the worry of cancer makes you not assume you always have tomorrow and you want to enjoy each day to the fullest.

Hobbes enjoying the sun.

Summer, 2003
Hobbes had a great June, July and most of August, and then started eating less. When he didn't want to eat I began to worry and I decided then it was time to the needle aspiration of the mass. Good news--no cancer cells were aspirated. This doesn't rule out cancer, but it makes it less likely. Also, the mass hadn't grown from April to August. Even though we did the needle aspiration, we still don't know what the mass is. We hope that it continues to stay the same size and not interfere with his kidney functions any more than it may already be interfering. His vet has a theory that the mass may actually be helping him to manufacture erythropoietin (a naturally occurring hormone, produced by the kidneys, which stimulates the body to produce red blood cells) and helping to keep him from being anemic since his HCT is up a bit.

Fall, 2003
Suprisingly enough after his aspiration he started acting like he was feeling really really good. I joked that he started feeling better because the vet had to shave his belly. He used to always eat all the fur off his belly. We never really figured out why he did it. We figured it was most likely neurotic behavior. He used to have a LOT of hairballs because of this. As he got older, and especially after his radioactive iodine treatment for HyperT, he stopped this behavior. I do think he liked a bare belly though and I do think he was delighted to have a bare belly again following the treatment... I don't know if this helped him feel better or not, but whatever made him feel better was a good thing and we had a good fall!

December, 2003
We're happy to report that with his medicine and fluids he's been doing really well. Though his kidney values are still elevated they are much better than they were when he was initially diagnosed. As of December 2003, his BUN was 37 and his creatinine was 2.7. His Phosphorous was down to 4.1 (normal range and a good normal range at that), and his calcium is still high, but not as high as it was. His HCT (hematocrit) is in the normal range (31%) so he's not anemic (he's previously been a lot lower). His blood pressure is normal now (140) so the Norvasc is helping. "The mass" is still the same size and it's nice to know that it's not growing at the moment.

He eats well and eats around the clock. During the day we remind him to eat a couple of times and then I wake up to feed him in the middle of the night at least once. When he's hungry, he'll wake me up 2 or 3 times to ask me to feed him. I don't mind at all. I like it when he's feeling well enough to wake me up. (I think he likes being CRF because he has gotten even more spoiled than he used to be before!)

January, 2004
In the last couple of weeks (end of January 2004) it has seemed like Hobbes isn't eating as well as he was before. He's still acting like he's feeling pretty good, and some days he eats great and some days he doesn't. I know he has hungry days and not hungry days, but it seems like the not hungry days are really NOT hungry days. Just to be safe we'll be going in to see the vet again soon to get new numbers.

February, 2004
Hobbes went to the vet on February 9th and the vet couldn't find any reason for his lack of appetite. His blood work showed no worsening of his kidney values (in fact his creatinine was better at 2.4). His ammonia value (what the lactulose helps clear) was a little higher but still with in the normal range. We decided to up his lactulose dose a little (from .5 cc to .75 cc 2x a day). I don't know if that made the difference, but he is eating better now and seeming much more Hobbes-like. It's so nice when he feels good. I worry so when he is sick.

March, 2004
Hobbes and I are getting ready to celebrate our 15th anniversary of being together (3/10/2004) and his year mark of being offically a CRF kitty. This past year has made me treasure him more and more... and has made him an even more spoiled kitty.

(end of March) Through out March Hobbes started a new pattern for eating. He'd eat really well for a few days and then hardly anything at all. I tried my best not to freak when he didn't eat well. For example, one day he barely ate anything at all. I reminded myself that the two previous days he'd eaten like a little kitty-piggy. Then the day after his hunger strike he ate great. I guess this may be our "new normal" of eating as this pattern repeated itself every few days (great, great, not so great, great). I just hope he can maintain his weight with this pattern. I don't think that he would eat if I tried to assist feed him. He's a very stubborn kitty! Whenever he doesn't eat or take his meds, he and I have a kitty to person heart-to-heart and I tell him that he has to keep his end of the deal and help me help him. He is not a kitty to be forced into anything. If he ever decides that he doesn't want to eat, I don't think there will be anything I can do to convince him. Of course I will try to convince him, but I can't see him ever accepting assist feeding as an option.

The other thing March brought is Hobbes waking me up around 7 am because he wants to go outside on the deck. The weather has been beautiful and he has been going out. He just wants to be outside now during ALL daylight hours. I call him my solar-powered kitty.

April, 2004
In March, Hobbes seemed to eat less, but in April he did really well eating. Most of the time he seemed to eat 1/4 cup of food each day which is what I like to see him eat each day. (Well, it's the minimum, but many days in March he ate much less than that.) Hobbes also seems to have one day every week or two or three when he throws up and then feels like NOT eating the next day. I'm writing this down so that I'm not surprised the next time it happens.

May-June, 2004
Well, we've had a lot going on... Hobbes welcomed his new little sister on 5/11 and seemed to adjust much better this time. (With his first little sister he got really depressed. This time he took it in stride... or so I thought... he lost weight... keep reading)

Hobbes just went to the vet and got new numbers. I was so bummed out that he lost weight. He was 10 lbs 6 oz. Previously, in February '04, he was 10 lbs 12 ounces (I think). He's been steadily losing weight for the last year. Last year in August he was about 11 lbs 2 ounces. I just started adding cyproheptadine to his meds. (Not every day... I don't like the idea of doing it every day.)

His numbers

Creatinine 3.0 (.8 - 2.3)
BUN 36 (15-34)
Calcium 13.4 (8.2 - 11.8)
Phosphorous 4.3 (3.0-7.0)
Potassium 4.8 (3.9 - 5.3)
Amylase 1542 (505-1285)
ALT 89 (28-76)
Protein 9.1 (5.9-8.5) (His globulin was high at 6.4)

Everything else was normal.
HCT was 30.5 (was 30.6 4 months ago--so no change there.)

Interpretation:
Creatinine is up a little (from 2.7 range he was 2.4 in Feb but usually 2.7-2.8 range). Calcium is up a lot (was 12.5 last time but now even higher). CA * Phos is still below 60 so the vet is worried about why the calcium is so up but happy to see that product lower than 60. There was no evidence of any infection from his cystocentesis. His vet is not too concerned about the Amylase she gets worried if it gets into the 3000 range she said and it's been hovering around 1500 for a while now.) His ALT has been elevated for a while... and we're treating Hobbes for a liver issue with Lactulose... His ALT has been higher too.

The really troubling thing is he's not walking well. He's walking with his legs very bent. He can still jump well. He's acting like he doesn't feel well. This is the first time in a long time that he's been acting so poorly. I know he's recovered in the past from down times. It's so hard when your kitty doesn't feel well. We've been so lucky for the past year that we've had so few down times and I've been treasuring my time with him, but now I'm so sad again. Even if you think you've prepared yourself for bad times you haven't--I can't stop crying when I think about it.

At the beginning of May he was doing great. At the end of May he still was doing really well though he was starting to resist taking some of his meds. I made him an appointment for the vet then (but we had to wait 2 weeks). When we went to the vet (6/14) he was doing ok. Not walking poorly and I was surprised by his weight loss. In the last week he's become more resistant to his medicines and food (hence the addition of cypro). I just added some pumpkin (2 days ago) to help bind the calcium.

I don't know what else I should do.... I don't know if this is just a little dip and things will get better soon. I don't know if I should take him back to the vet right away for more blood work to try and determine the cause of the high calcium (potential causes; parathyroid problems, cancer, and idiopathic). Hobbes HATES the vet and he hates being poked and prodded (though he doesn't mind his fluids). He just gets so traumatized by the vet. I'm kind of thinking of waiting a few more days to see how he does with increased feedings (me really working on getting him to eat) and extra TLC and then going back to the vet if he doesn't seem to feel better soon.

July, 2004
Hobbes is eating a bit better. At times I think he's walking better and then other times I don't think so. I know his legs aren't as bent as they were in May when I was so worried about him, but his legs are still weak and wobbly in the back. He's eating his 1/4 cup of dry plus wet food 2-3 times a day. I have learned to set an oven timer for every hour when I'm home and offer him food (both wet and dry) every hour to try and get him to eat more. Before I was only offering him food 2-4 times a day and now it's much more frequent. It's amazing how fast hours go by though--scary in fact! We have a vet appointment on 7/16 and I will be curious to see if he's lost, gained or remained at the same weight. I've also given him cyproheptadine (an appetite stimulant for kitties) a few times.

After last month's scare I wrote an email to the CRF mailing list asking for suggestions and one member recommended that we look into calcitriol for Hobbes. We'll be doing an ionized calcium level test and taking a look at his PTH levels (parathyroid hormone). Calcitriol seems to be very good for many CRF kitties and I want to get Hobbes on it if it's appropriate.

I should add information about what Hobbes is doing with his medicines now. Since May it's been nearly impossible to get Hobbes to take his vitamins--everthing else is the same. He's taking Potassium well, his Norvasc well, and Lactulose ok, but most days he won't touch his Pet-tinic. I offer it to him every day and hope he'll take it, but most of the time he takes a lick or two (or none). Since I want him to eat as much as possible, I don't force him to eat the vitamins as that would make him mad and then he'd stop eating. His HCT stayed good last month after being off Pet-tinic for a couple of weeks so hopefully it will hold.

August, 2004
Where does the time go??? Hobbes went to the vet on 7/16 and we had his blood drawn for PTH, PTHrP and Ionized Calcium and all the usual stuff... He's pretty much the same on all of his blood work (creatinine was back down to 2.7 and his HCT stayed the same so not taking his vitamins isn't hurting anything). I was happy nothing looked significantly different, but baffled as to why he was acting so much worse.

His PTH and PTHrP came back at 0 and his Ionized Calcium came back HIGH. Because of this his vet doesn't want to put him on Calcitriol. I'm still reading about whether it makes sense or not, and I need to fax her some more information and talk with her some more. I want to do what is best for him. Calcitriol is "not standard treatment," but Hobbes is not your standard kitty. If it could help him I want to try it, but with his high calcium (which appears to be idiopathic most likely) Calcitriol might hurt, but it also might not.... Very complicated!

Hobbes had an eye infection (kitty pink eye) that started on 7/16, but the vet wanted to see if would clear up on it's own. It didn't, but a short course of Erythromycin (started 7/24) cleared it up--or so we thought. It came back and I just noticed it today (8/13).

This week, Hobbes seems to be feeling better. He's acting perkier, walking better and being snugglier. The one negative is that he's not eating well in the middle of the night so he's been throwing up in the morning. I've got to figure something out to help encourage him to eat more in the night. One night I gave him cypro (appetite stimulant) and he ate like crazy all night and then didn't throw up. One problem with cypro is that it tends to make him walk poorly so I don't like to give it to him. It definitely makes him eat though! Perhaps I should try 1/8th of a pill before bed tonight.

Hobbes gets his groove back (8/26/04).
For the last week or so I've been giving Hobbes a lot of wet food; one bowl (just one or two teaspoons) with his potassium, one with pumpkin and one either plain or with vitamins and he's been eating really well and acting like he feels better. My theory is that the pumpkin is helping bind some of the calcium and thus the improvement. Whatever it is, it's nice to see my boy feeling better! He's also not thrown up since I started doing the wet food with pumpkin (is it the pumpkin or just the wet food?). He also really "MEOWED" at me the other morning when I was really sleepy and he wanted to eat. I LOVED it! I love it when he's feeling well enough to complain. Hobbes can be a bit of curmudgeonly old guy sometimes, and I love it! (He's also the sweetest and most loving boy too so he's really a paradox.) His eye looks good now, but he's still on Erythromycin for the infection. He's had 10 days of 2x a day and 10 days (we're about 1/2 way through these last 10 days) of 1x a day.

I really want Hobbes to be happy and feel good (just as any kitty parent wants for their kitty). CRF is a roller coaster ride. We have been very lucky with Hobbes so far. He's definitely had more good days than bad days. He's defintely still getting older though. It's so hard on me when he starts to not feel well... It's just a bad day then. I get so sad. I always wonder if this is "the end." I'm not ready for the end... Of course, I never will be. You never are. No matter how much time you have to prepare, you never want them to go. He's such my boy and I love him so.

I've been wondering how many of his 9 lives we've used up. I've also been wondering if kitties can get "bonus lives." You know, like on video games, if you play well you get extra lives. I'm hoping that I've been a good kitty person and that we're getting extra lives. It sounds silly when I say it, but I do hope it. I do believe if Hobbes didn't get the care he gets that he wouldn't be around. I do also believe that Hobbes has to be willing to take the treatments too. If I had to pill him, he would have packed up and moved out a long time ago. He doesn't mind the poking (subQ fluids) at all--in fact he purrs. He doesn't mind the way I give him his medicines either (pills crushed in a bowl with water and covered with treats). When I give him his bowl of meds I tell him he needs to eat them because that's his part in this battle. I tell him he's my little kitty soldier and he has to keep fighting, that I can't fight it alone.

Argggh!
Of course, as soon as I say that he's eating well and not throwing up it all changes. I probably jinxed myself by writing that. He threw up two times (8/27 & 8/28) and today (8/29) he's not eating his wet food... Doing ok with the dry. I'm giving him today to not eat wet food, but tomorrow he's going to need to eat better! I weighed him last night and got a delta from my weight of 11.5... I usually get 10.5, sometimes 11, but 11.5 is GREAT!

It's all worth it
This morning I woke up with my sweet kitty rubbing his head against my chin. What a wonderful thing to have happen first thing in the morning. Love that boy! He seems to be feeling well today (8/31/04).

September, 2004
Most of this month Hobbes has been feeling great. He's been sleeping and snuggling with me a lot. It's so nice when he's annoying in the middle of the night or early morning... I love him! (That sounds funny, but I'm so glad he's here and I'm so glad he's feeling well enough to wake me up!)

We finished the eye medicine for his eye infection early this month and the infection seemed to be gone... Then yesterday (9/25) it was back. I couldn't call the vet yesterday because the practice is closed on Saturdays. I didn't want to take him to yet another vet so I stuck a little bit of the leftover antibiotic ointment in his eye. I'll call tomorrow and find out what we should do. Hobbes is eating a little less than he was. I weighed him today and got 10.5 and 11 today. I opened a can of salmon and mixed some juice in with his food--that perked his appetite. I don't like to perk him with cyproheptadine because it makes him walk worse than usual. He walks like an old kitty-man already and cypro makes him look, well, kind of like he's not longed for this world. It took me forever to figure out that when he was walking so terribly it was when I was cypro-ing him. Finally I made the correlation.

I still haven't done anything about calcitriol...If his calcium level is so high then Calcitriol might not be right for him... I would hate to make it higher. We'll see what it looks like next time we go to the vet and I'll talk to her again then about it.

November, 2004
Please pass the peas
Hobbes ate pumpkin for all of September and his eye infection cleared up totally after another 3 days of medicine! In October, I ran out of pumpkin and switched him to baby food peas because I had some. I worried (as I always do with a switch) that they wouldn't work as well. Needless worry as he seems to be doing just as well, and bonus he loves them... no actually he LOVES them. He eats peas and lactulose like it is the best thing. He eats peas, lactulose and a little water and no meaty treat. I find this highly amusing because, last time I checked, cats are carnivorous.

I finally made Hobbes another appointment check up. He goes in 12/3. I'll update his numbers then. I'm going to be very disappointed and surprised if his calcium isn't down a bit because he is acting so good. I love that boy! I did a phone consult with another vet about Calcitriol and confirmed that Hobbes is probably not a good candidate for it. His high calcium and 0 PTH makes it not a good idea.

Since I don't know when Hobbes's birthday is, I declared that Halloween was. Hence, in my book, he's now 18. He's probably 17.5, but who knows. I figured that Halloween was a great day for a black kitty to be born. We celebrated with a bit of extra snuggling and brushing. He already gets so many treats that it would be hard to give him more.

Throwing up seems to be a little less frequent, although we had one this past week that was the largest amount I've ever seen come from him. I think that he just over ate that day. That's a trick his brother does all the time. As a complete non sequiter (not that the rest of the update flows really well), Hobbes loves his little sister Kira. He really didn't like being near Natalie at all when she was little, but he snuggles with Kira when she's sleeping on our bed and he even stays near when she wakes up and tries to pull his ears, hair, tail. I don't let her, but he doesn't mind if she tries. I guess he knows what babies are now. With Natalie, she was so unknown, but now he is cool with them. Natalie loves to help me feed Hobbes. She also brings him toys and sets them right in front of his nose. She gets really excited if he plays with them, or even acknowledges them.

Keep your fingers crossed that the next vet visit brings good news!

December, 2004
Hobbes went to the vet on December 3 and his numbers came back GREAT! (Creatinine 2.4, BUN 37, Phosphorous 4.2, Potassium 4.4, HCT 30, ALT normal and AST normal!) The best news of all was that his ionized calcium level was in the normal range. It's all because of the peas I'm giving him! His vet was so shocked at how much better he was! Yay peas! His numbers are better than they were 1 year ago.... He's getting a little more support than he was one year ago (with the peas), but it's working :-).

The bad news was that the mass on his right kidney increased a bit in size. If it should stay the same size that it is now for a while then it's ok. If the growth of it accelerates, then that's NOT good. There's nothing we can do for it as we can't do surgery on him to remove the kidney (and we'd have to to remove the mass). We just have to hope that it doesn't grow more or that it doesn't interfere with anything...Because of its location if it grows or becomes more aggressive, it could grow into liver (bad), obstruct or put pressure on his stomach, do something to his adrenals, grow into the major vena cava which could cut off his blood supply to the lower half of his body.... All we can do is hope for the best. I think when the vet found it was 2.5 by 2.5 cm and now it's 2.5 x 3 cm. It's scary, but I'm just going to think positive. I'm so glad though that Hobbes is feeling good (he's acting like it!). Right now he's sitting beside me just purring away.

January, 2005
This whole month I've been worried about Hobbes. He hasn't been eating quite as much and he had another eye infection. At the beginning of the month I had a very disturbing dream that I can't even write about here because I don't want it to come true, or at least not all of it to come true... Only one piece of it can come true, but not the bad piece. I'll write about it later.

February, 2005
So far, the month hasn't been a good one for Hobbes and it's only the 2nd. Yesterday we took him to the vet and he had fluid on his lungs. The vet diagnosed him with Congestive Heart Failure (CHF). That was bad enough, but then she had the fluid analyzed and there were cancer cells in the fluid that she pulled from his chest. His prognosis is not looking good. I don't think I can subject him to chemo. His kidney values are still really good (after almost 2 years of being CRF Creatinine 2.5 and BUN 30, Phosphorous 4.4, Potassium 4.3, Total Calcium a little lower 11.4 and Ionized a little higher).

I wish we could go back to just "plain old CHF and CRF." It's amazing how good that diagnosis looks now compared to cancer. I've already cried buckets of tears the last couple of days... I've got the worst headache, and I don't know what to do. I love that boy of mine.

There's more to write, but I'm too tired to write it right now.

Oh, one really cute thing. On 1/31, I walked into our bedroom and found Hobbes asleep on the shirt I had just taken off. Of all the places on our bed he could have chosen to sleep, he chose to sleep snuggled with my shirt. Is he sweet or what?

2/4 More bad news
Unfortunately fluid has already started building up again. We went back for a re-check today. This is bad news. I haven't given him any sub-q fluids since we found out on Tuesday about the CHF. He needs his fluids because of the kidney failure, but since he has congestive heart failure, extra fluid causes his heart stress and his heart just can't keep up (hence the fluid build up.) (I learned that in heart failure, the fluid builds up because the heart can't keep up and pump the blood well enough so it puts pressure on the blood vessels and they leak. The fluid then accumulates--didn't know this before. Wish I wouldn't have had the opportunity to learn this)...

He's now home resting comfortably, and as soon as he starts to seem uncomfortable we'll have the vet come up to help him cross over. I have to go on a business trip on Monday (2/7) and I'm so worried about him. It doesn't seem like it's time for him to go yet though so I'm hoping he'll hang on and be ok while I'm gone. The good thing is that I will only be gone till Wednesday night. The vet thought we could have a week, two, maybe a month at the most.

He's still eating well, and walking around some, purring and snuggling (He is the BEST most snuggliest cat ever), so I hate to cut his time short. The vet did say though that at this point no day would be the wrong day. It's very very sad around here. Stressful too.

2/13
Hobbes is still hanging in here.... He has a lot of kitty spunk. He is taking his meds and though his breathing is a little heavy, it does not seem to be causing him discomfort. He's eating ok... some days are great and some days aren't so good. We're just keeping him as happy as we can and letting him eat lots of treats and whatever kind of food he wants. He's not moving off the bed except for visiting the litter box (just after I wrote that, he jumped off the bed and went looking for a new place to sleep... the chair in front of the tv). Last week while I was gone he did walk around the house some. Maybe he was looking for me :-). In some ways it's hard to watch him this way, but at times he looks down right perky and gives me cute kitty looks and snuggles, and I love seeing those looks and getting the head butts.

2/18/05 A new kitty angel
Hobbes is no longer with us. Even though he had a lot of kitty spunk, and I believe he didn't want to leave us, his little body wasn't cooperating. Congestive Heart Failure, Chronic Renal Failure, calcium oxalate bladder crystals, and cancer were just too much. On Tuesday (2/15) we had to have the vet come up and end the pain. I was so glad we didn't have to take him to the vet. I was so glad he got to hang out at home with us till she arrived.

I wrote last weekend about how he it seemed he had a lot of fight left.... His cattitude was still there, but his breathing was getting worse and worse. On Tuesday morning he was left breathless after drinking seven little licks out of the water bowl I had brought to him.

Monday night around 5:30 pm was the last time he ate/drank a decent amount. All Monday night I coaxed him with all the good things I had around and tried to get him to eat. I doubled his diuretic dose (after talking with our vet) hoping it would help him clear fluids off his lungs and give him a little more time. It didn't help. I didn't want to have the vet come too soon, but all the vets I had talked with said if he went into respiratory distress, he would suffer and basically suffocate.

He did a little panting on Tuesday morning and I knew that it wouldn't be too much longer before he was in severe respiratory distress. Hobbes left us at around 12:09 pm on Tuesday. He was laying in my lap.

I miss my Hobbes-kitty so very very much. He was my best kitty friend from March, 1989 - February, 2005. He was approximately 18 years old. I loved him so much. When he was younger he was so playful and funny... He would chase balls of wadded up paper and catch them like a baseball fielder. As he got older he became the world's most snuggly kitty. I'll be updating his web site and including a special memories section.

One of my favorite memories is when Catbert and Hobbes met for the first time.... Catbert was hissing and yowling at Hobbes. Hobbes was just checking out the place and he walked up to Catbert as Catbert was hissing and took his front paw and lightly batted Catbert on the nose as if to say, "yea, whatever, just chill." Catbert was a little taken aback. They did become fast friends. One of the last things Hobbes did on Tuesday morning was lick his brother and get his brother to lick him. So sweet.

I will always love you Hobbes!


March, 2005
3/6/05

Today is the first day I'm considering a "perfect" spring day (the weather is absolutely glorious) and it's sad as Hobbes LOVED to be outside on our deck on these kinds of days. He would have been so happy. I'm very sad that he isn't here to enjoy it.

I never wrote about the day after we lost Hobbes. We saw an African Grey in a cage. I walked up to him and said hello. He "meowed" at me. Twice. The sign above his cage said he liked to mimic cell phone sounds and make animal sounds. The rest of the time we were near him he never made a peep. I nearly cried when he meowed at me. I kept asking him if he was passing on a message from Hobbes. He just gave me a blank look. I'm not sure if I was comforted by the meow or not.

April, 2005
4/4/05 After Thoughts
I continue to wonder if I made the right decision... I don't think he would have lived very much longer, and at least I know he didn't suffer. I had a long time (nearly 2 years) to think about what I would do. At first, I couldn't imagine having him PTS, but as I read more and more about illness and death, I really couldn't imagine watching him suffer. I just didn't want to do it before I felt that we had exhausted every option and before my hope for him was gone.

With CRF, he probably would have just felt crummier (like having the flu) and then gotten weaker and the toxicity would have killed him... He probably wouldn't have been in horrible pain... just kind of felt crummy. My hope was that he would go quietly in the night snuggled up next to me. When we got the diagnosis of CHF (most likely partly due to his cancer), and when I saw his breathing getting worse and worse, I became worried that his death wouldn't be peaceful.

I had already thought about what "signs" I would look for .... What things would tell me that he was close to the end. He just looked so scared Tuesday morning when he began having trouble breathing. I didn't want him to be scared or to feel pain. Seeing him not able to eat or drink was a big sign to me. Seeing that he was filling up with fluids even though he was on a diuretic and not getting sub-q's was a sign. I would have gladly continued to bring him food and water every 2-4 hours around the clock if I would have thought that could have helped him... If he wouldn't have gotten worse, but he was getting weaker. I knew he was getting weaker. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew it. He didn't like it.

I think the only thing that made it somewhat easier was that I did have 2 years to think about it. It doesn't make it easier that he's gone. That will never be easy. The two years made it a little easier to make tough decisions at the end.

The whole disease of CRF was about making decisions though...I made one decision early on--I would only do treatment that wouldn't stress him. When I found out that he had a mass on his kidney, I cried buckets because I knew that if it were cancer, I couldn't do chemo. I think there are some cats who do wonderful with chemo. I don't think Hobbes would have. He HATED (caps and bold--that is true hate) going to the vet. (He would throw up on the way to the vet every time. On the way home, he'd often have dry heaves. Not fun.) I chose early on to let what might have been cancer go. Do I regret it? No. On chemo he would have had to go to the vet 1-2 times a week during the treatment. He would have had to be on treatment for who knows how long (the entirety of the rest of his life?)... Would it have given him more time? I don't know. Thet vet imagined chemo would have given him at most a year more. But would it have been quality time? Doubtful because every time he went to the vet he was "discombobulated" for a day or so. It would have been so hard on him. He would have been stressed. I would have been stressed. We wouldn't have been able to just hang and lay around and snuggle.

What about sub-q's? Was giving him sub-q's everyday the right thing to do? He had so many issues that I think it was. The sub-q's helped his kidneys clear him out. His kidney values were always really low, and I think it was because of the help we gave him by giving him the fluids. The sub-q's were also good to prevent the calcium oxalate crystals in his bladder from causing problems. They weren't good for his heart though. Or was it not the fluids that caused problems... Could it have been CHF because the cancer was starting to cause him to fill up with fluids and then his heart had to work harder to try and clear it off... I'll never know unfortunately. I feel like he had almost 2 really good years.

I was always thankful that he was so stable. I didn't have to deal with too many ups and downs... a few, but most days I felt like he was "fine." Fine with an asterisk. He was a kitty with CRF, but he was doing pretty darn good.

I miss that boy so much. My pillow no longer has a pillow warmer. I am no longer lulled to sleep by sweet purring. I no longer have a soft black kitty to snuggle with. I no longer have someone to cook chicken or turkey for. When I do cook chicken or turkey for us, I no longer have to cook my chicken or turkey without spices because he can't have those spices. I wish I had to make bland chicken or turkey. I find myself continually looking for him. He's not here. The place is missing a black kitty.

May, 2005
5/10/05 More Thoughts
This weekend we went to a pet store to buy Catbert some litter. You sure go through litter a lot slower when you don't have a CRF kitty. I wish we were going through it VERY fast still. Anyway, there was an adoption fair for kitties that day. There was an all black female there. She was pretty and sleek, but she wasn't Hobbes. Our eyes locked, but there wasn't a spark. She made me miss my boy so much. I didn't cry in the store, but I had to stick my sunglasses on so that the tears welling up in my eyes couldn't be seen.

Other people may think I'm silly for loving that boy so much, but he was with me for so long and through so much. How could I not love him so much?

His ashes are sitting on our dining room table. I need to find the perfect sunny spot for them. I can't really put them in the spots where he used to nap because that would either be the back of the couch or the floor in the sun. I think maybe I'll put him in the office window that catches the early morning sun.

November, 2005
Wow. The six month anniversary of Hobbes's passing came and went (8/15). Hobbes's new little sister (our 3rd little girl) was born (8/18). I was sure she was going to be born on 8/15 because of him.

I never wrote about this before because it was too hard. Before I knew Hobbes was sick with congestive heart failure, but after I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd baby, I had a dream... I dreamt that Hobbes told me he wasn't going to live out the rest of 2005 and that he said he had arranged for this new baby because I would need another baby to take care of when he was gone. I was totally freaked by the dream. A month and 1/2 later, he died. I do feel that somehow the new little girl and Hobbes are connected. Just as he and I are connected. Since she's been here, she has comforted me. I call her "precious precious" and that was one of his nicknames. I tried calling the other two girls that nickname, but it never worked. For this little girl, it works. Also, when I was in the hospital with her, I saw this. It was a paint chip in the hospital bathroom. To my eye it looks like the outline of a cat face and I took it as a sign that Hobbes was giving his blessing.

Oh, we also moved. We still have a lot of unpacked boxes because we're actually moving again. We had movers pack us and they packed Hobbes's ashes. I was so sad. I missed him and wanted to find him. One night when I was searching through boxes looking for him. After looking through 10 or so boxes with no luck, I was about to give up. I decided to look in just one more box.

It was bigger than the others and harder to look through because there was so much stuff in it. I was just about to give up looking in it because it was so hard to dig in when I heard a "meow." It was just a meow from a toy, but I knew as soon as I heard the meow that it was a sign from my kitty to keep looking in that box. Sure enough, I dug a little deeper and there were his ashes.

I sound like a nutcase writing about these things. The logical rational side of me can say it's coincidence and I'm adding the superstitious signficance to it because I loved my kitty beyond belief. However, the part of me that loved my kitty beyond belief doesn't want to be logical and rational about it. It's comforting to me to think that part of him is still with me. Of course he is still with me in my heart. He was and always will be my true kitty love.

I'll close with some movies of Hobbes as a young-ish guy. I miss my boy!


Kitties play (1/2001)
Hobbes catching (10/2000)


February, 2006
Originally posted somewhere else, but it is mine.

The tears start and you just can't stop them. The tears aren't even about what you thought was stressing you. The tears are about your wonderful kitty who has been gone for almost a year. Who you miss so much. You know there are a few people out there who understand how much "just a cat" could mean to you, but they are few and far between.

You started crying because you read a post on an email list from someone who had his kitty put to sleep six months ago. He writes that he thinks he gave up on his kitty before his kitty was ready to go. It touches a nerve. You have wondered the same. Because you had your kitty put to sleep you will always wonder if you gave up sooner than your kitty wanted you to. Your husband tells you no you didn't. Your friend who saw your kitty the day he was put to sleep also tells you it was the right time.

You comfort yourself by thinking that you chose to have him put to sleep only 3 days before he would have died if you'd have let nature take its course. You think it was 3 days earlier than he would have died on his own because you think that Tia was born exactly 6 months after he should have died.

Tia was born on the 18th 6 months after he died on the 15th. You completely thought Tia was going to be born on the 15th, and when she wasn't you decided it was because she and your kitty have a connection and he wanted her to be born on the day he would have died naturally.

That's why you think it was only 3 days sooner than he would have died if you'd left him alone. You think he had Tia born on the day he should have died and then sent a message telling you that because of a kitty face you saw in a paint chip while you were in the hospital after you had Tia.

You tell yourself you didn't cheat him out of 3 days of life. You tell yourself that he would have been in agony. He was suffering from congestive heart failure with pleural effusion plus chronic renal failure. You had given him around the clock care for the last 3 weeks of his life and lots of other care for the last 2 years. You were willing to spend any amount of money to help him, and the vet knew that, but even she said it was time to let him go too. You tell yourself it's okay because putting him to sleep was painless for him. Part of you believes it. All of you misses him.

Last updated 2/16/2006




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