New Week - New Fears
I am halfway done with CHOBC. The first six weeks
are done and the next have arrived. Now I have new monsters floating about in my
head. I used to fear that I couldn't do the PT or handle the gas - now I am
worried about doing my job. There is a great deal of fear associated with
striking out on your own. Up to this point in my life I have been under someone
else's authority and thus their protection. Its their problem if I mess up. Not
so any longer. I was operating under a kind of arrogance that said in effect,
"God needs me to go to Iraq - there is nothing that could happen between now and
then that can keep that from happening. I can pretty much do whatever I want b/c
I am going to Iraq." How quickly that can change!
Now its my responsibility. I have about 800
soldiers in my battalion. 800. It hit me after I was approved by the board. Its
for real now. No more playing soldier. I am under authority, but now I must
perform. There are a plethora of cliche religious statements that I would give
someone else in my position that simply do not cut mustard today. Last night I
tossed and turned as my heart was just burdened by the upcoming responsibility.
I think that the issue is the fact
that the only clog in the wheels of this train of ministry is me. I can point to
so many circumstances working out so well and with such perfect timing for this
ministry to happen. I can only assume that this will continue to happen in the
future. Thus the only one in the picture that can make this not happen is me. I
can mess up and cause the failure of the whole. I am the weakest link. The
answer to this of course is that where I am weak then He is strong. The catch is
that I have to rely on that strength. Now, I have to pose the question as to how
exactly that is done? I know I should have a handle on this and I believe that I
do; its just that the question of how this works in reality as opposed to the
aspirational ideal is much more difficult. There is the fundamental point that I
am the one that makes the decisions. I am the one that must make the choices. I
look to God and follow guidance as written in the Word, however, there is a
level on which those guiding principles operate that they stop at the general
and the specifics are up to the chooser.
This is where the idea of relying on
God's strength breaks down. On some level you have to make the difficult choice.
You have to make the conscience effort to make something happen. Here is where
the whole plan is fallible. I can have everything working for me and make a bad
choice, thus destroying any possibility of future ministry. This happens all the
time - a man or woman has been placed by God to do a work. They make a foolish
decision that costs them their freedom to minister. They may offend with their
speech, misappropriate funds, lose their family etc. All of these occasions are
just choices on some level. This is where the mortal affects the divine plan.
Its what keeps me from becoming a ardent Calvinist.
Ah, the therapy of writing. Getting
the question out there makes thinking about it so much easier. I would say that
depending on God is: (and I hate using this but it really fits the bill)
"Working as if it all depends on you and praying as if it all depends on God."
How that works itself out is different in each situation. I am not sure how God
does His thing and where my own responsibility steps in but I do believe that it
is a part of the ministry and life to which God has called me. This is how I
would advise another in my shoes.
I
feel better already.
Posted: Tue - February 22, 2005 at 11:17 AM