Limbo forever!
The New York Times reported recently that the Catholic Church may
abolish Limbo, which apparently has never been officially part of Catholic
doctrine. This is bad news for the Church, as I am about to
explain.
It is a little known fact that I have an eight year advanced degree in theology from the now defunct Our Lady of Sorrows Grammar School. I can therefore speak on this subject with an expertise I honestly can't bring to political subjects, where basically I just wing it.
What I am about to say will come as no surprise to my fellow members (current and former) of the One True Church, but for all of you Protestants, Jews, etc. (nothing personal, but all of you are going to Hell by the way) I need to explain two basic concepts: the soul and sin.
You can think of the soul as a big white sheet hanging from a line. Really, that's all there is to it for now.
Sin is a bit more complicated. There are three types of sin. First, there's Original Sin. This is a free sin God gives you when you're born, even though you haven't done anything yet. So, when you're born, your sheet is a light shade of gray. The only way to get it to turn white is to be baptized into the One True Church. Well, it's actually a bit more complicated than that. For theological and historical reasons that I won't get into, you can also get your sheet white by being baptized into some not so true churches, such as the Greek Orthodox Church and, believe it or not, the Anglican Church. But other Protestant baptisms don't count at all, and as for Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, etc., well, they can just forget it.
The next kind of sin is Mortal Sin. Mortal Sin turns your sheet all black. Killing is a mortal sin. So is missing Mass, if you're Catholic. (At least it was, when I went to Catholic school. ). In fact, there are a lot more mortal sins for members of the One True Church than for heathens, which, as you will see, is an important theological point.
The next kind of Sin is venial sin. Venial sins are like bird droppings on your sheet. They get it all dirty and they're a nuisance to get off, but they don't cause any permanent harm, if by permanent you mean eternal.
So, that's it for Sin.
Now, there are four places you can go after you die, and we need each and every one of them, as I'm about to prove.
First, there's Hell. Anyone is eligible to go to Hell, baptized or not. You go there if your sheet is black when you die. Adolph Hitler went there, unless he made a sincere act of contrition right after he pulled the trigger. If your sheet is white, but then you miss Mass (and you're Catholic) and get killed by a meteor before you can get to confession you also go to Hell. Sad, but true. (All hypotheticals pre-tested at Our Lady of Sorrows ) Truth be told, most of us end up in Hell, since it's the easiest place to get in to. People in hell suffer eternal torment. So don't miss Mass, or if you do, watch out for meteors.
On the other end of the scale is Heaven. In Heaven you sit at the right hand of God and experience eternal bliss. I don't know why no one sits on his left, but they don't. You're only eligible to get into Heaven if your sheet is white when you die. But remember, everyone starts off with a gray sheet, and the only way to get it white is by being baptized by the One True Church or one of the not so true Churches that have been given a bye. Then, you have to make sure that your sheet is white when you die. How do you get the dirt out? By going to confession, or, in a pinch, making a sincere act of Contrition (remember Hitler?). The truth of the matter is that getting directly into Heaven is really like winning the lottery. What are the chances you won't have a few venial sins on your soul when you die? Basically, you have to get hit by a meteor just as you're leaving the confessional. Think about it. Well-don't think, because you may be sinning. If you have impure thoughts, you get your sheet dirty. (It appears to be okay to think about killing someone, as that's not impure, but thinking about having sex with them will definitely do you in. As you can see, this pretty much does in all of us men, who studies show can't go more than five minutes without an impure thought. I can't speak for you gals). So, really, it's totally impractical to think about getting into heaven first thing, but luckily there's one more way to get your sheet white, and that's by going to:
Purgatory. You're eligible for Purgatory if you've been baptized and your sheet isn't black. My advice, as a theologian, is that you shoot for Purgatory, being as it's doable for most of us. You can have as many venial sins as you want, and still get in. Then, you just have to endure an eternity of torment. That gets your sheet white and you get into Heaven. By the way, eternity is shorter in Purgatory than in Hell. In Purgatory, eternity only lasts until the end of the Universe (projected at only several billion more years). I know it seems a bit unreasonable that you have to endure billions of years of pain for having an impure thought or (in the olden days) eating meat on Friday, but who are we to question a loving God? Eternity in Hell lasts even longer. Also, you have to stay for eternity no matter what (even one venial sin will do it) but they turn the heat down if you only have a few, so Purgatory is definitely a good deal, compared to Hell anyway. So, that's my advice. Shoot for Purgatory.
As you can see if you think about it, there's lots of people who don't qualify for any of those three places. What about aborted fetuses and babies that die before they can get baptized? What about people who were born into savage tribes in Africa and never even heard of Jesus but still don't have a black sheet. (A favorite hypothetical at Our Lady of Sorrows). What about people who were born before Jesus even lived whose sheets weren't black? Even Medieval philosophers couldn't bring themselves to believe that a loving God would send those people to Hell, but clearly, being unbaptized, there's no way they can go to Heaven or even to Purgatory. That's why we need Limbo.
Limbo has some very good points. You don't have to endure torment, even for a minute. On the other hand, you never get to sit on the right hand of God and be eternally happy. Basically, you are eternally bored. Here's the way Dante saw it:
Basically, a bunch of Greeks sitting around talking philosophy. Boring, right? They look bored, anyway. On the other hand, I always thought of it as more like the Phantom Zone from the Superman Comics and movies:
We do know it's definitely not like this:
If we get rid of Limbo, where do we send these people? We can't send them to Hell, can we? Christ, if even Thomas Aquinas couldn't send them there it's just not likely Pope Benedict can. Even he couldn't be that big a bastard. So that leaves Purgatory and Heaven. And those are out of the question if we want to keep the Church in business. Remember, give or take a few billion years of excruciating torment, Purgatory is really the same as Heaven. If we let them in there, what good is it being Catholic? It's even worse when you consider that since we Catholics have more occasions of sin, (more Mortal Sins, tons more venial sins) our odds of going to Hell are much higher than Limbo eligible people. If all those people go to Heaven, even if they have to go through Purgatory first, Catholics will become a distinct minority in Heaven.
This may sound okay to you non-Catholics, but it's just plain theologically unacceptable. That would mean Jesus died to enhance the chances that his own true followers would go to Hell. Does that make sense to you?
I think that once the Vatican considers my views, it will end all of this talk. I'm glad I could help.
It is a little known fact that I have an eight year advanced degree in theology from the now defunct Our Lady of Sorrows Grammar School. I can therefore speak on this subject with an expertise I honestly can't bring to political subjects, where basically I just wing it.
What I am about to say will come as no surprise to my fellow members (current and former) of the One True Church, but for all of you Protestants, Jews, etc. (nothing personal, but all of you are going to Hell by the way) I need to explain two basic concepts: the soul and sin.
You can think of the soul as a big white sheet hanging from a line. Really, that's all there is to it for now.
Sin is a bit more complicated. There are three types of sin. First, there's Original Sin. This is a free sin God gives you when you're born, even though you haven't done anything yet. So, when you're born, your sheet is a light shade of gray. The only way to get it to turn white is to be baptized into the One True Church. Well, it's actually a bit more complicated than that. For theological and historical reasons that I won't get into, you can also get your sheet white by being baptized into some not so true churches, such as the Greek Orthodox Church and, believe it or not, the Anglican Church. But other Protestant baptisms don't count at all, and as for Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, etc., well, they can just forget it.
The next kind of sin is Mortal Sin. Mortal Sin turns your sheet all black. Killing is a mortal sin. So is missing Mass, if you're Catholic. (At least it was, when I went to Catholic school. ). In fact, there are a lot more mortal sins for members of the One True Church than for heathens, which, as you will see, is an important theological point.
The next kind of Sin is venial sin. Venial sins are like bird droppings on your sheet. They get it all dirty and they're a nuisance to get off, but they don't cause any permanent harm, if by permanent you mean eternal.
So, that's it for Sin.
Now, there are four places you can go after you die, and we need each and every one of them, as I'm about to prove.
First, there's Hell. Anyone is eligible to go to Hell, baptized or not. You go there if your sheet is black when you die. Adolph Hitler went there, unless he made a sincere act of contrition right after he pulled the trigger. If your sheet is white, but then you miss Mass (and you're Catholic) and get killed by a meteor before you can get to confession you also go to Hell. Sad, but true. (All hypotheticals pre-tested at Our Lady of Sorrows ) Truth be told, most of us end up in Hell, since it's the easiest place to get in to. People in hell suffer eternal torment. So don't miss Mass, or if you do, watch out for meteors.
On the other end of the scale is Heaven. In Heaven you sit at the right hand of God and experience eternal bliss. I don't know why no one sits on his left, but they don't. You're only eligible to get into Heaven if your sheet is white when you die. But remember, everyone starts off with a gray sheet, and the only way to get it white is by being baptized by the One True Church or one of the not so true Churches that have been given a bye. Then, you have to make sure that your sheet is white when you die. How do you get the dirt out? By going to confession, or, in a pinch, making a sincere act of Contrition (remember Hitler?). The truth of the matter is that getting directly into Heaven is really like winning the lottery. What are the chances you won't have a few venial sins on your soul when you die? Basically, you have to get hit by a meteor just as you're leaving the confessional. Think about it. Well-don't think, because you may be sinning. If you have impure thoughts, you get your sheet dirty. (It appears to be okay to think about killing someone, as that's not impure, but thinking about having sex with them will definitely do you in. As you can see, this pretty much does in all of us men, who studies show can't go more than five minutes without an impure thought. I can't speak for you gals). So, really, it's totally impractical to think about getting into heaven first thing, but luckily there's one more way to get your sheet white, and that's by going to:
Purgatory. You're eligible for Purgatory if you've been baptized and your sheet isn't black. My advice, as a theologian, is that you shoot for Purgatory, being as it's doable for most of us. You can have as many venial sins as you want, and still get in. Then, you just have to endure an eternity of torment. That gets your sheet white and you get into Heaven. By the way, eternity is shorter in Purgatory than in Hell. In Purgatory, eternity only lasts until the end of the Universe (projected at only several billion more years). I know it seems a bit unreasonable that you have to endure billions of years of pain for having an impure thought or (in the olden days) eating meat on Friday, but who are we to question a loving God? Eternity in Hell lasts even longer. Also, you have to stay for eternity no matter what (even one venial sin will do it) but they turn the heat down if you only have a few, so Purgatory is definitely a good deal, compared to Hell anyway. So, that's my advice. Shoot for Purgatory.
As you can see if you think about it, there's lots of people who don't qualify for any of those three places. What about aborted fetuses and babies that die before they can get baptized? What about people who were born into savage tribes in Africa and never even heard of Jesus but still don't have a black sheet. (A favorite hypothetical at Our Lady of Sorrows). What about people who were born before Jesus even lived whose sheets weren't black? Even Medieval philosophers couldn't bring themselves to believe that a loving God would send those people to Hell, but clearly, being unbaptized, there's no way they can go to Heaven or even to Purgatory. That's why we need Limbo.
Limbo has some very good points. You don't have to endure torment, even for a minute. On the other hand, you never get to sit on the right hand of God and be eternally happy. Basically, you are eternally bored. Here's the way Dante saw it:
Basically, a bunch of Greeks sitting around talking philosophy. Boring, right? They look bored, anyway. On the other hand, I always thought of it as more like the Phantom Zone from the Superman Comics and movies:
We do know it's definitely not like this:
If we get rid of Limbo, where do we send these people? We can't send them to Hell, can we? Christ, if even Thomas Aquinas couldn't send them there it's just not likely Pope Benedict can. Even he couldn't be that big a bastard. So that leaves Purgatory and Heaven. And those are out of the question if we want to keep the Church in business. Remember, give or take a few billion years of excruciating torment, Purgatory is really the same as Heaven. If we let them in there, what good is it being Catholic? It's even worse when you consider that since we Catholics have more occasions of sin, (more Mortal Sins, tons more venial sins) our odds of going to Hell are much higher than Limbo eligible people. If all those people go to Heaven, even if they have to go through Purgatory first, Catholics will become a distinct minority in Heaven.
This may sound okay to you non-Catholics, but it's just plain theologically unacceptable. That would mean Jesus died to enhance the chances that his own true followers would go to Hell. Does that make sense to you?
I think that once the Vatican considers my views, it will end all of this talk. I'm glad I could help.
Posted: Thursday - December 29, 2005 at 03:35 PM
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