Do you remember the songs they played at your high school senior prom? No? Well, consider yourself lucky, because if you did, you'd be appalled at how awful they now sound. I know this, because every dreadful, romantic song of my childhood can be heard nearly every day in China. The Chinese love old American songs. This is not necessarily a bad thing; I'll admit to tuning into a Classic Hits station on the car radio back home now and then. But the songs that the Chinese choose to listen to make the average oldies station in the US sound like esoteric, cutting-edge college radio programming.

When have you last heard "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree"? Or "You Light Up My Life"? What about "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden"? All of these are part of the incessant soundtrack heard in departments stores, restaurants, and clothing shops in China. It almost makes me nostalgic for Muzak.

Forgive me for reminding you of some of the duds we hear here. When I was a kid, there was a big hit on Mom And Dad radio called "The Battle of New Orleans" by an idiot named Johnny Horton ("In 1814 we took a little trip. Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mis-si-sip ") It took coming to China to discover that he recorded more than this one piece of crap. His hits include "North To Alaska", "Whispering Pines", and "The Mansion You Stole." He's huge over here. (The poor fool is probably dead by now, but if he's not, based on the jingoism of his songs, fame in Communist China would be enough to put him over the edge.)

His legacy is guaranteed, because his songs are part of an anthology called "The Best Selections of English Lyrical Songs." This is a cassette/songbook combination that is revered by the students of English here. In this collection you can find all of the above mentioned songs as well as such painful memories as "Song Sung Blue", "Green, Green Grass of Home", and "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head." It breaks my heart to realize that this is what 1.3 billion people think of when they imagine American music.

Never mind Falun Gong, the real evil cult in China is the one that worships Karen Carpenter. You can buy copies of the Carpenter's Greatest Hits in any music store. Bootleg videos of her concert performances circulate like underground editions of "The Gulag Archipelago." I think the Chinese believe that, instead of having the Nobel Literature Prize given to Gao Xingjian, it should have been awarded to Karen Carpenter. Surely "We've Only Just Begun" is superior to Gao's difficult "Soul Mountain." Carpenter's oeuvre has its avant guarde elements too, but the songbook helps you over them. "Every sha-la-la, every wo-wo still shines" is reinterpreted as "Every note (of the songs) makes me feel good."

They manage to find the most sappy and saccharine song from every artist's career. I happen to love Ray Charles, but why did they have to represent him with "I Can't Stop Loving You"? Whatever you think of Elvis, would you have chosen "Love Me Tender" as the one tune to associate with him? As depressing as it is for me to peruse this anthology, what's most tragic is that the Chinese *love* these songs. A student once sang "Love Me Tender" for my benefit at an English Corner and when he finished, there were tears in his eyes! They have some vague idea of who Elvis is, but forget about "Hound Dog" or anything remotely rockabilly. I had a teacher, translating from Chinese, ask me why Elvis is know as the "cat king." I puzzled over this for some time before realizing that it must have been meant to convey something hip like "King of the Cats." But it got a little mangled in the translation.

Deb's college-age Chinese tutor can spend hours discussing the beauty and philosophical depth of "Puff The Magic Dragon." Jackie Papers is clearly an allusion to the untouched purity of a child's mind. And Puff represents the innocence of youth which must disappear over time. Blah, blah, blah. I confess that my friends and I engaged in the same kinds of speculative musing in my day, although usually we had the excuse that we were stoned, and what we were trying to determine was whether in fact Paul was dead.

The songbooks provide a more academic angle on the music, as they publish explanatory comments along with the lyrics - Cliff Notes for popular music. Let's say you're having trouble with the song "Yesterday Once More." (That would be trouble interpreting the lyrics, not trouble staying in the room while the song plays for the hundredth time.) Well, you can flip past the music page to read that "Just like before, it's yesterday once more" means, "I'm transported back into the past." And in case you're not sure about the word "transported" you get this example sentence: "The goods were transported from the factory to the station." To clarify the phrase "melt the years away" consider that "You can use this organic solvent to melt these little particles away."

Even something as frivolous as the "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" does not escape scrutiny. Only in the People's Republic would the line - "Two, three, four, -- stick around we'll tell you more" serve as an opportunity to proclaim "I stick to my opinion that women should get the same salary as men." Or "She was afraid to come out in the open." Obviously, that is similar to this sample: "The political scandal was in the open after the press received a tip from an anonymous caller." That's what I was thinking of when I imagined a woman in a tiny bikini, weren't you?

A cassette recording of "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" once played in heavy rotation during a six hour bus ride, giving me reason to believe that the Chinese are working on modern alternatives to their classic water torture. It was in a batch of songs covered by Chinese bands that also included "Kung Fu Fighting." I wonder if they had any idea what they were saying when they sang about "funky Chinamen, from funky Chinatown."

Being ignorant of the meaning of the lyrics could go a long way to explaining why so many people here (most of whom understand no English) enjoy these songs so much. I believe that I was on the opposite side of this misguided appreciation when I fell in love with a song here called "Jiu Mei." It sounded so spirited and lively; so authentically Chinese. When I started asking our Chinese friends more about it, I got these puzzled looks. They couldn't quite understand my attraction to what they considered a pretty lightweight (to be polite), or frankly, stupid song. I tried to explain how it represented for me the traditional village life, the timeless folk beliefs, an eternal story of love. Blah, blah, blah. While in my mind the tune compared favorably with "What'd I Say", to them it was more the equivalent of "Oh Susanna" (which also happens to be very popular here.)

Deb has taken a liking to Chinese patriotic music. As far as I can tell, this is not some post-modern ironic appreciation, like a love of 50's lounge music; she really enjoys the stuff. When she goes into music stores and buys these corny old tapes and CDs, the staff gives her the look you'd expect to get if you went into Tower Records and bought up every recording of Kate Smith singing "God Bless America."

So there's no accounting for taste. And when the star of the CCTV New Year's television extravaganza is an Abba tribute band, I try to smile and imagine that they are singing in Swedish.