In my speaking class for undergraduates, I have two inseparable students whose English names are Max and Forrest. I will call them boys because that is how they refer to themselves. In China, it seems that people are called a "boy" or a "girl" certainly until they are married, but more probably until they they have become parents. Bailongsi's ingenuish dressmaker is always called "the girl who sews" even though she is 33.

But getting back to the topic, Max initially caught my attention because I couldn't understand anything he said. Maybe it was mutual. However, Max is a quick learner and a hard worker, and he's not shy about talking. He has become one of my success stories.

I immediately noticed Forrest because he has the hair of Elvis Presley and the muscles of Arnold Schwartzenegger. Okay, not Schwartzenegger, but at a college in which most of the young men have smaller biceps than I do, the results of Forrest's weight lifting catches your eye. Also, until it got colder, his regular outfit consisted of a wife-beater undershirt and unzipped grey sweatshirt, the better to flaunt his pecs. Forrest is the only student here who could even remotely be considered a hunk. Max is not unattractive, but when it comes to female attention he inevitably plays second fiddle to Forrest.

I often start the class by assigning a topic for small group discussion. The very first time we did this, the question was, "If your group had to spend the rest of your lives together on a desert island, decide what three things you would bring with you." When it was time for each group to report, most had decided to bring a knife and matches. There was less consensus about the third item. Some wanted to bring water desalination machines while others wanted books. Max, however, reported that he, Forrest, and their third sidekick, Shawn, had decided, "We bring gun to kill animal for food. Second, we bring jeep. Maybe animal is dangerous, then we jump in jeep and drive away. Third, we bring beautiful girl."

"Max," I said, "the three of you are going to share one girl?"

He considered this for a moment and replied, "I hope she fall in love with me."

I said, "Maybe she will, but then I think Forrest will try to drive away with her in the jeep and Shawn will shoot the jeep's tires so he can have the girl. The three of you will always be fighting!"

Long pause. "I will choose fall in love with me before go to island girl. I do not think she want to go with Forrest."

I had my doubts about that, but sometimes it's better to keep quiet.

Another time the discussion question was, "If you knew you had six months to live, how would you spend those months?" Many students wanted to return home to their families, some wanted to travel, and a surprising number wanted to go off to the forest to spend their final days communing with nature. When I called on Max, he pointed to his nose and said, "Me?" Instead of pointing to one's chest as a sign of identification as we do in North America, the Chinese point squarely to their own noses, so I have seen this gesture before, but no one does it as often as Max does. Max rose to respond, "If I have six months to live, I want to find girlfriend. I must fall in love before die."

Max is as romantic as any teenaged girl in America.

The waiban staff live in mortal fear that some misfortune will befall the foreigners under their care, and have determined that it is not safe for me to walk home from campus alone at night. Forrest and Max have become my designated escorts. Let me point out that violent street crime is very rare in China, and the penalty for assaulting a foreigner is the kind of punishment that gives China a bad human rights record. As far as I can tell, the greatest danger on the walk home is inadvertently bumping into a wandering goat or stepping in a mud puddle on the dirt road. It strikes me as very ironic that two boys from rural China are supposed to protect a street-savvy urban American who is accustomed to walking and biking at night. But I can't refuse without hurting their feelings, and besides, I get a kick out the conversations we have.

One night, Forrest asked, "Mrs. Goodman, Americans do not eat dogs?"

"That's right, we never eat dog," I assured him.

"But why? It is very delicious."

"Well," I said, "many Americans have dogs for pets. They really love dogs. Eating a dog would feel like eating a child."

"You also do not eat rats?"

"Never!" I tried not to gag at the thought.

"But you do not love rats."

"That's right. We hate rats so much that the idea of eating one is really horrible."

"I see, " said Forrest. "You only eat animals you like a little bit."

Another time, we discussed a very different kind of food. Max asked, "Mrs. Goodman, did you know Beijing Road has a church?" I acknowledged that I'd seen it, but never been inside. "People say in church they eat God Food."

"What?" I initially thought he said "God Fruit," and wondered if this was some delicacy I'd missed in the market.

"God Food."

Upon closer questioning, it turned out that what he called God Food we call Holy Communion. I proceeded to explain the ritual, and I must say, when you try to explain perfectly common western sacraments to people in other cultures, they sure do sound worthy of National Geographic.

Because the class is large, I usually have the students work in pairs. Sometimes I give them the first two lines of a dialogue and they must create and perform the rest of the conversation. One night, the card I gave Max said, "What are you doing with that? It's mine!" Forrest's response was to be, "No it's not. It's mine." The boys waved me over. "Can 'it' be a girlfriend?" asked Forrest.

"Sure, "I said, "but then think about changing the pronoun. You do not want to call a girlfriend 'it.'"

Max and Forrest came to the front of the classroom to perform their dialogue. Before they uttered a word, Forrest took my arm in his and swept me towards the door. "What are you doing with her? She's mine!" cried Max in anguish.

"No, she's not. She's mine," said Forrest with a sneer. "Come, darling, we go to expensive restaurant have candles, wine, very romantic evening."

"But she is my girlfriend! I love her! Why you take her?" wailed Max.

"She is not your girlfriend. Do not bother us. Go away." Forrest turned to me and said, "Darling, do you know that boy?"

It was my turn to be speechless!

After I taught the class to sing "Oh Susanna," I asked each pair of students to imagine that one of them was Susanna and the other was the singer who had spent twenty years searching for her. Their conversation was to take place when the singer finally found Susanna. It was easy for me to guess in the Forrest-Max pair that Max would be consigned to the female role.

"Darling, darling, Susanna, I look for you twenty years, I don't believe I finally see you," exclaimed Forest, passionately.

"Me?" Max pointed to his nose.

"Susanna, don't tell me you do not know me. I spend my life, twenty years, looking for you!"

"I am not Susanna. You are wrong," said Max, shaking off Forrest's hands.

"Susanna, do not tell me that! You lie, I do know you! We together be very happy."
Forrest tried to embrace Max.

"No, no! Tell me, your Susanna is boy or girl?" asked Max.

"Is girl!"

"See? You are wrong!" Max announced, triumphantly. "I am boy!"

Another group dialogue involved two distraught parents, a police officer, and the two kidnappers. Max and Forrest played the criminals.

"One million dollars!" Forrest shouted into the imaginary phone. "One million dollars you give us or we kill your baby."

The parents pleaded that although they didn't have a million dollars, they would give their life savings for the return of their child.

"Not enough. You must give one million dollars," Forrest insisted.

"Forrest?" said Max, looking affectionately at the ballpoint pen that represented the kidnapped child. "Forget money. I like this baby very much. He is very beautiful. Why we not keep him?"

"Max, are you crazy? We want money, not baby!"

"I think I want baby" Max scrunched up his face and made kissing noises to the ballpoint pen. "Look, he is very nice. He sing 'Oh, Susanna' and 'You Are my Sunshine.' I think this baby make me very happy. Hang up the telephone. We now must give baby food ."

Maybe Max is right. Maybe when he finally finds a girlfriend, she won't run off with Forrest, pecs, biceps and all.