I wrote this piece a while ago and have no real idea now what I was on about. My mom thinks it's "macabre" and "funny in places" - which, when you take off the mom filter means almost completely unfunny and stupid. In any case, I tightened it up a bit and present it now for your reading pleasure. And what the hell does she know anyways? Jeesh!
(At what point does publicly misquoting your only active audience member, and one of a handful of people on the planet who honestly love you become self destructive? Let's find out together!)

To help you organize your plan here are the five simple rules to Faking Your Own Death.

Rule one: You can fool some of the people all of the time, you can fool all of the people some of the time, you can fool all of the people all of the time, and you can fool some of the people some of the time. The important thing to remember is that you are trying to fool people.

Rule two: Some people are easier to fool than others. Here's a simple chart to use as a guideline. Of course there are more people you will have to fool but this gives you an idea of the range.

EASY : mom. - Mon has been waiting for this day for her whole life. Part of your mom's brain is constantly writing and rewriting your eulogy every waking moment of her life. When a stranger knocks on your mother's door, she is 98% certain that this person bears the news of your sudden demise. Mom will be the easiest to fool.

STILL EASY: The nieghbour. The nieghbour will also be easy to fool but they are also one of the most important because they are going to be the ones who talk to the press. The trick is to appear "normal and quite" so that the nieghbour never "sees it coming". This mainly involves not drawing negative attention to yourself. Having "relations" with their 14 year old son/daughter - BAD. Saying "hi nieghbour" as you walk to the end of the lane in your slippers to get the morning paper - GOOD.

A BIT TRICKY: Your God. Fooling your god is actually easier than it looks. Mostly (and you can appreciate that this is a very general rule) God works on a "don't ask don't tell policy". God does not really want to hear about all the shit you've been up to. God wants to hear mostly good news, however, it can't be all cookies and cream. You have to throw God a bone every now and then or it gets suspicious. In the worst case scenario you might have to let god in on it. This can lead to all sorts of moral complications, but it's not a deal-breaker because it's very hard for God to rat you out.

HARD: The Spouse. Next to your mom, your spouse has spent the most time waiting for this moment. Unlike your mom who will believe anything, your spouse is going to want proof. More than likely, your spouse will want to poke you and in some cases put things into your body (objects such as knives, bullets and wooden stakes are the most common) to make sure you are dead. Although fooling the spouse is hard, they also carry the most influence - fool them and the rest will fall like dominoes.

ALMOST IMPOSIBLE: Your cats. In reality your cats may have been thinking about your death even more than your mom has, but not in a morbid way. They're thinking about your death more like a child thinks about Christmas in July. It's a far off general goodness to look forward to. We have all heard about the old lady who lives alone and dies and her body isn't found for weeks, and when they do find her the corpse is almost completely eaten by her cats. Well those are the happiest cats in the world. They are "living the dream". Cat's have the saying "don't bite the hand that feeds you" but they add "until it's dead". You could kill your identical twin and dress him up in your clothes and it wouldn't fool your cats.

1. Everyone will be looking for you there.
2. Tropical islands actually suck. The indigenous peoples and cultures are exploited by the travel industry, turning a proud nation into a playground for the idle rich. Plus, you'll get the squirts and a sun burn.
3. Tropical islands are fucking expensive, which means you'll need cash which means you've probably created yourself another motive.

Rule Three: Go to your own funeral. "What?" You may ask, "Isn't that a huge risk?" and the answer is yes it is, but not going is riskier. If you don't go the question "who came to my funeral?" is going to nag at you like a mosquito bite under a plaster cast. Eventually you're going to call up the secret lover or the drinking buddy. Sure, you're going to try to talk with a really high voice or worse still, pretend to be your long lost twin (see rule four) but the question that drove you to make this call will not be "shall we fuck?" or "isn't it awesome the Sox won the series?" but "who came to the goddamned funeral?"

Rule Four: or "The Twin Rule". In FYOD circles resorting to the "mysterious twin", even if, (and I can't stress this enough), you actually have a mysterious twin, is considered a cheap and amateurish gimmick. Only bottom feeders troll the soaps for inspiration.

Rule Five: Don't actually die. This rule seems obvious but it gets broken all the time. Ideas like "I'll get buried alive and then dig myself out" that only half work, are in retrospect pretty bad ideas. When coming up with a plan write it out on your computer, then do a search for the following words and phrases:

Flatline
Buried
Sexatized
Sawn in half
Gastric
Ka-boom
Ticklefest and or Pillowfight
Leaky
Frozen in time
Diabolical
Matador
Sneeze guard