Aslan is an Asshole and for that I am grateful
I just went to the Prince
Caspian movie, which was not great but still fun. I'd read the first
Narnia book (or forced some adult to read it to me) a zillion times.
The second book I didn't like nearly as much and as a result it's not
laser etched onto the back of my mind. This freed me to enjoy the movie
and not be suspended in childhood remembrances the whole time. The only
thing that really stuck with me was, "this is the one where Aslan is an
asshole". I didn't remember how or when but I knew it happened.
Warning, Spoilers. Load of 'em.
In
this movie Aslan is not around like he was in the first. The little
annoying girl sees him early on, (or at least thinks she does) but he
is not "present" like he was at the start of the first movie. The big
"message" here is that you should live by Christ's rules even if he's
not actually THERE. People begin to doubt Aslan and it takes the faith
of the little girl to "bring him back".
What a shit! How many people
have to die just because you need to be pampered with praise all the
time? Get over yourself you hairy fuck. What do you EAT anyways? 'Cause
all the talking woodland creatures seem to worship you – do they
sing songs about your glory as you swallow them whole?
At the climax of the movie
they send the annoying little girl off on a horse to "find" Aslan and
bring him back in the nick of time so they can win the big battle. When
she finds him she (quite rightly) asks him where the FUCK he's been
because he has wicked cool fighting powers and Narnias are dying by the
bucketful. Answer? "Things don't work the same way twice". You want to
be that way fine, go for it. But you can't chastise her for wanting you
to fight like last time and then actually go ahead and fight anyways.
Which of course he does, the ass. It's like finding out Ghandi was
sneaking powerbars.
Our God is vengeful and
violent and vain and cruel and fickle, and he's way better than the ice
queen because, um, ah, I forget. He's cuddlier I suppose.
After the battle As'hole'lan
decides to allow the bad people who surrendered to go back to their
world if they wish, (evidently they came to Narnia through an errant
wormhole). There's an awkward pause and then one of the generals says
that he and his wife will go and ASSHOLE says "you will be rewarded
with a good life for going first".
WHAT THE FUCK? This guy was a
general in the army of people who slaughtered thousands of Narnians
without a care, and he "gets a good life" for his trouble? It'd be
like, after WWII, giving Himler and his friends Hawaii and all the
tequila they could drink. And by giving the first to commit a good life
is that really going to encourage others? Does the last to go through
win a shit sandwich or a spike through the brain? What about the poor
surf who's way at the back and couldn't really hear that well. Now he's
lost his one shot at not shoveling horse crap for a living and the
royalty still get all the good stuff, just like always.
But aside from that, the
"good life" comment is actually REALLY scary because it means the LION
controls the destiny of these people even in their parallel universe.
They don't have free will, in fact NOBODY has free will - this is all a
little game world that the Lion God gets to play in. What's especially
scary is he just tossed off the "good life" bonus as if it was
something he'd just thought up – like Dumpledoor (the nearly
dead) making up some stupid reason to give Harry a thousand extra
wizard points.
Again, why do we hate the ice queen? (Because I remember her as being kinda hot.)
There's another scene,
post-battle, where the brave mouse who's lost his tail is going to off
himself because his tail brings him honor. ASSlan "grows" the mouse's
tail back but not before growling at him and making him swear to be
more humble in the future. The mouse is way shorter than everyone else,
and feels a bit self conscious about it. Instead of sympathy Assland
treats him like crap – making fun of his disability. Aslan toyed
with his emotions, like a cat with a mouse (sorry) eventually letting
him go - but you got the feeling that next time (perhaps when the kids
and cameras were gone) it might amuse Aslan to see the mouse off
himself instead.
I remember feeling exactly
these same things when I was 6. This series has gone further to shaping
my feelings toward religion than any other text, when I think about it.
Makes me wonder it CS Lewis wasn't actually an atheist?
Concider the take-aways from this book/movie.
- God is fickle and arbitrary.
- If you think for yourself it means you doubt God.
- Doubt him just once and he will punish you harshly by killing your friends.
- God likes to make you feel bad, employing all the same mind games used by your High school vice principle.
- God has a cruel sense of humor.
- God is cuddly and cute, but if you want to have sex with god it means you really love the devil.
- The devil is also a jerk,
so maybe it's the whole God/Devil/Heaven/Hell paradigm itself
that's at the root of the problem.
Thank you CS LEWIS, (how could that not have been done on purpose)?
Joe McKay 2008
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