Radio
Cuba Gooding Jr. plays Radio, the retarded mascot of failing football team that is coached by aging astronaut, Jackson Pollack (Ed Harris). We get to see Cuba knocked senseless by a bunch of white overweight testosterone-fueled high school kids, as Jackson drinks himself silly and screws Peggy Guggenheim. It turns out that Radio has "the right stuff" and becomes an outsider artist superstar, which forces Jackson to kill himself by crashing the space shuttle into the football field. The movie closes with Radio climbing out of the crater. As he is hoisted on the shoulders of his art collector-teammates, he starts to weep, as Cuba* does in every other goddamn movie he's ever been in.
*see Denzel Washington
prereviewer - Matt King, 10/31/03

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Alien (director's cut)
Ansel Adams is a landscape photographer. (MoMA Queens til Nov.3), Black and white... big mountains and shales and geysers. Lotsa pretty-great sublime, spooky, frozen-in-the-moment American nature moments. AA reprinted some of his famous negatives later in life. Here's what they said in the MoMA brochure: "To many of his admirers, these later revisions seem often to replace lyrical intensity with melodrama, and precision of feeling with extravagance." ouch. Here's a quote from Ridley Scott alien.com about the director's cut of Alien: "In looking at the film again, I became impatient with what I call my 'preambles'" - characters entering or exiting shots. "I was, perhaps, too in love with the sets and the lighting...We shaved things a bit...which creates a slight difference in energy from the 1979 version." I don't think we're gonna notice the difference. I'm going to see this cause A: favourite-movie fuck-matrix ripley cat class war in outer-space chick with gun kicks ass better than Uma-in-her-dreams cyborg scary milk robot self-destruct corporate fucks authority edge alien. B: must see it in the theatre. C: Will it feel different, remastered for 2003? Or will all the cells in my audience-brain have aged just the right amount to correspond perfectly with aging cells in Ripley Scott's director-brain? C: the preview online alien.com is great. Why so?....the most excellent keyboard sound of clickety-click-click-click. I never thought much about computer sounds in ALIEN before. Was I not paying attention? too young? Was my fear of parasitic monster egg sex demons misplaced? Should I have been more afraid of milky clicky cyporg computer monsters all along? See the preview ... it R.O.C.K.S. (and nobody can hear you scream). alien.com -
prereviewer - Sally McKay, 10/29/03

Stuck on You
The Farrlley Brothers can still raise my hopes it seems, despite all the crap they've made lately. The latest one has Matt Damon in it for God's sake. He's part of a conjoined twin, which the brother's seem to have doing all the things conjoined twins are not supposed to do - like pitching a baseball game. Pretty funny, but the trailer for "Me Myself and Irene" looked good too and it was bloody awful. Hey, wasn't that moment that Jim Carry's career Jumped the shark? Maybe this movie will be good by revealing to the sane world that Matt Damon's career should be over too.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 10/27/03

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Gothika
I typed Gothika into my Sherlock dictionary and Lordy-be there were no definitions in there. Now fans of this site might have noticed that I play fast and loose with my own renowned spelling prows but I think the producers might've wanted to run that sucker through a spell checker. That aside, Halle Berry getting wet and running around in the rain does sound like a good premise for a movie. Besides, on the poster if you look closely, you'll notice that there are other actors in this movie (in the commercial you can see them running around in the background, also wet). Might get a bit thin after an hour or so, but I'm willing to give it some latitude. I think Gothika will be a-okay-ika.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 10/27/03

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mystic river
Sean Penn used to play stupid violent guys. Now he plays smart guys who repress their violence. Clint Eastwood plays violent guys who repress everything else to the point where we can't tell if they have anything going on between the ears. Tim Robbins plays smart wimpy guys. Keving Bacon will always be Footloose to me. Put them altogether and what do you get? A big slop bucket full of overblown romantic twaddle. For those of us who can't stomach Schwarzenegger there's this stuff ... Even though I don't hit that guy, you all know I want to hit that guy, cause I am a real man. Suck it up baby. Pat me on the shoulder. Hold me while I cry cause I'm bearing the weight of the world. Send a video greeting card to the wife and kid back home. Doing god's work. Doing police work. Weeding out the scum. Hi Mom. Broad stroke, bring out the violins, faded blue jeans claptrap about what it is to be an American male.
prereviewer - Sally McKay, 10/17/03

The Human Stain
When you're a 73 year old college prof with a buried, possibly homicidal past and Nicole ("You Don't Want to Get Involved With Me") Kidman sleeps with you, stains happen. Or something like that. Kidman plays yet another damsel in distress with a violent husband/lover lurking in the wings, and once again a really old Hollywood leading man (Anthony Hopkins) romances a much younger actress, joining the Deadly Diaper Assassination Squad of Eastwood, Connery, Woody Allen, Robt. Duvall, and Michael Caine. The plot: Hopkins must kill Kidman's evil husband, just as he has killed before, back when the world was black & white and filmed with copious amounts of vaseline on the lens. So it's Hopkins's murderous past versus Kidman's murderous present and your murderous future when you strangle the theatre manager demanding to get your money back. (Damn, I should write these things for Mad magazine.) It's an A-List movie, based on the dutifully-reviewed novel by Philip Roth. Director Robert Benton and actors Ed Harris and Gary Sinise also have muchas gravitas. The preview is lugubrious as hell. No way I'm going.
prereviewer - Tom Moody, 10/17/03

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The Elf
You know how when you wait patiently to transact some business with the elf down at the PGA Fan Club and try to offer a helping hand to her and the other members of her coven, and she brays in your face about some shit that ain't got nothin' to do with your shit? And how when you drag your sorry ass to the Castle Postage Stamp all hunched over and with tears in your eyes to consult with the Princess, and she tears a strip off you for being harsh and so quick to judge? And how when, a few weeks later, the elf initiates a new bondage and domination session on your ass in front of all your homies because your ass doesn't seem to have understood what her ass hasn't been able to express, then apologizes when she realizes that the orders she barks between visits to tigerwoods.com have indeed been followed, and that's supposed to make it all okay? Well, this movie is like that.
prereviewer - Michael Canzi, 11/22/03

Elf
I just saw "School of Rock" and there was the trailer for "elf" a film that looks like a decent Will Ferrel vehicle. He's doing all his physical comedy goofy stuff like you'd imagine, only around a Christmas theme. Great, go see it, whatever.
The combo of Jack Black being stupid and funny and Will Ferrell being stupid and funny has left me with a weird feeling. Where are all the women comics? Why don't they get to be funny? Is it me or have we taken a big step backwards lately? Like 9/11 got us so spooked that only men are allowed to be funny any more? Cheri Oteri could easily have had as big a career as Ferrell at one point in time. Now she'd be lucky to get a soap commercial. Maybe some of the women from Mad TV will be able to cross over into the movies (Deborah Wilson - Where the hell is she?).
Think about Jack Black - He's not a babe, I don't know who he's sleeping with, he's not on friends, and he's not Merrel Streep. How many female actors can you say that about?
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 10/13/03

Scarry Movie 3
Fucking bastards! Scarry movie 1 - stupid sexist evil movie but funny commercials. Okay my bad, but shit happens, ten bucks gone. Sarry movie 2 - stupid sexist evil movie but funny commercials. Yup I went to that too in a blazen effort to not learn my lesson. Now there are commercials for scarry movie three and lord help me I think they are funny. Somebody out there go see this fucking movie and tell me how stupid it is and put me out of my freaking misery and save me ten bucks already. Yeesh.
(I'll send you five bucks)
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 10/13/03

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The Matrix: Resurrection
I may have confused the title here with the third installment of the Alien trilogy, but frankly I'm too upset with this movie to give a damn. I saw a commercial on TV for the final dose of Keanu in black leather, and I must say this movie is going to suck. Really?, you may ask. Yes, really. For those of you who saw the second Matrix, I have two words for you: rave scene. You know what I am talking about.... Well, I caught a glimpse of more cave-dwelling hippies in the 30 seconds of the sliced and diced Matrix: Reloaded (no, that's not the title either) trailer. Did no one tell the director that the raving hippies had to go? Who didn't cringe during those slo-mo Keanu induced drum/dance scenes? Am I getting old? That's it, isn't it. I'm getting to be an old fart. Raves aren't fun anymore. I don't like Prada. White guys with dreads look stupid. Keanu is a himbo and I resent him for his sucess. I'm not cool. I should go to the gym or do push ups or something. I shouldn't watch so much TV. Do I look fat?
prereviewer -Matt King, 9/29/03

Under the Tuscan Sun
Here's the good thing about European movies, they're set in Europe. Europe is pretty and has "old world charm". There are fields of sunflowers and rose petals on beds and everyone rides one of those old heavy bicycles. Milk is still delivered by the milkman and nobody eats junk food. A European movie harkens the past without having to worry about the costumes and continuity problems of actually being set it in the past. Love is in the air in Europe - what may seem like a creepy pervert in North America is an old man overcome with "amore" in Europe. [note: none of this applies to England - England is where punk came from. People there still do heroine, the coal mines close, nobody does the dishes, everyone has problems, and it's raining. In fact when I say "Europe" I really mean southern France and Italy, and maybe parts of Spain and Greece]
Here are the two bad things about European movies, the language and subtext. The language is a problem because overdubbing sounds stupid and sub titles will kill your gross. Subtext can be even trickier. Sometimes in European movies there'll be a perfectly good story about this hot skinny babe who goes to the nude beach a lot only to have the second act be about "man's inhumanity to man" or "the intolerable suffering of a life lived alone" or some such theme that alienates the 15-25yr old target audience and ruins an otherwise perfectly good chubby, I mean movie.
The solution: American European movies. This is freaking' chick flick nirvana. No language problems, no subtext problems - just unadulterated Johnny Dep with his shirt off, white cotton pants fluttering in the sea breeze, pouring a second glass of Beaujolais to some beautiful French lady speaking English with an adorably cute French accent. In Under the Tuscan Sun the second act problems seem to be about fixing up a house (nothing a sweat drenched plumber can't fix, although there are hi-jinx as the women try to do it themselves. Don't forget it's "European" so you can get away with shit like this), and restocking the supply of rose petals for the daily life affirming "spin around in falling rose petals" that movie directors seem so fond of these days.
prereviewer -Joe McKay, 9/23/03

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The Last (and I mean LAST) Samurai
What the hell? I pay my $10 to watch Kill Bill last night and lo-and-behold what do I see a trailer for but another friggin' samurai movie. Oh, don't worry, this one has a new twist. Instead of Japanese samurai, instead of furturistic Prada sportin' samurai, and instead of anorexic covergirl samurai, now we are going to get Tom Cruise the Civil War hero Samurai. So I'll ask again, What the hell? I think this movie is going to be a little like The Patriot, and little like Crouching Tiger. But does it matter? As we Americans (and maybe some Canadians) scramble for a proper fantasy in which to project our post 9/11 desire for dignity, honor and revenge, the Hollywood imagination seems to have stopped at the door of the samurai. Past present or future, you can't argue with the violence of these "noble warriors." Would a samurai fly a jumbo jet into the side of a building? Hell no. Samurais are polite. If anything they respect their enemies. Samurais might even go as far as to kill themselves rather than disrespect an enemy. They are stealthy but they don't hide, and they don't use RPGs or roadside bombs. They are smart and highly skilled, and they train for hours each day in the garden, like pro tennis players or golfers might. Oh, and they are clean! Samurais take baths and have cool outfits and they might spend a whole morning getting dressed up in silk before battle. And most importantly: when Samurais kill, they use blades so sharp that their enemies feel no pain.
prereviewer -Matt king, 10/27/03

The last Samurai
This prereview goes along with a big shout out to Tom Moody and Matt King, two of our biggest contributors. The Last Samurai stars Tom Cruise (America's, nay, the WORLD'S favorite action hero) as a Civil war vet (or America revolution - one of those) who has become a warrior for hire. The war being over for some time he makes his way to ... Japan! Hey, how hard could it have been in 1802 (American Civil War, 1861-1865)(American Revolution 1775-1783), to hop on a ship to Japan ... on a whim. Any-hoo, he shows up and start slicing and dicing for whomever'll hire him until one day he gets laid and discovers honor and must learn the true way of fighting and train in the rain a LOT. Eventually the big climactic ending comes along and he must fight the baddest guy (remember the guy who hired him when he first got to Japan). Tom kills lots of evil henchmen with his new supper-sharp folded steel sword (thank you Matt) and ninja-like moves, but can't seem to kill the ultimate bad guy until at the last moment he SOCKS HIM IN THE JAW! USA USA USA! You can take the boy out of the country but you can't take the country out of the boy.
prereviewer -Joe McKay, 9/17/03

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Godsend
"He has his mother's eyes, his father's smile, and Haley Joel Osment's nightmares!" No, that's not really the tag line for Godsend, a movie about a clone who sees dead people. But that's the general idea. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Greg Kinnear lose their child in an auto accident and Robert De Niro, in career freefall, applies the medical black arts to bring him back. The "godsend" comes with a warranty expiration date. When the kid sees his first ghost, De Niro says, "I told you I couldn't predict what would happen to him once he passed the age when the original died." A disgusted Kinnear shouts, "I'm going to tell the world what you did." Grabbing his arms in a vicelike grip, Dr. Bob replies, "What we did." And again, for emphasis, "What we did." Turns out Bob mixed in some genetic material from that same serial killer that was in the last hundred movies, and the kid is seeing his victims. Or something. It doesn't get much crappier than this. (Heavily cut to avoid an R-rating.)
prereviewer -Tom Moody, 9/17/03

Whalerider
This is a film from New Zealand with a cute little girl who may or may not ride whales. There are definitely whales in the film, one of them is black and white and they're awesomely big when you see them on the big screen.
The cute girl's dad is pissed off because her twin brother died and left him with only a useless girl so the movie's mostly about her proving she can do all the traditional boy stuff that her brother was supposed to do. She looks really happy in the picture on the movie ad.
My ex-husband was "disappointed" by this movie so it's probably pretty much Hollywood schlock-free and even well worth seeing.
prereviewer - kathie Lambert, 9/06/03

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Winged Migration
This is a movie absolutely EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LOVES. I mean everyone. Old ladies, young ladies, kids, men in retirement communities who wear lime-green sport coats, critics, others. They even get all weepy over this movie and say that it changed their lives. The reason they say so is 'cause in the movie you get to see birds fly. That's something you hardly ever get to see in real life. Birds never fly. But they do in the movie. And you know why? 'Cause some guy learned to fly and flew with the birds. They flew a long way. They friggin' migrated! Sad things happen to some of the birds. Some of them die. I know-- isn't that sad? Some of them just get real tired. You feel bad for the birds. But the guy who made the movie is pointing his camera at them the whole time. And flying too. It's nuts. I really gotta get out and see the movie, but I said that three months ago and then I went to see the pirate one with the great dental prosthetics instead. One day I'll see Winged Migration. I'll love it. You will too.
prereviewer - Rob Ackerman, 9/02/03

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Cold Creek Manor
Harrison Ford is in this. He plays an average dad, looking perturbed. His lips move a little when he talks, which is quite heroic considering I heard that he had a stroke about 15 years ago and lost control of his facial muscles. Dennis Quaid is in this too. He plays an edgy working class guy. I think I saw a cigarette pack under his sleeve. Guess who else is in this? Sharon Stone! She looks hot (and matronly. Nice mom.). A family moves into a big old mansion. But then odd things start to happen like the curtains blow around in the wind. Not only that but theres a shot of a wall covered with polariods and newspaper clippings. I'm suspecting a scooby-doo style sheets and flashlight type ghost plot. They'll think Dennis Quaid is doing it all, but eventually he'll lose his life saving the kids from the real pyscho dad who used to live in the mansion many years before. Harrison Ford will successfully evince 'perturbed' in every single scene.
prereviewer - Sally Mckay, 8/29/03
cold creek manor addendum
Just saw another preview for this. There's no Harrison Ford, its all Dennis Quaid. Apparently they share the frozen-facial-muscle syndrome. Who knew...separated at birth?
Sally Mckay, 9/04/03

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The Backyard
It would be nice if The Backyard was a short gay porn film set in suborbia. trysts in the tool shead and furtive gropings behind the gazebo, culminating with the shocking and potentially fatal misuse of a john deere tractor mower's leaf blowing attachment.

But I am suspecting either a horror movie - the swing set is inhabited by a demonic power which strangles children in the chains, and hurls adults onto tomato stakes. the slide is filled with razor blades and the evil dead lurk amongst the patio furniture - or a hauntingly sad, yet somehow life affirming examination of childhood. gently, yet unsentimentally, the young directtor parses his/her own sad upbringing in suburbia. all the quotidian joys and miseries so familiar to all of us are laid bare in this episodic little gem, especially moving are the shildren's performances, especially the little girl. who's winningly awkward style perfectly captures the anxieties and pleasures of childhood, albeit a childhood suddenly riven by unspeakable tragedy and then, redeemed, somehow, by the love and sacrifice of a total stranger.
prereviewer - Matt Freedman, 8/29/03
With this effort Matt has claimed first place in the Least Foreknowledge While PreReview Writing competition. Jean's PreReview of Daddy Daycare, wherein half the review was based on a web search which turned up the wrong Eddie Murphy movie is running a close second.

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The New Coen Brothers Movie
I admit it: I went to see Seabiscuit. I won't comment on it, because of course this is not the proper forum, and besides, I wouldn't want to give away the ending (the horse wins). What I will say is that I got a sneak peak at the new Coen Brothers movie trailer. I was a little amped up for the horse movie (I have recently discovered horse racing, thanks to my summer proximity to Saratoga Racetrack) so I don't remeber the details very well. Something about a guy who wants to divorce his wife after he cheated on her. The handsome lawyer (I don't remeber who, but it wasn't a racehorse) meets/falls for the wife (Catherine Zita-Jones-Douglas) and all kinds of shit breaks loose. I think Billy-Bob makes an appearance, but I don't recall any other recycled cast members. But really, does any of this matter? We're talking the the Coen Brothers. There is no way in hell I'm not going to see this in the theater! (or at least rent it while it is still in the "New Release" section). All bets to win.
prereviewer - Matt King, 8/26/03

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Underworld
Buffy has a lot to answer for. It seems by 1995 we'd digested the fact that vampires are supremely boring. Remember Bram Stoker's Dracula? Or how about Interview with a Vampire? Yawn and snore. There was that dreadful Lestadt thing too. Yeah, yeah they live forever...its all just a thin excuse for costume drama: bring on the waistcoats and cravats! Then Buffy came along in 1996 and it was actually good cause the vampires were just bit parts and hardly anyone wore pirate shirts. But then....the Angel spin off. He lurks in the shadows and wears leather pants. And now, Underworld. More pasty, humourless folks with black nail polish, and buckled boots. And...of course...capes. Again with the capes.
prereviewer - Sally McKay, 10/03/03/

Underworld
Yup, it looks a lot like the Matrix only with vampires and warewolves. Turns out to be a Romeo and Juliette love story too. It won't be the first crappy movie this year that looks a heck of a lot like the matrix (Martix Reloaded) or the last (Matrix 3: It Was All a Dream).
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 8/26/03

Underworld update
On the poster in the subway by my apartment someone crossed out the "world" of "Underworld" and wrote "pants" in it's place. They also drew a penis coming out of the woman's crotch which is also (inextricably) a killer whale. This movie might not be so bad if it is inspiring such wiedrness already.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 9/09/03

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Matchstick Men
In Ridley Scott's "Matchstick Men," Nicolas Cage teams up with his daughter Alison in winning-combination. Cage is a smooth, slick operator (more of a real con man!) who finds he has the responsibility of Alison Lohman, a nine-year-old orphan (Addie). Not just any orphan, but Addie is a prococious, cigarette-smoking one! Their odyssey of con jobs seems one adventure (or "mis"adventure) after another. While at times quite funny, the movie will also have its poignant moments, moments that will indeed capture the sensitivity of senstive souls. Madeline Kahn plays one of Cage's girl friends Trixie Delight (whom Alison sees as a threat to their relationship), and Sam Rockwell steps in as a mean-spirited, crooked Missouri sheriff! Alison will win an Oscar for her role.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 8/20/03
Thank to Bill Hobbs for inspiration.

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2Fast2Furious and The Italian Job
I'm a sucker for suped-up compact imports. I mean, hey, who the hell could have predicted that one? I have a sick fascination with those loud mufflers and decals with Calvin pissing on a Ford emblem and "Ain't Skeered" tattoos. And rims! I'm into skinny tires with expensive rims, and brake shoes that match the color of the car. But did I see 2Fast2Furiuos? No. I was 2Late. Now I'm waiting for it 2come out on video. Vin Diesel is not in this one, which is a real shame. What I am hoping for is a fast action thrill ride (always a thrill ride), complete with hot import-under-the-semi action, glimses under the hoods of nitrous breathing Honda Civics, the girl dropping the hankie, the foot hitting the gas, the car going off the cliff. Wait, perhaps I'm thinking of "Rebel Without A Cause". James Dean died in an import, right? He was drunk, but he wasn't skeered. Oh, and speaking of little cars ! (and imports), I was also 2late for the "Italian Job". I really wanted to go see that gem. Think about it: Dirk Diggler and Klute together in a film with "Job" in its title! All I know about it is that there is a chase scene involving Mini Coopers, a la the "Bourne Identity". But regardless of its title, is there any chance that this film was made outside of California? Can Mini Coopers be injected with nitrous? Would Vin Diesel fit into a Mini Cooper? If Vin Diesel and James Dean raced, who would win? Now that I would pay to see.
prereviewer - Matt King, 8/17/03

The Lord of the Rings part 3
WARNING SPOILERS
I've been doing a bit of snooping on this one - digging under some rocks and seeing what crawls out if you will. Just seeing where my natural journalistic talents take me. I think you'll be impressed.
Scoop # 1 - I've managed to get the down-low on the title - it's "The Return of the King". If you saw the first two movies, and were watching very closely you'll know that they are probably referring to either Aragorn or that other guy, Strider. Still, it could be some new character ... intriguing.
Scoop # 2 - Golumn is back! This proves my theory that Golumn was way better than Jar Jar, because while Jar Jar was all but written out of Episode Two, they've brought that golumn dude back for an even bigger roll in LOTR3. That's awesome! Kudos to the writers for knowing a good thing when they see it.
Scoop #3 - Better than T3. I know that's a pretty tall order but word on the street is the writing team have been working up a killer original script for LOTR3, not just having Gandalf and Frodo doing some of thier clasic lines only this time with silly glasses on. (Mind you having the big G come back in LOTR2 was like, total expected)
Scoop #4 - There's talk about a LOTR4 already. The cracks of doom turn out to be on another planet, and Frodo and the gang have to cross vast wastelands and suffer great peril on their way to the space port. Sound like fun! I hope they give Gimli a blaster.

Okay, enough of that. Does anyone care about this movie? All I want to know is how much of the insufferably boring 80 page "return to the shire" they're going to do. Oh and the spider killing scene should be fun. Wish they'd kill a hobbit or two to go along with her.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 8/15/03

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The Order
Have you ever noticed that only two guys do narrations for movie trailers? No women, ever, it's just these two guys. There's the tenor-voiced, lively guy who does the Miramax arthouse pics and the Sony Classics. He has a little lilt in his voice, as if everything in the movie is so wonderful he can't wait to tell you about it. Then there's the guy who does all the action and horror movies, a rich baritone who makes everything sound dire and melodramatic. This movie, The Order, employs the latter guy. It's the latest in a series where there's a Satanic plot within the Catholic hierarchy and a conscientious priest who must stop it. The trailer shows us demonic markings being analyzed, then scenes of the priest being warned not to dig too deeply, then a montage of clips that get shorter and shorter and faster and faster until the action crescendos and the screen goes black and That Voice says, as you know it will: "The O-oo-rder." Sure made me want to see it.
prereviewer - Tom Moody ,8/15/03

That Pixar fish movie
Someone said to me, "what you haven't seen it?" and I felt a stab of doubt. I also used to believe that awesome animation was always cool over-and-above despite stupid boring plot. But then I saw Monsters Inc. I'm sticking to my prediction that this fish movie is gonna have all the not-so-buried boring class-and-race-isms of Lion King, combined with such a predictable, vapid colour scheme that even the cool effects will underwhelm us all. yawn. Sally McKay
prereviewer - Sally McKay, 7/27/03

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Freaky Friday
A little piece of me is already melting deep down inside. Nothing beats trading bodies plots (a la: BIG, and that other one with the exact same plot as BIG that came out at the exact same time and had Judge Reinhold instead of Tom Hanks - or was it the other way around! psyke! and also, of course, the all time classic Jodie-Foster Freaky Friday). Mother has to play in the school rock concert! Daughter has to take little brother to dentist (or something). Everyone learns a lesson! Bring it on.
prereviewer - Sally McKay, 7/27/03

Editor's note Here's what E Online said about both movies;
Judge Reinhold and son (Fred Savage) switch brains by accident, and dad has trouble maintaining his uptight life. - 1988
A little kid gets trapped in the body of a grown man (Tom Hanks), and he succeeds famously in the toy business. -1988

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Britney Spears movies
I've heard two movie rumors about Britney this week, just after I was wondering if her career was over (haven't seen a new Pepsi add in a while). Both of these rumors have "nail if the coffin of a dwindling career" written all over them but you never know. The first rumor is about a Dukes of Hazard movie where Britney plays Daisy Duke. She'd be all wrong for this. First off, her butt is the wrong shape. If you're going to fill out a pair of Daisy Dukes you need a little junk in the trunk. Plus you need to be coy, able to put together a transmission blindfolded, and willing to marry a guy who's name rhymes with "penis". Britney would make a much better Bo Duke - she has his smile and swagger. Let's face it guys, Bo was the real cute one the whole time anyways and with this new wave of heterosexual values supposedly sweeping the nation, I think it would be morally wrong if we didn't make him a chick. If they do a Dukes movie Daisy should be a CGI character kinda like Scooby-Do was. There's no other way to fill that roll, I'm sorry. (Plus the car should talk).

The other rumor was about an upcoming NASCAR movie. Truth is it's probably the same movie, but I'd rather that there were two. I love racing movies - Driven was the worst piece of crap, very fun - check out Driven's mistake list on www.moviemistakes.com, it's pretty entertaining. And Rolling Thunder! mmmm. Cruise's first after Top Gun and a blatant attempt to cash in on the theme of loveable and talented but wild Maverick and fast moving dangerous machines. If Britney drives I might go see this, but not if she's a wife or worse the team owner (see Cameron Diaz's icky performance in "Any Given Sunday" to see just how bad this could be). I think she should drive and sing at the same time. Or she could drive and the car could sing. Guess the consensus is Britney Spears or no, we need more talking car movies.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 8/01/03

Tron 2.0
Tron 2.0 (or Tron: Killer App) will be directed by Steven Lisberger the director of the original. Yes that's right PreReview fans, I have my facts straight. The title, the alternate title, the Director. I'm pulling up my boot straps, smartening up this heap of poorly-spelled drunkenly-written clam dip. Or something like that.
Unfortunately, with no commercials or anything yet, I can't write a real good prereview on this one - but shit, Title and Director is more info than you usually get so shut the fuck up.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 7/27/03

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Kill Bill Vol. 1
Have I mentioned yet that Chas. Angels II was my, like, most favoritist movie of the summer? That's not a review, Joe, just an opinion w/o details. I bring it up because Kill Bill seems like it could be very Charlie, if you catch my drift. I'm expecting the Angels with less glam, more swearing and blood. Oh, and expect many, many, many products to be placed. My dream is that Tarantino relaunches the career of a lost 70's heartthrob, as he did with J.Travola in Pulp Fiction. Another Sweathog, perhaps? Yeah, picture this closing scene: Uma Thurman in perfect digital slow-mo, razor sharp hammered/folded samurai sword in hand, slices through three thugs-of-various-ethnicities in one pass. We see their bodies slowly separate just after her sword hits scabbard, reducing them to a pile of torsos and legs. Riding a huge stallion -no- pimped-out lowrider El Camino, is none other than Ron Palillo (aka Arnold Horshak). His whiny voice has been dubbed over by James Earl Jones. He cooly rolls down the window, hits the hydraulics, leans out to Uma and says "Let's Split, Sweet Thang."
prereviewer - Matt King, 10/21/03

Kill Bill
Lanky actress/model Uma Thurman plays a sword-wielding assassin in this movie where generic hiphop music blasts from the speakers and pretty women fight. Quentin Tarantino's sharp ear for dialogue appears to have deserted him. Lucy Liu: "You didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?" Uma: "You know, for a minute there (ironic little chuckle) I kinda did." Right after that exchange the trailer ends with a peppy R&B horn riff and not once, in the unfortunately too many times I've seen it, has anyone in the theatre laughed or said "Cool." Just total silence till the next preview. Apparently the movie's so long they're releasing it in two parts, like the Matrix Reloaded and LOTR. This is stupid and self-indulgent except Quentin "made" Miramax so they owe him. Anyway, it's a wire fu/revenge movie and Uma studies with an ancient Chinese master and runs up a stair rail and battles an army of guys in black suits who look like Agent Smith, only from Hong Kong (one scene--a fight in a suburban home--briefly shows some of that Pulp Fiction flash). In the second movie Uma fights Shelob on her way into Mordor and, no, wait...
prereviewer - Tom Moody, 7/27/03

The Cat in the Hat
A few Christmases back the Onion ran a picture of Jim Carrey in full Grinch makeup with the caption "Another fond childhood memory destroyed." Well, they're baa--aa-ck with another Seuss adaptation, this time with Mike Myers in the ridiculous get-up. More frenetic CGI foolishness worth skipping; I recommend renting the 5000 Fingers of Dr T instead. TM
prereviewer - Tom Moody, 7/27/03

The annoying guy
The annoying guy from that horible sitcom is in a stupid movie where he relives his childhood. Might have a few chuckles. He was in the Chris Farley movies. You'll know what I'm talking aobut when you see it. On a Plane. (Cool, where you goin'?)
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 6/05/03

Annoying guy update
I was watching daytime T.V. - the "news" but it was really gossip. The Gossip lady was friends of the annoying guy and had been at a screening the night before. she said it was really great, then made a joke about how her strapless dress made her boobs look small, then talked about how she was one year sober today and everyone cheered. It was very confusing. I'm still confused.

Yeah, I need a job.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 7/11/03
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Dickie Roberts (AKA the annoying guy)
Nobody writes a good "stupid guy" script any more. Take stupid guy and have him do stupid stuff. Great, now 40 minutes are gone. What next? Stupid guy has to "straighten up" to get the girl. She's only there for motivation for stupid guy so he has something to do for the last 40. Okay - also only show T.V. ads from the first 40 minutes, never from the crappy sappy tacked on love scenes. Will Farrell Streaking makes you think that Old School will not suck ass. If the ad had scenes of Luke Wilson trying to look sinscere and sappy over and over it would have A: Fairly represented what the movie was about and B: saved you 11 bucks. Orange County had scenes in it's commercials that were never in the movie at all. Were those scenes Fuckead Collin Hanks trying to act? No! They were of Jack Black lighting his farts (or something funny). Do I care that kind hearted pretty girls can see that although Adam Sandler's character is a bit of a goof ball, he really has a heart of gold after all? Again, NO! Only Adam Sandler cares if Adam Sandler gets laid. The movie going public want to see him hit someone in the nuts (again).

I've got a radical idea - for the last 40 minutes, make the girl have like, a part with lines and shit. SHE COULD BE STUPID TOO! It's friggin' genius. If Dickie Roberts has no love interest then give it a try, but if they tack on a chick for motivation to stretch out what would otherwise be a high-concept five minute SNL skit then let it pass, (and let it pass you will).
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 8/26/03
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Gigi
Ben Affleck is not gay. He is in this Movie Gigi with his NEW GIRLFRIEND J-low. And they are having capers, wait they're in a caper - with the mafia and everything. That's not Gay. Besides J-low dated P-diddy and he's the not gayest person in all of America. Have you seen his videos? Way not gay. Just because Ben is in touch with his feelings and he's from Boston and he's like BEST FRIENDS with the totally hunky Matt Damon (also probably not gay).
Did you see Eyes Wide Shut? Gigi is going to be just like that because Tom Cruise and that Australian woman were in it and they were a couple (and nobody ever said that Tom was gay). The poster at the bus stop by my house features J-low's right breast and it's got a tremendous amount of lift to it. Some would suggest photoshop had a hand in there but I say it's all natural, baby. Ben isn't gay, and J-low isn't getting old - HER TITS ARE AS PERKY AS EVER! HORRRAY! Nothing about Gigi is going to shake my heterosexual foundation upon which I have built the house that is my life, and for that I give it a super-duper two thumbs up.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 7/11/03
update: Or "Gigli" if you prefer. yeesh. - 7/27/03

The Enforcer
Nice t-shirt dude.

That's it. That's all we saw. This guy's t-shirt is supposed to get me excited? All the buzz at the water cooler is supposed to be about ... a t-shirt?
Shit.
I have a t-shirt.
You wanna impress me, show me a waterbed or something I don't already own.

Wait, it wasn't "The Enforcer", damn what was the title. Someone write me if they see the preview - I saw it while at The Hulk.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 6/24/03
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Seatriscuit
Okay, take Jeff Bridges and put him on a diet already. He's been about 25 lbs too heavy in every movie he's made in the last 10 years. And he's just one character in every movie. What's less than one-dimensional? Answer is - JB.
Next character to hate - purely for miscast reasons. Spiderman - that Tobey kid. He plays the jockey who rides Seabiscuit. Ummm. Let's see. From what little I know about horse racing, I know that the jockey is usually herve - villachaised. Let's be serious. Tobey has about 50 lbs on any jockey that ever lived. At that, they might as well cast Jeff "my ass is the size of the brooklyn" Bridges as the jockey. Damn them.
Plot development. I see a horse being cast off to the slaughter house or getting ready to be shot. Why? I'm not really sure. Could be cause he's white. Either way. Insert spoiler here. Horse does not get shot. Horse is saved. Horse takes massive amounts of ephedrine and runs the best races of his life. And all that toting a fat jockey on his back. Imagine if the load was smaller? How much faster could that damn horse have run?
Oh - relationship drama too. Brooklyn and his wife have issues. I'm sure Tobey gets involved. And there's got to be a cantankerous Mickey Rooney like horse handler too. Better make him a person of "color". Oh wait, I meant black. Yeah - like any self respecting black person is gonna set foot into that theatre. Not unless they thought the title was Free Biscuit. Damn. That was racial. Okay. Do over.
... into that theatre. Not unless it's got Wesley Snipes in the lead and Vanessa Williams as the evil semi-clad femme fatale.
Regardless. Saw the preview. Hated it. Kill the horse. I could use the glue.
Hi Ho Biscuit!

prereviewer - "the offender", 6/24/03
David asks that he go by the moniker "the offender" in case he offended anyone. Always willing to oblige Mr. Murphy.
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Pirates of the Caribbean
When I took one of my kids to see the preachy Hollywood one where Jim Carrey is God and the only redeeming thing about the evening was the trailer for PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN which I'm happy to announce will be THE BEST MOVIE EVER MADE. Yes, that's right. Better than CASABLANCA, better than THE THIN MAN, better than the one with the sled. Maybe even better than THE WIZARD OF OZ. First, it's got that really hot new British chick that was in BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM. She looks like Winona when Winona was at her most totally hottest. It's gonna be worth it just to see her all scared and panting and stuff. And Johnny Depp has got great whacked-out eye makeup and is looking for this one particular piece of Aztec gold which is irrefutably crucial to his existence for some reason. I think it has something to do with saving the British girl. Yeah. She's in a warm humid dungeon wearing a clingy linen dress and he needs that piece of gold to get her free, so he's gotta kick the asses of a bunch of pirates who happen to have supernatural powers because they're dead. Or something. This is the kind of movie I look at with awe and wonder because, I mean, how in the hell to they DO this sort of stuff? It's so unapologetically wasteful-- the pyro effects and the impeccable art direction and the extreme CGI morphing that looks so magical. This movie is so spectacularly fantastic that my thirteen-year-old daughter already has the poster on the wall of her bedroom! What better proof could I possibly offer?
prereviewer - Rob Ackerman , 6/10/03
Rob Ackerman lives on the Upper West Side and hasn't seen hardly anything lately except L'AUBERGE ESPAGNOLE which he thought was pretty charming and lovable even if it didn't add up to much.*
* editor's note - Watch it there bub, that sounds almost like a review.
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The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
(Or, Indiana Jones' aging grandfather and the temple of computers). Sean "I refuse to die" Connery battles with and against a host of computer generated characters each one wackier than the last. This movie has all the appeal for me of those virtual reality roller coaters they have at amusement parks now. You get to pretend you're in a roller coaster - your chair shakes (this is important, it's what makes it "virtual") and you sit too close to a screen (the "reality" part). Often the theme is something like "Roller Coaster in Space". Most convincing thing about these rides is the authentic puke smell that the underpaid ride operator considers "not his fucking job, man" to clean up. Remember when Fabio got hit in the head by a goose when he was the guest on the maiden voyage of a Six Flags roller coaster? Now that was virtual reality. If this movie can promise me that, with every screening, some minor celebrity will be temporarily stunned by a goose, I will gladly change my mind but until then, I can smell the stale puke already.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 6/05/03
Joe recently rode the Cyclone at Coney Island, which although gooseless, is scarrier than it looks. (reviewing roller coasters is okay)

Crappy Kevin Costner Movie
Absolutely freaking fucking nothing redeeming about this stubbled hunk of crappola. Yes we're due for a good western (go rent "The Claim" it was pretty good in a "McCabe and Mrs. Miller" kinda way - and I'll bet you missed it.) Kevin mumbles his whole way through this movie, both his lines and his directing. RUN IN FEAR! Water World on land ... RUN!
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 6/05/03

The Last 29 Days
I'm cheating a little with this one but who cares. The Last 29 Days is already on DVD here in Europe so I've been asking around and here's the jist of it. Zombies that can run. Yup that's the big twist. Hard to believe nobody thought of that before actually. The movie starts out with this guy all alone in the city and then he finds out he's not alone (YAY). Then he finds out his new friends are zombies (bit of a bummer but no biggie) Then he finds out they defy all logic by being able to run (now it's brown trouser time).
The adds make it look like there might not be a super happy ending because it's all British and shit. Don't hold your breath is the word on the street.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 5/01/03
Update: This is really wierd but in the US they're releasing it with the title "28 Days Later". Maybe on the 29th day a Queen Victoria zombie and a Winston Churchill zombie go on a brain eating rampage and they felt an american audience wouldn't understand the references. That must be it, they're always underestimating the intelligence of the american movie going public. Bastards.
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From Justin to Kelly
I did not go see the girls-on-surfboards movie "Blue Crush" last summer, and I fur-sure won't be paying hard earned cash for "From Justin to Kelly." But who needs to pay for it when I can watch "Entertainment Tonight" for free? From what I have gathered on the tube - and I think I have seen the entire movie - this is going to suck. It stars Kelly Clarkson, the winner of "American Idol" along with Justin Guarini, her runner-up. Last year millions of Americans called in and voted these two as the best/cutest somethings, and now they have their own movie. So what happens when two teenagers get rich and famous overnight? Apparently they get fat. From what I have seen on TV, they must be getting paid in pudding. And I think Justin had discovered marijuana, because in every interview I've seen (perhaps one a day) his eyes are all puffy. Back to the movie: It is perpetually sunset. A bloated Justin and Kelly are in love, and sing. But they have difficulties, and sing about them. Then they make up/make out, and sing. Intercut this with plenty of teen girl masturbation fantasies: frolics in the surf, a romantic sailboat cruise and perhaps, if we are lucky, a tandem bike or bareback horse ride (with singing).
prereviewer - Matt King , 5/04/03

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T3
I'm thinking this is going to be the coolest thing ever. Why? The five magic words that guarantee successful movie entertainment: "Mysterious Robots From The Future". That and the other five magic words: "Killer Robots from the Future". T3 will have both. Mysterious robots from the future are scary but end up being good, and killer robots from the future are bad and must be defeated, and it is in the complex interplay between the two kinds of robots from the future that the whole of the human condition can be limned.
What we are looking here for is for the T3 makers to up the ante from the previous T movies' use of mysterious robots from the future and killer robots from the future. Schwarzenegger made the all but impossible transition from killer robot from the future to mysterious robot from the future in the first two movies, which gave everyone a reason to see the same movie twice and feel they were seeing a new movie. It also-being a good robot-laid the groundwork for his emerging political career. Now in T3 he will be a mysterious robot from the future again, meaning a good robot, meaning potential Governor of California. How he well battles the Killer Robots from the Future will go along way towards determining whether he gets to live in Sacramento for four years. So big things are at stake and they need something new and compelling for T3, not so much that it would rock the boat, just enough to talk about and buy a ticket for. This is what I am looking forward to:
1)Mysterious Hot Chick Robots from the Future
2) Killer Hot Chick Robots from the Future.
Let's face it, all the Terminator series is lacking is hot chick robots: They have nowhere else to go; they've done everything else. The tough thing is, how does Arnold battle hot chick robots-some of whom are bound to be hot for him-and keep his Republican base in line? He's got to strip down once or twice early on so we can see his heart trouble hasn't turned him into a geeky liberal tofu chewer, and the hot chick robots he is battling will have to strip down a few times to reveal some chrome bumper action. But not too much. Twelve year old boys have to be able to pay their way in and voting grandmas can't be annoyed. This is movie making at its most complex.
But I know they can pull this off, because they are all geniuses. As I see it, the film will unfold like this: First some Killer Robots from the Future will crunch around a ruined city on human bones shooting their guns as they stomp about, and then there will be a really big explosion. Arnold will show up and stomp around too and we will think he has become a Killer Robot because he will be wiping people out but then it will turn out that nothing we were watching was AS IT SEEMED. And nobody really got kiled and Arnold isn't a kiler robot after all. Then and only then will the Hot Chick Killer Robots From the Future show up, and Arnold who now again a Mystery Robot will have his hands full for awhile, first being pushed around by them but then getting the upper hand, one way or the other. After he whips the Killer Hot Chick Robots he can be governor and deal with fake energy crises with his mighty powers. Which will be cool too.
prereviewer - Matt Freedman, 4/27/03
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Charlie's Angels
I saw this trailer about 8 months ago and I swear that one of the angels rescued the other two angles who were falling off a bridge by picking them up with a helicopter. But that can't be possible. The rotors would shred them to bits. Maybe she turned the helicopter on it's side so they fell into the door. She must be a good pilot to pull that off. I can't remember for the life of me. I remember that the drop seemed awful long.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 4/27/03

Dumber and Dumberer
This is a spectacularly bad idea. Remake my favorite comedy since "The Jerk", only without the original actors. Stupid stupid stupid idea .. oh wait. Maybe that's the point. Why did I like the original? Because he tried to impress the girl with his "rapist's" wit. Yes I'm in a quandary. All my spidey senses are telling me to run, but I have a nagging doubt, "maybe this will be the best dumb guy movie ever made, ever." dude.

prereviewer - Joe McKay, 6/05/03
Wow. I already prereviewed this movie and forgot till I posted it. must be Carma.

Matthew Barney's Cremaster Cycle
I should start right out by saying that I did see one of the Cremaster movies a while back, but I don't know which one and I don't remember if I saw the whole thing. I'm guessing that any one serves as a trailer for the others, so I think this is still a PreReview.
If there is any major question brought up by Matthew Barney's magnum opus, it is this: why do CD players have a "shuffle" feature while DVD players do not? At first I was thinking that instead of paying $10 a pop for the other four Cremaster movies, I could simply rent "The Lord of the Rings" and turn the sound off, perhaps watching it while listening to Bjork. But that would make too much sense. So I'm proposing that the next line of DVD players come equipped with a Cremaster button, randomly shuffling the scenes of any movie we wish. But not just any movie. We know that if anything, Mr. Barney has particular tastes. That is why I am proposing the following, just as a suggestion, for simulating your own Cremaster with one of these newly enhanced DVD players.
Shuffle the following:
Cremaster 1: The Clash of the Titans or Joseph Campbell's Mythos
Cremaster 2: When Animals Attack: Things We Can't Show on TV Vol. 2
Cremaster 3: Sports Illustrated Greatest Moments of the NFL Vol. X
Cremaster 4: any film with "Lord" in its title
Cremaster 5: The Never Ending Story
But this is a PreReview, so I should at least comment on my anticipated reaction to the films: I'm going to enjoy them immensely, then complain. Why like them, you might ask? For the same reason that everyone else likes them: you get to sit on your ass for two hours and look at art. Have you been to Chelsea lately? It takes four goddamn hours to trek around those barren streets. And furthermore, there is no train that dumps you off near any of it. Sounds like a good reason to go to Film Forum to me. Why should I take a train ride to the Guggenheim, spend $15 to walk down a spiral ramp when I can save $5, get off of my feet and eat Goobers in the dark? Forget the money, forget the good looks, Matthew Barney has us beat because people (including myself) are lazy bastards who like to bitch about successful self-indulgent superstars. See you there!
prereviewer - Matt King , 5/10/03
Matt lives in the lower east side of Mahattan, and works about five blocks from his apartment. Chelsea is a 15 minute walk from his house. The Cremaster series is playing at a theater between him and work (the only theatre it's playing at - anywhere).
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Daddy Daycare
Well, they've sure taken the pulse of the movie-going public: Domestication of the Male. (Arnold did it first, nya, nya.) Cute kids, talking animals. Pot-shots at elitist schooling (with a Famous Actress headmistress, so she can't be all bad). Interesting how the google-hits for Angelica Huston hyperbolize, euphemize, and otherwise circumvent(ize) the question of whether she's attractive ("angular" is big), before they light on the relatively safer ground of Is She Still In Famous Daddy's Shadow.
The thing that stays with me from Beverly Hills Cop is the rivetting athleticism with which Eddie Murphy wore his blue jeans. Doubt if we'll see much of that here, judging from the stills. The dog looks to be the same one that starred in Peter Pan. I'm so tired of talking dogs. My favourite movie animal appearance was when that guy tried to jump-start the dog's heart with the two ends of a lamp cord, in Something About Mary, and the dog flew up and whapped the ceiling.
Here's what would make me go to it: the still of the breakfast nook. I'm a sucker for breakfast nooks, yes, and this one appears to have all the appealing elements. There's that puke-making everything's-right-with-America morning sunlight that drenches Driving Miss Daisy, for one thing. And it's coming in through VENETIAN BLINDS! Yay! Venetian blinds in black-and-white, hallmark of film noir, surly private detectives with scruffy scrotums (they sleep on the sofas in their offices, there's no shower, how could they not be scruffy?), transmogrified by the magic of colour into the domestic world of corn flakes, jammies, cute lines for the kiddies before Daddy goes off to work. Or in this case, I gather, stays home.
I'm stuck with the stills. Every time I try to run the trailer, from whatever site, I get knocked off-line. Is Somebody Up There trying to tell me something? Is there a God, or do I just need an upgrade?
prereviewer - Jean McKay , 5/06/03

Willard
Crispen Glover cast as a scary rat dude. Sounds like a win win scenario. But will it be shivery/scary-like-the-Shining, or cutsie/creepy-like-Edward Scissorhands? My hunch: Willard will fail to dive to the depths of truly terrifying but rather skim the surface of goofy goth. Pity.
prereviewer - Sally McKay, 5/01/03

Bruce Almighty
Maybe in a parallel universe there is a version of me that will not see this movie. How do I get into that world? Sigh. I KNOW that the preview has the funniest bits. And they aren't even all that funny. Jennifer Anniston! eugh. That chick doesn't have a funny bone in her body. And Jim Carey really consigned himself to the doghouse with that yawnsville drek of a movie called Me, Myself and Irene. BORing. not worth renting. This one is going to be just as bad or worse. But the sad fact is that in this universe, the quarks that make up Sally McKay are set to spin on a collision course with a screening of Bruce Almighty. The really sad fact is that I will undoubtedly laugh out loud. Perhaps even more than once. AND I will retell parts of it to my friends. Thank goodness I have patient friends.
prereviewer - Sally McKay, 5/01/03
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Teenage girl goes to Europe (I can't remember the title)
The one line that really stood out from the commercial was from this Italian guy saying to the heroine, "You've come all this way, why not see what the real Rome is like?" And then they go zipping off together on his scooter. There's a ring of truth to this dialogue, that could only ring truer if he had his dick in his hand. This is one of those movies where a young girl learns a valuable life lesson - be yourself, quirks and all, and the boys will like you all the more. This is not such a bad lesson for the young, and the young at heart in all of us*

* Results may vary. Works better if you have perky little "I'm going to be seventeen forever" breasts, and don't mind giving BJ's to Italian street kids behind the Trevi Fountain.
prereviewer - Joe McKay, 4/27/03