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Samples
My Major (Paper #1)
Intro / thesis
| At
a reception during my freshman year of college, a Jesuit theology
professor astonished me by explaining how he would spend an
hour with each painting he looked at in a museum."What
kind of lunatic sits and stares at a painting for an hour?"
I asked myself. But as Father Walsh explained his methodology
to me, I began to see my understanding of art as narrow and
immature. Within two months of my conversation with Father Walsh,
I caught myself staring dumbstruck at the Norton Simon Museum?s
Vincent Van Gogh painting "The Mulberry Tree." An
hour later, I was still standing there. That day, I decided
to major in art history. That major will allow me to
explore my interest in the aesthetic beauty of art while helping
the students I will teach better understand themselves and the
world's cultures. |
This intro
uses an anecdote to draw the reader into the essay (a quote,
statistic, or example of some type could also have accomplished
the same goal).
The thesis statement identifies a personal
and a social reason for this choice of major. The body paragraphs
will follow this order: paragraphs about personal reasons
preceding paragraphs about social reasons. |
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Body Paragraph
| While
many educators worry that students today do not know geography,
history, math, and science, I worry about how few
students have the knowledge they need to understand themselves
and their world through art. A recent survey by the
College Board discovered that "nine out of ten American
high school students" could not name one major painting
or sculpture that they "admired or found interesting"
(National Center for Educational Statistics 12b). While some
educators despair that too many children do not know the capital
of North Dakota and cannot point to Zimbabwe on a map, I find
the lack of experience with great art suggested by this College
Board statistic just as disturbing. When a young person has
not spent the time to understand a work of art and personally
reflect upon and think about that work, the student has lost
a precious opportunity to experience that creative power of
the human spirit. A child who has not reveled in the joy of
someone els's artistic vision has missed a chance to explore
her or his own creative soul. In turn, a lack of contact with
our own spirit and creativity obstructs our ability to appreciate
the art and expression of people form cultures different than
our own. As an art history teacher, I hope to work
to change the ignorance of art that this College Board study
revealed. And by helping students appreciate art, I hope to
help them better understand themselves and the world around
them. |
The topic
sentence connects an art history major to the writer's social
views.
The sentence presents only one statistic
and explains that statistic in clear language followed by
a correct in-text citation.
This sentence makes the relationship
between the topic sentence and the statistic clear.
These sentences elaborate upon what
the statistic means to the writer.
The clincher sentences make the crucial
connection back to the thesis and purpose of this essay
(to provide personal and social reasons for your choice
of major). |
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Conclusion
| Last
month, I met Father Walsh for lunch at the National Museum
of Art. Together we sat down in front of Picasso's "Saltambiques"
and spent an hour. I do not really know what Father Walsh
saw in that painting, but I saw a future of beauty and hope
for myself as I dreamed of a life spent studying the inspiring
beauty of art and teaching others about the joy that inspiration
can bring to all of our lives. |
This conclusion
frames the essay by bringing the reader back to the anecdote
presented in the intro. Although it does reiterate the essay's
thesis, this conclusion does so with alternative language
and an interesting anecdote. |
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Annotated Bibliography Entries
For a Journal Article
Morley,
Brian. "The Impact of Health Care Budget Cuts on Rural
Communities."
Public Health Quarterly 47 (2003):
14-71. Morley argues that health
care budget cuts
not only undermine the "quality of life" of
some of
the poorest Americans
but also that these cuts ultimately cost tax
payers more because
of increased reliance upon Emergency room and
other costly "late
stage medical interventions" (42). To
support his
thesis, Morley studies
health care budgets and hospital records in ten
rural counties across
the South. I think Morley's
piece will help me
clearly define the
problem created by cuts in health services to
America's poor and
why these cuts are an important issue for all
Americans. Because
the final pages of the essay (62-65) discuss ways
for the government
to address this issue, I also expect to use Morley's
research when I write
my proposing a solution essay.
Finally, the
article has an outstanding
bibliography that goes up to January of
2004.
On the negative side,
Morley on looks at rural counties in the
South. I will need
to supplement his research with more information
about urban areas
and other regions of the country.
|
This entry
covers the key elements:
1) paraphrases thesis
2) explains method
3) explains how the writer plans
to use this source in project
4) evaluates bibliography or notes
5) identifies weakness or gaps in
the article |
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For a Web Site
| Dillow, Ben.
Diary of an Unemployed American. 4 August 2003. 28
Jan 2004.
<http://unemploymentsucks.dillow.com>. Ben Dillow's
web site
about provides one man's perspective
on his experience as an
unemployed American. Dillow has
no data, a definite bias against
conservative republicans, and embarrassingly
poor grammar. Despite
these limitations, Dillow's site provides a crucial glimpse
into the
psychological agony unemployed Americans endure. I plan
to refer to
the site in both my description of theproblem and in
proposal for a
solution (I want to use Dillow as a framing device in
myintro and
conclusion).
|
Significantly
shorter than the journal or book article entry, the web
site entry evaluates the trustworthiness of the resource
and explains how the author intends to use Dillow's site
in her paper. |
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Paper #2 Sample Thesis
Statements
| Example
#1:
Rapidly approaching epidemic proportions, childhood
obesity distorts our economy, undermines our education system,
and increases health care costs."
Example #2:
Unchecked illegal immigration drives down wages,
overloads school and health care systems, and leaves the
immigrants themselves vulnerable to abuse."
Example #3
Non-active sentence structures muffle the creative
insights of writers in overblown prose, generate a host
of basic grammar confusions, and drive already demented
college instructors to distraction. |
Example
#1 identifies the problem and outlines three issues the
writer will examine in the paper. The writer can then devote
on or two paragraphs to each of these three impacts. If
the writer feels she or he must have an introduction, some
introductory sentences could discuss how much childhood
obesity has increased over the past ten years. Note that
this thesis does not discuss the impact that obesity has
on individual obese Americans. The thesis focuses on the
broad social impacts. |
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Peer Critique
| 1. Read
for a First Impression.
It’s a very neat story. After reading it, I got the
impression that Nooshin was important to you because she
was like a sister to you, but how has she really affected
you? Are you trying to say that her personality is what
affected you? Overall, I liked your story, because I can
relate to it too.
2. Consider How Vividly the Person Is Described.
I like how you described her character of when she was
little. I get the sense that she is a very free-spirited
person and she is just like any other kid, where she likes
to play and use her wild imagination; just another mischievous,
out-going little kid who longs for friends and family. Maybe
you can go into more detail about that. Put in your feelings
of how when you see her, she’s just like any other
normal little kid, but then on the inside, her feelings
of jealousy and loneliness were kept hidden from everybody
else until that incident. That may help to add to your description
of her. You can also add descriptions of how you see her
now or when she was graduating. That can help the reader
see how she has changed or stayed the same. You can show
your views on whether or not you think she has changed to
further enhance her unique personality.
3. Consider the Effectiveness of Anecdotes and Recurring
Events.
I liked your anecdote. It shows how she is just a little
kid who means no harm, but that everybody makes mistakes.
She took this accident more severely than how others would,
and you tell us that. Consider showing the readers, instead
of just telling us what happened. It may be more effective
that way. I suggest using dialogue in place where you quickly
tell of the conversation between your mom and Nooshin. One
part that I think you should elaborate on is: why was she
so afraid of going back home? Was it because of her mother?
Was her mother mean to her or was it just because she never
really had time to be there for her daughter? This can also
be included in the dialogue (if you want to) between your
mom and Nooshin. You can show why she feels that way by
letting her “talk”.
I was also a bit confused on this anecdote that you used.
You started off your paper saying that she succeeded in
everything, but then you knew where her “Achilles’
heel was” and that, “Its unbelievable to think
about the day that my family realized what trouble Nooshin
could cause if she chose to do so.” At first when
you said that, I got the impression (and because you told
me) that you were going to tell us about how she was expected
to be successful and how she wasn’t always that way.
I get that, but then you lead the reader into a flashback
to where she was little and caused a minor trouble. When
you do this, it makes it seem like you’re saying that
Nooshin was always successful and never caused any trouble
whatsoever up until that point. This makes it sound like
little kids never cause trouble. Isn’t that part of
their nature though? I think the anecdote doesn’t
really fit here or it’s just that you should make
your thoughts a bit more clear. I think the incident that
you chose is fine, but then I think you should place it
somewhere else. (Look at number 5: my suggestions on where
to place your anecdote.)
4. Assess Whether the Significance Is Clear.
Your paragraph of when your mom was talking to Nooshin
about her mistake is a very important one I think. That
is why I think you should make it into dialogue and really
show how and why Nooshin felt that way. Then at the end
you can place in your reflection of how she has grown or
changed (of when you are looking at her now at her graduation
and when she was little and that incident occurred). That
way, you can show more of why she is so important to you.
5. Analyze the Effectiveness of the Organization.
I think to make your essay stride more towards what you’re
trying to tell the readers—about Nooshin and how she
was a very important person in your life, you can shift
some events around. Maybe you can shift the graduation scene
to the beginning, to the start of your paper. Then you can
tell the readers about how you were at her graduation, and
when you saw her in her graduation gown, that made you think
of something that happened when she was little; how she
wasn’t always like this. Then you can place in your
anecdote and begin to describe her by showing readers how
she acts. Was the way she acted when she was little different
from what you see now (how you see her now)? How has that
particular incident affected you and was that why you had
a different view of her, or had you always admired her?
Also, at the end you put: “I will never forget the
laughs and knowledge that Nooshin has brought into my life,
for as long as I live.” You don’t really show
that in your paper. In what way has she done that? Was it
that particular incident that made you see her in her true
light? It seems that the anecdote that you chose to describe
mainly tells the readers what Nooshin was like. You don’t
really say how you envied her when you were little, or what
you envied of her. Was it her time with you that made you
discover who she really is? (By the way, you can use metaphors
or similes to give the readers a better image, or more insight
to how Nooshin really is.) |
First impression response records
positive impressions but also raises a question about the
text.
Look at the degree of detail. The
critique writer lets the essay writer know how the reader
understands the essay.
The reader also makes constructive
suggestions to the writer: concrete ideas.
Although the reader liked the anecdote,
she clearly felt the writer could significantly improve
it and suggested strategies for doing so.
The questions help the writer see
what she or he is not communicating to the reader.
Again, the reader tells the writer
what she understands the writer to be saying or not saying,
providing the writer with an audience.
The reader states what she understands
to be the significance. Again, the reader offers concrete
recommendations.
The detail here is phenomenal. This
writer was fortunate indeed to have such a thoughtful and
careful critic! |
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Researched Argument (from
Schlosser)
Page 50
| According
to these documents, the marketing alliances with other brands
were intended to create positive feelings about McDonald's,
making consumers associate one thing they liked with another.
Ads would link the company's french fries "to the excitement
and fanaticism people feel about eh NBA." The feelings
of pride inspired by the Olympics would be used in ads to
help launch a new hamburger with more meat than the Big
Mac. The link with Walt Disney Company was considered by
far the most important, designed to" enhance perceptions
of Brand McDonald's." A memo sought to explain the
underlying psychology behind many visits to McDonald's:
parents took their children to McDonald's because they "want
the kids to love them...it makes them feel like a good parent."
Purchasing something from Disney was the "ultimate"
way to make kids happy, but it was too expensive to do every
day. The advertising needed to capitalize on these feelings,
letting parents know that "ONLY MCDONALD"S MAKES
IT EASY TO GET A BIT OF DISNEY MAGIC." The ads aimed
at minivan parents would carry an unspoken message about
taking your children to McDonald's: "It's an easy way
to feel like a good parent."
|
Sentence
#1: The introductory adjective phrase provides
a transition from the previous paragraph as well as some
initial sentence variety. Although written in passive voice,
the main clause provides the topic sentence for the paragraph.
The final trailing pariticipial phrase adds some terminal
variety to the sentence as it clarifies the unifying idea
of the paragraph.
Sentence #2: Written
in active voice, this simple sentence introduces and sets
up the brief quote integrated at the end of the sentence.
Sentence #3: This
passive voice sentence presents and explains another related
example and concludes with a prepositional phrase.
Sentence #4: Again
begins with the grammarical subject and relies on passive
voice, but this sentence also artfully integrates a quote
embedded in a trailing participial (past participle) phrase.
Sentence #5 Perhaps
the strongest sentence in the paragraph, this active voice
main clause sets up a colon before a clarifying statement.
The quote included after the colon is probably the most
powerful of the paragraph. Note how Shlosser uses an ellipsis
to leave out unnecessary words.
Sentence #6 An introductory
gerund phrase provides initiaul variety to a sentence characterized
by "state of being" verbs.
Sentence #7 Another
active voice sentence, this time ending with a quote explaining
why McD's so valued the connection to Disney.
Sentence #8 The
clincher, also in active voice, uses a colon to set up a
quote that the sentence explains in the clause before the
colon. Yes, you can end a parargraph with a quote if you
explain the quote before you introduce it, as Schlosser
so effectively demonstrates here. |
| Summary
comment: This eight sentence,
nearly 200 word paragraph demonstrates thorough development,
solid sentence variety, excellent integration of brief quotations,
a clear transition from the previous paragraph, a unifying
idea presented early in the paragraph (topic sentence), and
a clincher sentence that develops the idea advanced in the
topic sentence and connects the paragraph back the the main
argument of the chapter. |
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Page last updated:
16 February, 2004
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