Posted February 3

Gong Xi Fa Cai!!

I'd just like to point out to everyone that the Velvet Underground song "There She Goes Again" is completely--but completely--ripped off from the Rolling Stones song "Hitch Hike". I had noticed it before but forgotten until just now. The Velvet Underground song is still great, though. And have you listened to the Stones song "Under-assistant West Coast Promo Man" lately? It rocks.

And now, I said before I was going to put that easier-than cake mix recipe up, and I will in a little while, but first I have to say something about James Lileks' advocacy of frozen, crustless PB&J sanwiches. Let me first say that Mr. Lileks is an excellent parent and I'm sure little Gnat eats very well. But this seems to be a solution to a non-problem, or at least a problem with simpler, cheaper solutions. Here are two suggested ones:

1. Instead of taking a frozen Uncrustables-tm out of the freezer at the beginning of the day, how about taking the natural peanut butter out and leaving it on the counter so it's all nice and soft when the time comes? It deosn't separate that fast, you know. And when it does, you just have to...well..stir it up.
2. Or, since the peanut butter in the Uncrustables is surely no great shakes, how about just buying some Jif? (this was John's idea) Reduced-sugar Jif, if we've decided to get our hippy on?

I think Mr. Lileks is probably just funning us with the Uncrustables to some degree, hoping that people will send him angry emails about how he's not feeding his child properly and is also propping up the Smuckers-Industrial complex of overly processed foods. But his comment about how Gnat hadn't yet started to hate crusts got me thinking. The truth is, she won't, necessarily hate crusts ever. Some people, even children, think crusts are extra tasty. (French people, for example.) And did you know that it's not just some sort of puritanical streak in you that makes you think that if bread crusts are not as well-loved they must be extra good for you: they actually are. If there's a problem in a sandwich setting it's usually that the fillings weren't spread all the way to the edge and dry packaged white bread is sort of blah. My old boyfriend used to make the most pitiful sandwiches ever, with all the filling arranged in a sphere with the smallest possible surface area, right in the middle of the sandwich, and vast, dusty acres of plain bread around. I gradually came to the conclusion that he was doing this on purpose so that I would make him sandwiches, with things like tapenade and washed baby greens on them. It worked anyway.

But if there is one thing living in Asia with a toddler has taught me, it's that there are no hard and fast rules for what children will like to eat. Zoë was feeling queasy after a bout of stomach flu, so our wonderful maid Tena made her some traditional, pick-me-up Filippino soup, such as you would give to a queasy child. It was based on--wait for it--dried squid. I had had the flu also, and had been barfed on about ten times, which often makes you feel extra queasy. I could barely stand to be in the kitchen with this pungent aroma wafting out of the little pot. And Zoë? She ate it right up. So, as the New York Lottery people like to say, you never know. If you give the impression that crusts are nasty things children don't eat, they probably won't eat them. But even this may not work; I remember being utterly mystified as a child by the presumption, widely disseminated in Saturday-morning cartoons, that spinach is a vile substance no self-respecting child would eat. Same with lima beans. Now, I prefer fresh ones, maybe butterbeans, actually, but hot damn! I could go for some right now! And I've always loved spinach. I've come to the conclusion, after wearying minutes of watching Popeye, that back in the olden days people used to eat canned spinach. I have never tried it, but I'm willing to believe it is unbelievably foul. What's that? Like Foul Medames, those tasty white beans? As the friendly Egyptian people suggest, "surprise your family tonight with a nice Foul meal." Now that's something they won't be expecting.


Posted February 3
Re: the whole frozen, crustless pbj question. As Belle points out, this is a solution to a non-problem. But if there's one thing the internet boom taught us all it is that any solution to a non-problem can become a non-solution to a problem. If. you. will. just. think. outside. the. box.

My suggestion: Lileks should, as per above, buy Jif. But. He should freeze it. Unnecessary, obviously, but work with me on this one. And, when the time comes he should nuke it, so that it achieves the proper, unfrozen, soft consistency.

Advantage. When people ask him what he's doing - anyone who happens to be in his house. (The Giant Swede, for example; or Gnat or Jasper or his wife, for that matter.) He can say - gazing intelligently at the little pot as it goes round and round on the glass rotating thing in his microwave oven: I'm just trying to get my rotating jif to look just right. Because everyone knows: rotating GIFs are where it's at.

If only it were still 1998, Lileks could probably get start-up seed money to feed his kid. The whole world was younger then.