Mon - May 8, 2006
little bit of a kitten
there's this sharp pain in my stomach that I
can't seem to get rid of... might have something to do with that
hyperventilating I did earlier...
it's been a bad day.
our kitten (and yes, she is still a kitten, even 7 years later) has been on her last legs for most of her life. long story short, she came damaged, no one could fix her, and while we did our best to make the life she was allotted a happy one, it was well and truly time to throw in the towel.
the reality of hyperventilating is very strange... i kept thinking, okay, this is melodramatic. but i couldn't stop. i could either not breathe at all, or i could breathe really fast and hard. neither was doing much for the increasing numbness in my face or the swirling effect of the walls around me.
and then karen gave me a bag to breathe into.... and though i felt even more ridiculous (which i wouldn't have thought possible), it actually did work. go figure. tv proves its worth once again.
oh, my baby....
little bit was so very brave, and so very smart... she once picked up a quarter off a hard surface with one paw. she came to us so very tiny... and she never got big.
lol... scout's come to help. those of you who've met scout know this means she's come to yell at me.... now she's laying very near, purring very loud and doing kneady paws. (it's easy to make the mistake of thinking scout's bitchy. she's not. she can't help that her voice sounds like that.)
bitten is gone now... we felt her leave under our hands...
i'm thrilled for her that she doesn't have to hurt anymore...
i wish i could have made her better.
it's been a bad day.
our kitten (and yes, she is still a kitten, even 7 years later) has been on her last legs for most of her life. long story short, she came damaged, no one could fix her, and while we did our best to make the life she was allotted a happy one, it was well and truly time to throw in the towel.
the reality of hyperventilating is very strange... i kept thinking, okay, this is melodramatic. but i couldn't stop. i could either not breathe at all, or i could breathe really fast and hard. neither was doing much for the increasing numbness in my face or the swirling effect of the walls around me.
and then karen gave me a bag to breathe into.... and though i felt even more ridiculous (which i wouldn't have thought possible), it actually did work. go figure. tv proves its worth once again.
oh, my baby....
little bit was so very brave, and so very smart... she once picked up a quarter off a hard surface with one paw. she came to us so very tiny... and she never got big.
lol... scout's come to help. those of you who've met scout know this means she's come to yell at me.... now she's laying very near, purring very loud and doing kneady paws. (it's easy to make the mistake of thinking scout's bitchy. she's not. she can't help that her voice sounds like that.)
bitten is gone now... we felt her leave under our hands...
i'm thrilled for her that she doesn't have to hurt anymore...
i wish i could have made her better.
Posted at 05:49 PM Read More
Thu - May 19, 2005
Mamaw Loves Me
So, my grandmother is giving me her car
because she's decided it's time for her to retire from
driving.
On the one hand, this is fabulous news because if there were ever two people in the world who needed a second car, it's K and I. We've been commuting to work across town on different schedules for almost a year now. That means that either I drive K in the morning and kill time up there until my job starts, or she comes back down to get me on her lunch hour. Neither are ideal, but we've been making it work and praying that my car holds out.
On the other hand, this is possibly even better news because she's not going to be behind the wheel anymore. See, my best friend studies brain function in the elderly, so I've been painfully aware for some years now of exactly how dangerous my beloved grandmother's continued driving has been. Sure, it might have been obvious anyway. She's not exactly spry anymore, and my dad told me how crossing a street has became something she needs to take breaks in the middle of.... but I can't tell you how often Aud and I have intoned "Mandatory. Annual. Testing." to each other after the latest example she encounters of the sweet old person plowing their car into an open air market. We both believe that the DMV has things a little backwards when they let elderly people go longer amounts of time between driving tests. I can now officially stop having the nightmare where I get the call that Mamaw has driven through a building.
And on that elusive other hand.... this is... heart-breaking. Terrifying. One more sign that my Mamaw will not be here forever.
... That damned third hand seems to be overshadowing the other two.
On the one hand, this is fabulous news because if there were ever two people in the world who needed a second car, it's K and I. We've been commuting to work across town on different schedules for almost a year now. That means that either I drive K in the morning and kill time up there until my job starts, or she comes back down to get me on her lunch hour. Neither are ideal, but we've been making it work and praying that my car holds out.
On the other hand, this is possibly even better news because she's not going to be behind the wheel anymore. See, my best friend studies brain function in the elderly, so I've been painfully aware for some years now of exactly how dangerous my beloved grandmother's continued driving has been. Sure, it might have been obvious anyway. She's not exactly spry anymore, and my dad told me how crossing a street has became something she needs to take breaks in the middle of.... but I can't tell you how often Aud and I have intoned "Mandatory. Annual. Testing." to each other after the latest example she encounters of the sweet old person plowing their car into an open air market. We both believe that the DMV has things a little backwards when they let elderly people go longer amounts of time between driving tests. I can now officially stop having the nightmare where I get the call that Mamaw has driven through a building.
And on that elusive other hand.... this is... heart-breaking. Terrifying. One more sign that my Mamaw will not be here forever.
... That damned third hand seems to be overshadowing the other two.
Posted at 08:06 PM Read More
Thu - April 14, 2005
Dude.
Grrrrrrrrrr.
Don't Shoot the Cat.
And no, drowning is not okay either.
(Thank you, Aimee, for pointing this one out.)
Don't Shoot the Cat.
And no, drowning is not okay either.
(Thank you, Aimee, for pointing this one out.)
Posted at 09:48 AM Read More
Thu - November 25, 2004
Surviving
I don't like talking about
depression.
I don't like complaining. I don't like making people feel like they need to build me up by telling me how great I am. I don't like scaring people. I don't like being so... tiresome.
Which is funny, considering that I have near-endless patience for other people's problems... It's just my own that I find so annoying. I start talking about being depressed, and the suddenly the sound of my own voice is nauseating...
The problem is, when there's something I'm trying not to talk about, I can't talk about anything. I don't write here. I've barely touched my paper journal (the one that usually looks like this.) I don't answer the phone. I don't call anyone or email anyone (granted, never a strong point for me, but lately....)
It's been bad lately.
I'm nearing the point when I won't be able to blame this on Zoloft withdrawals anymore... I may already be there. I'm exhausted all the time. My temper and my tears are both painfully close to the surface. I keep thinking about cutting myself; my exacto knife may be fantastically useful, but I don't like how tempting it's become.
(Side note: It's got to be incredibly cathartic, though, right? I mean... there are certainly worse ways of getting your angst out. And decorative scarring is something people do as an alternative to tattoo these days. Not that I'm going to do it, so calm down, I'm just saying...)
And then there are the really bad days. A few days ago I had this stunning moment of clarity when suddenly I knew that I was far too useless and lazy to function on Earth. That it would be better for everyone if I just wasn't here. Luckily (I suppose) I couldn't convince myself that death really is the end, so you're all stuck with me.
So maybe I simply am a person that really needs Zoloft. And that's fine, but having my thyroid meds off-balance can also cause depression. I really need to get that sorted out properly before I can make an intelligent decision about the other.
I also have to hold on long enough to get all this worked out.
What am I asking Santa for? Health insurance.
I don't like complaining. I don't like making people feel like they need to build me up by telling me how great I am. I don't like scaring people. I don't like being so... tiresome.
Which is funny, considering that I have near-endless patience for other people's problems... It's just my own that I find so annoying. I start talking about being depressed, and the suddenly the sound of my own voice is nauseating...
The problem is, when there's something I'm trying not to talk about, I can't talk about anything. I don't write here. I've barely touched my paper journal (the one that usually looks like this.) I don't answer the phone. I don't call anyone or email anyone (granted, never a strong point for me, but lately....)
It's been bad lately.
I'm nearing the point when I won't be able to blame this on Zoloft withdrawals anymore... I may already be there. I'm exhausted all the time. My temper and my tears are both painfully close to the surface. I keep thinking about cutting myself; my exacto knife may be fantastically useful, but I don't like how tempting it's become.
(Side note: It's got to be incredibly cathartic, though, right? I mean... there are certainly worse ways of getting your angst out. And decorative scarring is something people do as an alternative to tattoo these days. Not that I'm going to do it, so calm down, I'm just saying...)
And then there are the really bad days. A few days ago I had this stunning moment of clarity when suddenly I knew that I was far too useless and lazy to function on Earth. That it would be better for everyone if I just wasn't here. Luckily (I suppose) I couldn't convince myself that death really is the end, so you're all stuck with me.
So maybe I simply am a person that really needs Zoloft. And that's fine, but having my thyroid meds off-balance can also cause depression. I really need to get that sorted out properly before I can make an intelligent decision about the other.
I also have to hold on long enough to get all this worked out.
What am I asking Santa for? Health insurance.
Posted at 07:53 PM Read More
Tue - October 19, 2004
Loss and Gain & Gain and Loss
(Note: Single quotation marks are things I'm
reasonably certain I got right, but I could be off. Regular quotes are moments
of conversation etched into my
brain.)
A very, very old (and in recent years quasi-estranged) friend totally tried to hard-sell me on taking Ecst*sy last night.
.....
He came through to see us, take us out to dinner. Time out from his busy life running after-hours clubs up north.... There was a gathering of Cool Humans and there was beer and there was bad Italian food.
Much later, after everyone else had gone home or to bed, he and I were alone in my living room and he was talking to me about his recent forays into psycho-tropic drugs: The Just Say No campaigns are total propaganda. It can be safe and enriching. E started out as a therapy aid. And really, I thought, just look at him... So much internal baggage gone, so much obviously worked through, so many walls behind his eyes demolished.
Even I, the girl who's never really even been drunk, have been curious about the... spiritual and personal therapy applications of certain drugs. I told him about how I'd noticed a pattern in myself in the last few years; I keep trying to find people who could show me that drug use actually can be something that doesn't destroy your life. How my logical brain refuses to believe it's impossible... Also how spectacularly that keeps blowing up in my face. (See: Myrna, for one.)
And he said all the right things. He condemned pot and speed and coke. He talked about the importance of drinking plenty of water and taking the right sized dose and having a baby-sitter and especially of ensuring the substance is pure....
He encouraged me to do some research on it myself. He suggested that it could be a great tool for Karen and I to work through some issues and become closer than ever. (What five-year relationship doesn't have some baggage? Some things unsaid and grudges held too long?... And, Karen is... resistant to the idea of a couple's therapist.)
And I was intrigued.
I said, 'I'm still scared, but I'm also interested. I think I will research it.'
He said, 'No, I think you just jump. Right now. I will baby-sit you and it will be okay.'
I looked right in his eyes, " ...... Why should I?"
"..... Because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain."
Still looking right into his face... "No. That's not what I meant. I mean, why should I trust you?"
And he was shocked.
Blink, "... I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't...."
He got up to go to the bathroom (sudden memory of his girlfriend of a decade ago constantly teasing him about his small bladder and my constantly wishing she would stop), and I sat, transfixed. I was amazed that I had been so blunt, that I hadn't shrugged and averred and smoothed myself into the mold of what I thought someone else wanted from me, one. more. time.
And I just kept doing it.
He came back and I actually asked him why he'd come by.... It seemed like a good idea. Had to take her to the airport, was in the area, hadn't seen us for a while, etc, etc....
He said, sitting down, 'You look confused, what's up?'
And I'll be damned if I didn't actually, finally, Say It. I actually said that I felt like when he and I slept together (years ago now), he stopped being nearly the friend to me he'd been before. That the place I took that was that maybe his goal in our friendship was to get me in bed, and once that was done he was done with me.
Of course, I did it like I always do such things. Which is to say that I was monumentally diplomatic and therapisty and didn't let my rage surface at all. To the point that I didn't even remember it until later. I was so busy being understanding that it never occurred to me to point out that while, yes, our sleeping together coincided with a very tumultuous time for him, that did not explain the years since.
I'm still angry at myself for that, though Karen asserts that I did good. I was alone and vulnerable and I was true to myself. After he left and I was upstairs sitting in the bath beating on myself for 'doing it wrong,' she laughed at me, saying that doing it at all is what matters. If I'd swallowed my anger and not said anything (again), that would have been doing it wrong, but that finally saying something to him was right, infinitely right.
And I said 'no' when I felt 'no.' In my life that is pretty huge.
He asked me to take a leap of faith just because he asked it of me, and I was sitting there, looking at the echos of the boy I knew in this man, thinking that there was a time when that was all I would have needed to skydive. And being so very sad that I couldn't even pretend that was still true...
Sure, we're still friends and we still keep in touch, but I don't think I can express the friend he once was... If you're a Buffy fan, he was my Xander. If you're not.... he was the truest, most steadfast, most amazing friend you can imagine. There were times when he wanted more, and I knew that, but we were about more than that.
Or so I thought.
We'd actually kissed once before, but it was too much like kissing my brother, so I couldn't go there. He was one of those guys who are so awesome you wish you could force some further feeling... so when one day suddenly I did feel a spark of something more, I jumped at it. I was glad. It didn't even occur to me that sleeping with him would ruin our friendship, because how could it do anything but enrich us?
Heh. "Nothing to lose and everything to gain."
Right.
A very, very old (and in recent years quasi-estranged) friend totally tried to hard-sell me on taking Ecst*sy last night.
.....
He came through to see us, take us out to dinner. Time out from his busy life running after-hours clubs up north.... There was a gathering of Cool Humans and there was beer and there was bad Italian food.
Much later, after everyone else had gone home or to bed, he and I were alone in my living room and he was talking to me about his recent forays into psycho-tropic drugs: The Just Say No campaigns are total propaganda. It can be safe and enriching. E started out as a therapy aid. And really, I thought, just look at him... So much internal baggage gone, so much obviously worked through, so many walls behind his eyes demolished.
Even I, the girl who's never really even been drunk, have been curious about the... spiritual and personal therapy applications of certain drugs. I told him about how I'd noticed a pattern in myself in the last few years; I keep trying to find people who could show me that drug use actually can be something that doesn't destroy your life. How my logical brain refuses to believe it's impossible... Also how spectacularly that keeps blowing up in my face. (See: Myrna, for one.)
And he said all the right things. He condemned pot and speed and coke. He talked about the importance of drinking plenty of water and taking the right sized dose and having a baby-sitter and especially of ensuring the substance is pure....
He encouraged me to do some research on it myself. He suggested that it could be a great tool for Karen and I to work through some issues and become closer than ever. (What five-year relationship doesn't have some baggage? Some things unsaid and grudges held too long?... And, Karen is... resistant to the idea of a couple's therapist.)
And I was intrigued.
I said, 'I'm still scared, but I'm also interested. I think I will research it.'
He said, 'No, I think you just jump. Right now. I will baby-sit you and it will be okay.'
I looked right in his eyes, " ...... Why should I?"
"..... Because you have nothing to lose and everything to gain."
Still looking right into his face... "No. That's not what I meant. I mean, why should I trust you?"
And he was shocked.
Blink, "... I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't...."
He got up to go to the bathroom (sudden memory of his girlfriend of a decade ago constantly teasing him about his small bladder and my constantly wishing she would stop), and I sat, transfixed. I was amazed that I had been so blunt, that I hadn't shrugged and averred and smoothed myself into the mold of what I thought someone else wanted from me, one. more. time.
And I just kept doing it.
He came back and I actually asked him why he'd come by.... It seemed like a good idea. Had to take her to the airport, was in the area, hadn't seen us for a while, etc, etc....
He said, sitting down, 'You look confused, what's up?'
And I'll be damned if I didn't actually, finally, Say It. I actually said that I felt like when he and I slept together (years ago now), he stopped being nearly the friend to me he'd been before. That the place I took that was that maybe his goal in our friendship was to get me in bed, and once that was done he was done with me.
Of course, I did it like I always do such things. Which is to say that I was monumentally diplomatic and therapisty and didn't let my rage surface at all. To the point that I didn't even remember it until later. I was so busy being understanding that it never occurred to me to point out that while, yes, our sleeping together coincided with a very tumultuous time for him, that did not explain the years since.
I'm still angry at myself for that, though Karen asserts that I did good. I was alone and vulnerable and I was true to myself. After he left and I was upstairs sitting in the bath beating on myself for 'doing it wrong,' she laughed at me, saying that doing it at all is what matters. If I'd swallowed my anger and not said anything (again), that would have been doing it wrong, but that finally saying something to him was right, infinitely right.
And I said 'no' when I felt 'no.' In my life that is pretty huge.
He asked me to take a leap of faith just because he asked it of me, and I was sitting there, looking at the echos of the boy I knew in this man, thinking that there was a time when that was all I would have needed to skydive. And being so very sad that I couldn't even pretend that was still true...
Sure, we're still friends and we still keep in touch, but I don't think I can express the friend he once was... If you're a Buffy fan, he was my Xander. If you're not.... he was the truest, most steadfast, most amazing friend you can imagine. There were times when he wanted more, and I knew that, but we were about more than that.
Or so I thought.
We'd actually kissed once before, but it was too much like kissing my brother, so I couldn't go there. He was one of those guys who are so awesome you wish you could force some further feeling... so when one day suddenly I did feel a spark of something more, I jumped at it. I was glad. It didn't even occur to me that sleeping with him would ruin our friendship, because how could it do anything but enrich us?
Heh. "Nothing to lose and everything to gain."
Right.
Posted at 04:43 PM Read More
Sun - August 8, 2004
The damage Myrna's done.
Okay, so here's how it went
down.
As I may have mentioned, since going off those horrid medications, Karen has been rapidly losing weight. Because of this, it was a bit difficult to notice when the weight loss both sped up and switched causes.
Karen, being the person she is, pretty much ignored her symptoms until she was vomiting 8 times a day, constantly dizzy and in knee-buckling pain whenever anything touched one of her ears.
(I used to feel... quietly proud whenever a doctor would marvel at my pain threshold, but since knowing the Dyke Supermodel, I just have to shake my head a bit. Any doctor who's impressed by me just hasn't treated her for anything yet.)
So, at first we surmised that, in spite of all our care, my cold had transferred to her in the form of a raging ear infection. She went to see our doctor (Lois, because she reminds me a bit of Lois Lane), and Lois decided that while there was more going on, she could only treat one thing at a time, so started with the ear infections.
It's not only very rare for adults to get ear infections, it's all but unheard-of to get them in both ears at once. Chalk it up to K's overachieving nature.
Karen did a full course of ear drops (3 weeks) and lived with a heating pad attached to her face, and at the follow-up appointment reluctantly told Lois that she thought she needed more drops, as the pain hadn't really backed off.
Lois informed her that her ears were now perfectly clear and started playing with K's jaw.
Which, it seems, was dislocated.
(This is where the questions of physical violence and/or car crashes started coming up.)
Our beloved doctor (she's actually a physician's assistant, but why bother with such details? We like her better and see her far more anyway, so there you have it.) Anyway, our beloved doctor is a paragon of professionalism, and I believe her exact words were, "All the muscles on the right side of your head are JACKED UP!!"
After another week of muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories, Karen's jaw finally started shifting back into place and loosening enough to be reset.
See, it wasn't trauma that dislocated her jaw. It was stress.
And there's more.
That infection I gave her? I didn't give it to her at all. The muscles have been so tight they were pinching off the tubes in her ears and caused the infection. They were, in point of fact, on the verge of pinching off the blood vessels that go into her brain enough to be risking a stroke.
And, as if that's not frightening enough, my Karen, who has always had blood pressure low enough to make nurses triple-check their equipment, has had high blood pressure for months now.
Courting stroke on one side and heart attack on the other.
So, here's where I'm angry.
For whatever reason, some months ago Myrna decided she didn't want to live here anymore. She still hasn't actually explained that, but really she doesn't need to; not wanting to be here is plenty of reason to leave. She went on and on about how she had treated people so horribly when moving out in the past and that we had never been anything but good to her and we deserved so much more than that. This was all supposed to be friendly and reasonable.
The words were nice, but the intention lasted all of 37 seconds.
The thing is that we do deserve better than this.
We folded Myrna further into our hearts and life and home than anyone else has ever been. She was Karen's first attendant at our wedding. Karen's best friend and my virtual sister. We did everything we could to make her comfortable and happy and welcome, and we never even considered getting in her way when she decided to leave.
In return, she has gone out of her way to make everything hard and drawn out and painful and nasty.
She acts like this is a war and we are trying to... I don't know, score points against her? Win skirmishes?
The fact is that we have done what we needed to speed her departure because her presence became a health risk. Even before we got these professional opinions of what's been going on with Karen, we knew the stress of the situation was tearing her apart... This new... medical outline of the damage Myrna has been doing to K is merely another spark to the tinder of my rage.
I just don't understand how she can show not even the slightest hint of compassion or even try to communicate when she doesn't understand something we've done, instead of instantly jumping on the prickly defensive. Hell, she doesn't even go defensive, she jumps right past defense to offense anymore.
And yes, of course, I've known for months that I could probably sit her down and explain a few things and maybe she would snap out of it, at least for a bit. As I've said, though, I'm heartily sick of always having to point out reality to those who refuse to see it for themselves.
... Tomorrow is the deadline Myrna gave the police for moving her things out, and we haven't heard a word from her. I'm sure she'll drag things out as long as possible...
It's just all so... tiresome and childish... and so sadly beneath her.
At least the her I knew once, and love still.
As I may have mentioned, since going off those horrid medications, Karen has been rapidly losing weight. Because of this, it was a bit difficult to notice when the weight loss both sped up and switched causes.
Karen, being the person she is, pretty much ignored her symptoms until she was vomiting 8 times a day, constantly dizzy and in knee-buckling pain whenever anything touched one of her ears.
(I used to feel... quietly proud whenever a doctor would marvel at my pain threshold, but since knowing the Dyke Supermodel, I just have to shake my head a bit. Any doctor who's impressed by me just hasn't treated her for anything yet.)
So, at first we surmised that, in spite of all our care, my cold had transferred to her in the form of a raging ear infection. She went to see our doctor (Lois, because she reminds me a bit of Lois Lane), and Lois decided that while there was more going on, she could only treat one thing at a time, so started with the ear infections.
It's not only very rare for adults to get ear infections, it's all but unheard-of to get them in both ears at once. Chalk it up to K's overachieving nature.
Karen did a full course of ear drops (3 weeks) and lived with a heating pad attached to her face, and at the follow-up appointment reluctantly told Lois that she thought she needed more drops, as the pain hadn't really backed off.
Lois informed her that her ears were now perfectly clear and started playing with K's jaw.
Which, it seems, was dislocated.
(This is where the questions of physical violence and/or car crashes started coming up.)
Our beloved doctor (she's actually a physician's assistant, but why bother with such details? We like her better and see her far more anyway, so there you have it.) Anyway, our beloved doctor is a paragon of professionalism, and I believe her exact words were, "All the muscles on the right side of your head are JACKED UP!!"
After another week of muscle relaxers and anti-inflammatories, Karen's jaw finally started shifting back into place and loosening enough to be reset.
See, it wasn't trauma that dislocated her jaw. It was stress.
And there's more.
That infection I gave her? I didn't give it to her at all. The muscles have been so tight they were pinching off the tubes in her ears and caused the infection. They were, in point of fact, on the verge of pinching off the blood vessels that go into her brain enough to be risking a stroke.
And, as if that's not frightening enough, my Karen, who has always had blood pressure low enough to make nurses triple-check their equipment, has had high blood pressure for months now.
Courting stroke on one side and heart attack on the other.
So, here's where I'm angry.
For whatever reason, some months ago Myrna decided she didn't want to live here anymore. She still hasn't actually explained that, but really she doesn't need to; not wanting to be here is plenty of reason to leave. She went on and on about how she had treated people so horribly when moving out in the past and that we had never been anything but good to her and we deserved so much more than that. This was all supposed to be friendly and reasonable.
The words were nice, but the intention lasted all of 37 seconds.
The thing is that we do deserve better than this.
We folded Myrna further into our hearts and life and home than anyone else has ever been. She was Karen's first attendant at our wedding. Karen's best friend and my virtual sister. We did everything we could to make her comfortable and happy and welcome, and we never even considered getting in her way when she decided to leave.
In return, she has gone out of her way to make everything hard and drawn out and painful and nasty.
She acts like this is a war and we are trying to... I don't know, score points against her? Win skirmishes?
The fact is that we have done what we needed to speed her departure because her presence became a health risk. Even before we got these professional opinions of what's been going on with Karen, we knew the stress of the situation was tearing her apart... This new... medical outline of the damage Myrna has been doing to K is merely another spark to the tinder of my rage.
I just don't understand how she can show not even the slightest hint of compassion or even try to communicate when she doesn't understand something we've done, instead of instantly jumping on the prickly defensive. Hell, she doesn't even go defensive, she jumps right past defense to offense anymore.
And yes, of course, I've known for months that I could probably sit her down and explain a few things and maybe she would snap out of it, at least for a bit. As I've said, though, I'm heartily sick of always having to point out reality to those who refuse to see it for themselves.
... Tomorrow is the deadline Myrna gave the police for moving her things out, and we haven't heard a word from her. I'm sure she'll drag things out as long as possible...
It's just all so... tiresome and childish... and so sadly beneath her.
At least the her I knew once, and love still.
Posted at 12:05 AM Read More
Fri - June 25, 2004
A not so graceful goodbye....
Today there is nothing good or just or right
in the world.
My mother's dog has died.
Her very first real pet. The first creature I've ever had to really share her love with.
My mother, who's come so far. Who's done so much work on herself. Who's turned around an entire life of drugs and chaos and....
And then she found this... silly little dog. And I'm so proud of Mom for finally having this relationship. I was so excited to get to meet her, the animal that finally caught my mom's heart. And being me, I took, let's see...
49 pictures. And a movie.
It may have seemed a bit like overkill at the time...
But now she's gone. And it's not enough. Not even close.
Maggie... Megger....
And my poor, poor Momma....
I know she'll eventually be okay. I know grief passes with time. I know life is life and pets die and all that.
But today I just don't care.
My mother's dog has died.
Her very first real pet. The first creature I've ever had to really share her love with.
My mother, who's come so far. Who's done so much work on herself. Who's turned around an entire life of drugs and chaos and....
And then she found this... silly little dog. And I'm so proud of Mom for finally having this relationship. I was so excited to get to meet her, the animal that finally caught my mom's heart. And being me, I took, let's see...
49 pictures. And a movie.
It may have seemed a bit like overkill at the time...
But now she's gone. And it's not enough. Not even close.
Maggie... Megger....
And my poor, poor Momma....
I know she'll eventually be okay. I know grief passes with time. I know life is life and pets die and all that.
But today I just don't care.
... Anyone out there who has the honor of loving an animal, go spend some time with them. In honor of Maggie.
Posted at 10:41 AM Read More
Mon - May 10, 2004
Good God, I'm an activist....
I overwhelm
easily.
It's not something I'm proud of, but when faced with the injustices of our time, I'm much more likely to bury my head in a book or a sketchpad than to actually take any form of what might be called action.
That said, here's the letter I just sent to every political representative of mine I could find........
It's not something I'm proud of, but when faced with the injustices of our time, I'm much more likely to bury my head in a book or a sketchpad than to actually take any form of what might be called action.
That said, here's the letter I just sent to every political representative of mine I could find........
----------------------------------
I am not a political person. To be perfectly honest, I don't really trust any of you farther than I could throw you. I am sure that most politicians begin with the best of intentions, but there is simply too much evidence of corruption and deceit too often for me to place my faith in any one government official.
Maybe there are people who can climb to prominent positions in government and retain their ideals and values. I would very much like to think so.
As much as I'd like to pretend it's not so, the American government and the President of the United States are my personal representatives to the entire world. The way that YOU, this group of people who on whole I have seen I cannot trust, behave reflects on how that world sees every single American, for good or ill.
I may have, in an abstract and distant sort of way, disapproved of our government and politicians on and off throughout my life, but it is the Bush Administration that has driven me to seriously consider ex-patriotism.
It seems that, without even realizing it, I had some fundamental layer of faith in our country, our leader, US.
And let me tell you, it SUCKS that I had to find out about that faith by losing it.
The ENTIRE world HATES us! JUSTIFIABLY!!!
Are we really so arrogant as to believe that only our own opinions matter??
This latest atrocity committed by US (and oh, does it make me wish to separate myself from that We), the horrific abuse of prisoners of war in Iraq, is seen by the WORLD as just that - our latest atrocity.
I beg you, prove me and the world wrong about Us. Do something right. Do not sweep this under the Rug of Expediency.
We have proven to the world already that we are the New Romans: barbaric, ego-maniacal and vicious.
Maybe we can prove we can also be more....
Thank you for your time.
Jennifer A. Toal
Posted at 02:25 PM Read More
Fri - April 30, 2004
Protecting The Gift
"Throughout history,
half of all children failed to reach adulthood. Half. The odds are far better
for children in America today, but the truth remains that
childhood is safe only
when adults make it
so."
"WOMAN: You're right. I shouldn't be wary. I'm overreacting about nothing. I mean, just because a man makes an unsolicited and persistent approach in an underground parking lot in a society where crimes against women have risen four times faster than the general crime rate, and three out of four women will suffer a violent crime; and just because we have to consider where we park, where we walk, and whom we talk to in the context of whether someone will kill us or rape us or merely scare us half to death; and just because these are life-and-death issues most men know nothing about so that we're made to feel foolish for being cautious even though we live at the center of a swirl of possible hazards, and just because I'm with my daughter and have a duty and fervent desire to protect her as well as myself from harm DOESN'T MEAN A WOMAN SHOULD BE WARY OF A STRANGER WHO IGNORES THE WORD NO."
Gavin De Becker, Protecting The Gift
"WOMAN: You're right. I shouldn't be wary. I'm overreacting about nothing. I mean, just because a man makes an unsolicited and persistent approach in an underground parking lot in a society where crimes against women have risen four times faster than the general crime rate, and three out of four women will suffer a violent crime; and just because we have to consider where we park, where we walk, and whom we talk to in the context of whether someone will kill us or rape us or merely scare us half to death; and just because these are life-and-death issues most men know nothing about so that we're made to feel foolish for being cautious even though we live at the center of a swirl of possible hazards, and just because I'm with my daughter and have a duty and fervent desire to protect her as well as myself from harm DOESN'T MEAN A WOMAN SHOULD BE WARY OF A STRANGER WHO IGNORES THE WORD NO."
Gavin De Becker, Protecting The Gift
I'm really beginning to think that Protecting The Gift is the most important book I've ever read...
It's not been an easy read, by any means. I've been liberally mingling other books in, reading in small pieces here and there... I'm not even very far into it, but I'm starting to think I should buy five or six copies to hand out as needed.
True, it's mostly about protecting children, but so far the information in it seems pertinent to just about any woman I know.... I'll have to read his first book as well and see if it's better for the "hand a copy to everyone I know" approach.
One of the major things he's addressed so far is the stupidity of The Rule - 'Never talk to strangers.' We tell children this, but proceed to break it every day and require our kids to do so as well - "Say hello to the nice man," "She's your aunt! Give her a hug," etc, etc. Most children are hurt by people they know.
I was. If you're reading this and were hurt, I'm willing to bet you were too.
I remember my mom worked through Red Flag Green Flag with me after I'd been hurt, and it helped me develop my intuition, to follow my gut about people rather than judge them based on whether someone I knew had told me their name or not. I remember discussing how Red Flag People can look like Green Flag People, even though they're not...
"True openness is
realizing that the guy across from me is not who
I want him to be, but who he is."
I want him to be, but who he is."
...I spend a lot of my life safely ensconced behind my rose colored glasses, pretending the world is a better place than it really is... That doesn't mean I don't see the badness that exists in people at all, it just means that I choose not to look at it most of the time.
It's easier to keep going that way.
When I'm with Chey though, I set them aside automatically. I open my intuition up wide and scan every person we come in contact with... And I know that's going to be even more intensely the case when we have an infant around everyday.
The tools he's outlining in this book are making me feel more and more like that's not going to be a problem in the least... I feel... energized and ready. I have an advantage in that I've had years of practice listening to my intuition. I know what happens when I try to ignore my gut... I know the... self-disgust that comes from looking back and seeing clear signs of danger that I chose to ignore the first time through.
Even the fact that I was hurt is an advantage in keeping my children safe; I know firsthand that this is not a game, and how serious the stakes are.
.... Karen and I feel similarly zealous about this issue, and I think that's largely why we are both committed to my being a stay-at-home mom...
One of Gavin's main points is that it is ridiculous to expect a child to be able to effect his or her own protection against an adult predator. "Childhood is safe only when adults make it so."
We were both hurt because our mothers were elsewhere.
Neither of us could live with making that same mistake.
Posted at 10:16 PM Read More
Wed - April 21, 2004
Ouch
I woke up this morning with the most amazing
urge to make a doll.
I think my arms may fall off at any moment.
.... Nope, they're still on. That's good.
Yeah, so, I worked all day on this doll.... And I screwed it up.
I think the worst part is that I saw the mistake I made really early in the process, but I told myself it was okay, that I could make it work.
Somebody shoot me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in Badger Balm.
I think my arms may fall off at any moment.
.... Nope, they're still on. That's good.
Yeah, so, I worked all day on this doll.... And I screwed it up.
I think the worst part is that I saw the mistake I made really early in the process, but I told myself it was okay, that I could make it work.
Somebody shoot me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in Badger Balm.
Posted at 10:15 PM Read More
Tue - April 20, 2004
The Gay Agenda
We've made progress in legalizing gay
marriage.
Not great progress... but it's something.
::sigh::
I don't get it. Really, I don't. I don't get it, and it hurts my heart.
I mean, really, people... (Not that most of you are likely to be against gay marriage, but still.) Karen and I are a great couple. And we're not the only ones. There are so many amazing people in the world who love other people that happen to have the same parts they do.
And there always have been.
I wish people could just get over it and let us be.
I'd be witty and stuff, but I just can't seem to muster up eloquence over this issue. The stupidity of the whole thing just makes me too tired.
Read this instead. It says everything I want to say anyway.
Not great progress... but it's something.
::sigh::
I don't get it. Really, I don't. I don't get it, and it hurts my heart.
I mean, really, people... (Not that most of you are likely to be against gay marriage, but still.) Karen and I are a great couple. And we're not the only ones. There are so many amazing people in the world who love other people that happen to have the same parts they do.
And there always have been.
I wish people could just get over it and let us be.
I'd be witty and stuff, but I just can't seem to muster up eloquence over this issue. The stupidity of the whole thing just makes me too tired.
Read this instead. It says everything I want to say anyway.
Posted at 09:37 PM Read More
Mon - April 19, 2004
Blue Day
This is a Hide Under The Bed kind of
day...
I remembered to take my meds this morning. I've had plenty of protein. I spent some time in the shower with the hot water pounding on my face until the whole world disappeared.
And still all I want to do is hide in a little nest somewhere with the sound and smell of rain nearby and a good book to lose myself in.
This has not exactly been helpful in the making of Cheyenne's doll.
The last thing I want to do is make her a doll filled with anxiety and frustration... and somewhere along the way I got it in my head that giving her Periwinkle would be a cop out.
I think Karen may very well strangle me at any moment.
It's not even as though I want to keep Peri for myself. I've been trying to figure out who to give her to, and really I think Chey would enjoy her. I was a little worried that she'd pull her hair out (Chey has this thing about tugging on yarn), but I figured out how to fix that.
I just got it set in my brain that I was going to make a different doll for Cheyenne.
Excuse me while I go beat my head against a wall for a bit.
....Wonder if I could get the proper leverage from under my bed...
I remembered to take my meds this morning. I've had plenty of protein. I spent some time in the shower with the hot water pounding on my face until the whole world disappeared.
And still all I want to do is hide in a little nest somewhere with the sound and smell of rain nearby and a good book to lose myself in.
This has not exactly been helpful in the making of Cheyenne's doll.
The last thing I want to do is make her a doll filled with anxiety and frustration... and somewhere along the way I got it in my head that giving her Periwinkle would be a cop out.
I think Karen may very well strangle me at any moment.
It's not even as though I want to keep Peri for myself. I've been trying to figure out who to give her to, and really I think Chey would enjoy her. I was a little worried that she'd pull her hair out (Chey has this thing about tugging on yarn), but I figured out how to fix that.
I just got it set in my brain that I was going to make a different doll for Cheyenne.
Excuse me while I go beat my head against a wall for a bit.
....Wonder if I could get the proper leverage from under my bed...
Posted at 07:57 PM Read More
Fri - April 9, 2004
Fri - November 21, 2003
Reasonable Doubt
I don't remember the last time I worked so
hard not to cry as I did on the bus coming home
yesterday....
Maybe we should back up two weeks.
I get tapped for jury duty a lot, but this was the first time I was called in for selection. When I heard it was a rape case I thought my heart would jump clear out of my chest. My next thought was that there was no earthly way they were going to put me on that jury.
But they did.
I was one of the very last people selected (I was the third alternate), so I had some time to reflect on whether I could handle this before I was taken into quarters and interviewed.
They had reviewed my history and wanted to know if I could be fair.
Not if this case was likely to bring me emotional pain. Not if it would bring out any or all of my demons and parade them back and front of me. Not if I was scared to be there.
They were asking if I could be fair.
I did quite a bit of soul searching about that... And I really felt I could be.
And I also felt strongly that if I could do it, if I could hear about a rape case, especially one involving forcible sodomy, and be fair To Both Sides - not overcompensating in his favor or knee-jerking in hers.....
That would be a huge personal victory for me. It would be a concrete sign that while, yes, I was hurt, I was not irredeemably damaged.
...... I was frankly terrified, but I also felt strongly that I could do this.
And so I did my best not to crumble before their kind, concerned faces (why is it that people being nice to me when I'm upset or off balance will make me cry faster than anything else?) and assured them that I could.
And when they sent me back out to my seat I wanted to run back in and take it all back, or throw up, or both.
But I sat there and waited for them to dismiss me anyway, as I still assumed they would.
But they didn't.
Needless to say, it was in a state of shock that I collected my badge and walked out of the courthouse.
I knew this was likely to be very difficult for me, but I really had no idea in what way it would end up being so.... I thought hearing the testimony, seeing the evidence, dealing fairly with this man would be hard. I didn't know those would be easy compared to figuring out what justice might be in this case....
Jeff H was ruled Not Guilty on all charges yesterday after less than an hour's deliberation. As an alternate, I wasn't present for that part... And I must say I was stunned when the ruling came back.
Do I believe Jeff deserved to go to prison?
No.
Do I believe Kristin was lying about what happened?
No.
......
The question we ultimately had to determine was if he knew he was going against her will when he did what he did... And I can't say with certainty that he did know.
Should he have known?....
I think at very least he should have erred on the side of caution.
But he was an idiot, and she was a fool. I spent most of the case wanted to shake one or both of them... Mostly him.
In her place, I would have turned around and decked him, not pressed charges against him. Not gone through the horror that is a sexual assault evidentiary exam. Not got on that stand and submitted to cross-examination and the picking apart of every aspect of my life...
On one hand, it was an incredibly simple case - she said "no," no matter how she inflected it or how many other negatives she'd changed her mind on earlier in the night. He heard the word and proceeded anyway. When he realized he'd hurt her, he stopped...
On the other hand, he deserved to have his ass beat, not to go to prison for 3 years, at minimum.
Karen told me on the phone today that there's no way I'm going to be able to twist this situation around enough to make it fair... That I'm an idealist and the world is far from ideal, and that's why I'm not into politics or law enforcement.
And I start feeling like that stupid internet quiz was right, and honor is a flaw.
Fair would be someone sitting Kristin down and explaining to her that while she didn't do anything wrong, this is why she desperately needs to find her voice and stand up for herself. It would be her being empowered to take charge of her life and stop allowing everyone around her to tell her what to do. To speak up about what is and is not okay with her such that there could be no mistaking her meaning.
It isn't fair that she's now been sent the message that he was innocent, that she should never have even complained.
Fair would be him getting some sense. Learning that while no, it's not practical to fill out a questionnaire before a one night stand, it's also wrong to assume you know better than the words you're hearing from this person. And also learning that just because she's not crying doesn't mean she's not still freaked out, and maybe, just maybe This Is Not The Time to bring up S&M!!!
I told him I wanted to shake him.
Maybe I should have also told him how much I thought he deserved a beating.
But none of this is why I felt like crying on the way home. This all came later.
.....
When the jury went into deliberations I could have gone either way with the verdict, though I was leaning toward Guilty simply because I believed he had done something wrong and we were told over and over and over that we were not to consider the possible punishment in making our decision.
When they came back so incredibly fast.... I thought that pointed toward a Guilty verdict.
Then the clerk read Not Guilty and I was stunned.
And we all went out in the hall and some people were crying a little and others were talking about how it was unanimous and everyone seemed to agree that it was a ridiculous case to even have come to trial.
...
And God... Did I not manage to be fair?
Had I been prejudiced without even knowing it?
Was I unjust in my assessment of the case?
Was I actually damaged in some way?
...
Needless to say, I freaked.
Karen and I talked about it and it wasn't that I was unfair to either side...
But I'm still left with this... sinking, heavy certainty that it's impossible to find Justice and useless to even try.
I think that one's going to be harder to shake.
Maybe we should back up two weeks.
I get tapped for jury duty a lot, but this was the first time I was called in for selection. When I heard it was a rape case I thought my heart would jump clear out of my chest. My next thought was that there was no earthly way they were going to put me on that jury.
But they did.
I was one of the very last people selected (I was the third alternate), so I had some time to reflect on whether I could handle this before I was taken into quarters and interviewed.
They had reviewed my history and wanted to know if I could be fair.
Not if this case was likely to bring me emotional pain. Not if it would bring out any or all of my demons and parade them back and front of me. Not if I was scared to be there.
They were asking if I could be fair.
I did quite a bit of soul searching about that... And I really felt I could be.
And I also felt strongly that if I could do it, if I could hear about a rape case, especially one involving forcible sodomy, and be fair To Both Sides - not overcompensating in his favor or knee-jerking in hers.....
That would be a huge personal victory for me. It would be a concrete sign that while, yes, I was hurt, I was not irredeemably damaged.
...... I was frankly terrified, but I also felt strongly that I could do this.
And so I did my best not to crumble before their kind, concerned faces (why is it that people being nice to me when I'm upset or off balance will make me cry faster than anything else?) and assured them that I could.
And when they sent me back out to my seat I wanted to run back in and take it all back, or throw up, or both.
But I sat there and waited for them to dismiss me anyway, as I still assumed they would.
But they didn't.
Needless to say, it was in a state of shock that I collected my badge and walked out of the courthouse.
I knew this was likely to be very difficult for me, but I really had no idea in what way it would end up being so.... I thought hearing the testimony, seeing the evidence, dealing fairly with this man would be hard. I didn't know those would be easy compared to figuring out what justice might be in this case....
Jeff H was ruled Not Guilty on all charges yesterday after less than an hour's deliberation. As an alternate, I wasn't present for that part... And I must say I was stunned when the ruling came back.
Do I believe Jeff deserved to go to prison?
No.
Do I believe Kristin was lying about what happened?
No.
......
The question we ultimately had to determine was if he knew he was going against her will when he did what he did... And I can't say with certainty that he did know.
Should he have known?....
I think at very least he should have erred on the side of caution.
But he was an idiot, and she was a fool. I spent most of the case wanted to shake one or both of them... Mostly him.
In her place, I would have turned around and decked him, not pressed charges against him. Not gone through the horror that is a sexual assault evidentiary exam. Not got on that stand and submitted to cross-examination and the picking apart of every aspect of my life...
On one hand, it was an incredibly simple case - she said "no," no matter how she inflected it or how many other negatives she'd changed her mind on earlier in the night. He heard the word and proceeded anyway. When he realized he'd hurt her, he stopped...
On the other hand, he deserved to have his ass beat, not to go to prison for 3 years, at minimum.
Karen told me on the phone today that there's no way I'm going to be able to twist this situation around enough to make it fair... That I'm an idealist and the world is far from ideal, and that's why I'm not into politics or law enforcement.
And I start feeling like that stupid internet quiz was right, and honor is a flaw.
Fair would be someone sitting Kristin down and explaining to her that while she didn't do anything wrong, this is why she desperately needs to find her voice and stand up for herself. It would be her being empowered to take charge of her life and stop allowing everyone around her to tell her what to do. To speak up about what is and is not okay with her such that there could be no mistaking her meaning.
It isn't fair that she's now been sent the message that he was innocent, that she should never have even complained.
Fair would be him getting some sense. Learning that while no, it's not practical to fill out a questionnaire before a one night stand, it's also wrong to assume you know better than the words you're hearing from this person. And also learning that just because she's not crying doesn't mean she's not still freaked out, and maybe, just maybe This Is Not The Time to bring up S&M!!!
I told him I wanted to shake him.
Maybe I should have also told him how much I thought he deserved a beating.
But none of this is why I felt like crying on the way home. This all came later.
.....
When the jury went into deliberations I could have gone either way with the verdict, though I was leaning toward Guilty simply because I believed he had done something wrong and we were told over and over and over that we were not to consider the possible punishment in making our decision.
When they came back so incredibly fast.... I thought that pointed toward a Guilty verdict.
Then the clerk read Not Guilty and I was stunned.
And we all went out in the hall and some people were crying a little and others were talking about how it was unanimous and everyone seemed to agree that it was a ridiculous case to even have come to trial.
...
And God... Did I not manage to be fair?
Had I been prejudiced without even knowing it?
Was I unjust in my assessment of the case?
Was I actually damaged in some way?
...
Needless to say, I freaked.
Karen and I talked about it and it wasn't that I was unfair to either side...
But I'm still left with this... sinking, heavy certainty that it's impossible to find Justice and useless to even try.
I think that one's going to be harder to shake.
Posted at 11:59 AM Read More
Wed - October 22, 2003
Sharing more with her than I'd meant to....
Chey curled up in the chair with me, wanting
to see pictures of me as a little
girl...
Jen - Well, here I am as a baby....
Chey - You were adorable!! Where's your Mommy?
Jen - Here she is pregnant... Look how big her belly is! And she wasn't even done yet.
Chey - You mean done being pregnant?
Jen - Yeah. She had 3 months left.
Chey - So she got bigger??
Jen - Yep.
Jen - Ah. Here I am as a little girl....
Chey - You were pretty like me!!
Jen - Heh.... Well, some people, my mom especially, think you look like I did when I was little. In fact there's one picture in here somewhere......
Chey - I wanna see pictures where you look like me!
Jen - This one looks just like you.
Chey - Really?
Jen - Okay... so more like you when you were little, but trust me, I have pictures of you looking exactly like this... Okay, let's try another one.
Chey - You have spots in this one. I don't have spots.
Jen - True. You don't have spots.
Chey - What's that on your forehead?
Jen - I think it was a cat toy...
Chey - Why's it on your forehead?
Jen - Because it was funny.
Chey - And you were laughing?
Jen - Yeah, we all were.
Chey - .....You're so cute!
Jen - So are you.
Chey - Who's that man? Is he your daddy?
Jen - No.... He... was one of my mom's boyfriends.
Chey - Then he is your daddy!
Jen - No. He is definitely not my daddy....
Jen - This is my daddy.
Chey - He looks like Da!
Jen - ::shocked:: ..... I suppose you're right... Daddy and I were a lot like you and Da.
------
For those playing along at home, yes, "that man" is the main one who hurt me, and yes, that's how old I was.
Jen - Well, here I am as a baby....
Chey - You were adorable!! Where's your Mommy?
Jen - Here she is pregnant... Look how big her belly is! And she wasn't even done yet.
Chey - You mean done being pregnant?
Jen - Yeah. She had 3 months left.
Chey - So she got bigger??
Jen - Yep.
Jen - Ah. Here I am as a little girl....
Chey - You were pretty like me!!
Jen - Heh.... Well, some people, my mom especially, think you look like I did when I was little. In fact there's one picture in here somewhere......
Chey - I wanna see pictures where you look like me!
Jen - This one looks just like you.
Chey - Really?
Jen - Okay... so more like you when you were little, but trust me, I have pictures of you looking exactly like this... Okay, let's try another one.
Chey - You have spots in this one. I don't have spots.
Jen - True. You don't have spots.
Chey - What's that on your forehead?
Jen - I think it was a cat toy...
Chey - Why's it on your forehead?
Jen - Because it was funny.
Chey - And you were laughing?
Jen - Yeah, we all were.
Chey - .....You're so cute!
Jen - So are you.
Chey - Who's that man? Is he your daddy?
Jen - No.... He... was one of my mom's boyfriends.
Chey - Then he is your daddy!
Jen - No. He is definitely not my daddy....
Jen - This is my daddy.
Chey - He looks like Da!
Jen - ::shocked:: ..... I suppose you're right... Daddy and I were a lot like you and Da.
------
For those playing along at home, yes, "that man" is the main one who hurt me, and yes, that's how old I was.
Posted at 09:51 PM Read More
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Published On: May 08, 2006 05:51 PM
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Published On: May 08, 2006 05:51 PM