Sat - March 18, 2006
HAP-BUR-DAY
You know, usually you can't find a bigger
birthday fan than me... Presents are nice enough, but mostly I spend the whole
day running around singing various birthday songs and saying, "YAY," at
semi-frequent intervals.
My excitement over this birthday even started early... I wore my 'Tude Faerie boots and my cool new floofy skirt to work yesterday and was hyper all day. There was much dancing, and seriously, there's nothing better than teeny little kids who celebrate with you; including a 21 month old who keeps saying, "HAP-BUR-DAY!"
My excitement over this birthday even started early... I wore my 'Tude Faerie boots and my cool new floofy skirt to work yesterday and was hyper all day. There was much dancing, and seriously, there's nothing better than teeny little kids who celebrate with you; including a 21 month old who keeps saying, "HAP-BUR-DAY!"
And then evening hit.
We've debated over whether this is a stomach flu or food poisoning. I think it's flu just because apparently food poisoning doesn't come with fever.
It's been a very long time since I've had a birthday I've enjoyed as little as this one....
And yet still, Karen and I haven't let it completely stop us. We've moved very slowly and carefully through our day, but we still went out and explored a little. And she got me this amazing set of ear buds to replace my dying apple ones...
True I feel like crap. On toast. With a side of surely-someone-kicked-me-in-the-head.
I'm still saying yay.... just a little more quietly.
Posted at 06:52 PM Read More
Wed - June 22, 2005
Let's Get This Straight.
I hate being cryptic, but there are certain
confidences that are not mine to reveal (not on the web, where certain people
are unlikely to, but still might find them).... So, if I'm going to write about
anything here, and Gods know I haven't been able to focus on anything other than
that which I am currently engaged in, it seems I will have to be
cautious.
So, here goes nothing.
First and foremost, there has been a lot of talk about how "good" I am to be doing what I am doing, for being where I am, and I'd really like everyone to knock that shit off right now. I am here because I cannot imagine being anywhere else, because I personally would have lost my mind if asked to spend today like any other day. I'm not even sure here is enough... I may be fighting with a nurse later.
.... And suddenly I have no other words. Maybe that was all the catharsis I needed, and I'll be able to approach other topics.
--Next Day--
Okay, so the DEED is done, as they say, so I feel moderately better about posting this, as no one can crash now.
"The Queen" is home. Long live the Queen.
Also, I've never been so excited about another adult urinating in my life.
So, here goes nothing.
First and foremost, there has been a lot of talk about how "good" I am to be doing what I am doing, for being where I am, and I'd really like everyone to knock that shit off right now. I am here because I cannot imagine being anywhere else, because I personally would have lost my mind if asked to spend today like any other day. I'm not even sure here is enough... I may be fighting with a nurse later.
.... And suddenly I have no other words. Maybe that was all the catharsis I needed, and I'll be able to approach other topics.
--Next Day--
Okay, so the DEED is done, as they say, so I feel moderately better about posting this, as no one can crash now.
"The Queen" is home. Long live the Queen.
Also, I've never been so excited about another adult urinating in my life.
Posted at 03:52 PM Read More
Thu - February 24, 2005
Bunny fear
Bastian got fixed
today.
This has been, by far, one of the scariest days of my life.
It's funny how you can put something off because you're terrified of it, but not realize that's why you're not doing it... It seems that rabbits are especially sensitive to anesthesia. And since we (in the extended-family sense of the word) lost Miss Sniff to this surgery, it makes sense that I'd be afraid of having a bunny fixed, but it never occurred to me that I actually was. At least not until my baby boy went in.
But he's out. And it's okay.
Well, mostly okay. He hurts, and he's traumatized. And he's not entirely certain that his Da and I are blameless in this.
But he's fixed, and that means it's just a waiting game until he and his dearest love can finally be together.
:) And that's nice.
This has been, by far, one of the scariest days of my life.
It's funny how you can put something off because you're terrified of it, but not realize that's why you're not doing it... It seems that rabbits are especially sensitive to anesthesia. And since we (in the extended-family sense of the word) lost Miss Sniff to this surgery, it makes sense that I'd be afraid of having a bunny fixed, but it never occurred to me that I actually was. At least not until my baby boy went in.
But he's out. And it's okay.
Well, mostly okay. He hurts, and he's traumatized. And he's not entirely certain that his Da and I are blameless in this.
But he's fixed, and that means it's just a waiting game until he and his dearest love can finally be together.
:) And that's nice.
Posted at 11:10 PM Read More
Sun - January 23, 2005
DVD Distraction
Audrey's back to posting on her journal, so now
I have no more
excuses.
Dammit.
So lately I've been thinking about how there are actually drawbacks to spending time with Cheyenne...
The worst thing about seeing Chey is that it makes missing her that much worse.
The worst thing about having her at our house is that we spend days finding little traces of her... A doll, a sock, an abandoned yogurt container...
The worst thing about having her share our lives is that I spend weeks with this internal.... noticing of her absence in each thing we do. For example, "Last time I cleaned the rabbit cages, Chey helped me," or "Last time we went to Costco, Chey was with us."
And yes, these are the cheery thoughts I've been saving you from by not writing.
The visit was good. Hard in ways, but good. It's been 3 weeks, and I think the ghost of Cheyenne is finally giving us some peace.
In the intervening time, to keep myself distracted, I've been obsessing on putting together a DVD of our wedding movie and sundries. Because the best way for me to avoid being overly emotional about something is to be overly emotional about something else. ;)
I am so sappy.
Karen, on the other hand, is freaking about how fat she was at our wedding. As I keep explaining to her, it's our wedding, I don't care! But I have included a short video of her at Christmas, so whoever watches the DVD can see how far she's come.
Though I must say she's taking it a little far... She's lost 106 lbs. Since spring.
She's not bones yet, but it would be good if she stopped. Soon.
Dammit.
So lately I've been thinking about how there are actually drawbacks to spending time with Cheyenne...
The worst thing about seeing Chey is that it makes missing her that much worse.
The worst thing about having her at our house is that we spend days finding little traces of her... A doll, a sock, an abandoned yogurt container...
The worst thing about having her share our lives is that I spend weeks with this internal.... noticing of her absence in each thing we do. For example, "Last time I cleaned the rabbit cages, Chey helped me," or "Last time we went to Costco, Chey was with us."
And yes, these are the cheery thoughts I've been saving you from by not writing.
The visit was good. Hard in ways, but good. It's been 3 weeks, and I think the ghost of Cheyenne is finally giving us some peace.
In the intervening time, to keep myself distracted, I've been obsessing on putting together a DVD of our wedding movie and sundries. Because the best way for me to avoid being overly emotional about something is to be overly emotional about something else. ;)
I am so sappy.
Karen, on the other hand, is freaking about how fat she was at our wedding. As I keep explaining to her, it's our wedding, I don't care! But I have included a short video of her at Christmas, so whoever watches the DVD can see how far she's come.
Though I must say she's taking it a little far... She's lost 106 lbs. Since spring.
She's not bones yet, but it would be good if she stopped. Soon.
Posted at 09:21 PM Read More
Tue - December
14, 2004
Daycare Days
Today was my 6 month anniversary working in
childcare...
Of course it seems like both too long and too short a time for me to have been with these kids, but you knew that already.
I keep wanting to write about it... about them... But I sit at the keyboard and I'm speechless. There's too much.
I could focus on the mundane.
We just finished expanding the classroom, and it's huge now. It's about to get even bigger as we're having a science room/barn installed on Thursday and all the animal cages will go out there. When they're gone we're going to carpet the new section and set up these big foam climbing cubes.
I could focus on my schedule.
Every day I clock in at 1 and immediately take an average of 9 kids down to nap. I've gotten much more efficient with that and it usually takes me no more than 30 minutes to get everyone to sleep. I make my way upstairs and usually have some sort of lesson preparation or finishing work to do. Sometimes it's just boring cutting, but there's a lot of variety, and it makes me laugh to think I'm getting paid to do crafts. We get early wakers somedays starting just after 2, some of whom need help in the bathroom or diaper changes. They also have to be kept from running wild while we're trying to get work done and I try to make sure I'm the one on top of that job; I'm the part-timer after all, and nap time is CP's only break in her 12+ hour day.
Kids really start waking up after 2:30 and we consider nap officially over between 3 and 3:30, which is also when school buses start showing up. If the day's nice enough and most of the kids are awake, I'll take them out to recess. CP and her daughter (we'll call her Silver), stay inside to get kids off the buses and get stuff done around the house (I don't know what they're doing, I'm outside.) Lately though, it's been just soggy, and since kids don't seem to have that part of their brains developed yet that would tell them not to sit in water, we've been staying in. That means at 3 I put on a video, which helps keep the noise levels down and let the sleeping kids have a bit more peace. As soon as everyone's awake, I'll pick up all the mats and cots and covers and get out toys for those who don't want to watch the movie. The last couple of days I've also been setting up the table with paper and crayons, which gives them more options and also lets me keep an eye on the toy station (it's amazing what kids will make into a weapon). I like having something creative for them to do, and it'll probably be a focus for me.
I try to judge, both by the kids who are present and by the day they seem to be having, how early we have to start clean up to have the room ready for snack at 4:30. Silver always has a tub ready for me, and lately she's usually been busy so I've been handling snack by myself.
Snack is my daily marathon. My thyroid being off means that my short-term memory is unreliable at best. So... serving 10 kids; keeping track of who's already had seconds; making sure no one's stealing food from anyone else, or hiding the foods they don't want so they can get more of the ones they do... yikes. Writing it out just makes it look too easy.
After snack I clean up the table and Silver takes over the kids, usually to work with the bunnies or chinchillas lately.... Karen usually shows up around the end of snack and, depending on if we get caught in a conversation, we get out of there just after 5.
.... Maybe I should focus on the sentimental.
Tomorrow is Pearl's last day with us. Pearl is my mini Audrey... From the very first day this girl has reminded me so much of my evil twin it's eerie. She's tiny, brilliant, dark-haired and obsessed with zombie pirates. She's been with CP for 3 years now, and her family has moved away. For a month or so they've been commuting her over an hour each way to keep her in our program, but we all knew that couldn't last. Pearl is NOT a morning person. Or even a 'just after nap' person. Her father must have been having some of the most challenging mornings of his life recently.
I hope the future is bright for Pearl... and I offer her a mighty ARGH in salute.
Of course it seems like both too long and too short a time for me to have been with these kids, but you knew that already.
I keep wanting to write about it... about them... But I sit at the keyboard and I'm speechless. There's too much.
I could focus on the mundane.
We just finished expanding the classroom, and it's huge now. It's about to get even bigger as we're having a science room/barn installed on Thursday and all the animal cages will go out there. When they're gone we're going to carpet the new section and set up these big foam climbing cubes.
I could focus on my schedule.
Every day I clock in at 1 and immediately take an average of 9 kids down to nap. I've gotten much more efficient with that and it usually takes me no more than 30 minutes to get everyone to sleep. I make my way upstairs and usually have some sort of lesson preparation or finishing work to do. Sometimes it's just boring cutting, but there's a lot of variety, and it makes me laugh to think I'm getting paid to do crafts. We get early wakers somedays starting just after 2, some of whom need help in the bathroom or diaper changes. They also have to be kept from running wild while we're trying to get work done and I try to make sure I'm the one on top of that job; I'm the part-timer after all, and nap time is CP's only break in her 12+ hour day.
Kids really start waking up after 2:30 and we consider nap officially over between 3 and 3:30, which is also when school buses start showing up. If the day's nice enough and most of the kids are awake, I'll take them out to recess. CP and her daughter (we'll call her Silver), stay inside to get kids off the buses and get stuff done around the house (I don't know what they're doing, I'm outside.) Lately though, it's been just soggy, and since kids don't seem to have that part of their brains developed yet that would tell them not to sit in water, we've been staying in. That means at 3 I put on a video, which helps keep the noise levels down and let the sleeping kids have a bit more peace. As soon as everyone's awake, I'll pick up all the mats and cots and covers and get out toys for those who don't want to watch the movie. The last couple of days I've also been setting up the table with paper and crayons, which gives them more options and also lets me keep an eye on the toy station (it's amazing what kids will make into a weapon). I like having something creative for them to do, and it'll probably be a focus for me.
I try to judge, both by the kids who are present and by the day they seem to be having, how early we have to start clean up to have the room ready for snack at 4:30. Silver always has a tub ready for me, and lately she's usually been busy so I've been handling snack by myself.
Snack is my daily marathon. My thyroid being off means that my short-term memory is unreliable at best. So... serving 10 kids; keeping track of who's already had seconds; making sure no one's stealing food from anyone else, or hiding the foods they don't want so they can get more of the ones they do... yikes. Writing it out just makes it look too easy.
After snack I clean up the table and Silver takes over the kids, usually to work with the bunnies or chinchillas lately.... Karen usually shows up around the end of snack and, depending on if we get caught in a conversation, we get out of there just after 5.
.... Maybe I should focus on the sentimental.
Tomorrow is Pearl's last day with us. Pearl is my mini Audrey... From the very first day this girl has reminded me so much of my evil twin it's eerie. She's tiny, brilliant, dark-haired and obsessed with zombie pirates. She's been with CP for 3 years now, and her family has moved away. For a month or so they've been commuting her over an hour each way to keep her in our program, but we all knew that couldn't last. Pearl is NOT a morning person. Or even a 'just after nap' person. Her father must have been having some of the most challenging mornings of his life recently.
I hope the future is bright for Pearl... and I offer her a mighty ARGH in salute.
Posted at 11:29 PM Read More
Tue - November 30, 2004
Oh, Good Lord and Lady and All The Host....
Okay. So maybe
not
so much a girl bunny.
My bunny.... humped. my. arm.
I am so the personification of Shudder.
We did a trial run with a second bunny last night, as the Single Bunny Angst was getting pretty impressive. Having learned from Aud's experience with Scratch and Neo, I was dead set against a second girl, so I brought home Seamus.
Bastian chased the little guy around and kept trying to mount him. At first I thought it was just a dominance play; I read somewhere that even female bunnies will try that as a form of asserting their bossitude.
Finally I picked B up and tranced... him in the crook of one arm. And there it was.
Bunny willy.
Bunny willy being entirely too friendly with my other arm.
Ick.
Don't get me wrong. I still love my rabbit. I just don't love my rabbit. And I'm SOOOOO getting him snipped.
Tomorrow, maybe.
.... And I guess I'll have to try again with Seamus' sister.... After the snipping.
My bunny.... humped. my. arm.
I am so the personification of Shudder.
We did a trial run with a second bunny last night, as the Single Bunny Angst was getting pretty impressive. Having learned from Aud's experience with Scratch and Neo, I was dead set against a second girl, so I brought home Seamus.
Bastian chased the little guy around and kept trying to mount him. At first I thought it was just a dominance play; I read somewhere that even female bunnies will try that as a form of asserting their bossitude.
Finally I picked B up and tranced... him in the crook of one arm. And there it was.
Bunny willy.
Bunny willy being entirely too friendly with my other arm.
Ick.
Don't get me wrong. I still love my rabbit. I just don't love my rabbit. And I'm SOOOOO getting him snipped.
Tomorrow, maybe.
.... And I guess I'll have to try again with Seamus' sister.... After the snipping.
Posted at 10:26 AM Read More
Tue - November 9, 2004
Extrovert?
For a widely acclaimed Extrovert, I sure do
like to fold in on myself
sometimes...
Currently I'm sitting in my backyard, enjoying the cloud cover, wishing my honeysuckle was in bloom and marveling at the fact that it seems to have these tiny black berries that I don't remember noticing before. My peace has just been disturbed by what sounds like about 2 or 3 Chinook helicopters and someone in the neighborhood hammering... Okay, they've both passed, more or less.
I love chinooks... My father is a helicopter pilot and used to fly them. Growing up I would say "Hi, Daddy," pretty indiscriminately to any and every helicopter I saw (still do sometimes), but the chinooks were by far my favorites, since they're so easy to recognize. Plus, flying green bananas with propellers on each end? Fun.
I think that my hermitish tendencies probably come from my father...
This morning I had to make a couple of phone calls, and I'm currently waiting for the nausea to ebb. Could be from another cause altogether, but somehow I doubt it.
If you are one who doesn't get called enough (or emailed or written to for that matter), please, please never think it's a lack of love that keeps me silent.
Currently I'm sitting in my backyard, enjoying the cloud cover, wishing my honeysuckle was in bloom and marveling at the fact that it seems to have these tiny black berries that I don't remember noticing before. My peace has just been disturbed by what sounds like about 2 or 3 Chinook helicopters and someone in the neighborhood hammering... Okay, they've both passed, more or less.
I love chinooks... My father is a helicopter pilot and used to fly them. Growing up I would say "Hi, Daddy," pretty indiscriminately to any and every helicopter I saw (still do sometimes), but the chinooks were by far my favorites, since they're so easy to recognize. Plus, flying green bananas with propellers on each end? Fun.
I think that my hermitish tendencies probably come from my father...
This morning I had to make a couple of phone calls, and I'm currently waiting for the nausea to ebb. Could be from another cause altogether, but somehow I doubt it.
If you are one who doesn't get called enough (or emailed or written to for that matter), please, please never think it's a lack of love that keeps me silent.
Posted at 12:36 PM Read More
Tue - November 2, 2004
Still Here.... and Sober
It turns out I have some really amazing
people in my life. Thank you everyone for the huge outpouring of support I got
after my last journal entry. If you don't have something back from me yet, well,
that's because I actually thought I'd answered everything. I'm a
dork.
It probably will amaze no one very much that it took me all of about 10 minutes of research to find several reasons not to do drugs. I know, you're all shocked. Me. Abstaining. That never happens.
I've been kind of... quiet and withdrawn lately. My energy resources are are just really low. The energy I do have is being spent in some rather focused ways...
I've been watching the political frenzy with horrified fascination. I long since reached my personal Politics Saturation Point (PSP), but it just keeps coming... I'd be longing for Wednesday, but somehow I'm afraid it won't actually be over that soon...
Vocational Rehab is sending me back to school. I was too late registering to get into even the late-running classes this semester, but I'll be on campus this spring, and in the meantime I'll be taking an online course.
I went to the campus a couple of weeks ago to do entrance testing and such, and it was really amazing just how scary that was... I mean, I love school. And still I had to sit down and breathe deeply regularly to keep from all-out panic attacks. I don't know how people who don't love school manage to go back.
Our bunny turns out to be a GIRL bunny. Oh, the debates that have been going on as to a new name! We've finally settled on "B," to be adulterated as the situation warrants. Karen voted for Beatrice, but my aunt and uncle used to have a dog with that name, and it felt like theft.... Part of me wanted to just keep Bastian, and Brina (short for Sabrina) appealed to us both (I liked its hidden "S"). Then we started calling her "Boo," since she's another animal that came to us in October, and it was one of my childhood nicknames (from my father).... So we agreed on B, and then in the last day or so Karen's started calling her Minerva, and I give up. She is the Bunny Goddess of Many Names, which makes sense as most goddesses have many names, right? Sure. We'll go with that.
I am now 6 weeks off Zoloft. How much fun have those withdrawals been? Remember Karen's detox period from Effexor? (And my brain is working SO well that I put the wrong med name in, went to see if I could find a link, and then completely forgot to come back and finish. Yikes.... Also, hah! I knew I wrote about that.)
I'm knitting again. Obsessively. It's great exercise for my arms, though at times I think I push myself too hard...
Perhaps most draining of all, cold weather has come and the Plague is rising up among the daycare kids. Also, consequently, among the daycare adults.
I'm a little proud of myself for being the last to fall, but it's been a long, hard battle and this morning I have to finally admit that I am "sick." Not that I'm staying home, or anything. I'm sick, but I'm not that sick.
So, yeah. I'm a pretty boring person, really.
It probably will amaze no one very much that it took me all of about 10 minutes of research to find several reasons not to do drugs. I know, you're all shocked. Me. Abstaining. That never happens.
I've been kind of... quiet and withdrawn lately. My energy resources are are just really low. The energy I do have is being spent in some rather focused ways...
I've been watching the political frenzy with horrified fascination. I long since reached my personal Politics Saturation Point (PSP), but it just keeps coming... I'd be longing for Wednesday, but somehow I'm afraid it won't actually be over that soon...
Vocational Rehab is sending me back to school. I was too late registering to get into even the late-running classes this semester, but I'll be on campus this spring, and in the meantime I'll be taking an online course.
I went to the campus a couple of weeks ago to do entrance testing and such, and it was really amazing just how scary that was... I mean, I love school. And still I had to sit down and breathe deeply regularly to keep from all-out panic attacks. I don't know how people who don't love school manage to go back.
Our bunny turns out to be a GIRL bunny. Oh, the debates that have been going on as to a new name! We've finally settled on "B," to be adulterated as the situation warrants. Karen voted for Beatrice, but my aunt and uncle used to have a dog with that name, and it felt like theft.... Part of me wanted to just keep Bastian, and Brina (short for Sabrina) appealed to us both (I liked its hidden "S"). Then we started calling her "Boo," since she's another animal that came to us in October, and it was one of my childhood nicknames (from my father).... So we agreed on B, and then in the last day or so Karen's started calling her Minerva, and I give up. She is the Bunny Goddess of Many Names, which makes sense as most goddesses have many names, right? Sure. We'll go with that.
I am now 6 weeks off Zoloft. How much fun have those withdrawals been? Remember Karen's detox period from Effexor? (And my brain is working SO well that I put the wrong med name in, went to see if I could find a link, and then completely forgot to come back and finish. Yikes.... Also, hah! I knew I wrote about that.)
I'm knitting again. Obsessively. It's great exercise for my arms, though at times I think I push myself too hard...
Perhaps most draining of all, cold weather has come and the Plague is rising up among the daycare kids. Also, consequently, among the daycare adults.
I'm a little proud of myself for being the last to fall, but it's been a long, hard battle and this morning I have to finally admit that I am "sick." Not that I'm staying home, or anything. I'm sick, but I'm not that sick.
So, yeah. I'm a pretty boring person, really.
Posted at 01:00 PM Read More
Fri - October 8, 2004
Clean
I just cleaned my toaster
oven.
I love cleaning my toaster oven. Not all the time. But every once in a while, I get this urge and I Must Clean My Toaster Oven.
What I love about cleaning a toaster oven is much the same as what I love about changing diapers.
Bear with me.
Seriously, think about it. These are both totally examples of Immediate Gratification Cleaning.
There is something that is manifestly Dirty. You do something that, admittedly, can be quite gross, and then you have something that is just as manifestly Clean.
Such accomplishment! Such pride! Such catharsis!
This is a great feeling.
Kids are better to clean because with ovens it's really a war of attrition; and the grime has way more reserves than my arms can hope to approach. When you're cleaning an oven you totally have to pick your battles. On the other hand, with a kid you're just never going to open a diaper and say to yourself, "You know, that bit of poop is just too entrenched. Guess I'll leave it."
Ovens are better than kids because, let's face it, the "something gross" is way less gross.
I love cleaning my toaster oven. Not all the time. But every once in a while, I get this urge and I Must Clean My Toaster Oven.
What I love about cleaning a toaster oven is much the same as what I love about changing diapers.
Bear with me.
Seriously, think about it. These are both totally examples of Immediate Gratification Cleaning.
There is something that is manifestly Dirty. You do something that, admittedly, can be quite gross, and then you have something that is just as manifestly Clean.
Such accomplishment! Such pride! Such catharsis!
This is a great feeling.
Kids are better to clean because with ovens it's really a war of attrition; and the grime has way more reserves than my arms can hope to approach. When you're cleaning an oven you totally have to pick your battles. On the other hand, with a kid you're just never going to open a diaper and say to yourself, "You know, that bit of poop is just too entrenched. Guess I'll leave it."
Ovens are better than kids because, let's face it, the "something gross" is way less gross.
Posted at 10:19 PM Read More
Sun - October 3, 2004
I am NPR's Bitch
I must be a grown-up because suddenly I am
completely enthralled by things like politics and the
news.
I'm so sorry, Daddy, for the wall of my adolescence that you used to beat your head against trying to get me to watch major historical events on the news with you.
.... Sadly, I can't even remember what those things were, and really I don't care any more about them now than I did then... I just remember you railing against my utter lack of concern as you tried to explain how huge these events were in the... course of my life and times.
Be comforted. I am now NPR's faithful slave. I even read political commentaries. Granted, those are mostly by Mark Morford of the San Francisco Gate, but then I doubt I'll ever be a Republican.
I even watched the presidential debate.
I'm terrified that Bush is going to steal, oops, sorry, of course I mean "win" another election... Actually, that's true. Bush stealing another election wouldn't surprise or upset me all that much. It's no less than what I expect from BushCo. But, oh.... should We The People actually elect this asshole? In a fair fight??
I have a great distaste and distrust toward government. I think politicians dance closer and closer with corruption the higher they climb. I do, however, love my country. Is that foolish? Perhaps.
Must be the Pollyanna in me rearing its head again.
(Note that I refrain from judging that head.... Maybe it's ugly, maybe it's not.)
I'm so sorry, Daddy, for the wall of my adolescence that you used to beat your head against trying to get me to watch major historical events on the news with you.
.... Sadly, I can't even remember what those things were, and really I don't care any more about them now than I did then... I just remember you railing against my utter lack of concern as you tried to explain how huge these events were in the... course of my life and times.
Be comforted. I am now NPR's faithful slave. I even read political commentaries. Granted, those are mostly by Mark Morford of the San Francisco Gate, but then I doubt I'll ever be a Republican.
I even watched the presidential debate.
I'm terrified that Bush is going to steal, oops, sorry, of course I mean "win" another election... Actually, that's true. Bush stealing another election wouldn't surprise or upset me all that much. It's no less than what I expect from BushCo. But, oh.... should We The People actually elect this asshole? In a fair fight??
I have a great distaste and distrust toward government. I think politicians dance closer and closer with corruption the higher they climb. I do, however, love my country. Is that foolish? Perhaps.
Must be the Pollyanna in me rearing its head again.
(Note that I refrain from judging that head.... Maybe it's ugly, maybe it's not.)
Posted at 03:28 PM Read More
Sun - September 26, 2004
Marriage
So, you know that cliche about the Old
Marrieds slow dancing in the
kitchen?
We totally do that.... Did it tonight, in fact.
It's not a weekly occurrence, by any means. It's not like we have a timer that goes off and then we cha-cha. But every few months or so one of us will be struck by the urge.
And I'll find myself standing there, holding my love, swaying to music (usually a particularly good bit of Jazz on NPR)... and I'm always torn between feeling ridiculous because it's such a cliche, and understanding fundamentally why people have been doing this for so long, and will continue....
It's an amazing thing, dancing with someone you love.
.....
Earlier this evening, my hair was 3 feet long (measured from the top of my head). Now, it's just under 2 1/2 feet.
Karen was supposed to cut off 4 finger-widths.
Luckily I'm not heart-broken over this... I mean, I do still have 2 1/2 FEET of hair... that's damn near half my height.
It is, however, a very good thing she can dance. ;)
-Update -
::laughing my ASS off:: You know... When you're trying to find something interesting to write in your online journal, you take an incident and tweak it a bit to make it just that much more amusing.... At least that's what you do if you're me, or a few other people I know.
Today's tweak was my annoyance at my hair being cut more than I'd asked. Really, I don't care. My hair is much more healthy and it grows like a freaking weed anyway.
But, of course, for once Karen actually read my journal and now I will never hear the end of, "Well, it's a good thing I can dance!"
To which I answer, "It sure is!"
We totally do that.... Did it tonight, in fact.
It's not a weekly occurrence, by any means. It's not like we have a timer that goes off and then we cha-cha. But every few months or so one of us will be struck by the urge.
And I'll find myself standing there, holding my love, swaying to music (usually a particularly good bit of Jazz on NPR)... and I'm always torn between feeling ridiculous because it's such a cliche, and understanding fundamentally why people have been doing this for so long, and will continue....
It's an amazing thing, dancing with someone you love.
.....
Earlier this evening, my hair was 3 feet long (measured from the top of my head). Now, it's just under 2 1/2 feet.
Karen was supposed to cut off 4 finger-widths.
Luckily I'm not heart-broken over this... I mean, I do still have 2 1/2 FEET of hair... that's damn near half my height.
It is, however, a very good thing she can dance. ;)
-Update -
::laughing my ASS off:: You know... When you're trying to find something interesting to write in your online journal, you take an incident and tweak it a bit to make it just that much more amusing.... At least that's what you do if you're me, or a few other people I know.
Today's tweak was my annoyance at my hair being cut more than I'd asked. Really, I don't care. My hair is much more healthy and it grows like a freaking weed anyway.
But, of course, for once Karen actually read my journal and now I will never hear the end of, "Well, it's a good thing I can dance!"
To which I answer, "It sure is!"
Posted at 10:29 PM Read More
Fri - September 10, 2004
Maps
I love
maps.
Seriously. I adore maps. I navigate via little internal mind-picture maps, and I can stare at maps for hours. One of the coolest people I've ever met was a friend of Jnl's who drew maps of places he made up as a hobby. Some of them were HUGE, and I still think fondly of the short time I spent poring over them...
I love the depth of a map... I mean, think about it...
Picture a place that has touched your life in some way; (begin cliques...) a stream you used to fish with your grandpa, your favorite climbing tree, the park bench where your beloved proposed (end cliques). They're all there, invisible gems on a thousand different maps.
Maps can take you to treasure, but you have to use them.
I love staring at maps and imagining the places they outline... What secret tiny islets dot that delta? What cherished "Beth" did someone name that street after, and what was she like? How many spots in that wood are someone's "happy place?"
There's a spot in Tilden Woods in Berkeley that is as beautiful and magical a place as any I've ever experienced. There's a small section of the beach in Pacifica that I've gone hours out of my way to share with loved ones. There's a farm house visible from I-5 where Karen and I had an adventure just before our wedding involving a sick cow, an adorable gay couple and my life-long favorite sculpture.
There's a bus bench in Modesto where a boy told me he loved me and I cried my heart out. There's a section of sidewalk in front of the Apple Computer building in Elk Grove where I accidentally tipped Karen out of her wheelchair and into a mud puddle when we were first becoming friends. (We laughed until I couldn't stand up anymore, and she still teases me about it.)
If you've ever sat in a public place and marveled at how each human being has their own story; a million of them, really... Maps are an extension of that... And, in some ways, an intensification.
I don't really have a way to end this one...
I just love maps.
Seriously. I adore maps. I navigate via little internal mind-picture maps, and I can stare at maps for hours. One of the coolest people I've ever met was a friend of Jnl's who drew maps of places he made up as a hobby. Some of them were HUGE, and I still think fondly of the short time I spent poring over them...
I love the depth of a map... I mean, think about it...
Picture a place that has touched your life in some way; (begin cliques...) a stream you used to fish with your grandpa, your favorite climbing tree, the park bench where your beloved proposed (end cliques). They're all there, invisible gems on a thousand different maps.
Maps can take you to treasure, but you have to use them.
I love staring at maps and imagining the places they outline... What secret tiny islets dot that delta? What cherished "Beth" did someone name that street after, and what was she like? How many spots in that wood are someone's "happy place?"
There's a spot in Tilden Woods in Berkeley that is as beautiful and magical a place as any I've ever experienced. There's a small section of the beach in Pacifica that I've gone hours out of my way to share with loved ones. There's a farm house visible from I-5 where Karen and I had an adventure just before our wedding involving a sick cow, an adorable gay couple and my life-long favorite sculpture.
There's a bus bench in Modesto where a boy told me he loved me and I cried my heart out. There's a section of sidewalk in front of the Apple Computer building in Elk Grove where I accidentally tipped Karen out of her wheelchair and into a mud puddle when we were first becoming friends. (We laughed until I couldn't stand up anymore, and she still teases me about it.)
If you've ever sat in a public place and marveled at how each human being has their own story; a million of them, really... Maps are an extension of that... And, in some ways, an intensification.
I don't really have a way to end this one...
I just love maps.
Posted at 10:49 AM Read More
Thu - August 26, 2004
Adventures in Daycare
So, there I was, sitting on the couch with 4
year old Emerald nestled in beside me while I read her a
story.
And then her hand started.... caressing my breast.
I felt compelled to investigate.
"Whatcha doin'?" I asked, curiously.
She looked up at me, utterly guileless, "I like your boob."
Blink.
What do you say to that?
I went with: "Well.... thanks... But don't poke me." And then, when she went for it again, I held her hand for a moment...
----------------------------------------------------------------
School started this week, and we've stopped swimming each day, so our schedule has been turned inside out. Now I get to work and put the kids immediately down for nap, and let me tell you how easy that is for them to get used to: not only are they going down earlier, they haven't had that major energy drain of water play first. If the big kids weren't away at school I think I would have pulled my hair out by now. And it's only Thursday.
----------------------------------------------------------------
One of the last days in the pool, I decided to take my hair down and the kids lost their minds. They loved the way it tickled when it floated by them in the water, and Pyrope yelled (but then he always yells), "You've got a beautiful hair!!!"
I amused myself trying to guess which one....
----------------------------------------------------------------
As I mentioned, Monday was the first day of the new school year for our kids, and Nephrite was suspended for the second day because he told his teacher he 'was going to go home, get a gun and come back and kill her because that's how much he hated her.'
His first day of first grade.
So that was a little troubling.
----------------------------------------------------------------
We've been having, for CP, a rather shocking amount of turnover lately, as kids she's had for years are growing out of the program or moving away. One of the things I think speaks volumes about CP and her facility is the fact that she tends to get these kids as babies and they just stay until they're either too old or moving or need to be in some other, more specialized program.
So, as kids are leaving she's been trying to find new babies to enroll, and there just don't seem to be any people looking for baby or toddler care in our area. At first that was a little disappointing, but CP has turned her thoughts to the more advanced sorts of activities we'll be able to do with an older group.
Of course we still have a few toddlers.... Lapis will be 2 in the next month or so... Amethyst just turned 1 over the summer. Ruby's still 2, and Opal and Chrysoprase are both 3...
----------------------------------------------------------------
I'm having a bit of frustration lately in that I keep hearing from CP that I need to 'be firm,' and 'set limits.' But then, when I do, they're not the right limits I guess, because she undoes them.... Which is very undermining to the authority she's told me she wants me to not be afraid to use.
It's something I really need to talk to her about, but finding a spare breath is sometimes hard for CP, so I'll have to watch for an opening.
----------------------------------------------------------------
... I still love my job. I'm out of my 'honeymoon period,' so it's not all choirs of angels anymore, but I didn't expect it to stay shiny and new. After all, nothing ever does.
It's still incredibly rewarding. I'm still learning amazing amounts every day. I still love being with the kids.
Pyrope, who a few months ago had me yelling in my sleep, is now one of my best buds.
And then her hand started.... caressing my breast.
I felt compelled to investigate.
"Whatcha doin'?" I asked, curiously.
She looked up at me, utterly guileless, "I like your boob."
Blink.
What do you say to that?
I went with: "Well.... thanks... But don't poke me." And then, when she went for it again, I held her hand for a moment...
----------------------------------------------------------------
School started this week, and we've stopped swimming each day, so our schedule has been turned inside out. Now I get to work and put the kids immediately down for nap, and let me tell you how easy that is for them to get used to: not only are they going down earlier, they haven't had that major energy drain of water play first. If the big kids weren't away at school I think I would have pulled my hair out by now. And it's only Thursday.
----------------------------------------------------------------
One of the last days in the pool, I decided to take my hair down and the kids lost their minds. They loved the way it tickled when it floated by them in the water, and Pyrope yelled (but then he always yells), "You've got a beautiful hair!!!"
I amused myself trying to guess which one....
----------------------------------------------------------------
As I mentioned, Monday was the first day of the new school year for our kids, and Nephrite was suspended for the second day because he told his teacher he 'was going to go home, get a gun and come back and kill her because that's how much he hated her.'
His first day of first grade.
So that was a little troubling.
----------------------------------------------------------------
We've been having, for CP, a rather shocking amount of turnover lately, as kids she's had for years are growing out of the program or moving away. One of the things I think speaks volumes about CP and her facility is the fact that she tends to get these kids as babies and they just stay until they're either too old or moving or need to be in some other, more specialized program.
So, as kids are leaving she's been trying to find new babies to enroll, and there just don't seem to be any people looking for baby or toddler care in our area. At first that was a little disappointing, but CP has turned her thoughts to the more advanced sorts of activities we'll be able to do with an older group.
Of course we still have a few toddlers.... Lapis will be 2 in the next month or so... Amethyst just turned 1 over the summer. Ruby's still 2, and Opal and Chrysoprase are both 3...
----------------------------------------------------------------
I'm having a bit of frustration lately in that I keep hearing from CP that I need to 'be firm,' and 'set limits.' But then, when I do, they're not the right limits I guess, because she undoes them.... Which is very undermining to the authority she's told me she wants me to not be afraid to use.
It's something I really need to talk to her about, but finding a spare breath is sometimes hard for CP, so I'll have to watch for an opening.
----------------------------------------------------------------
... I still love my job. I'm out of my 'honeymoon period,' so it's not all choirs of angels anymore, but I didn't expect it to stay shiny and new. After all, nothing ever does.
It's still incredibly rewarding. I'm still learning amazing amounts every day. I still love being with the kids.
Pyrope, who a few months ago had me yelling in my sleep, is now one of my best buds.
Posted at 10:24 AM Read More
Sun - August 1, 2004
Transitional
See, the thing about befriending Broken Bird
types is that in their life you are more of a purpose than a
person.
Sure, there's something very gratifying to the ego about being someone's personal hero and "walking therapy," but there's also a reason professional counselors get paid. It's to prevent that eventual hangover period when you realize that you've been giving all your heart and soul to help this person regain theirs and in return... Well.
Myrna is gone.
Mostly, anyway.
Looking back through my journal I can see that her downward spiral started the weekend after Karen and I got married.... There are several theories as to what's going on with her, but regardless, she needed to leave.
I miss her, but not this new person she's decided to become... I haven't wanted to write about it, it's been too painful, but for months now she has gone out of her way to be nasty, petty, and spiteful. K says she's going through some archetypical Scorpio Evolution Process that requires the violent burning of every bridge she's ever built. My mother lays the entire blame at the door of Myrna's drug use. Paula thinks it's all about Myrna's being jealous of Karen and I and our relationship, that she wanted to be more to us than she was...
Personally, I think it's too easy to lay the reason for insane behavior at the foot of only one cause. I think everyone's theories have their merits...
I think it's true that Myrna could never come to terms with the fact that Karen didn't treat her the way she treats me. I think that Myrna's drug habit has a tendency to run away with her now and again and it was probably foolish of me to hope that here was a human being who could show me that drugs don't always have to ruin your life. And I think that no matter how much you fit the profile of your astrological sign, there comes a point where you have to buck up and decide to be a human being first and a cluster of stars second.
Whatever the root cause of it all, all I know for certain is that I am sick of being the grown up in this relationship. I am tired of always chasing her down and counseling her through whatever is going on with her.
I used to have friends who only stuck around for me to help them through their lives... And then my life exploded and amazingly enough, none of them was there for me. Since then I've gained a few years and an amazing partner and quite a bit of self-regard.
So anyway. The remaining things Myrna has here are currently in our dining room, waiting for her to come get them. She hasn't really even been here for almost a month now, except for last weekend when she brought the cops with her to help her get her stuff.
Because, you know, we were holding it hostage.
That's why we packed it up for her and put it in the backyard where she could easily get to it.
:)
Well, that's what happens when you move stuff out and then don't show your face for WEEKS!
Personally, I really don't understand what her boggle is. I mean, really. She's the one who said she wanted to leave! And now that we've gotten sick of her dragging her feet and making our house an awful place to be with all her black tar acid energy and are encouraging her to go, she's digging her heels in??
For a while, I was really angry. But what I had to come to terms with is that this isn't going to be about fairness or justice or even mutual compassion. This has become a health and safety issue. Karen's various ailments get worse under stress, and Mary is choosing to be a ball of stress and spite and just vicious, infantile behavior.
K went to the doctor this weekend and found out she's managed to dislocate her jaw from clenching so hard... Her doctor even asked her repeatedly if she was sure no one had hit her. She suggested maybe there'd been a car wreck.
You know, a car wreck Karen had forgotten about.
And I'm over here thinking, 'Well... other than our latest attempt at a Chosen Family, no.'
I am a little bitter still because I've always been a big believer in Chosen Family and lately I'm just monumentally disillusioned. To the extent that I'm actually hooked on the latest WB Pretty People Drama because it's all about a chosen family making it work. And I sit in front of the TV going, 'Yeah, right. Bah humbug.'
Which, you may have noticed, is not my usual demeanor.
But, at the same time, reclaiming my house is an amazing restorative. Last night I just... meandered through the quiet rooms, filled with quiet bliss.
Myrna will be out by next weekend. I've been working on de-cluttering more, as we move things around. Our spare room is coming along nicely, and when I put my daybed in there I put my tree above it so that it feels like a nest. Our bedroom is suddenly huge, with the daybed and spare dresser moved out.
Our home is becoming a Haven again.
Sure, there's something very gratifying to the ego about being someone's personal hero and "walking therapy," but there's also a reason professional counselors get paid. It's to prevent that eventual hangover period when you realize that you've been giving all your heart and soul to help this person regain theirs and in return... Well.
Myrna is gone.
Mostly, anyway.
Looking back through my journal I can see that her downward spiral started the weekend after Karen and I got married.... There are several theories as to what's going on with her, but regardless, she needed to leave.
I miss her, but not this new person she's decided to become... I haven't wanted to write about it, it's been too painful, but for months now she has gone out of her way to be nasty, petty, and spiteful. K says she's going through some archetypical Scorpio Evolution Process that requires the violent burning of every bridge she's ever built. My mother lays the entire blame at the door of Myrna's drug use. Paula thinks it's all about Myrna's being jealous of Karen and I and our relationship, that she wanted to be more to us than she was...
Personally, I think it's too easy to lay the reason for insane behavior at the foot of only one cause. I think everyone's theories have their merits...
I think it's true that Myrna could never come to terms with the fact that Karen didn't treat her the way she treats me. I think that Myrna's drug habit has a tendency to run away with her now and again and it was probably foolish of me to hope that here was a human being who could show me that drugs don't always have to ruin your life. And I think that no matter how much you fit the profile of your astrological sign, there comes a point where you have to buck up and decide to be a human being first and a cluster of stars second.
Whatever the root cause of it all, all I know for certain is that I am sick of being the grown up in this relationship. I am tired of always chasing her down and counseling her through whatever is going on with her.
I used to have friends who only stuck around for me to help them through their lives... And then my life exploded and amazingly enough, none of them was there for me. Since then I've gained a few years and an amazing partner and quite a bit of self-regard.
So anyway. The remaining things Myrna has here are currently in our dining room, waiting for her to come get them. She hasn't really even been here for almost a month now, except for last weekend when she brought the cops with her to help her get her stuff.
Because, you know, we were holding it hostage.
That's why we packed it up for her and put it in the backyard where she could easily get to it.
:)
Well, that's what happens when you move stuff out and then don't show your face for WEEKS!
Personally, I really don't understand what her boggle is. I mean, really. She's the one who said she wanted to leave! And now that we've gotten sick of her dragging her feet and making our house an awful place to be with all her black tar acid energy and are encouraging her to go, she's digging her heels in??
For a while, I was really angry. But what I had to come to terms with is that this isn't going to be about fairness or justice or even mutual compassion. This has become a health and safety issue. Karen's various ailments get worse under stress, and Mary is choosing to be a ball of stress and spite and just vicious, infantile behavior.
K went to the doctor this weekend and found out she's managed to dislocate her jaw from clenching so hard... Her doctor even asked her repeatedly if she was sure no one had hit her. She suggested maybe there'd been a car wreck.
You know, a car wreck Karen had forgotten about.
And I'm over here thinking, 'Well... other than our latest attempt at a Chosen Family, no.'
I am a little bitter still because I've always been a big believer in Chosen Family and lately I'm just monumentally disillusioned. To the extent that I'm actually hooked on the latest WB Pretty People Drama because it's all about a chosen family making it work. And I sit in front of the TV going, 'Yeah, right. Bah humbug.'
Which, you may have noticed, is not my usual demeanor.
But, at the same time, reclaiming my house is an amazing restorative. Last night I just... meandered through the quiet rooms, filled with quiet bliss.
Myrna will be out by next weekend. I've been working on de-cluttering more, as we move things around. Our spare room is coming along nicely, and when I put my daybed in there I put my tree above it so that it feels like a nest. Our bedroom is suddenly huge, with the daybed and spare dresser moved out.
Our home is becoming a Haven again.
Posted at 02:31 PM Read More
Sun - July 11, 2004
There's bad... there's good.... that's life, right?
I've decided the next time someone asks me if
I have any tattoos I'm going to say, "Yes, actually. One of my freckles is fake,
would you care to guess?"
In fact, I like this idea so much, I'm tempted to find a tattoo artist....
Of course, this could be an insidious idea. They say tattoos are addictive.... Who knows how many freckles I could end up with?
.... For that matter, how many freckles do I have now??
Hm.
In fact, I like this idea so much, I'm tempted to find a tattoo artist....
Of course, this could be an insidious idea. They say tattoos are addictive.... Who knows how many freckles I could end up with?
.... For that matter, how many freckles do I have now??
Hm.
--------------------------
Ohmigawd.
I just looked over at my categories... "A Sketch A Day Keeps The Doctor Away"??? THAT'S what I've been doing wrong!
I need to draw more.
--------------------------
So, yeah. Still sick, but nothing like I was - a HUGE thank you to everyone who sent me happy thoughts.
Work is fabulous, if hard. We've got a little boy, Beryl, who's recently experienced abuse at home... His behavior has spiraled wildly out of control, and he's going to need to be removed from our care. He's become a danger to the other children, and we simply cannot allow that.
I get that. It's just...
He's just a little boy...
I know life isn't fair. I know there's nothing I can do to save him. I know the world is often cruel. I even know there's a chance he'll be okay...
I was kicked out of daycare for acting out towards the other kids after my abuse, and seeing the same thing happen with him is breaking my heart. It's not right that he should be hurt at all, but it's not as though we can unring that bell...
We can prevent his hurting any of the other children in our care. That is something within our power.
I hope he'll be okay.
--------------------------
There is much good at work to focus on... The other day they made 'cow milk paintings' by putting a board across two chairs, filling rubber gloves with paint, attaching them to the board and pricking the fingers. Then the kids put their pieces of paper beneath and took turns 'milking' the paint out onto the paper. That same day they started making marionettes out of paper mache, so there was MUCH mess when I got there for the afternoon swim.
CP therefore decided that instead of swimming, we'd wash the chairs that day. I thought that sounded pretty boring, but that's just because I was completely naive.
We filled the wading pools with soapy water and the kids had a total blast. (See here.)
I had a blast too, as CP asked me to take pictures, and the kids loved that almost as much as what they considered the bubble baths. There was much hamming and I came away with some really great shots. I love that feeling.... knowing how much joy I'm bringing their parents. I was going through the photos and there were several that made me go, "If this were Chey, I'd be a puddle..."
And then, of course, I had to go gaze at pictures of Chey for an hour or so...
I love these kids, of course... but (perhaps also 'of course'), none of them holds a candle to my 'Tude Pixie.
Posted at 08:12 PM Read More
Funny, none of them *looked* like they had The Plague
And So It Begins...
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Pride and More Pride
Should I Build One?
Cupcakes of Spiritual Progress
Pretend Like....
K's a Rock Star, I'm a Sap
Dis-ah-blid
Dogs?
So, I Married An Axe-Murderer
Too Many Options...
I'm a rock star
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket???
A Good Day Among The Dead
Fear and Loathing in My Mouth
Boo, Life Suckage, Boo
Less Nice
Yummmmm.....
Day In, Day Out...
What's in a Doll?
Pity Pizza
The Health Food Wars
'Poo, Tablet & SF
Three Days Left
The Interview
The wheel just keeps on turning...
Holy Dance Space, Batman!
Purging... the Good kind
Mellow Winter
Stress and Aud
For love of a tree
Yay!
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Published On: Mar 18, 2006 06:55 PM
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Published On: Mar 18, 2006 06:55 PM