Wheeee!



I love turbulence, and I'll tell you why.

My father is a pilot (helicopters, emergency rescue) and he explained to me once that airline piloting can be... how can I say this? Mind-numbingly boring.
Think about it. Up across down, rinse and repeat. Same routes over and over and over and... Yeah.

What Dad pointed out to me was that turbulence comforts him because he knows without a doubt that the pilot is paying full and complete attention to what he's doing. Both hands on the wheel, eyes full front, the whole shebang.

Suddenly turbulence got to be my favorite thing.

So I told you that story so I can tell you about this...

My flight home on the 1st was probably the worst flying experience of my life. There's a difference between Hey, Let's Pay Attention Turbulence and Holy Shit We're Gonna Die Turbulence.

I sweartogawd I felt tiny muscles in my back pop from the whipping in every direction. More than one drink flew. And then, as if we weren't having enough fun, the plane dropped like a very expensive, very shiny stone for a good 20 feet.

Yippee.

So, there I was, on a plane that seemed quite likely to be my last, sitting next to a man who I would have cheerfully thrown out the emergency hatch, and I'd only 'known' him for a few hours, I could only imagine how much Mom wanted him gone (could it be enough to take out the rest of us as well?) and several thoughts went through my head....

1. I think I might vomit.... With any luck, death will come first.

2. I'm still holding my camera... Well, the stewardess can bloody well deal. If I am going to die, it'll be with my camera in my hand.

3. Center... Peace... Calm... White light surrounds the plane... Mom, keep me safe...

4. Okay. Let Karen know how very much I love her...

5. By all that is holy, do NOT do this to Audrey!!! (If I die coming home from a trip I made to see her... there's not enough therapy or vodka in the entire world...)

At this point I noticed that we were currently directly over my home town and decided that even my Goddess doesn't have that twisted a sense of humor, so death was unlikely.

Which of course left me with issue #1...

So I found myself weighing my options.
One fabulous trick K's taught me is that nausea is easily conquered by toothpaste. Seriously, next time your stomach rebels on you, stick a dab of toothpaste on your tongue and experience the miracle. It even works on hangovers and pregnancy, I've been told.

Now, I had some toothpaste in my bag...

Under the seat in front of me...

Which would require folding myself in two to reach...

Thus putting an alarming amount of pressure on my stomach...

Hm.

Everything turned out well, though. No barf bags, no death.

Thanks Mom.
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Posted: Sat - January 3, 2004 at 09:31 AM      


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