An American in Asia: His Quest for Cosmic Truth (or at least a Decent Espresso)

 

The Guaranteed Endless Love Valentine's Date

By Jeffrey Studebaker 2001

Originally published in J-Select Magazine

It’s the most romantic day of the year. An evening you will never forget. One that will make you blush and smile knowingly when your grandchildren ask. The dinner is simply divine. The breeze seems to blow only for you and the clouds race across the smiling face of old Mr. Moon as you walk along the water, hand in hand. And then, as if this moment has been waiting for all eternity to happen, you gaze into each other’s eyes, fall into each other’s arms. The music swells, the camera pans back and.....then what? The movie always stops there.

And of course, this kind of evening only happens in the movies. It shouldn’t happen even there. If people went around having evenings like this we’d all be completely nauseated by starry-eyed couples every time we left the house during a full moon.

So what are you going to do this Valentine’s Day? Did you make the dinner reservations.....last March? Have you bought the Opera tickets? Rented the tux? Did you request the penthouse or the presidential suite? No? Too bad. The smart people reserved them long in advance. They are now 80 years old. Luckily for you and I and the rest of us who still believe love should be spontaneous, or are too lazy to plan, there are other romantic options still to be had.

There is so much pressure, from movies and romance novels, to have the perfect love, and this pressure explodes every February 14th. Valentines Day can easily turn into a big crisis. So it’s vitally important to keep a sense of humor. What’s more romantic than a good laugh with someone you adore?

Love is eternal and ephemeral and mysterious and really really neat. There’s no way to define it. But there are a few practical details to consider for your Guaranteed Endless Love Valentine’s Date. Take a sober look at yourself and the object of your desire. Your date is going to be one of two types.
Maybe the night will be filled with conversation and wit, punctuated by comfortable silences. Everything you say will be clever and evoke light, bubbly laughter as you skip down the street like Fred Astaire. That lighter trick that you can never get right works the moment a cigarette appears. For this date, location doesn’t matter so much. Any place will be glowing with a big, warm, sappy aura of love.

Or, you will run out of things to say within the first half hour. After that every sentence will feel like a dental surgeon is extracting it from your appendix. Your date’s laughter will be nervous and you will perspire like it’s typhoon season. Strangely it will probably still seem like fun. But distractions are important for this date. Dancing is good. Try playing video games at an arcade. Make sure to choose a game that your date can win. Nobody likes to be creamed at Air Hockey a dozen times.

So take a sober look at your relationship and plan accordingly. Can you stand to gaze into each other’s eyes for more than the length of dinner? Do you hang breathlessly on each other’s every word? Or should you go to a movie and leave the wit to the professionals?

Either of these dates has its merits and faults and either one can be a night to smile knowingly about. With either date, no matter where you are, be sure you can find some discreet locale to loiter lasciviously, in case everything goes swimmingly. Or even dog-paddlingly. Now I’m not condoning public kissing and you shouldn’t try to reproduce that Life Magazine picture with the sailor kissing the girl at the end of the war. That only looks good in magazines or at the end of wars. I’m not condoning it here. If a couple is mauling each other in front of Shibuya 109 I’d be the first to shove them into traffic. However, if the girl of my dreams looks at me with watery eyes and wants to lay one on me in Shinjuku station, who am I to fight it?

In our fair city Tokyo, the most crowded on the planet, you might reasonably claim there is no such thing as a discreet locale. Technically there isn’t. But there are places near practically every major station where wayward couples pointedly ignore each other. Wherever your date takes you, it’s wise to be mindful of the places nearby with romantic lighting (or none at all) and public seating.

Where to go? Use some imagination. Of course there’s Odaiba. I’ve heard it’s popular for couples but I suspect it’s just popular for shopaholics with agreeable sweethearts. Though there’s something to be said for watching someone you love trying on some fashionable rags. Just take Yurikamome line from Shimbashi to Aomi. Or better yet, hop a boat from Asakusa. In Odaiba, for a talking date, Venus Fort is good for a walk and it’s full of restaurants. It’s open from 11am to 9pm. The restaurants stay open till 11pm. There’s lots of brightly colored items to inspire witty conversation. If the wit peters out, there’s a score of movie theaters you can dive into. In fact there are a couple theaters where you can pay extra and share a love seat. Later, if the pheromones are flying, there’s the Ferris wheel. Take in a panoramic night view of Tokyo, for what it’s worth. And maybe kiss when you’ve worked up the nerve, right before the operator yanks open the car door.

Another obvious choice would be Disneyland. Disney Sea might be a little nippy so bring those sexy down parkas and galoshes. Better yet, since it is the obvious choice for Valentines Day, don’t do it. It will be so crowded you’ll freeze your buns on the lamest rides ten times because even Pooh’s Honey Hunt has a 3 hour wait. All that time has to be filled with witty conversation. But if you can stand to wait that long for the Haunted Mansion you’ll be rewarded with 3 minutes of privacy in a slow-moving, egg-shaped chair. But be careful. I believe they actually have Make-Out Police that go around with little brooms and sweep you up.

On the other side of Tokyo, try a walk through Daikanyama. It’s full of kitschy shops and happy hipsters. There’s scads of little bars to discover. In fact if you want to look clever, go down the day before and find a few good places to “discover” on your date. Again, if the conversation is lacking, dive into a store. Or make your way over to Ebisu. There’s a pet store there full of monkeys behind Starbucks. I’m not kidding. It’s a great idea for a date. I’m surprised nobody thought of it before I did. But if the monkeys don’t thrill you like they do me, head over to Ebisu Garden Place, dine at a cosy restaurant and take in the great whirling modern sculpture. Again, if you’ve got that tingly feeling, there’s a long walkway between the buildings and the train tracks that’s dimly lit and full of benches comfy concrete benches.

Yokohama’s Chinatown is great for shopping and dining. To get away from the crowds, take a walk along the water nearby. A few minutes away you can visit the Hakkejima aquarium. Aquariums always make a great date. Count how many times someone mutters, “Oishi-sou” (looks delicious) at the fish swimming innocently on the other side of the glass. Yokohama also sports a Ferris wheel which will probably be a little less crowded than the one in Odaiba. For kissing longer than a five minute ride, go to the little park by the docked schooner near Sakuragicho station. You’ll find a nice space among all the other couples pretending they are alone there.

If you’re ambitious, make a day trip of it. Take the Odakyu line from Shinjuku to Hakkone. Go for a hike through trees bending starkly in the hoary snow. Watch delicate snowflakes alight on your lover’s runny nose. Get your blood pumping and put on a healthy glow. How sexy is that? When you’re tired and chilly, make your way back down to a warm onsen. No reservations are required and most onsens have great tatami rooms where you can relax afterwards.

If your ambition only gets you as far as Shinjuku, that’s fine. It’s full of likely restaurants and interesting diversions. Take a stroll through Kabukicho and show your date how brave you are. On the edge of that district away from the station there’s the Golden Gai street where you can discover a hip little dive together. 20 years from now you could sit on the veranda sipping mint juleps and drawl laconically, “Darling, do you remember Our Place, that quaint little bar in Tokyo?”

But, you may ask, where does one kiss discreetly in Shinjuku, home of the busiest train station in the world? On the west side, walk 5 minutes to the Toyo Building. It’s open until 10pm. Go in the front and a guard will direct you to the elevators. Take them to the top for a spectacular night view of Tokyo, and another spectacular view of a dozen couples sucking face.

If Danger is your middle name and your tastes tend toward the supernatural, a short trip from Shinjuku on Chuo Line will take you to Kichijoji. Walk from the station down to Inokashira Pond. This park is supposedly the home of a noble woman who died pining for her true love. She is insanely jealous of happy twosomes. It is said that if you walk with your lover through the woods around this lake, you will be destined to break up. Somehow, this makes it a popular place for new couples. Go figure.

With all this talk of kissing spots you may think I am forgetting one infamous example. American kids have their parent’s station wagon. The Japanese have Love Hotels. If you want to shell out 5-10,000 yen for a few passionate hours together in an oddly decorated room, the place to go is Shibuya. A little metropolis of coupling couples. There are love hotels everywhere, but they cluster in Shibuya like barnacles on a rock. Really sexy barnacles with neon signs. Head west from the station, pass Shibuya 109 on your right, walk a few minutes and take any of the tiny streets up the hill. You’ll be in a veritable hobbit village of Love.

Aside from locations, reservations and tonsular manipulation, consider some forgotten Valentine traditions. Give flowers. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? A flower means a lot in the coldest month of the year, so get one that has a smell. The sentiment goes a long way and what’s more, it’s cheap. And as long as you’re getting all mushy, write a poem. I’m serious. It doesn’t have to be long. I hear really short ones are pretty popular here. And if your date doesn’t speak your native language, it doesn’t even have to be good. Or rhyme. If someone gave you a poem, would you care if it was Walt Whitman material? No! But whatever you do, don’t read it aloud. Even if you’re a modern Kerouac, a reading will only create an awkward moment that will haunt you for the rest of your short-lived relationship. Just humbly foist it on them and mumble, “I uh.... wrote this for you.”

And don’t give candy. What a snore. Men will have bags and bags of it and if you’re the one person who gives him a non-candy item, he’ll remember. A book, a home-made card, a big glittery gold chain with a Zodiac sign, anything but candy.

In any event, don’t let the holiday pressure get to you. It’s all about love, baby. Let it out and let it in. It even happens in the bustling, 12-hour workday metropolis that is Tokyo. Imagination, in the end, is always superior to preparation. If you can pull a really fun Valentine date out of your hat, it’s much more impressive than the top of the Hilton. In theory. If you really can’t stand the pressure (and all the public nookie), stay home. Buy flowers and candles, some really good wine and cook dinner for your date. But don’t forget to rent “9 1/2 Weeks” at least 9 1/2 weeks in advance.

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