George Bush Visits Thailand

An
American in Asia:

His Quest for Cosmic Truth

(or at least a Decent Espresso)

The Sanctuary of Truth

APEC has come to Thailand and the city doesn't even look like itself anymore. I actually got lost today on a street I've been down a hundred times. When I finally recognized it I realized that the vast expanses of unfamiliar flat area were actually sidewalk that had been there all the time. I wasn't used to walking there without having to dodge around vendors dispensing cheap copies of everything in the entire universe and tuk-tuk drivers trying to show me pictures of scantily-clad women just dying to give me a massage.

It's peaceful and clean, but in a spooky way, like the movie Omegaman when Charelton Heston wakes up to find himself the last man on earth. Then the zombies come.

No zombies have dared to show themselves here yet. They're too afraid of the wads and wads of Thai policemen in from the countryside for the APEC assignment. Apparently not enough terrorists have shown up for them and they're using all their spare time to round up foreigners who forgot to bring their passport with them to the girly bar. An acquaintance told me that two of the teachers for his company are now wasting away in immigration prison. They have perfectly valid visas but the burden of proof is on us and they weren't carrying their passports.

Every day when I go out I find huge stretches of major roads emptied of cars and policemen waving everyone away to let the Thai royalty or Chinese President or somebody drive their caravan of limos through. Sukhumvit road, Bangkok's equivalent of Broadway in New York, is blocked off 5 or 7 times a day.

You won't find George W. Bush in a limo though. No, he's too busy buzz-bombing around the sky over my apartment in half a dozen helicopters. A hundred times a day they fly right over my place so low I can tell you the brand name on the pilot's underpants. It's Fruit of the Loom and it's not looking too fresh.

I truly hope the showy but most likely ineffectual measures Thailand is taking against terrorism somehow pan out. I would really hate to see some stupid terrorist ruin the Thai economy for the rest of the decade. One bomb in a tourist area would be a knockout punch to the biggest rising industry in the country. Like a geopolitical Mike Tyson biting the economic ear off of Thailand and spitting it out.

Press Conference

I attended my first two press conferences this week. I got to do stuff like walk up to the mike in the middle of the room and ask pointy questions and take pictures of hotel managers posing by vintage cars. Ooh! Ohh! And I got to pin a little tag on my suit that said, "Press" in important looking block letters. I still have it. It's now pinned to my stuffed animal, Smokey Bunny.

The inside of the Sanctuary of Truth

One of the press conferences was out at Pattaya, the closest beach to Bangkok. In addition to going to the conference, I cruised by this really groovy modern temple on a headland outside of town. The Sanctuary of Truth is one of the most amazing buildings I've ever seen. Every inch of it is carved in Buddhist and Hindu images. One wing depicts scenes from the Hindu classic, The Mahabharata. It's all teak and mahogany and there's not a nail in the entire thing. It's held together by wooden pins and interlocking joints. It looks like a beach house for the Adams Family.

The Ceiling

During construction a bunch of dolphins would visit a lot and they ended up getting trapped in an inlet. They are still there and have learned to do tricks like shaking hands and squirting tourists who don't give them enough fish. I got both.

Jeffrey Studebaker has been (in no particular order) a SE Asian correspondent for a Singaporean travel magazine, a teacher, consultant and translator in Japan, a guitarist with the band, Swoon 23 in every city of the US of A, a coffee roaster in Seattle, a bike messenger in Portland, a marine fire system repairman in Seattle, an osteoporosis clinic researcher in Providence, a mental ward counsellor on the night shift in Portland, a brief success in New York, and he has now returned to the US after nearly a decade in Asia to pursue a publishing career.