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Byline: jblend -- DC
I sometimes wonder what it would be like to go into seclusion and give up my electronic life.
Then I realize how incredibly selfish that would be... You all need me! Who would be your oracle? Where would you go for the answers to life's most persistant questions?
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: How did you amass your fortune?
A:Jblend World Domination Enterprises, my first PLC, went IPO in 01, as you probably know. The seed money for this venture fell into my lap in an unexpected way. I wont go into unnecessary detail, but I will say that it involved a certain Nigerian businessman and a very special promise.
Q: Why did you just lie to me?
A: Okay, I'll admit it. That's not true. Here's the real story: I told a terrible lie to the Make A Wish Foundation. But that's all in the past now. I admit that I was remiss. My acute mendacity has gone into remission.
Q: What about this rumor about your sexual orientation... Is it true, what they say?
A: Let me put an end to this right now. There was some wild gossip flying around the office the other week. Despite the recent rumor that I was "that way," it is totally and completely untrue. I assure you -- I am totally and completely gay.
Q: I have a burning sensation when I urinate. What should I do, Jeffrey?
A: Stop injecting Tabasco sauce intravenously and consult a doctor immediately.
Q: Why does the evil albino squirrel stalk you in your dreams of blood?
A: That's a question I have asked myself a hundred times. I do not know the answer, but I fear that I will learn it one day very soon.
Q: Are you dating?
A: There is a certain brand of deliciousness that coats the tongue, heart and spirit of my life. It's called Brand Henry. And Henry has taught me to suck the marrow out of life (see Thoreau Cliffs notes, girls). Brand Henry has one very loyal customer, here. He is the most wonderful, delightful, breath-takingly beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. Ever.
Q: Why do they call those engineering crawlspaces Jeffrey's tubes?
A: You'd like to know, wouldn't ya? Well, let's just say that I used them according to Starfleet regulations... for "personnel access to vital internal systems."
Q: You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you, don't you?
A: Well, yes, but only if it's a Pet Shop Boys song.
Q: What does "Jblend" mean?
A: I tried to conceive of a unifying element to help combine my different hobbies, activities, interests and attitudes. After some thought, I chose a blender because it adequately represents the mixture of elements that I enjoy. That and the vision.
Q: The vision? Please explain.
A: I had a near-death experience a few years back on a Cathay Pacific 747. The plane was on approach to the Kai-Tak Airport in Hong Kong. Turbulent winds rocked and jerked the plane while I sipped my white russian cocktail. Even the flight attendants were jumpy. Despite the mild sedative effect of the drink, my knuckles were white from my death-like grip on the armrests.
Victoria harbor was a gray mass of mountainous, jagged waves. The san-pans struggled to stay afloat in the white foam. I slammed my window shade shut. At that moment, I had a vision of my impending death: the icy winter waters would envelope the plane as it plummeted, coffin-like, into the dark abyss. My death-vision departed in a split second, replaced by the welcome sight of what I knew at once to be my spirit guide. My totem spirit was not a wolf or a gecko or a bear. It was an object of technology, just as I am the child of a technological age. It was a kitchen appliance. I pictured myself preparing the perfect daiquiri on a lavender and chrome blender. I caressed the brightly colored buttons in time with my quickening pulse. It was a vision of serenity. Buoyed by the sight, I grew accepting of my fate. If I was to die in the shivery, dark waters of the bay, then so be it!
A pause ... A shudder ... And then, a sudden realization:
The plane's quaking descent refused to end in a cinematic plunge. Emergency lights were not lighted to guide me to the nearest exit. The craft did not resemble a pyrotechnic in a cartwheeling tragedy.
Witnesses did not capture the doomed craft on videotape. Tearful If only I had told him I loved him speeches did not litter morning chat shows. Nothing happened at all. Landing gear and tarmac met as peacefully as two diplomats. I had survived. So, I thanked my spirit guide and promised I would repay it someday. And I have! This page is dedicated to my muse, spirit guide and favorite appliance, the blender. Thus, Jblend became shorthand for my life.
Years later, my first business venture was born. I named it Jblend World Domination Enterprises, or just Jblend for short.
Q: Um... and you think there are people that will believe that?
A: Never question my stories. Stories tell very intimate truths.
Q: It seems that you're calling your 32nd birthday "the 3rd anniversary" of your 29th. Why is that?
A: [nervous laughter] Well, it's not that I'm nervous about getting older, I can tell you that!
[Even more nervous laughter]
Q: Why do your roommates hate you?
A: I think you must be referring to the great coffee creamer war of 2004. The situation hasn't really been resolved and I'm not sure if we can get all the involved parties to "the table" together.
One day, there may be a time when we can put an end to the animosity and once again sweeten our lives with the nectar-like flavors of French vanilla or Irish cream. But until that day, the hatred in our hearts will continue to guide our hands. And the cycle of violence will continue.
(Shout-outs and air kisses to roommates David, Howie and Suzy!)
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