Poems / Fifth Edition

Your Smile	1
An Oral Fixation	2
A Special Valentines Day	4
Tomorrow's Pleasure and Pain	5
Your Love Fills Me	5
Master of the Dream World	6
I Close My Eyes	8
The Eye of the Storm	9
The Dream Warrior	10
No Longer Strangers	11
The Magic of Night	13
Thinking of You	15
I Walk Alone	17
A Mystical Romance	19
To Be a King of Dreams	21
A Celebration	23
Wonder Ship	25
My Ankle	26
A FunKy BiRd	27
A Little Puddle	29
A Longing for Love	30
In Your Eyes	32
Planing into Eternity	34
Tombstones of Color	36
Through The Tears	37
The Bike Ride	39
My Path	40
If I Had a Rocket	41
I Find in You...	42
Hanging On	44
A Quilt For Dying	46
A November Day	47
The One I Love	48
You Asked Me Why	49
Final Day Blues	50
A Late Night Phone Call	51
To a Friend...	52
To Love From Afar	53
I Got Your Letter	54
To Find Love	55
The More I am With You	56
Forever Yours	57
Grandma	58
I Had a Dream	60
The Marionette	62
The Pumice Stone	63
A Moonlit Troll	65
Ah Me Lassy	66
A Special Friend	67
When Thinking of You	69
The Look In Your Eyes	70
Sleeplessness	72
Our Meadow	73
Walk With Me	74
For Neves	75
I'm Free	76
I Want To Be With You	77
I Look To The Future	78
A Beautiful New Day	79
The Ghost That Haunts Me	80
A Riddle of Love	82
A Fevered Love	83
A Union of Love	84
To Fly...	86
A Master of Words	87
The Literary Soldier	89
The Magic Night	90
The River Of My Life	92
What Are We?	93
Do I Love?	95
Why do I Write?	96
My Writing	97
My Music	98
My Shelves	99
My Room	100
The Game	101
Snow	102
To Sleep	103
If Only I Could Sleep	104
I Dreamed Of You	105
The Meadow	106
Death	107
Life And Death	108
What's It All About?	109
What is life?	111
I and Us	112
My Mind	113
The Mind That Torments Me	114
Getting Stoned	115
High	116
Traveler	117
Them...	118
Will I Make It?	119
Why Must I Be Sick?	120
War Zone	121
All Was Peaceful	122
Thank-you	124
A One Way Love	126
Growing Away	127
What are you to me?	129
I'm Not For You	130
Why Is It You Are Pissing Me Off So?	132
Breaking Through Your Armor	134
That's What Friends Are For	135
Is There Someone Else?	136
Into Your Eyes	137
All I Want	138
Seeing You...	139
Leave my Soul Alone	141
About Last Night	143
I Want To Tell You...	144
Last Night	145
Even If We're Separated	146
A Day Away	147
Irritated	148
I'm Sorry	149
Mommy	150
Mothers Day	151
Aunt Bobbie	152
Dad	153
Grandma and Grandad	154
Mom	155
Rand	156
Dan	157
Jeffrey	158
To Love Again	159
The Helpless NA	161
Hurting Inside	163
The Ride	165
Missing You	167
Alone	168
My Heart Is Crying	169
The Tear	170
My Heart Gets Crushed	172
The Wolf	174
The Night	175
A Lass' Demise	176
The Trance	177
Your Light	178
Best Friends	179
A Summer Friend	181
A Touch of You	182
Before We Say Goodbye...	184
Where My Heart Is...	186
The Other Night Never Happened	187
The Fall	189
Caught	191
Holding Back	192
Time With You	193
Inside	194
Katie	195
My Friend Mike	196
Old Crow	197
Outside?	198
Shall I Compare You	199
What A Trip	200
What?	201

Your Smile

Your smile is a cure
for all that could ail me
a lift upon the clouds
to which all humanity strives.

The tenderness and warmth
that I see in your eyes
enfold me with a blanket of warmth
and understanding.

I curl up in your arms
protected from the world
free from the burdens
life has put upon me.

With your gentle kiss
you show me all that is good in life,
all that happiness should be
and feelings bubbling up from inside me.

I am caught in your smile
a cozy hammock that rocks me to sleep
with the corners of my mouth pulled up
in pleasant bliss.

3/22/95

An Oral Fixation

Soft lips surround mine,
supple, moist and inviting.
Nibbling, sucking and playing
ours dance in a duo of sensuality.

Fencing, our tounges explore eachother,
darting to a fro,
around and around we go,
taste upon taste we seek,
texture, pleasure,
are all bound together.

I kiss your face, your cheek, your nose
nibble your neck, and dive in your ear.
Trails I blaze upon your chin,
skin passing beneath me,
hot and flush with blood.

I search out for your nipples
each breast vying for attention
as I cuddle, tease and suckle.
Each kiss is tender,
each pull long and sensual.

Down, down I go
traveling upon a road of pleasure
exploring through exctasy
across plains of tender skin.

I kiss your belly, lingering
as I listen to your sighs,
feel your thighs
and delve deeper still.

Soft downy hair tickles my chin,
as I play in lazy circles with my nose,
filling my senses with the sweet perfume
that your body creates just for me,
making my blood run hot
racing through my body like a train out of control.

My mouth waters as I sense the wonderment before me
to taste you is a pleasure without bounds
my head gets giddy with a sexual drunkeness
that fills my mind and innondates my body.

Each breath from your lungs
synchs itsself with mine
your back arches
nipples stretching towards the heavens
as you ride the waves of pleasure

Your voice calls out
spurring me on
holding you closer as I tickle and tease
bringing you on and on
higher and higher
we bond together
as you pull me back up
to taste yourself upon my lips
to hold me tight within your arms
to feel the bond growing between us
we embrace in a gesture of surrender
and ultimate peace.

Until I taste you again,

2/13/95

A Special Valentines Day

A special day for a special someone
you raise my spirits
you raise my soul
a special sparkle placed in my eye
when I think of you

I smell your skin
and the tingles swarm upon me
flow through me
and out of me

Happy Valentines Day Deana!

2/14/95

Airport Terminal

Hot sweat trickles down my face,
a muggy towel seems to wrap around my chest.
eyes dreary and throat sore with
the noise and pollution
that fills the terminal like a plague.

Different lives thrown together
each important in their own minds
each ambivalent to the masses around them.

Annoyance at sitting here with them
wanting to be anywhere else
to be asleep
to dream
to die.

Tomorrow's Pleasure and Pain

As I lie here with the heat of day into night beside me,
I think about the other bedmates I have had before.

Lonliness, my most common companion
cannot even push tonights lover out of these sweaty sheets.

Many years,
many lives
I live through many single moments.

Brief sparkles of joy,
sensuality,
feelings of home,
and love.

Moments., that are but memories to me now,
longings in my heart that are miles and years away.

Tomorrow is just ahead,
around a twisted path
to crooked to see down,
unknown pleasures lie in wait,
unknown pain.
2/24/95

Your Love Fills Me

Your face fills my waking moments,
your smile, breath, and sweet fragrance fill my senses.

My thoughts turn to you,
and my mind is comforted,
at peace with the image of seeing you again.

Running through a day of worries,
concern, and excitement,
I calm myself upon hearing your voice.

Your words bring harmony to my ears,
a warmth to my heart,
and a smile to my face.

Rolling through a listless sleep,
I dream of you.
Longing for contact, I reach out
but find no one there.

I breathe in deep from your pillow
and fill my lungs with love and life.
Your essence, memory, and smile appear
under my eyelids.

2/14/93

Master of the Dream World

a falcon soars high
above the plane of humanity
free from the hooks and grapples
that chain human existence
and expression.

as twilight nears
feathers fade,
a transformation takes place

no longer innocence
and natural beauty,
but high above the sea
that glistens with the light of the moon
flies the shadow of my dream self
seeking out new adventures
and new worlds in the night.

I take the night by storm,
control my destiny
as I write the play around me.

Master of the Dream World
I strive to become.

11/22/91

I Close My Eyes

Thinking of you
when my spirits are down
all jubilation fallen into the pit of my stomach.

I want to reach out for you,
have you there to hold me,
to let me just cry a little on your shoulder,
in your arms.

I long for the gentle soothing of your voice,
the smile that reaches my ear
from miles and miles away.

We are so good for each other
each holding the other up for a little support
without being dependent on the crutch.

A better friend I could not ask for
A better lover not to be found.

I close my eyes Ti–a,
and wish you were here.

3/12/92

The Eye of the Storm

Waves of weariness
wash over me
the last vestiges
of a long winter storm.

Lying in the eye
I see the world swirl around me
Dancing in a musical
a play on words, and my life.

Looking through the eye of yesterday
I see blue skies
and soft light glinting of the water
golden rays of warmth and serenity.

But drawn back,
I am torn from these visions
as life picks me up
and carries my torn body
through the hail of eternity.

2/26/92

The Dream Warrior

Long blocks of iron clad men
seeking salvation,
yearning for a solution
to all our problems.

a new breed,
dream warriors fly through the land
on missions of terror
and mercy.

Long dark nights
fill the sky with bodies,
the refuse of a past generation.

The new order,
eyes closed we march to battle
our minds as our weapons
using thoughts and creativity
the new swords and armor
for a new dimension.

I soar as an eagle,
my skin tough as steel
my thoughts shoot daggers
into the minds of those that oppose me
I triumph, a king of the over-world,
and reign over the land of dreams.

1/31/92

No Longer Strangers

In a land of mist and starlight
we rule together
creators of destiny,
life and fate.

We ride the rainbows
sleep in the clouds
and play in the rain.

Our hearts sing songs of love
our bodies dance life
into the trees and flowers,
a breath from spring eternal.

We eat the forbidden fruits of our love
feast upon our desires
drink the juices
that spring from the wells of our happiness.

I join you in an act of creation
the birth of a new consciousness
between the cor of our souls.

It is you I desire,
your presence,
your smile,
your breath of life,
your contribution to the existence
of my being.

Two voyagers sharing a path of love,
we hold hands as friends, lovers
and no longer strangers.

2/3/92

The Magic of Night

The tattered dress
of a lonely soul
flaps in the wind of a cold desert night.

The soft footsteps
echo gentle recriminations
of a woman longing for love
to warm her bosom
during those long hours of darkness.

A single tear
makes its way down
the beautiful path of her face
a symbol of her desire
to let go and be free.

Fearful,
a soft hand wipes away the need,
a strong pull from deep within
to cut her bonds
and fly through the night
unseen.

It is the cascading rays of the moon
that freezes her in her tracks
as a soaring eagle
cries for her to join him,
a single suitor
in the unbounded space of the heavens

A whisper in the wind
his wings beat to the rhythm of her heart
and the melody of her soul.

Her longing draws her up
into the clouds as a spirit of the night
a flowing figure of mist and wonder
free to cast her shadow where she may.
1/21/92

Thinking of You

Thinking of you,
a smile caresses your face
holding me with warm embrace,
a long hug in the dark of night.

Deep longing fills my heart
more than just a desire to see you
touch you
make love to you.

I feel a new piece has been found
in this jigsaw of my life
tender moments
full trust and openness
has locked into place
your image in my heart.

I long for that walk on the beach
or candle light teasing my eyes
with the tantalizing image of your body.

A sweet wonder
fills my mind,
relaxed in your arms
everything else just fades to gray.

My reality becomes two bodies
orbiting each other
in an endless dance through the heavens.

A soul kiss through ether
and a smile shines across my face
like dawn on a clear blue morning
as I think of you.
1/18/92

I Walk Alone

I walk alone
my even strides
ever propelling me forward
to some unknown
unseen destination.

I can look back
see the path winding
through many a dark forest
through meadows bright and green.

I can see where
my path has gone astray
seeking to shelter
in the footsteps of another.

I see where the steps of others
fall close to my heels
seeking protection
wanting to know the way.

But it is the trail that spreads out before me
wide and open
through sunshine and shade
that becomes my thoughts.

I can see where other paths
crisscross about
some even running along side
for a spell.

But it is these paths
that are their own journeys
We may share the road
but should not interfere.

I choose my path to walk on
to boldly stride forward
facing my perils
accepting loss

and rejoicing gain.

Now, though I may travel with others
I walk alone
the trail made for me.

1/12/92

A Mystical Romance

Soft kisses
follow your gaze
a link across space
and time.

Each touch
a memory
each kiss
a warm image
saved for a rainy day.

Mystical romance
blossoms from the cracks,
not looked for
but found just the same.

The emotion in your eyes
reaches out to me
and holds me all night.

The desire in your kiss
spurns the same in me
relights a small flame
the pilot light
to my heart.

The comfort in your arms
holding
and being held all night,
safe
warm and secure.

Waking,
a new pleasure
your smile lights up my day
a sunrise to a crystal clear day.

Clouds and fog,
broken by the spell you weave,
stardust in the twilight
sprinkles in my hair
trickles to my mouth
in a long
sweet
kiss
goodbye.

12/9/91

To Be a King of Dreams

So soon the sun
shrinking like grapes
on the old vines of a forgotten vineyard
sets its cares
in careful rows
to put away its deeds and
worries of today.

As the last man leaves...
a circle of dust,
a silence measured in heartbeats
and whispers
echo through the days thoughts and deeds.

I lay my tired body
into my cocoon of sleep.
A child resting
in the arms of the mother
that bore him into life.

Drifting,
I fly to new lands,
where adventure
and romance abound.

Taking control,
walls of stardust
collapse and reform
into the thoughts
and will of my mind's eye.

The lone adventurer,
forever searching
for a companion to share
my dreams.

A difficult task
impossible some might deem
this joining of two souls
in an ever lasting dream.

But I strive forth
and look forward to that day
the night I find that friend
I shall dance and sing
in a hundred countries
on a hundred different planets.

The plane of dreams will be broached
a hundred thoughts
and beliefs will be broken.

A new king of the slumber world
will be born.

11/19/91

A Celebration

In the night
bubbles racing through me
a race up the side of my glass
to reach my brain
to tease my senses.

I have pushed an awful weight off my back
straightened myself
looking ahead and around me
for once my eyes off the beaten path

Freedom of a new horizon
spans about my vision
arms spread wide
an open invitation
to a party all around.

The work of an old quarter over,
past pain and hardship
white washed out of existence
like the dirt on an old fence.

I look to new challenges
new adventure
a new life just yet begun
fresh with the vigor
of a new born child

a phoenix
raised from the ashes
of the great grandfather
whose time has come
to move on.
12/9/91

Wonder Ship

Wonder wonder
full of plunder
a ship is full of gold

with a hull that's filled
right up to its gills
its a wonder its still grows old

when along came a gale
that blew out its sail
and down went that ship with its hold.

12/10/91

My Ankle

Oh, my ankle it keeps a throbin'
and my walk it is a hoblin'
I feel the bump
as I hit my rump
and cry as they start scoffin'

1/21/92

A FunKy BiRd

Silent birds
are flirty birds
are wicked birds
are crafty birds.

Silent birds
have no words
sing no songs
tell no tails
cry no wails.

Silent birds
have no fun
have no friends
play no games
get no dames.

Silent birds
eat no worms
drink no beer
have no fear.

Silent birds are boring.

Now...

FunKy BiRds
alWaYs PLay
alWAys ruN
have plEnTy of FuN

FunKy BiRds
eaT NO WorMs
DRINK aNd Eat
wiNe aNd diNe
aRe SappY and FiNe

FunKy BiRds
liKe FunKy DamEs
WhO PlaY fUN GaMes
wHo alsO KisS and CuDdle.

And tHis FunKy BiRd
liKEs YoU FuNkY BirD
LikEs yOuR sTyle
liKeS YoUr SMILE

ThIs FunKy BiRd
WaNts YOu FuNKy BiRd
tO Go oN a DaTE
aNd StAY Up LaTe

So LetS FuNKy BiRD
Go gEt OurSElvEs a WOrM!

12/10/91

A Little Puddle

A little puddle
is so much trouble
for those with little or no sense

They splash so wide
can't keep me dry
with water all over my pants

So when you play
on a rainy day
be sure to avoid all the puddles

For they will search you out
with a scream and a shout
with laughter and smiles and giggles.

12/10/91

A Longing for Love

a heavy sigh
weighs down my heart like a thousand hammers.

I feel confused
a lost thought
in a crowded room.

I want to be in love again
I want to feel those feelings
that have been lost
to share in the intimacy
of two love birds on a branch
snuggled together
looking at a sunrise
of a fresh new day.

I long to take long walks,
to feel the breeze on my face
to hold a warm hand in mine.

I want the late night intimacy
that knowledge
that she feels these things too.

I want her kisses to show me
that I mean the world to her
that I am the only one
who can make her feel this way.

Just a little love
to tie my days together
with a little hope
and a lot of laughter.
11/27/91

In Your Eyes

Clear as crystal,
your eyes gaze into mine,
two portals into your soul
and the swirling dreams
of your heart.

I fall enchanted,
cast under a spell of beauty
that you cast with every look,
each gaze upon my upturned face.

I sit mesmerized,
hours later in a dream
that calls your name,
searches for the eyes
that I long to bring home.

I long to reach out
to touch you in a special place
that can only be reached
on invisible fingers of light
searching you out
in a world full of darkness.

Depths of thought
and clarity of mind
sing to my world
through your globes of sight.

As if I could dive through you
swim in the waters of your tears
and play in the sunshine
of the smile on your face

I steal a look
covert and cunning
to see if you are aware of me
and find my gaze returned
with a fullness
that wraps me in a blanket of delight.

Your eyes are as I have never seen
and fill me with a wonder
of who you are
of everything you strive to be
and want to do.

It is as I think of you
that your smile comes to mind
the smile that is captured
on your mouth
and in your eyes.

11/24/91

Planing into Eternity

Wind on the water,
a soft voice in my ear
whispering sweet nothings
as we reach off the wind.

Out over the blazing blue
of the world below me
white spray hits my arms
tries to drag me down
into her cold eager embrace.

A quick breath
tears streaming
from under my sunglasses,
my mind focused on the one thing
that can keep me going.

Eyes on the kite,
fingers grappling for life itself
a do or die battle
with the invisible gods
of eternal motion.

Wide out of the water
a scream is torn from my throat
I look beside me
and we share that look,
that only we can know
at this moment.

We are the wind,
the water
we are flying as only the birds
wished they could
as only we can,

Planing into eternity
life immortal
is ours.

11/20/91

Tombstones of Color

I have seen tombstones
with depth and color
fragments of life
and love
of a name in the past.

To see so much love
raises my eyes to see hope
yet so much pain, death
fills these eyes with tears.

To see so many
all too young for this
wiped out by some unseen enemy
with no thought
no mind
no love
and no hate.

A waste of so much talent
laughter,
and tears.

The silence is thick
with the memories
that flow over us
and through us
to our hearts.

11/15/91

Through The Tears

Pangs of loneliness,
hours of worry

The sun's glow fades to gray,
premature twilight
in a room without windows.

Endless days of longing,
a lone traveler
in an empty station.

The whistle
I long to hear
is but a faded
ringing in my ears.

Soft meadows of song
surround me
come up to the tracks
eager to lead me away

from the search
for the one I look for in my dreams,

the one I have already found,
yet not seeing
her face, through my tears.

When at last awake
my wings free of frost
and dust
her face glows
like an angel through the morning rain

If only she
could see my face
through her tears...

10/25/91

The Bike Ride

Billowing pressure in my ears
small acknowledgement
that I'm going somewhere.

Blood pumping,
filling my legs with each
moment.
Forward motion
evident as the world slips past.

My mind filled with two thoughts
Right leg down,
Left leg down.

A trance like state
I am magically moved
from place to place.

A quick click of my heels,
and I'm home.

Everything a blur
tears fill my eyes
flushing out the wind.

I fold into my bike
hold on for dear life
a bullet down the street.

10/30/91

My Path

I look at a new face
her smile warm and inviting
her eyes alight with wonder
and happiness.

I sit and wonder
who she is
where she has come from.

I walk at a vertex
of many paths crossing
and many lives connecting

And stay on the path less traveled
a small and curious trail
through the woods
and jungles of unacknowledged passion.

With my eye on the road ahead of me
I keep to my journey
a singular soul
in a endless universe of faces.

Yet always keeping an eye out
for the shadow that will find
me walking arm in arm
or side by side
with the woman I love

10/25/92

If I Had a Rocket

If I had a rocket
I'd play a little tune
and if I had a trumpet
I'd see what I could do.

The world is a funny place
as it spins from day to day
the sun starts from the east
and then it goes away.

I'd like to share this secret
if you only would
please be kind to me
the way you only could.

The dream time is for lovers
the day time is full of work
night time comes with covers
that protects us when we're hurt.

But if that hurtin' in the night
no longer weights the heart,
A dream can be a wonderful place
to give you that new start.

Alas this poem's getting long
my writing fingers' done
but if I brought a smile to your lips
Your heart I've surely won!

11/20/91

I Find in You...

You occupy my thoughts,
my dreams and visions.

Represent a feeling
I have not felt
and not let myself feel
for a long time.

I try and protect myself
from the possible pain
the hurt and fear
that I will lose all.

But I find in you
a strength that stirs me
thoughts
and ideas to match mine
a way of life I can comprehend.

Everything I have seen in you
has made me smile
joyful with the knowledge
that I have found you.

I only wonder
what this will mean
as we grow closer as friends
and maybe as lovers?

How can I express
how scared you make me feel
just in the knowledge
that you have touched something
deep inside me
that has been gently protected
from prying eyes
and hearts.

I long to open that door,
and invite you in
to have your company
without reservation
or inhibition.

I guess I'm just waiting
to hear a certain knocking
that tells me its you,
standing out in the cold and rain
wanting to warm your fingers
by the fire of my heart.

11/25/91

Hanging On

Hanging on,
my knuckles white and straining
arms stretched to the limit
of all strength
and fears.

I hold on to the image
that a perfect world can exist
though I feel in my arms,
legs and body
that this will not be so.

This complex maze
of human emotions
of human deeds
and fears,

Spreads the confusion
of a thousand generations.

It is not the night
that haunts me
its in the light of day
that the plague of human misunderstanding
threatens my very existence.

A small cog
In a large wheel
of money,
power,
and human intuition.

I do not believe in evil
because it is apart of everything

I do not believe in grace
as it must envelope me
and that I cannot let
anything do.

11/20/91

A Quilt For Dying

A room full of ghosts
memories,
and pain.

So many people dying
a death so useless
so horrible
snatched away from life.

Memorials of loved ones
surround me
dates of pain,
limits of life
that show so little.

I see brothers and sisters
that were and would be
younger than I
yet now they lie still
cold, lifeless.

I wonder that my name is not here
my life represented in cloth
by loving hands
and knowing it could never be enough
to show who I really am
what I really want to be.

So little space
to show so much love.

11/15/91

A November Day

Figures dancing
to collegiate beats of thunder.
I wonder, I wonder.

Crystal pure,
the light breaks upon
the golden green blades of life.

Small islands of color
in a vast expanse
of grays and beaten green.

Red coats huddle,
protection against an invisible chill.

Dark tan legs dance with the sack of cloth,
kicking, juggling,
partners in crime
where fun is banned like free thoughts
in a cold dark prison cell.

11/19/91

The One I Love

a distant light shines
in the eyes of the one I love.
Her smile could warm the coldest ice,
comfort the most forlorn soul.

Her love sparks the flame
that burns in my heart.
I long to be with her,
her soft hands flow through my hair,
arms cuddle and hold me
in their protective embrace.

Not even the thousands of miles that separate us
can sever the bond
that holds her to my heart.

I call her in my dreams,
forever searching for her soul.

I long to connect on that ethereal plane
a place of no boundaries,
of mysteries that are unending,
and ever changing.

Someday we shall map the wilderness,
create a place of our own,
and mold the very heavens
with the light in our hearts.

5/20/91

You Asked Me Why

You asked me why,
why I could be attracted to you,
want to be more than the friends we already are.

Its not just that I think you're beautiful,
not just how I feel when you're around.

Its the friends we are,
the friends we were
and the friends I hope we'll always be.

You've seen me at my best,
seen me at my worst,
and the various in betweens.

You have a sense of who I was before,
of who I am now,
of who I may become.

Through all the things I've done,
all the things I've felt or said,
you've stood by me,
given me support through the hard times,
jumped, ran, and spun through the good times.

Even when I risked falling for you,
stammered in my nervousness telling you how I felt,
you took my hand and smiled.

I love you because you're you.

5/15/89

Final Day Blues

Oh, to lament the final day blues
that wicked thing
that tests us,
mocks us,
and drains us too.

I'd hate to try
to do real well
only to find
that my mind
has gone
to hell.

11/19/91

A Late Night Phone Call

Lying next to you,
touching by phone late at night.

Two souls drifting off into each others thoughts,
relaxed, no worries.
I listen to you, the sweet whisper of your breath
as we nod off, cradled in each others ear.

I dream of holding you in my arms,
snuggled like cozy summer lovers,
smiles upon our lips as we sleep.

In our moment,
no intrusions,
no questions asked,
no words spoken.

Two friends drifting off together,
under the night time sky.

7/7/89

To a Friend...

I love you as my friend,
feel your smile within my heart
The song of your soul,
dances on my tongue.

I love to watch you walk,
your grace is real,
the laughter and beauty of your step.

I love to gaze upon you when you sleep,
your breath leaves you unwillingly,
longing to hold on to your chest
your lips soft and full,
tease the desire in my heart.

I love it when we dance,
our song in the background
simple beats put together in a symphony of respect.

I'd love to be your lover,
sharing the intimacy we've missed,
enjoying the levels of love we have yet to explore.

4/17/89

To Love From Afar

To love from afar,
like watching a feast from the cover of the trees.

Silently waiting to speak out,
to make a move,
to let your feelings show.

Bathing in pain,
when everything isn't going right,
the tender moment missed,
the chance gone yet again.

Questions dance around your feet,
should I?
will she?
would it?

Going from friend to lover,
a walk around the block
in the dark
with no clothes on.

Vulnerable and open
naked in the truest sense,
opening the door for someone else.

4/17/89

I Got Your Letter

I got your letter today,
perfect timing.

Last night I cried over her,
couldn't get her out of my heart.

I knew that only my best friend
could sooth the pain.

I wish to god you were here,
to hug me and hold me in your arms.

No matter what happens in my life,
your love is always there to keep me going.

3/31/88

To Find Love

Iron skulls
and crushing armor,
they come for me.

To carry me off to a different land.
One of beauty and danger,
of lust and greed.

The love is there,
you just have to find it,
it lies under the rocks,
hides behind the trees.

Just pull the feelings
from inside you and make the first step.
Love comes slow,
and in small doses sometimes.
but it will be there for you in the end,
your buttress,
your foundation.

11/4/87

The More I am With You

I guess I am still confused
how can I be so unsure
of my feelings towards you?

The more I am with you
I see you even more as
the person I want to be with.

I enjoy your company
love watching you laugh
am at peace,
caressing your hair.

I also long for the kiss
that will wrap you into my arms
that will keep my fire warm
even in the coldest months of darkness.

I want, yet am afraid I'm still not yet ready
something still pulls me back,
a need to be alone
to grow as a whole
healed human being.

But just knowing that you will always care
for your American Stud
as the friend I have always been
and want to always be
even after the kiss
that will set my heart a fire.
8/24/91

Forever Yours

I miss what we had
and I feel so alone when you're not here.
I'm afraid to loose that feeling you create when around me.
I don't want anyone to push you out of that special place in my heart.
I love you for taking me as I was,
never judging me
standing behind me whenever the rootless panic of the unknown reared its ugly and ferocious head.

When I made mistakes and did something wrong
you helped me see that I was human and that I did love
I want the old days
yet I know deep down that they probably will never be the same.
I must look to the future and realize that time moves on.
Though if I could, I would stop time and be with you forever.

I can only hope that we will grow together even though separated,
We can only hope for that and still remember the love we shared
and still share.

10/27/87

Grandma

I wanted to write you a poem
Grandma.
One that brought tears and a smile
to everyone who read it.
A poem about your strength,
your beauty.

I want to tell the world
Grandma,
how much you cared
how much love you sprinkled into my sunrises
how much happiness you've brought into my life.

I promised you while you lay there
Grandma,
in your death bed
that I would never forget you,
the things you've done for me,
how much you've meant to me.

During those hours I sat there
Grandma,
by your side,
your hand still warm in mine,
I remembered the us in my life.

Those images of our card games,
cool drinks in the backyard
came to me in a rush
of feelings
and tears.

The house you lived in for so long
at least in the terms of my short life,
brings to me the essence of all you are,
of all you were.

That essence comes in waves to me
Grandma,
so strong and overpowering.
They are waves of your love,
Grandads love,
for the both of you are intertwined in my heart.

The feelings I have for you
Grandma,
are immersed in my love for Grandad,
for the presence you both have been
in my life

Its hard to accept that you're really gone
Grandma,
I know that at the very least
you will live for the rest of my life
in my memories

I love you
Grandma.

3/10/90

I Had a Dream

Last night I had a dream
a dream of family.
A family feast with friends
and loved ones.

For me there was one special guest,
a person so dear to me,
beautiful,
and full of love.

She sat as she always sat
smiling,
joking,
enjoying life as it surrounded her
a chance to be with us once again.

I sat in a state of confusion,
of happiness,
of wonder.

It was just like old times
yet I knew it couldn't be.

As the last drops of water
fell from the pitcher of our lives,
so did the first
from my eyes.

I looked up
and my grandmother was gone,
her place empty
her silence deafening
to my ears.

I cried not only in sorrow
but in joy
that I would see her at least
this one last time.

As I had always
seen her.

As I will always
see her.

In my memories,
In my heart.
I love you Grandma.

3/17/90

The Marionette

My head hangs low.
my body collapsed.

I am the marionette.

Without my master
I am lifeless.

My energy is gone,
the power that once gave me life
has leaked away.

No more do I run and play,
frolic and dance to someone's music,
delight and make people laugh.

I have been discarded,
thrown in a corner to collect dust.
The dust that weighs down my soul.

4/18/88

The Pumice Stone

but alas,
as the clock slowly ticks away the minutes of my life,
I grow weary and feel the weight of many mountains
upon my back.

The life I live is a hard one,
and the pumice stone of time
rubs away part of my soul,
lost forever in a sea of vast emptiness.

Only the knowledge that
even as my soul is worn away,
it grows with strength and vigor
and a will to survive that out paces that of time eternal.
It allows me to empty myself onto the page.

My words are drops of blood,
rich in meaning and life,
only to dry up and blow away on the wind of despair.

if only I could preserve that warmth,
the sustenance of my being,
so that it will forever live in harmony.

To be able to transfuse my thoughts, emotions, and energy,
into that special someone.
To be able to bond ultimately,
so that words are unnecessary,
and are but a hindrance in the life line that shall hold us.

Oh, to find her,
the one who can talk in my dreams with substance,
not a mere shell of my subconscious.
I long to share my dreams in lucidity,
and clarity with someone.

To be able to create together,
our own universe,
with our own players, and scenery molded
to wave lengths that bind us.

I live in my dreams,
for they are the true reality,
the palace of power and mysticism.

I wish to be shaman for all humanity,
to guide and protect.
To seek out the helpless
and make them strong.

I long to create and protect these visions,
to live within them in the harmony
that I strive to achieve in the outside.

Aye, I am the true dreamer,
the one who sees, but is not always seen.
The one who looks
but can hide in a shroud of mist.
5/16/91

A Moonlit Troll

once upon a moonlight stroll,
I came upon a moonlit troll.

His hair was silver,
his eyes all gold.

Now what ever happened
to that moonlit troll?
5/20/91

Ah Me Lassy

ah me lassy,
the hills are so grassy,
the sky is so blue.

the winds are a blowin'
my heart is a growin'
as I write these words to you.

my mind leaps a high,
up towards the sky,
as I sit here with nothing to do.

but soon I'll be goin'
and you'll be a rollin'
as you read these words so true.

I thank you friend,
who I'll thank again,
for bringing into my life, something new.

As these lines get a longer,
my heart grows a fonder,
for the words only you can construe...
5/22/91

A Special Friend

Standing on the shore of my life,
I watch you crash onto my beach with the suddenness of
a new days tide.

Shocked and filled with wonder and excitement,
I run to your open arms,
swimming in your warm currents
and cool depths.

I splash and play with you under the morning sun,
this day you have made beautiful
with your smile and friendly banter.

So easily have we clicked together,
two lost parts of a puzzle,
now called our friendship.

I am in awe at how easy it is
to be with you.
Not a minute forced or
a moment regretted.

I look forward to your arms
comforting and inviting,
to touching with lights and fires
that calm my soul
with their mesmerizing dance.

I see a specialness
in what we call our friendship.
More than a passing hello,
a name that will someday be in our past.

I see a now,
that could last
and blossom
as do the truest bonds of friendship.

6/4/91

When Thinking of You

The feelings
that rush up into my throat
when thinking of you
are complex and deeply rooted
a tree's firm grip
in the ground it has come to rely on.

The thoughts
of the two of us
hand in hand as an old couple
strolling down the street
of our happy lives.

I long to see
the look in your eyes
that is the same
as the warmth
in my heart.

The more I know you
the more you intrigue
and stimulate my inner desires
for your flesh
your soul.

A feast of romance,
of wine carefully chosen
from among the tastes of many.

I love you Neva
and the friendship you have always
given so freely.
8/24/91

The Look In Your Eyes

The look in your eyes
fills me with immediate longing,
a hunger driven by my desire for you.

Hot passion
fills the room with
a firework display of electricity.

My lips reach out,
frantic hands in the dark
to find yours once more
soft,
moist,
and tender.

Our bodies glide together
each moving with its own grace
own intent.

I look up at you,
ecstatic pleasure
battles with runaway emotion
for the throne
in your eyes.

Your breath is so sweet,
it fills me with a hunger
wanting the pleasures
you have to offer.

We are bound
with the ancient pleasures
we have sought.

Together we light up the sky,
fill each other with ourselves,
with our souls.

6/11/91

Sleeplessness

I lie listless,
my body a limp rag thrown to the floor.
My brain tosses and turns,
yearning for the blessing of sleep.
For hours I lie here,
a small cog in a large wheel of insomnia.

My mind wanders,
my feet go numb in a soft rhythmic like trance.
They too feel the need to rest,
to fully let go of the days troubles,
to be free.
10/88

Our Meadow

Some days I picture you there,
lying in the tall grass,
smiling up at me.

A meadow of our own,
a place to run, jump,
and love.

It's a place of sunshine,
like that I see in your face.

We walk hand in hand,
arm in arm.

We run and play,
roll around,
we are together.

Wouldn't this be grand?
Just the two of us
trying to be one.

Yet staying separate.

Someday I hope you will be there
with me,
A dream come true.
Come, let's walk in our meadow.

1/13/88

Walk With Me

I see you sitting there talking to me, my mind is on fire.

I relate to your words, feel your emotions.

I relax in your presence, relating matters of the deepest importance, of feelings and thoughts not discussed between the best of friends.

I look into your eyes and I am drawn to your presence, your beauty.

The words of your poetry flow from your lips, bring tears to your eyes, and a glow to your face.

I see a friendship in your eyes, I see someone I want to hold, someone I want to be held by.

I yearn for your kiss, your sign that you feel the same.

Something to tell me that it's all right.

That we can be more than friends, that we can explore friendship and romance hand in hand.

Touch my heart and I'll soar to your nest.

Feed my desire, and I'll live for you and with you.

Show me love and I'll kiss your tears away.

9/22/88

For Neves

Neva, I don't know if you ever knew,
how much I loved you.

I mean there were times I would have married you on the spot,
If you had so much as asked.

When you went to Mexico,
I realized that you meant more to me
than life itself.

I wanted your friendship,
I wanted your love.

I went through a month of agony,
wishing I could kiss your sweet lips,
calling but finding nobody at home.

I thought everything would be fine when you got back,
but all my plans backfired,
I had to smother my feelings.

Those feelings have come and gone throughout these past months,
myself wishing we could be together always.

Of course there were the other times when all I needed was a friend.
You have always come through when I needed it,
being the best friend anyone could ask for.

I just hope that we will always be something to each other,
our lives twisted together somehow.

I love you.
3/31/88

I'm Free

I'm free,
the misty air clings to the hillsides,
the morning dew coats the ground with a gentle kiss.

I'm free,
the early song of morning plays melodies in my ear.

I'm free,
the pastels of a child's picture coats the freshly lit sky
with warm rays of sunshine.

I'm free,
the laughter of flowers floats on the air around me.

I'm free,
the newborn grace of a fawn looks at me with soft velvet eyes.

I'm free,
My spirit flies high above the heavens in the twilight of a new day.

I'm free...

10/7/88

I Want To Be With You

I want to lie with you,
warm covers snuggled around our shoulders.

I want to breathe the mist of hot coffee,
with the fire crackling in the brisk cold of winter.

I want to smell the flowers in the fields,
their perfumes arousing a hidden beauty.

I want to dance and sing with you,
our bodies moving together, our voices raised in song.

I want our lives to intertwine,
two pieces of string wound inextricably together in a length of rope.

I want to cry on your shoulder,
my sobs comforted by your touch.

Most of all, I just want to be with you,
as friend, lover, companion.

10/7/88

I Look To The Future

I remember a time when I lived for the present,
enjoying each moment with you as it came,
laughing, playing, and savouring your company to the fullest.

I remember a time when I was lost in the past
wishing I was with you again,
thinking of the bond we held so closely,
longing for the love we felt so strongly.

Now I look to the future,
You and I standing side by side,
sharing our love and energy,
cuddling in the intimacy I've longed to have.

I want more than anything for our futures to be intertwined,
holding hands like little kids lost in the cloud of puppy love,
gazing into each other's eyes with warmth and understanding,
holding, kissing, loving each other.

I want your companionship Neva,
your friendship, your affection.

I need your love...

4/27/89

A Beautiful New Day

As I sit here thinking of you,
my heart pounds in a way it never has before.
Feelings between us seem to bounce back and forth,
intensifying with every kiss, every word.

The sweetness of your kiss
I savor with each bite.

The beauty of your eyes
enrapture me with every glance.

I want to lose myself in your arms,
dance between your lips,
fly away with your soul.

No one can foresee the future,
No one can say what will become.

Only you and I can walk forward
hand in hand,
looking towards the sunrise
of a beautiful new day.
12/10/88

The Ghost That Haunts Me

A ghost haunts me,
her shape and form are invisible
to all but me.

It's been so long since I've conjured up her spirit,
always thinking she was dead and gone.
Now I see that she has always been here,
locking her arms around my heart,
keeping my doors closed,
my pain inside.

Hatred and frustration shoot from my eyes
darting through the black void
searching to pin down her fleeing image,
wipe her stained memory from my mind.

Wrench her from my soul,
scrub and clean the corners of my heart
now so dirty,
with old blood.

For too long you've held me back,
keeping me away from others who have loved me.
I could only wonder why I felt so distant,
my soul floating above the sheets,
looking down upon the bodies below.

Anger
I want to rip her heart out,
the way mine was wrenched from me,
years it has taken for the scar to form
only now to be ripped open afresh
the blood and pain again so real.

The walls I had sought to do battle with,
smashed and have torn through my thin and fragile cloth.

I stood alone,
the martyr,
the lone soldier looking up at her fortress.

I laid myself bare before her walls,
hoping to be brought in,
cared for,
looked after.

The gates opened,
only to lock me in her dungeon,
keeping me out of her heart
yet locking me in.

For months I pounded on the door,
trying to escape.

Even though the walls have faded,
her fortress gone,
The spirit follows me,
haunting and holding me back.

I search for the knife,
sharp and angry,
to sever the cord
to break the chains that bind me,
to let me free.
12/10/89

A Riddle of Love

You smile with pleasure
you dance with grace
you even make cookies
to stuff in my face

You laugh when you're happy
cry when you're sad
you jump when joyful
and pout when you're mad

You ski in the snow
you run in the rain
you come up to me
when you feel you're in pain

You hug me by day
once cuddled me by night
you write me long letters
and fill me with delight

Your thoughts always caring
your deeds always new
there's no way to say it
'cept

I LOVE YOU!

12/14/88

A Fevered Love

Though I lie here sick in bed
and crazy thoughts run through my head
One clear thought shines through and through
those words I hear
I love you

The time to write has come at last
discarding thoughts of ancient past
I long for you to be with me
cause only then
I am free

Your voice is soft but fills the air
dreams of you protect with care
the times that you
cannot be there

Since our desire to love is so strong
what future holds cannot go wrong
the vision blazes with us two
holding each other
I love you

1/15/90

A Union of Love

I look before me
And I see the love of two people,
Of Rand and Jennie
My brother and new sister
An ever growing bond between them.

I look beside me
And I see the love in the eyes
Of the friends who are here to celebrate
The union of these two people.

I look beyond them
And see the love of parents, grandparents,
Relatives, and friends
All wishing good thoughts for them.

I look into the future
And see many years of happiness,
Of work, courage, and strength,
Of love and compassion.

I see that love shares many forms, faces,
ideas and pictures
That love expresses a feeling within all of us,
A feeling that we see today,
So strongly between Rand and Jennie.

I love you both,
As we all love you in our own way
But it's your love today that is sacred and binding.

It is that everlasting hug between you
That is stronger than friendship,
Yet built upon that very friendship of
Respect and trust.

It is now your foundation
On which to grow together.
Today your bond of love
Becomes the bond between husband and wife.
4/22/90

To Fly...

I can fly as high as the far off lights in the sky,
as high as and as far as my imagination wishes
when I'm in my dreams.

Ah, and what wondrous dreams they are too!
I fly like the wind across the waters of life,
and I fly like the soft breeze
that blows across your cheeks on a warm sunny day...

I am the controller of dreams,
and the holder of my destiny.

I am the night, the day,
and the magic that holds them mysteriously together.

I am the future of all human kind,
the seer of distant revelations,
the eye of the gods.

I am the one,
the many,
the child who constantly is learning, seeing, and experiencing
all that this life has to offer.

I am the wise old one atop a misty mountain,
a place shrouded in mystery and illusion.

5/15/91

A Master of Words

For too long now, has my pen lain silent,
a forgotten tool in the trade of love.

It's magic works wonders
across an empty page of unforeseen emotions.

The pen is mightier than the sword,
a champion of the senses,
for those who cannot truly feel.
A sweet caress in the night,
for the eyes which can truly see,
the beauty of a word.

But alas, what is a word?
Is it only the random scribbles of our hands,
lain down upon the parchment of our souls?
Or is it really something of substance,
a flight of the imagination,
a heart beat within our souls?

Oh, to be a master of words,
of our emotions, and reality.

To be as free as a dreamer in flight,
a chooser of words, is a controller of destiny.
For sooth the mind is made up of words,
each word a new meaning,
a look into our true feelings,
a key to unlock the doors to the cellar of our being.

I fly to the beat of the wings of a sparrows flight.
My life is now lived in the lucidity of a child's dream,
her dreams and reality intermixed,
like the soft whispers of a midnight lover.

5/16/91

The Literary Soldier

Ahhh, a hot dry wind blows through the caverns of my mind.
Scratching like the king of the jungle,
caught in a cage called my throat,
I cough up the rancid beings that plague me.

I have fought long and hard,
but I fear the battle is waning towards the other side.
His sharp claws tear my throat,
scarring from the inside out.

Another victim,
to another slaughter.

The lion's victory roar
echo's through my head.
Its power crushing my thoughts
like a thousand weights on my back.

Help me sweet misery,
make the demons begone like yesterdays nightmares.
Toss them into the eternal sea
of forgotten dreams, and lost loves.
Send me to meet with my fate,
a fresh soldier, newly borne into the life of the messenger.

Give me the strength to go on.
To live for a new day, reborn and full of life.
5/30/91

The Magic Night

The magic of a night
can be more special
than the sum of all your days.

For me,
there was magic wrapped around us
flowing through us.

I opened myself up
swung wide my doors
and let a flood of emotions
in and out of my heart.

I felt an incredible energy,
my life pulsing, thrusting, and dancing
as we made love
together.

Even though
those doors were only open
for minutes,
they drew in a drop of your essence,
the liquid feeling
I see so clearly in your eyes.

Holding you
was the only answer to your questioning eyes.
Where do we go from here?
We have broken through
the bonds of simple friendship
yet neither of us seems to want more.

I want to be your friend
let you fly free
to find a lover.

Yet I am drawn to you
opposite charges, signs.

The very fire of your soul,
and personality,
grabs hold of me with a grip of steel.

The more I struggle
the more entangled I become
in the web of my own heart.

All I long for
is to cuddle in your arms,
kiss your lips
and know you want the same.

6/22/91

The River Of My Life

You are incredibly beautiful
in the eyes of this fish.

In all the rivers I have traveled,
few have had currents
that pull me like you do.

I feel myself on a journey
up the stream of my life.
The way is not always clear
many a crossroad
to get through.

At your crossroad
I can see another direction
yet the current flows greatly
towards the warmth
of your bosom.

As I struggle to keep my head
above the water
I long to dive deep
into the pool
of your soul.

Farewell my dearest,
for these streams may cross again,
in the rivers
of our lives.

6/23/91

What Are We?

what is a white man?

is he a disease that needs to be cured?
is he a problem that needs to be solved?
can he be just like you and me.
or is there just too much involved?

what is a black man?

is he the poverty that plagues our streets?
is he the criminal that always is wrong?
can he be just like you and me.
or is it just easier to turn your back around?

what is a brown man?

is he the cheap labor you've wanted to find?
is he at home putting veggies in a sack?
can he be just like you and me.
or would it be easier to send him on back?

what is a yellow man?

is he the grinning waiter serving your fried rice?
is he always the studious one who is never down?
can he be just like you and me.
or is it easier to shut him up in Chinatown?

what are we?

are we just lost souls not worth saving?
are we really so evil that we all should suffer?
can we be us and not you and he and he.
or should we just nuke the world and lose all we have to offer?

10/27/87

Do I Love?

My heart screams out,
but is it really love?
Is this it, should I take the chance.
Will I hurt you in the end or
will we feel everlasting happiness?

We were so close,
Yet so far in testing our love.
Maybe four or five years away from being together again.

Can I risk the friendship we've had for so long?
I love you more than life itself yet,
I don't know whether to take the chance
to risk our friendship.
Yet I want to say so bad to say

I love you..

11/3/87

Why do I Write?

The pen flows across the paper of its own accord,
my emotions embodied with words,
my heart opened and exposed for all to see.

This is me,
My poems are apart of me, my soul,
they come from my thoughts,
my dreams.

I'll always write,
it has become a drug,
getting me higher and higher.

I can't stop,
my thoughts flow at all times
screaming to be written down.

How can I sleep with all the noise
of my brain pounding against my skull,
for its release?

11/4/87

My Writing

I've written a lot of poetry,
about love,
hate, racism,
drugs, you name it.

My thoughts are intimately connected with my pen.
The words flow in ways
I'd never be able to explain.

When talking out loud,
too many inhibitions block my words,
my feelings.

Sometimes I can't speak fast enough to keep up with my mind,
my words jumble and twist
as though bumping through a maze.

Writing is the one thing I do best,
Something I'd love to be known for.

Someday my poetry might rock the nation,
astound the world.

My words and deeds could be the deciding factor,
for all our futures.
And its a god-damned scary thought.

3/7/88

My Music

The music flows through my limbs,
my heart flies upon uncharted pockets of air.

I feel the air pulse and move,
my eyes throb to the beat.

I come to terms with myself.
I am free and I am me.

11/3/87

My Shelves

The wood's so cold,
hard and stiff.
Dead shelves straining under my oppression.
Books and bottles stamp their feet down
keeping the wood underneath
and alone.

11/3/87

My Room

I glance about my room,
taking in the sights of my life.

Dirty plates,
empty bottles,
even day old pizza lying in the corner.

The walls are covered with posters,
pictures of friends,
and heaps of useless memorabilia.

You may say I'm unorganized,
or a slob,
or just a college bum.

But my room is my life,
I live,
study, and sleep here.

There is no other place in my life
that I can mold so completely,
and take such control.

I am my own master,
and friend,
in my room.

1/13/88

The Game

The white balls, lined up on a sea of green,
stretching from one horizon,
to waves mingled with splots of amber and brown.

Small breezes of people flow back and forth,
gyrating, swarming till the goal is met.

The break is decisive, vectors of the same magnitude
and direction all flowing in a team of cooperation.

The orb is dropped, the transformations are limitless,
scattering beans from an open bag.

Piercing waves of pain carry through the air,
it is a mark of defeat, a mark of triumph.

4/11/89

Snow

As I walk through your flaky crust,
your insides shout for joy,
your passion released with my every step.

Sometimes you try to hold me,
drag me down past my knees.

You make my life difficult
for the very air around you is frozen
and still as death.

If I panic and run,
you grab my breath away from me,
leaving me gasping
to sink back into your open arms.

My only triumph
is when I flow with you.
My skis racing along your back,
letting me escape before you even know I'm there.

You are best though,
when I'm snuggled and warm,
your bite softened,
your beauty amplified by the safety of my nest.

3/13/88

To Sleep

To sleep, sleep is what I want.
My lids close easily,
scratch when I strive to open them,
cry when I blink.
I seek the darkness,
oblivion.
No drug or medicine,
is like the high
of meeting yourself.

Greeting him hi,
I climb down the stairs,
I enter the room of memories,
Dreams.
I see all and understand,
yet forget,
when outside,
awake
10/27/87

If Only I Could Sleep

I have sharp pins in my stomach,
aches in my legs,
and a fierce tingling in my fingers.

My ears are full of idle laughing,
useless conversation,
and disquieting noises in the night.

I long for sleep,
the drug that allows me to be with myself,
not alone, here in the dark.

I can be the President,
a bird flying through the heavens,
or someone's romantic lover.

I can be in a place where time has no meaning,
where hunger and pain are never present.
If only I could sleep...

1/13/88

I Dreamed Of You

Last night I dreamed of you,
it was nothing truly spectacular or bizarre.

We were just lying together,
with lips pressed together, expressing our feelings towards one another.

But, when we were suddenly separated,
like two ends of a phone line disconnected,
something grabbed my stomach.

I felt a fear that I would never see you again,
that you would become just a memory.

Even as I woke up, alone in my dark and cold room
wishing you were by my side,
I knew that the feeling wouldn't pass,
until I was in your arms again.

10/27/88

The Meadow

The morning dew settles on outreaching blades of grass
the deer and mice smell the beauty of sunrise,
a scent of peace and contentment.
the ground sighs in a moan of relaxation
and the sun even shines its new rays just for the meadow.

ROARRR, GRIND, CRASH.
steel constructs from hell burst into view
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.
huge snarling tractors rip the grounds feeble flesh.
RIPPP, TEAR.
blood and flesh of a million years is laid open, a sore and festering wound.

The animals cry out, the birds scatter.
The beauty is crushed, gutted, and hauled away.
great streaks of carnage lay throughout their home, their life.
What was once beauty and peace,
has become but chaos and horror.

10/7/88

Death

The silence is oppressive,
the walls are closing in.
The curtains are drawn,
my machinery shutting down.
Closing up shop,
my eyelids close,
I sleep
forever...

10/30/87

Life And Death

What is alive and beautiful to my eyes,
withers away and dies under your touch.

I bring happiness and peace to all I meet.
Yet you always follow and destroy what I've left behind.

Your morals are unlike any of this world.
You don't even care for yourself.

The things I create,
the life,
the wonder.

You are doomed to destroy.

I am the beginning,
everyone's start,
I am life.

You are death and decay,
and always triumph in the end.

3/13/88

What's It All About?

There are times in my life when all seems clear,
my destiny seems to unfold before me,
just about to reveal itself,
the plot of this novel called my life.

Then like a cloudy mist covering my eyes,
all vision is lost,
my horizon covered with a blanket of fog.

I can't tell if I was just crazy before,
full of romanticized ideas,
thoughts of glory and predestination.

Or if I was right.
My life is climaxing,
my soulmate already discovered.

How do I keep on living the middle road?
Jumping back and forth between ideas and realities?

Will I be able to figure it all out?
Is my life really going to be dull and unromantic,
days filled with going to the office,
nights with the wife and kids?

God sometimes I hope not,
but when I do sense what may be before me,
I cringe and become uneasy with the thought.

I wish I new,
I wish I could see what I am to become.
Time they say,
but time runs out.

3/7/88

What is life?

What is life?
that's what everyone wants to know.

Is Calculus and midterms and seven page papers,
all there is to our short stay here?

Can there be anything in just lying around,
sleeping, eating, generating relationships?

Are any of you at all important?
Do any of you really matter?

Sometimes its just me in this world,
everyone else is just a mirage,
an illusion.

Are you all props in my mind?
Maneuvered there for my benefit or pain?

You all say I should open up and let "me" out,
but why, if you aren't really there?

You think that the props you've put up are perfect,
the actors supreme.

But the inconsistences show through,
I see the faults and illusions.

You can't fool me,
I am my own self.

2/10/88

I and Us

Who can know the feelings
inside me,
Who can predict the future,
ahead of me.
Only I see the past
behind me.
but we all feel the earth
below me

10/27/87

My Mind

Feel the heat,
stretch my feet,
I can see the far distances
my mind traveling through many dimensions,
I travel as a spirit,
no body,
all mind,
emotion.

10/27/87

The Mind That Torments Me

Oh why does my mind torment me so?

I can't keep up with the constant changes, frustrations
and new ideas.

How can I rationalize my actions if the motives behind them change,
the ideas being twisted and warped out of proportion.

My mind is like a battlefield,
thoughts shooting at each other,
ideas being blown up left and right.

I don't know who the enemy is,
because so many times its myself.

how can you war with yourself?
Who can win,
who will lose?

Either way, I come out on the bottom,
problems forcing me down,
like the weight of a thousand hot potatoes.

Always am I grasping for breath,
getting burned with every move.

All I can hope for is that things will cool off,
That someone will pull me out,
and brush me off.

2/21/88

Getting Stoned

Getting stoned,
I feel the buzz, the high.
My mind is lifted up and out of my head,
My eyes radiate the fierce energy of my soul.
My gut turns when my mind looks back.
The feelings and pain of reality
calling me home.

10/27/87

High

My whole head feels compressed,
a pressure building in my brain, like a balloon about to pop.
pressure, pushing my skin out,
stretching, expanding,
my head swells as the tide of ancient knowledge flows in.

I talk and think.
I can laugh and smile.
Happiness crosses my lips
Spirits lift as I float above the hills
No worries, my hands dance with a song.
I am high,
I am strong,
let me fly free...

10/27/87

Traveler

My legs lift as my mind commands,
I walk in this shell,
this entity which is apart of me,
my legs travel back and forth, back and forth,
I command my eyes to move,
A smile crosses my view
my head turns round
I say to keep on
but my heart leaps out
and carries me forth
I say hi.

10/27/87

Them...

Rows of bricks,
bodies stacked one on another,
A wall
is being built.

Higher and higher the
death surrounds us,
the air lays heavy.
our world is being set up
And we know it.

The button is being pressed,
the rockets fly,
our world is gone
Yet we were not alone...

10/27/87

Will I Make It?

Will I make it?
So many people,
so much experience.

Am I the youngest?
the least qualified and ready?

I want this class,
its work,
my chance to explore.

This will be my first real taste
of the writing I have to come.

I hope we're all accepted,
that we can work together,
helping each other.

Please let me stay.

3/29/88

Why Must I Be Sick?

My mind aches with a pain of emptiness.
Drained of knowledge,
I sit in a stupor and contemplate nothingness.

As I yawn, my hot breath coats the inside of my mouth,
My brain is on fire
and my ears push in as if to put it out.

My eyes see the light as it burns them to the core.
The inner tissues growing weaker,
my sight growing dim.

Oh why must I be sick?
The fever runs through my brain
like flames licking a candles wick.

Burn on brain, suffer your heat.
Die to be born again,
on the bed of white,
from the mother's womb.

2/4/88

War Zone

Thuapa Thuapa Thuapa,
I hear and feel the helicopters
circling,
darting here and there on missions of mystery.

I feel I'm in a war zone,
the earth shaking with no warning,
a bomb exploding under my feet.

Always I am wondering
will the next one hit me?
will the big one really come?
as if Tuesday wasn't big enough.

Patches of the everyday
are starting to filter into my life,
a life of nervousness,
of anxiety and anger.

Some moments I'm about to explode,
Yell or cry.
or even both at the same time.

I feel as if I've been in a series of battles
yet the war still goes on.
The worst part,
not knowing when I'll get to go home...

10/29/89

All Was Peaceful

All was peaceful,
a beautifully busy
but productive and energetic day.

Classes through,
dinner and my game still ahead,
the NA meeting still in the near future.

Walking tall,
smiling and radiating the confidence I felt,
my ground firm and reliable.

I sat on top of the world,
on my bed tying my shoes.
My mind on dinner,
the food and conversation of the dining hall.

Then wham wham wham,
"who the fuck is jumping up and down now?"
Oh,
one of these.

My mind went into autopilot as the world shook,
my ground slipping from under me.

5:04
suddenly it was a day of reckoning,
a test of strength,
of courage and stamina.

As the ground shook
and spirits fell,
I became an Atlas,
holding up everyone's world
while mine quietly slipped from my back.

Think of everyone else first,
my motto,
my new ground to walk on.

But eventually even that earth gave way.
Life became normal,
everyone working out their problems and fears
while I forgot about the I in me.

As the quake inside me hit,
I felt everyone slipping away,
swallowed up in a crack and taken away.

A long and weary climb it has been,
only now day light shines upon my face,
a teaser of life as I once knew it.
The world still out there.

I'll get there as we all must sooner or later.
My clothes will be ragged,
my skin stained with my sweat, blood, and tears.

I will be reborn,
not as a Phoenix,
but as baby scarred with the complications of labor,
a cry,
my first breath.

10/29/89

Thank-you

How do you thank someone who has saved your life?
what do you say,
how do you act when they're around?

I know my life wasn't truly in danger
but you were there to lean on
my crutch
friend
and when we entered the realm of night,
my lover.

Those quiet moments were so precious to me
the reassurance of your lips,
kissing me to sleep.

We gave each other the strength to help others
even though our worlds were slipping through the cracks
closing them up
Martyring our lives for everyone else.

It seems as though we are the only ones
who realize the good we did,
the souls we saved.

But now, as the earth quiets
and everyone else returns to normal
I still long for your company,
the strength I find in myself
when in your arms.

I don't know exactly what to say,
or even exactly what I want.
Just that I want to hold you,
and to be held by you
in our old cocoon.
10/29/89

A One Way Love

I realize you don't feel towards me,
the way my heart longs towards you.

I know your position and I know deep down,
that there is nothing I can do to change it.

It seems strange to even think I may love you,
especially since I don't really know you.

I think it comes from certain things about you
that attract me more than you could think.

I just hope that maybe you will get
the same gnawing disease that has hit me.
You will feel the desire I feel when I look into your eyes.

I ask nothing from you in hope that I will get it anyway.
Either this or that I will be able to see you in a different light.

As just a friend.

Growing Away

It's been so long,
since I've heard your voice.
I've started a new life,
but unfortunately it doesn't include you.

I haven't returned your letters,
I haven't validated our time together.
It must seem as though I don't even think of you,
but I do.

I admit that my energies are elsewhere,
My heart hooked on someone new.
But I haven't forgotten you.

I have changed so much since this summer,
since that week we shared so intimately.
My horizons have widened,
my eyes opened.

I look on to more universal problems,
trying to be less self-centered.
In my insight,
I have overlooked you and others I have held dear.

This isn't to say I'm sorry,
because I wouldn't change it if I could.
I just want you to know that you are special,
but you can't be to me as you were before.

I have grown away,
a bird from the nest.
But who knows,
someday I may return...

What are you to me?

Confusing thoughts run through my head,
Do I really like her?
Is she the person I want to be with?
Does it really matter that her eyes don't look my way?

My heart runs amok,
I hate not knowing whether to give it up,
or to linger on in hope of a change.

How can she not ever look at me longingly?
Will she never think of me in her bed at night?

I'm afraid of the truth
and am not sure I'd accept it anyhow.
It's so hard to know when to be stubborn,
and when to give up and look another way.

The biggest problem is that it's not my mind that decides,
it's my heart.

So if you ever do look my way,
make sure I notice,
so I don't lose you.

1/88

I'm Not For You

I feel bad that I don't want you.
My heart is still hooked on someone else.
I realize that she is probably in the same boat,
loving from a far,
never turning around to love me.

I have decided to put off my emotions,
my heart's yearning and desires.

Do you really feel towards me
what I do for her?
It can't be the same because then its all a big lie.

I've been sure that we would be together someday,
No matter what happens.

She and I destined for each other
like ever meeting souls lost in new bodies.

If I even think of falling for you,
all my feelings,
all my beliefs,
will be for not.

I don't want to hurt you,
make you feel all that I have felt.

But as someone has put it so clearly and truthfully before,
I say it to you.
You don't know me, and I don't know you.

I've been too busy trying to know her,
you have always been second best.

I don't want to sound cruel or unkind,
but you are not alone,
Everyone is second to her.
Sometimes even myself.

3/7/88

Why Is It You Are Pissing Me Off So?

Why is it you are pissing me off so?
I can't see into you, your doors are closed.
I can't seem to talk to you,
your back is turned.

You said to bring up anything that is bugging me,
to talk to you face to face.
The problem is that you don't seem to listen.

I thought we had something special,
we were working with something solid.
I tried to be patient,
to be there when you needed me.

But have you needed me?
I know its only been a short while,
but it has seemed like a lifetime.

It has been a lifetime,
my life starting when we became friends.

I don't know how an old friend hurt you,
I don't know how or even if you still care about him.

You are always vague with me on the things that really matter,
I don't know how you feel.

Sometimes I feel that I may be pressuring you,
to open up and trust me.
I know that's not how it works.

I want so badly for you to trust me,
For me to be worthy of that trust.

We have been through a lot these past few weeks,
sorting through many of my emotions,
and philosophical changes.

I felt that maybe we were finally getting somewhere.
I almost felt that you cared about me,
that I might actually matter.
But this weekend I have felt the gap between us widen,
almost as if you were stepping back,

leaving me in front of you to brunt the wind.

I have felt the pain of thinking I could touch you,
or just feel comfortable around you,
when your skin has cringed at my touch,
no warning, no sign,
just a jump back to step one.

I don't know if you are afraid to get close to me.
If you are, that's ok. But I need to know.

I have no idea in the world what you think of me,
or how you feel about the time we spend together.

I don't want to pry, but I have to get some idea of what you want.

Please talk to me, help me figure out where the hell I am.
I've run out of options, I've got nowhere else to run.
Now I need to face my feelings, and yours.

Please don't turn away.

3/88

Breaking Through Your Armor

I am forever surrounded by memories of you.
The songs I hear,
The thoughts I think.

I have pulled you into my heart,
closing the door
so as to never lose you.

I hope to melt down your armor
with love and understanding.

Only the barest of silk tapestries
lie between your walls and my heart.

As you drop your shells,
one by one,
I see the distance between us.
I feel the need to get closer,
but it hurts each time I run into the next barrier.

I realize that only time will allow me to see you..
I am trying to keep my eyes open,
looking for the cracks and holes
in your armor.

It isn't an easy thing,
confronting the strength of your steel,
with my thin and fragile cloth.

But I will strive to be strong and brave,
so that we will meet together,
as close as one.
3/13/88

That's What Friends Are For

I looked into your eyes today
and in there I know not what I saw.
except the waves of pain crying to me for help.

I was drawn in,
as if you let your guard down for the first time
in a long while.

Is there something wrong?
Do you need someone to talk to?

I can't dismiss it.
let you just blow it off.
I can't have imagined the pain in your eyes.

I have been pretty sensitive lately of your moods,
emotions,
and actions.

I guess it's because you mean so much to me.

I hope everything is fine,
that it'll all work out.

Just remember that I'll always be here for you,
if you need me.

Cause that's what friends are for.

3/17/88

Is There Someone Else?

My gut turns and screams with pain.
my breath comes hard and jagged
as if a vice were clamped around my chest.

I don't think I could stand the thought
of you being with someone else.
The look in your eyes as you talked on the phone with him,
drove daggers into my heart.

I know you've never had that look before,
when thinking of me.
I know that your bear doesn't get cuddled tight against your breast,
when I'm on the phone.

You say that we still don't know each other,
but it's just a line,
to keep me at bay.

You don't even know him as well as I,
only stray comments,
a few nights and a previous limited friendship.

It hurts me all the more,
knowing I have to hang on.
That I have to still try to be your friend,
even with your eyes misted with his image.

I don't know if my love for you will ever die,
sometimes I wish it would.
But for now, I love you,
and probably always will.

3/17/88

Into Your Eyes

It's been so long since I've been let into your eyes.

Whether intentional or not,
it reaffirmed my vision of a bond between us.

Sometimes I feel as if it was all my imagination,
just wishful thinking.

I can't explain how it feels to be let in,
being drawn through your pupils,
my soul absorbed by yours.

I don't know if you feel it,
or if your pointed question was just coincidental,
a remark about my stare.

Did you feel something?
Am I crazy?

Tell me I'm not.

Just let me stare into your eyes,
to fly across the sky
and be released,
without the hindrance of body
or flesh.

3/17/88

All I Want

All I want is to spend a day or night with you.
To use our time talking,
playing,
or just being together.

A chance to be selfish with your time,
to make it our time.

I don't get much chance to be alone with you,
the opportunities just aren't abundant.
You always having more important things to do.

I hope someday my time will be that important to you,
You wishing I could be with you just a little more,
impatient without me.

I'm able to wait,
bide my time.
It gets harder though,
sometimes I feel like it can't be worth all the pain,
all the loneliness.

but it is,
if for only one look into your eyes,
one moment holding your hand.

I'll always be here for you,
even if it takes more than a lifetime.

3/17/88

Seeing You...

Seeing you today drove me crazy,
my heart jumped out of control,
my head spun like a lost plane.

I had hoped so much you would come over.
I felt myself dying inside without you.

Sometimes I regret giving you the poem.
But I wish I could come back into your life, regardless of the cost.

But if I do, what will you think?
How could I stand up to you,
or be able to control the pain in my heart?

I know that I have to get over you,
there's no way that I can stand it any other way.

I need you so bad,
I don't feel like I can talk to anyone anymore,
I want to cry on your shoulder
I want you to tell me everything will be alright.

How can I let go of you,
when I have given you an integral part of me?
I know you didn't ask for it
but I gave it anyhow,
hoping you would give the same someday.

I cry when I think what it is I'm trying to shut out,
what it is I'm turning my back from.

But I guess that it would have happened anyway,
your back already turning,
your face and eyes absorbed in a mist.

I guess I'm just trying not to see how you've turned away,
How much my heart has deflated at the sight.

If you ever feel that you want me back,
please tell me.
I'll come groping like a dog if I have to,
your love means that much.

But my love also realizes that if its not what you want,
or its not something you can give,
there's no way I can come and take it from you.

I won't come unless asked,
that asking means the world to me,
it means you care.

Care for me and I'll love you forever,
reject me, and I'll try to bury my love
in the dark pit of my despair.

3/31/88

Leave my Soul Alone

Why won't your ghost leave me alone?
I see your pictures everywhere,
always hear your name.

Just when I think I've gotten rid of you,
put you in a place where everything is past, forgotten,
You come back.

Your presence barges into my life,
destroys my peace,
my continuity.

the worse thing is that it's not really even you,
it's your soul,
it's our past.

I've loved you more than anyone,
have tried to lose you,
shake the chains of desire.

Those chains aren't meant to be broken,
they curl around my chest
constricting me, choking the life out of me.

I try to keep myself busy,
always working,
always studying.

I try to fool myself into thinking it's over.
but I can't let loose the bond that held us.

I hold on as if it's the rope holding me up,
keeping me from falling into the pit.

Even when my grip grows weak,
I feel like I can just let go,
fly away.
Yet I see you at the top and I hold on.

If I can't let go,
can't you cut me loose?
Drop me to a peaceful death,
into the endless abyss.

Even that's better than never getting to the top,
seeing the light that has eluded me for so long.
The light of your soul,
that shines through your eyes.

You don't even realize that I've seen it,
have been drawn to you,
forever.

4/18/88

About Last Night

I don't really know if anything happened last night.
I feel like I may have fabricated your interest
in a drunken craze.

I decided last night that maybe we could have something,
could work on a relationship.

Confusion clouded my brain when I saw you today.
Was I really interested?
Are you willing to care?

I had hoped to talk to you about it,
see what happened last night through your eyes.

Did you want me to kiss you?
or did I just force the issue,
catch you off guard.

I'm not sure what's really going through my mind,
what it is I really feel.

I guess only time will tell...

5/1/88

I Want To Tell You...

You say you are unsure about yourself, that you don't know if I am what you want.

You tell me that you need time to figure things out.

You seem to want to tell me to go ahead and find someone new, yet want me to stay in case you change your mind.

I want to tell you that you're the best thing in my life right now.

I want to tell you that no one else sparks my interest, my desire like you do.

I want to tell you that I'll wait till hell freezes over for a chance to make things work out.

I want to tell you that everything will be alright.

9/28/88

Last Night

Last night I felt your joy,
your eyes flashing in time to the music
as we danced.

Last night I felt the exhilaration you felt being with me,
knowing I had eyes only for you.

Last night I felt your sadness,
your sobs pulsing through my veins
when we talked about your ex-boyfriend.

Last night I felt your confusion
as you walked off into the night.

Last night I felt all these things
but couldn't feel my own hurt when you left.

Last night I cried myself to sleep
not knowing why.

Sometimes I just wish
there had never been a last night.

9/28/88

Even If We're Separated

Even if we're separated,
loose track of each other for a while.
Our true selves will still be intact.

Maybe a different time,
maybe a different place.

But the special person you are,
and the special person I am
will still be there.

Though different events,
different emotions
may face us on different paths,

We may still have the same journey in store,
or at least have the same destination.

Small bumps may jar our smooth road,
and some may try to steer us in different directions.

We maybe lucky and find each other at the end,
but if this isn't our fate,

At least we had the opportunity of crossing paths,
getting a chance to experience each others specialness.

Thank you Gigi,
for just being you.

11/2/88

A Day Away

As I sit here listening to the soft sounds of music,
I think about how much I miss you.

I miss how you make me feel,
how your arms comfort my soul,
how your kisses warm my heart.

I miss your hands weaving through my hair,
your eyes peering into mine with the utmost sincerity.

I miss the laughter when we play,
the silly noises we make,
the giggling when we fall to the floor.

I can't wait till we're together again,
only days away,
that feel like lifetimes in length.

Each of those days makes my heart grow fonder,
my pursuit all the more intense.

Everyday we were together,
every moment,
makes the moments now all the harder.

I miss you Carmen...

12/14/88

Irritated

Why is it that I am tweeked about you and him,
especially if nothing is happening between you?

I know that I have nothing to see in us,
you making the obvious explicit, you having a boyfriend,
I making an entrance at the wrong time.

I thought I would be able to handle anything coming my way,
Flirting with you,
you flirting with someone else.

But I guess I was wrong,
just a little booz and I feel that stinging pain of jealousy,
even when I'm told its not there.

I thought I'd be able to blow you off,
just another poke in the fun,
but I guess I like you.

I'm Sorry

For all I have hurt
I'm sorry.
For each who have seen my back.
Its not my fault.

The cold clamp on my heart is made of steel
any touch is painful
shocking to both my body and soul.

As each finger gets near me,
I turn away.
As each heart touches me,
I strike out then run,
a frightened child,
afraid of the dark.

From friend to friend
lover to lover,
this body goes through the motions,
acts out its play.

The curtains are always drawn too soon,
the light of finality sprays the audience with a gasp
with a grim slap of reality.

Yet again,
the show is over.
12/10/89

Mommy

My mommy isn't here,
its cold and scary.

Solid and strong,
I strive to forge ahead,
breaking a trail
for others to follow.

I need her arms,
a warm kiss,
a gentle voice rocking me to sleep

Deal,
continue on and make do.
Deal with reality
don't look back.

Curled up I sleep,
warm and secure
my protector only a cry away.
The bars of my cage
help to keep the world out,
at bay.

Forget,
there is always a new day,
new friends,
a new life,
Ignore the hurt,
raise your hands to block the grief.

Mommy?
12/10/89

Mothers Day

Mothers help keep you,
feed you,
teach you.

Mothers teach you love,
caring,
understanding.

Mothers watch you grow,
learn,
make mistakes.

Mothers are there when you need a hand,
a hug,
a shoulder to cry on.

Mothers change you,
protect you,
scold you.

But the best thing about mothers is

They love you...

5/13/89

Aunt Bobbie

I call you Aunt Bobbie,
because the little boy inside me yells it
when I see you.

You've meant so much to me,
all the things you've done,
all the things you've said.

I'll never forget the times making fresh bread in the kitchen,
or the times shopping,
or you sticking up for me cause I was the youngest,
and you understood.

I'll always be grateful to be able to relate to you,
in ways most others never could.

I try to keep your words of advice in mind
when trying new things,
reaching for new experiences.

I enjoy talking about my relationships,
about my feelings and needs.

I enjoy all the memories you have been apart of.

Thank you for all those memories.

12/11/88

Dad

I know we've had our problems,
frictions when trying to communicate,
anger at not being understood.

But those things are far outweighed by the love you've shown me.

The times we've sailed together,
The times we've played tennis together,
The times we were just together.

I've learned a lot from you,
from fixing the car,
to hitting a tennis ball.
From learning to see all sides of an issue,
to trying to be the best I can be.

I've always respected the care you have for your family
and community.
I've always been in awe of the time you spend,
the sacrifices you make.

I'm proud and lucky to have you as my father,
and proud and lucky
to have you as a friend...

12/11/88

Grandma and Grandad

I think back
of all the times we've shared,
of the things we've done.

I think of the tree house,
of climbing high and being on top of the world.

I think of the times playing cards after dinner,
of the feeling of love that was passed with each hand.

I remember sneaking into the kitchen late at night,
trying to grab just one more cookie.

I remember catching my first fish
from the lake in St. Louis.

I taste all the apple pies I've eaten,
all the apple-sauce and ice cream whose flavors remind me of you.

I still feel the comfort you gave me
when my nightmare scared me so much.

I feel the joy of having you here today,
to share my love, our love.

12/11/88

Mom

You are my beginning,
the start of a new life.

You brought me into this world
through an experience of pain and joy.

My bond with you is greater than the experience of childhood,
It starting even before my dependency on the umbilical cord
that sustained me inside you.

We share our blood,
our emotions.
Our souls are tied together in an embrace stronger than life.

Your love let me grow,
let me flourish and explore,
We are friends in the closest sense.

I'll never forget the memories we share,
the tears,
the laughter,
the hugs and comforting.

I can never forget our late night talks,
our mental guessing games,
the times you have rescued me
from the opening crevices of depression.

I can never forget how much I owe you
for who I am,
for who I hope to be.

12/13/88

Rand

What is it about brothers that make them so special?

Why are they so close in some families, yet so divided in others?

How did we manage to become such good friends,
develop the love and trust I feel so intimately?

Is it the memories of our past?
of the fights,
the comradery?

Was it you sticking up for me when I couldn't defend myself?
Was it the time you spent sharing your friends,
your experiences?

Could it have been the early mornings on Christmas Day?
those silent raids on stuffed stockings,
the excitement of opening all of our presents on your bed?

Or what about all the letters you sent me from college,
the ones I've saved over all the years
touched that my big brother cared for me,
even hundreds of miles away.

Or was it just plain pride in everything you did,
from the trophies you won,
to even the pranks that went awry.

Or is it that you just simply take the time to care and love...

12/13/88

Dan

Our friendship has survived many years,
many miles.

You are much more than just a friend from home,
a weight-lifting buddy.

You are my moral support when I'm down,
my energy supply when I'm low.

We share so much in common,
from the late night D.F. of A's,
to shitfaced parties.

From accidents,
to practical jokes on each other.

Our language is unique,
our expressions sacred.

You are more than friend,
you are my brother.
One who I love and trust infinitely.

We are the Hah,
we are the Whippity Slap.

You are my best friend,
and I love you.

12/13/88

Jeffrey

It was a warm Saturday afternoon,
filled with energy and excitement,
worry, and relief.

It was that first moment,
you standing by a bed cluttered with symbols of memories past,
me just bright eyed, looking towards an unknown future,
that we first met.

I don't think I could have imagined the year that lay ahead,
the bond of friendship we would build,
the trust of love we would share.

Who would have guessed what our future contained,
the late night card games,
the mid-day shopping sprees.

Who could have foreseen the laughter,
from seeing coat hangers on the door,
to stapling pizza boxes on the wall.

How can I forget the closeness we felt,
the long talks we had,
the discussions why Indians never ate clams.

Or most of all, what about the friendship we share now?
The memories we will always have,
the bonds that will never die.

Well as you once said,
once a roomie, always a roomie

12/14/88

To Love Again

My Body has been drained,
tired and worn out,
my mind sick of emotion
of thoughts of love.

On the verge of tears I think of you
I feel your tenderness
know you care.

Tears well up
visions of hurting you,
not wanting to
yet scared not to.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to love again.
I struggle with emotions not clear in my mind
that come out in strange ways,
strange times.

I want to be close
yet only strike out when almost there
inches from someone's heart
your heart.

It would be nice to say I love you
but I'm not sure
I ever want to say that again.

I don't know what we should be to each other.
Part of me screams to try and let you in
but I resist,
turn my back and close the door

I lock you outside
but now I'm examining the lock
where before was only an invisible force
where I saw nothing.

I have begun to work the lock,
take a step towards opening my door
a step which only your caring prompted me to take.
12/11/89

The Helpless NA

You scream for others to be quiet,
to be considerate when you need to study.
But when asked to lower your voice
for others having tests,
stressing over finals,
your tone becomes more indignant,
reproachful and irritated.

"Where does he get off telling us to be quiet?
He's been noisy, stayed up late."

True, I have
I'm not perfect
and don't expect you to be either.

I don't recall however you telling me I was too noisy,
maybe the next day, but to what good?
I would have shut up,
even stopped the game if necessary.

But now it's finals time,
everyone needs to be quiet,
you and me.

Please don't give me any shit,
I'm tired of having to be the policeman
running up and down keeping everyone thinking
thinking about the others that live here.

We all can make it work if we can just
communicate a little better,
listen to what we each must have to say,
respecting our differences,
celebrating our commonalties.

12/12/89

Hurting Inside

I'm hurting inside,
a pain I've never felt before,
my heart cringing and sore
when you left.

I can't tell you anymore than I've said
don't want to break you open
Yet want to be let inside.

I'm not sure what to do,
I don't want to coerce you
or deceive you in any way.

I'm trying to talk straight from my heart
opening my chest to you,
vulnerable with arms outstretched
longing to bring you in.

How do I know?
My love comes from the deepest part of me,
the deepest part I've ever seen or felt.

I try and show this place to you
and you still don't see
and I understand.
Don't you see I understand?

I don't want to just say the right thing
I want to say my thing,
what's right in me.

I don't know how else to show you,
to let you in except
to let you take the steps.

You have broken down the door,
thrown away the lock,
swallowed the key.

Now I want you to come inside,
see me,
touch me,
love me.

I can't pull on your arm,
even though the hallway is dim.
The first few steps are risky
but the table is set
the host is waiting.

Please come in.

12/14/89

The Ride

I sit here thinking of you
of what we have said tonight
of the pain and love we have shared.

The roller-coaster rolled on,
up to heights above the clouds,
only to crash down to earth
the wind whipping my hair
my stomach cringing at the thought of death.

Yet we made it up once again,
riding the train up higher and higher
unable to see
except into each other's eyes.

Each click of the track
symbolizes an eternity of loving you.
Each scream through the clouds
marks another bond between us
growing stronger than the steel below us.

Our hands stretch out to each other,
our minds are always holding each other
comforting,
cheering
crying.

This ride has no stop
no end
no lines.

We hold the controls
the handles of our destination
steer us into our future.

12/14/89

Missing You

Missing you,
I sit, my brain empty,
a void without you here to fill it.

Your eyes are mine,
we look at ourselves,
our body.

With one mind/body,
we look at our life,
our love,
our future.

The sadness and emptiness of being apart,
hurts,
smothers,
smashes my brain cells into a drunken craze.

No order,
no connection.
The line cut,
we on either end
waiting to hear the other's voice.
See the other's face.

All is restored,
the soul is one,
our minds at peace
once again together
in each other's arms.

12/20/89

Alone

I sit here alone,
at a loss for words to say,
for emotions to feel.

One of those moments
where the minutes drag on,
the seconds tick away.

Useless time,
waiting for a call
waiting
for anything.

Breathe
the inhale and exhale
of the air around me
as it grows stale from use
weighs heavy in my lungs.

I need motivation,
the strength to stand,
to move,
or think.

Or lie here just another moment,
to ponder,
imagine,
regret.

12/21/89

My Heart Is Crying

My heart is crying,
tears run through my stomach
turn to acid as you walk away.

I hurt all through,
air presses my arms and chest tight,
the dull ache of my life draining away
without the oxygen of your breath.

The thought of losing you tears at my eyes
shrivels my body to dust
no love to lubricate my joints
to flow through my veins.

Never
Never should this happen
and never it shall
yet I cry just the same
my love wanting to break through your mask
The mask you shield your pain with
protect yourself from me
from us.

1/9/90

The Tear

A single tear falls from my eye,
falling through the air of time,
the time of our love.

Falling, I lose my security
my sense of safety
of home.

I fall through the memories of our life,
the smiles on your lips rush past me
different times,
different places,
yet all smiles of love just the same.

Tumbling I close my eyes to the hurt
wet eyes,
harsh words below me
towards which I am falling.

Rolling and huddled in a ball
I feel your pain,
my pain.

Then,
when everything fades away,
there becomes
nothing
no love
no hate
no light

I tumble through the past
lost without you
with out your hope
our trust.

I call out to you
hope to be heard
to be rescued
from the pit of despair.

And as if awakening from a bad dream,
the light returns
you smile into my eyes,
and I fall into your arms once more.

1/18/90

My Heart Gets Crushed

My heart gets crushed
every time you look away.

Spirits lift,
emotions soar to new heights
when curled up in your arms
your smile warming
my life
my soul.

We hurt each other,
say the wrong thing
look the wrong look
throw up our walls
of the sturdiest steel.
Walls of pain,
of mistrust,
frozen tears.

Each time those walls are built,
leaves an emotional scar,
a memory of hurt
and pain.

Only our love can heal those scars,
our caring
and support.
The ability to give and take
to forgive and embrace
our fragile bodies.

Life is too short
for hurt and pain
lets heal our wounds
and crawl back into each others souls.

3/12/90

The Wolf

...a lone wolf sits high atop a mountain,
feeling the summer's warm breath across his nostrils.

Quivering,
the dark grey shadow shakes
the last vestiges of sleep's soft but firm hold
over his tired and well worked muscles.

His body elongates into a stretch
that pulls awareness into the dark well of his eyes.

As the wolf gazes across his domain,
his sight covers the plains below
like a soft wool blanket, worn from love
and tender moments under a full moon.

Below,
splitting the nights calm like the crack of a whip,
a figure steps out of the underbrush,
like a bride slipping out of her nightgown on her wedding night.

It is a image that the wolf holds dear,
a tender hand around his heart.

He raises his head in the primal call of the ancients,
sending out his welcome and greeting...
5/19/91

The Night

The night is hot,
her breath sizzling in desire and anticipation.
Must and deep rooted anguish
flurry in the sweat of my brow.
The weight of my body,
pressing down upon her eager flesh,
a harmonious pattern in the chaos of what we know as life.

Each moment an eternity,
minds melting together to become one
as are our bodies.
Holding, gripping,
animal fire rages through the windows of my soul.
These pupils grow wide as the dam bursts,
the waters flooding the fertile valley below.

As the water subsides,
the current slacking off
in the slow pulse of blood through my veins.
My arms grasp,
forever holding on to the image in my heart,
tieing her down with the sinew of my being.

5/20/91

A Lass' Demise

A lass runs to the waters edge,
finding a brilliant image.

To her surprise,
and ultimate demise,

it was a large sandwich?
5/20/91

The Trance

I sit,
a bolt screwed to my chair.
My arms drift over my keyboard
heavy weights with feather ends.

My mind wanders,
thoughts drifting through a maze,
of wonder and amusement,
memories and dreams.
5/20/91

Your Light

The stars at night,
how they twinkle,

yet the stars are no match
for the heavenly radiance
you shed upon me.

rise up and sing of new days,
of blessed nights, full of life and hope.
5/20/91

A Summer Friend

although miles shall separate us,
and months will stand in between,
the written word, a carrier of mind and heart,
shall be our confidant.

Flowing prose,
a key to our souls,
shall be the instrument to guide us
through the hot and torrid months of summer.

A desert for the mind,
slowly cooking the thoughts within.

What shall we cook in this slow stewing broth?

Something edible,
possibly a cuisine to be reckoned with
in the very heart of Paris?

Or shall it be but a pot of water,
too long forgotten,
its waters boiling off
till all is gone
and all that remains is but a burnt and lonely pan.

5/22/91

A Touch of You

A freshly scented flower,
a moonlit room,
all remind me of the beauty in you.

Staring up at the stars
on a cloudless night,
picking out the phrases,
of my favorite poem.

Each has its own mystery,
its own pulse and rhythm
in my life.

Your pulse fires my veins,
pushes my heart to its very limit
in the eagerness you instill in me.

I long for the moments
spent in your arms,
touching your skin,
smelling you hair.

I live for the soft brush of your lips,
as two friends say goodbye.

To see you in sadness,
tears me into hopeless halves,
each unsure of the best way to help you.

To see you in happiness,
makes me whole again,
at peace with the soft breeze
flowing through our hands.

Take care my friend,
I love the friendship we have created,
the specialness I feel towards you.

You have given me a priceless gift,
the closeness of your spirit
the smile of your heart.

6/10/91

Before We Say Goodbye...

Thoughts of last night,
toss through my head
as I lay on the sheets of sleeplessness.

Your kiss,
so passionate and tender,
yet held back
from true desire.

Our friendship
more precious than gold,
is more sensual
with its forbidden nature.

My heart runs towards your image,
yet canÕt reach you
where you stand.

I long to touch you,
to kiss and hold you all night.

But promises keep me at bay,
put a shield around our hearts,
and a cold touch
to our loins.

I long for your companionship
the comfort of your presence,
the softness of your lips.

Please hold me just a little longer,
kiss me just one last time
before we say goodbye.

6/12/91

Where My Heart Is...

Home is where the heart is
and I long to find
where that is.

I know I am always welcome
in my mothers arms
and the bosom
of my family.

Yet as I break free,
striving for my new place
I keep renting cheap imitations
of my future dream.

Each time I move in,
I find the plumbing rusted,
the wires old and fused.

I must keep my eyes open,
my heart free,
I must not miss my home
when I find it.

6/22/91

The Other Night Never Happened

The other night
never happened
we never
got that close.

I feel like IÕve taken
several steps back
in the journey
along your path.

Everything is as if
it was but a dream,
a fantasy
in my sleep.

I feel myself reaching out
leaving my heart opened
like a birthday present
yet not knowing if
you will like it.

I know I should just close up
like the pedals of a flower
as the last light of your day
fades over the horizon.

I have kept my pedals closed
for a long time
not daring to spread them
for fear of the target
they present the swift archer.

But your light shone
like the rays of a fresh day
even if I know it wasnÕt
my day.

I opened them anyway
starved for the tenderness
and care
I havenÕt tasted for too long.

That night filled me
with your sweetest nectar
let me dine
on your smoothest honey.

But I stayed too long
at the table by your hearth
and now pay with the loneliness
as you left.

Now I sit by your fire
waiting for your return
while trying to get up
and face the world

6/22/91

The Fall

Numb,
at how IÕve let myself fall
into a hole
I shouldnÕt be in.

I feel the bruises
as they form
become old scars
torn afresh
with new blood.

I look up
and see the sky above me
not so far away
yet I canÕt get up.

I sit in the corner
looking into myself
reaching for some inner truth
that seems to always evade me.

IÕm not sure where to look
whether I may find it here
in the darkness around me
or whether
I should crawl out
and look in the sunlight
that shines like a heavenly father
protecting me like a little child
lost and hurt.

I sit,
and wonder
about all the other falls
I have taken
and have yet to take.

These are what I grope for
all alone,
where no one can help.

6/22/91

Caught

Caught
between forces
that battle around me.

Drawn to one side
I seek to shield
and protect my friend.

Never wanting to take sides
I am pulled
out of my place.

Again,
I am tossed,
my emotions
are flooded
with the energy
that bombards all my senses.

I canÕt shut them out
they smash me
and put me on the floor
cowering with my hands
covering my head.

I want to jump up
and knock them all down
to break the vibrations
that long to strangle me.

6/22/91

Holding Back

Holding back my emotions
is like trying to stop
the oceanÕs tide.

Your presence,
like the moon
causes forces that tear me apart.

I canÕt even tell you
how much I am feeling
for that would surely throw us into chaos
once more.

I will always hold dear
the moments spent in your arms.
The night was too short
to willingly let it end.

Ours is a special friendship
if it can hold up
to the test of time.

As I try furiously
to pull back
from your heart.
I find that I look towards a tomorrow
that may never be.

A tomorrow of
you and me.

6/23/91

Time With You

I just wanted some time with you
time to be alone
to lie next to you
snuggle
time to just talk and smile.

I so much wanted to feel
more relaxed
and at ease near you.

I see so much in your eyes
but can't tell what you're thinking
and what's really going on
inside you.

I understand what he meant
that you had told him about you
but not what was really inside you.

I can see and feel the walls you have
myself an expert on how boundaries are built.

But it is hard sometimes
listening to the concert of your heart
from outside the stadium.

7/7/91

Inside

These cold, stark walls,
closing in, restricting.
No sun,
No wind,
No birds singing their songs.

The quiet murmur of a heater,
The stale taste of blandness.
No feeling,
No emotion,
No smiles to light up the day.

These cold, stark walls.

1986

Katie

Laying here alone,
thinking about your face,
trying to imagine others with me,
but they seem so out of place.

Remembering the night
with stars shiny and clear,
the love of your touch
drawing me so near.

My body aches
with a love never lost.
For I need to be with you
at whatever the cost.

I want you here Katie
but I know its not to be
us miles apart and my soul getting farther from thee.

Our souls have become one,
though our body's look on.
Others near us seem just as good,
but after a while we know we misunderstood.

There will be times
in our future so near,
that our love will fade.
But in the end,
it will be just as clear.

1986?

My Friend Mike

There was a dude named Mike Nagel,
Always at his side was his bagel,
He'd eat them all day,
Cause they made him gay,
And that's the end of my fable.

1986

Old Crow

I was walking down the street,
not so very long ago,
when I ran into my buddy, draughting his Old Crow.

The water her is bad, he said,
Care for a drink?
Naw, you stick to your moonshine,
or whatever makes you pink.

Me, I got this here beer, Nordic Wolf
to get me around.
He got up in a rush, while dropping empties on the ground.

I'm going around the corner
he said, You wanna come?

Well, if you're gonna be passing water,
I guess I'll kick it in the sun.

1986

Outside?

Oh, what is a sparrow?
a sparrow is beauty shining in the sun.
a happy chirp.
or some flashy color,
or maybe a symbol of fun?

not fun,
nor the sun,
is that which a sparrow be,
in a bush,
in a tree,
or just singing happily.

1986

Shall I Compare You

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?
No, I hope thee would not.
For what besides a lemon, laying on the hay,
Could compare to this pile of rot.
Would heaven above, in its godly way.
Compare thee to the buds of May?
Or should the flies on the ground,
Just circle you and fly around.

Death seems more complete and final,
In these days so very troubled.
Your bills and payments need to be paid,
Right now on the double.
Should I compare thee in any way, you who give me bad luck,
Or should I say goodbye baby, your really do suck.

1986

What A Trip

a large bunny hopped over to my spaceship
I think, no I don't
Shit I don't think like a fry guy, ch, a fry guy
hell, I'll take drugs and fry my bacon while
eating a Gordo's burrito
anyway what is the price of beans in Mexico?

are experienced? Sure, I've had avocadoes with tortillas
and pizza in a glass of beer.
speaking of flowers, wanna buy a candy card?
hell no, we won't go.
and what am I to say who the world is?
anyway, a large bunny hopped over to my spaceship.

1986

What?

His muscles tensed,
His lips touched the taste of the banquet he would never enjoy.
The sight of little kids ruining you front lawn,
Makes you wonder why.

The wail of a banshee,
The scream of your mother.
The bitter pang of bad cooking,
Makes you want another.

The crunch of a piece of apple,
the smell of a fruit,
The salty taste of slimy sweat,
Makes you wonder who.

1986

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