Andy Rooney on Swimming . . .

“What is it with these swimmers? Do they not understand that we are land creatures? Why do they feel this need to return to water? Are they reptiles? Are they confused? I don’t understand . . .

“I went to a swim meet the other day, to see my granddaughter swim competitively. She’s a great kid, and she must love this swimming thing because she gets up early enough to be at a daily swim practice at 5am. Good heavens, I thought. She’d better like it! The last time I got up that early for something . . . well, I couldn’t tell her that story, but I can assure you it wasn’t for becoming soaking wet and getting yelled at.”

“So it’s my granddaughter’s turn, and she stands up on this platform and some man tells them all to get ready, and off they go, quite rapidly. They were doing something called the butterfly, but it hardly looked like any butterfly’s I’ve ever seen. What’s wrong with the Australian crawl, anyway? Who went out and invented this new stroke, this butterfly? And while we’re at it  . . . .  why did Australia get credit for inventing free style? And what is it about free style that resembles a crawl? Those Aussies . . .”

“Well, I couldn’t help noticing these coaches, while these athletes were swimming their hearts out. They stand over on the side of the pool, and they do a great deal of pointing, don’t they? They do so repeatedly, pointing and hollering and pointing.”

“What are these coaches thinking? Do they believe the swimmer will forget which way they’re supposed to go? Do they think the child is competing in the water, and then all of a sudden will think . . . ‘Am I on a leisurely swim? Am I out for a wet stroll? I forgot. What’s that man on the side of the pool saying? Oh yes! I’m in a race, that’s right. I’m in a race and I’m supposed to GO. Thank you Loud Yelling Sir!’”
  “Sometimes others help with this yelling. Apparently these swimmers seem to forget it’s legal to use their arms AND their legs. So these Yelling Helpers, they signal the swimmers to KICK KICK KICK KICK, as if the swimmer is four years old again. And the signal they use reminds me of juggling very hot potatoes, or chest developing exercises or something. Sometimes they extend this signal over their head. Actually they’re saying: ‘Kick kick, like I’m doing, only I’m using my hands and you should be using your feet!’ It’s very confusing.”

“Yelling seems to be the secondary pastime at swim meets. Everyone does this. Fellow swimmers, parents, grandparents, coaches, even judges. And in the stands where I sat, Moms and Dads were yelling very vague instructions to their little charges, 50 feet below. They’re yelling, and their neck veins are bulging and I wanted to ask: ‘M’am? M’am? Were you aware that child has his head underwater? And you’re quite a distance from him, competing with those other Mom’s over there, yelling very loudly?!!! Does this make sense to you, M’am?!?’”

“Then the announcer came onto the loudspeaker at some point, and said for the third time: ‘Our timers are getting tired, and there is a need for relief timers. Please help us out and volunteer to be a relief timer down on the pool deck.’ I thought that was noble. I thought that was very community-building. But judging by the number of folks who didn’t bother to volunteer, I think he might just as easily have said ‘Please stop by our booth near the first aid tent and donate a kidney. You don’t need them both anyway; that’s been proven.’
No one ever moves when the nice man asks for the volunteers.”

“I was very excited to watch my first breast stroke event. But I was quickly disappointed to learn they can use their arms.”

“These swim meets are very confusing. I think it’s all that chlorine that the parents inhale. It has to be. What else could explain this type of behavior?”