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The Chronicles of Rodrick: Volume 2 | |
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{The following is a purely fictional tale created by Rodrick and written by many Hawk Road members in the Rumour Clipboard topic, "Rodrick's Story". The link to its original member posts is found at the bottom of page four. All references to local personalities are used in humour, not harm.} BUBBLE GUM WAS LOOKING FOR JUMPER CABLES. "Ain't nary a fella on The Hawk that's got a set," he told me and Ernie. Ernie told him that he'd lent his pair to Banjo. "Last time I seen them," Ernie said, "Willie had 'em hooked up to a satellite dish trying to get the HBO fight." Just then, a car pulled up. Out of the back seat jumped Langille, three sheets to the wind. "Grab your wheelers and let's head for the woods, boys. It's that time a year!" Ernie saw the two pints of rum sticking out of Langille's pockets and shook his head. He finished gassing up the car and looked in through the windshield. There sat Sculpin, with CapeIslander in the passenger's seat. Sculpin said, "I can't believe it costs $3.26 a pound to catch a lobsta but you can go to Tompa's and catch crabs for free!" He reached in his pocket and realized he'd forgot his wallet, and they both got out and went in the gas station to write Ernie an IOU. The telephone rang, and Boss Hog was on the other end. He yelled, "That Goddamn Chachi got dirt on my new gym pants. If there ain't a brand new pair of Fruit of the Loom pants on my doorstep tomorrow, I'm gonna show you why they call me 'Boss'!" About that time Ardo showed up with three loaves of stale bread to feed the ducks. Before he got to the duck pond, Randy grabbed the bread out of his hand and started yelling at Winston to put the bottle of vanilla away that he'd just pilfered from Sam's. Then Alibab pulled up on his 4-wheeler. "Christ, where you been?" Rodrick asked. "Up to Crow's trying to win some money," Alibab hollered, "But Rat came looking for a fight so we called Snake, but he wasn't home. Then Smut and Sour Bug showed up. Stretch was close behind, pushing his glasses up on his nose and asking if there was a fight happening. He told us, 'Sit down young fellas...who's boys em ya, anyway?' I had to get outta there." We left Ernie's and went to Striker's. She was cooking some mashed bo-tatoes, but Rodrick figured they'd give him gas so he passed. He headed down to Dr. Yee's to get his colon cleansed... thoroughly. When he got there, Dr. Yee was kickin' back listening to some Dr. Dre. He looked at Rodrick and said, "You want an egg roll, motherfucka? Well, ya can't have mine, biatch!" "Oh, Really? I'll fix you," Rodrick said. He went out to Big Morty's barn and got the 'ol stand-by...the Shack-a-Pult. Just as he was getting ready to load her up, Garfield grabbed him and said, "Get the ring out, Rodrick! We have an all-star card here...just think of the money we can make. Vince did it, so can we." Rodrick and Garfield got in his Voxhaul then, suddenly, Rodrick was seeing black. "Damn," Rodrick said. "I can't seem to get rid of that large black woman. I'll be seeing her in my nightmares for years to come." But it was only Smurf's black 4x4 truck in the middle of the road. Smurf had his window down mumbling something about being to the Legion dance and gettin kicked out for spewin' on the hat rack. They hopped in with Smurf and chucked her in 'bulldog low', went down to the guzzle, swamped her over the doors, then had to get Sanford's dually to tow 'em out. When he hitched the chains on, Sanford discovered Glen had gone in over his head this time...literally. The mighty Glen Smurf ride sunk into the depths of the guzzle while Glen sat there crying. From the corner of his eye, Rodrick saw HawkRoad and Jamima going into the sand dunes. He figured they may have spotted a pipin' plubber or something, but when he peeked up over the dune, Rodrick saw HawkRoad, pants to his knees, holding a giant neon-green lobster. It had him by the gonad, and holy hell...that thing was huge! About that time, Clamhoe came skidding along the road looking for her better half. "I have great news," she said. "I'm horny!" She told Rodrick that her New Year's resolution was to break her 'Bob' habit, and that she was ready to have some fun. Out of the blue, Striker stumbled up from the ditch. "Did I hear something about Bob?" She asked? We all heard a noise and looked over to find HawkRoad standing back-to with the neon lobster peeking out from between his legs. "What the hell's goin' on here?" Striker screamed. |
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