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'Jello whipped it out, and the horse laughed.' | |
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Smurf let me off at The Haven, where I met Randy 'The Jiggin' Dog'. I asked him if he knew where a fella could round up a nice piece of arse. He said, "Heahhh," and pointed to the westard. I ended up at the Clark's Harbour whorehouse, and when I looked in one of the windows, there was the same woman who'd been down at the Sears' pad. I was just about to put the boots to her when I heard the safety of a gun click off. When I turned, I was looking right down the end of a barrel, and the lady at the other end was Strikergal. She said, " If you're goin' to put the boots to anyone 'round here, it best be me." I high-tailed it out of there toward Clam Point. Rusty and Shannon strolled up. Rusty asked if I had a 'J-Jacka', and Shannon asked if I could give him a lift to the LC. Just then, Mad Max came barrellin' down the wharf on a forklift. We heard a thud, and what we saw gave us the 'willies'. Leatherass was pinned under the lift, and this time looked like he'd finally die for good. I called Fishstick on my cell and told him to bring the ambulance, then strolled up the road to JohnnyBeBad's house. Johnny was building a stock car out of left-over gyprock and two-by-fours. When he was done, he asked me if I wanted a ride somewhere. I said, "Yeah, take me to Timmy's. I need some java." Johnny, dressed in his Elvis costume, hopped in his jalopy, and we headed out. As we were going across the Causeway, we couldn't believe our eyes; in the middle of the road was Brucie, cursin' like a sailor and shakin' his fist like Brian Messenger at intermural floor hockey. Bruce said there was a fight at the Timmy's parkin' lot. When we got there, the place was packed. Cement Truck and Clifford had squared off in the middle of the crowd. All Cliff wanted was a loonie. I said, "The Hell with this," and crossed the road to Jimmy's for $5.35 worth of gas to put in the wheeler. JelloHead trotted by on his horse, which was a spittin' image of Mr. Ed, only with a bowel problem. I asked Jello where he was going in such a hurry. He said, "Christ boy, don't be so fudgin' nigh. I'm on my way to shoppers for a pack of rubbers...I'm about to put it to my horse here." The horse looked back and said, "Me on me rag, so stick it in me dumpa." Jello whipped it out, and the horse laughed. "I've seen bigger packages on June bugs," it blurted out. The next thing I knew, Chris Ruff took me in the eye with a football goin' about 90. I went sprawlin' tits-up, and when I came to, Clinga had me in the 'figure-four'. He yelled, "I want the big piece of chicken!" I survived by hollering, "Look out, here comes Clarence in his 'Vette!" The sun hit his gold tooth, and when I could see again there was CumAss speeding up in his sports car. He stopped and said, "Jump in." I dove aboard and we headed back to the hood. CumAss then handed me a piece of paper and told me it was Chachi's letter to Santa, and that I was to make sure it got delivered. I just had to read it first, though, so I opened it: "Dear Santa: The blow-up doll you got me last year for Christmas has a hole in her where there isn't suppose to be one. I caught my brother, CapeIslander, trying to hump her leg, and the next thing I knew-BANG! She flew all over the room, out the window, and towards Dumbass' truck as he passed by. Thanks...Love Chachi" He'd been on his way to the boys' place when the doll had suddenly landed in his lap. He got so excited, he passed out, and his truck glided to a stop beside the road. When he opened his peepers a while later, a 250-pound woman was staring down at him. She said, "Hi, I'm Donna Perry. You musta had some of that good stuff I was giving out for the Holiday Season." Dumbass said, "Nope, I didn't...but I could sure use some now." She then handed him a brown paper bag. He slammed that son-of-a-gun down, and said, "This will be the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny-fuckin'-Kay!" Dumbass left his truck and walked up to the boys' house with Donna on one arm and a bag of tinkas under the other. |
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