|
 |
 |
 |
||||||||||||||
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
|
|
The Chronicles of Rodrick: Volume 1 | |
|||||||||||||
|
{The following is a purely fictional tale created by Rodrick and written by many Hawk Road members in the Rumour Clipboard topic, "Rodrick's Story". The link to its original member posts is found at the bottom of page four; create a username and password if you don't already have one. All references to local personalities are used in humour, not harm.} IT WAS A COLD DECEMBER NIGHT, and I was stranded on The Cape with nothing but thirteen rolls of ass whip and a five-gallon bucket to keep me company. Suddenly, cronch-da-slam-da-bang! Two sheep were jigging like rabbits in a snow bank. I got my gun and pulled off five rounds. I heard a strange voice and turned around, only to see SheepShit. He said, "What the Hell are you doing? Don't be shootin' at BubbleGum like that! That's him and his new wife wrapped up in some white wool blankets!" I ran over to them. Bubblegum looked up and said, "Don't be putting any more lead in my wife's arse. She has enough already!" Just then Dumbass and a ram came around the corner to see what all the racket was about. He mumbled something like, "Them God-damned Max's boys...set over top my number-3 bouy and number-14 trawl. I was in such a rage I slammed into the Cape Ledge goin' 30 knot. And worst of all, someone on this island is jiggin' the sheep! I saw him swim ashore and watched him climb out of the water and head towards that Sears boy's new house." I walked across the flats when the tide got low and peeked in the Sears boy's window. Laying there was a 300-pound black woman, handcuffed to the kitchen sink. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw one of them Sears boys carrying two bottles of vaseline, four quarts of strawberries, and a halibut gaff. I realized I was in Snakeface's fantasy world, and must have bumped my head on the trek across the inlet. I put on my oil pants and headed for Evan's store. When I'd made it as far as Big Bridge, I spotted something out in The Guzzle. It was Chachi, skinny-dippin' all by himself. Then I looked towards the dunes and saw Striker and Dabunnie calling, "Here, Kitty Kitty..." Up out of the tall grass came KittyLicka, wearing nothing but a smile. Right behind him was Hoss' boy with a pellet gun and a clam hoe. I asked where he was heading, and he said, "Eastard". We heard a noise and looked up to see an outboard with ten lobster cages in tow flying across Big Bridge. Weird Al was at the helm with his pecker in his hand, and hollered out, "I just saw Lobsta-Burger out back of Black Rock takin' a crap. Oh, and later Eugene's cookin' up a fifty-pound bag of bo-tatoes and five pounds of Evan's world-famous minced meat, made with his own hands right after pissin' out back of the store." I started back down the road and ran smack-dab into JamBucket, who told me the yarn about the time he "wiped his ass with a chip bag and sliced that sucka up so bad it looked like a half-pound of hamburga". And then, Norman Goreham came out from behind the shop. He said, "Damn, boy... I just stepped in shit! Got it on my boot and all over my pant leg. When you see Darrell, Darrell, and his other brother Darrell, you tell 'em I want my chickens back. He took three of those buggers about two months ago and I haven't heard from 'em since." Huck then came around the corner and said, "You going to the dance or wha?" Zuna there looked at him and said, "I dunno how to dance, and Anna's gone to Hong Kong." Hort came up the road with a bag of salt on his shoulders. He hollered, "If I have 4 dollas and I give you 6 dollas, then you spend 3 of it...that must mean 'iona' you a dolla three-eighty!" Glen Smurf was passing by on his 3-wheeler headed nord, so I jumped on back. He stepped on the gas and we made for the Savannah. We stripped a hub half-way across the flats and had to detour through Shit-Drain Lane and swing by Clay and Hot Biscuit's to get some vice grips before cracking on for the Harbour Wharf. |
|
||||||||||||||
|
|
|
||||||||||||||
 |
 |
 |
||||||||||||||
|
|  |
|
